Day 10 - Crash and Burn :-(
 

Wow - that happened quickly.

Feeling pissed right now so this will be short and sweet.

9 days. No problem. Was even starting to catch up on sleep. Was starting to feel like I had this.

Kid free night last night and there was no stopping me. No fight. No resistance. No desire to come here for support. No idea why.

We drank. I BBQ'd delicious food. I played guitar. We stayed up until 1am playing music and singing. Late night skinny dipping. Really let loose. Finally had some adult time :-) The reality is we had a great time. I had no remorse when we finally went to sleep.

Woke up this morning after a nice long slumber (completely alcohol induced) and couldn't believe it.

What on earth happened?

It would be easy to tell myself I have control of this and can easily go 9 days when I want, but I know the truth. It's claws are stuck deep within me. I wish I knew what happened. How did my resolve disappear so quickly? So sudden.

I will see this as what it was and refocus my efforts.

Back to day 1 :-(

It happened to me many times. Bob. I didn't even think twice - just told myself I'd be careful. Often it would be the beginning of a long binge. I'm glad that's not the case with you. It's so easy to fall back on our old ways. I'm glad you came here to talk about it. :)

Back on day one myself. Glad you are on SR because it is easier with support. Don't give up. We can do this.

Sorry to hear it Bob. Pat on the back to you, you'll be okay. Start living in the present and do what you can now.

Who is "we", Bob? Are you are trying to quit without talking to your life partner about this? In my experience it might be helpful to bring them on board. I think having an empathetic/supportive spouse would really be a bonus and give you some extra help this time around.

Good luck!

Hey Bob,

I have done exactly what you are describing seems like a million times. It does one or two things to me usually

1. it starts a longer binge or even worse
2. I tell myself, "See? You can drink like a normal person! If I can avoid binging and just drink when appropriate, I can handle this!" This just reaffirms my disease and makes me forget all the pain and anguish it has caused. I find it helpful to think about how the whole story plays out if I continue.

Then again, I am NO expert and am at 3 days after a 2 week binge myself. If the person who you had adult time with is your spouse: My spouse is like yours and can be convinced that we can still have fun with alcohol. I am working on getting her to understand how serious this is. I wish you the best.

I hate to say it but when I first read your post, Bob, I thought "dang, that sounds like fun!" Then, of course, the reality kicked in. You know you can do this, forgive yourself and move on, it happens to all of us.

Bob, do you have any support or tools aside from SR?
Obviously, whatever you were doing was not enough and you had no defense against picking up the first drink. I know living with active alcoholics is a challenge when one is trying to stay sober but it can be done.
It might be time for you to add some tools to your belt. Have you checked out AVRT? Have you considered going to AA or SMART or whatever? Having face to face support and making new sober friends is probably your best bet since I think you mentioned that your wife is an heavy drinker and so are your friends. There will be other times when you need to reach out to sober people in real life. Give going to meetings some thoughts..serious, just going on the wagon with sheer will power and no contingency plan generally does not work especially for a double winner.
Anyway, welcome back and hang in there you can do it.

:(

It sounds like you truly did have a good time and didn't go overboard and I know that feeling. I was able to accomplish that myself periodically in the last two months that I was drinking.

Looks like many of us have also done the same. It's the odds, you have to be ok once in a while.

I've learned though that all roads lead back to the same place and it's not ever good.

I'm glad that you came here and posted.

Key point:

"We" is my wife and I.

She drinks too much as well just not nearly as much as me.

She is trying to get on board with the plan but struggles - just like me.

It's clear I need to investigate additional avenues for help and support. SR has been great. Not sure why I abandoned it yesterday.

Really ticked off that I'm back to day 1. Strange feeling really.

No way I am going back to my old ways though.

Thanks for all the support :-)

Just start over. 9 days free of alcohol is great. Its a lifestyle you have lived and that is the hardest thing to break free of. Your liver is 9 days healthier. Look at it that way!
S

Oh and check out AA. I always thought it had a stigma about it and was full of weirdos. As it turns out they are normal people just like us. Try it. You might be surprised, I was, I like it and it helps.

Don't beat yourself up, Bob! Just start over. But I agree with the others--you need tools to help you to resist taking that first drink again. Did you ever go to AA the last 10 days? If not, you should seriously do so! (Or some kind of flesh support meeting). I went to my first AA meeting this morning and I have only been sober for 2.5 days. I plan on continuing to go--even though I feel pretty confident that I can do this and not relapse--because to me, AA is kind of like insurance---you may never get in an accident, but if you do, you are insured.

I have done that before: just drinking after some period of sobriety with no real reason or cause. I just did it and it usually didn't lead anywhere good. Its great that your resolve to quit is still there.

I think this is where the idea of crafting a new life comes in. That way the default is not to drink, as it was with the old life. I am working on that one myself :) .

For me, the times when I do "control" it and have fun are the most dangerous. They seem to be the times I remember more clearly and am always trying to chase. Then when I consider that I have a problem I always go back to those times. Remember when? As sick as it may sound, I almost wish I had no control and every time I drank I got sick. This would make it easier for me to decide to quit permanently

Many of us falter a time or two Bob...get back on the right road.

For me, I had to look at the big picture - I had to look back over 20 years and see where alcohol had taken me...and I had to accept that it would take me back there again, if I let it.

Don't let it :)

D

If you ever lived with pets (cats and dogs all my life), you may have experienced the phenomenon that, when their bodies are shutting down and they're in their death throes, they perk up and seem perfectly fine for a day or to. Happens with people too. This has always been heartbreaking for me, and I imagine that this has also been the case for others.

This experience is analogous to our alcoholism, and this is only meant as an analogy: The closer we come to extinguishing our drinking behaviors, the more likely we'll have a day or two when we again drink, and everything seems fine. Both you and your alcoholism are fighting for your lives.

Ya..soon as I saw the title and recognized the poster name..I actually said out loud "awww sh*t". Oh well...you will ultimately decide which path you want to follow. I'm currently reading "Sober for Good" which I'm getting a lot out of. Moments ago I finished the chapter on the "Masters" (as the book refers to them) who either drink moderately or on rare occasion. The "addiction" part of my brain was really scrutinizing this particular chapter..lol. I'm still very much a I don't drink in the NOW" sort of person which does not encompass the road ahead as far as whether I will drink again or not...but my "now" mentality knows I have not even scratched the surface in the sobriety lessons anyway so "foggetttaboutit" sista...but there is more to it for me than that, it is still undeniably poison that hurts my brain and internal organs (having compromised both I assume after years and years of drinking)...well there are lots of reasons...requiring alcohol to have a good time? Ya..that sounds a bit weak in my eyes too. Ultimately, I'd like to learn how to play the guitar, sing, laugh with friends until the wee hours...just me...little ole me..without alcohol. Is that possible? I dunno...much too soon for my recovering brain and spirit to know.

I do hope you decide on a path of clarity, repair, emotional growth etc...but sometimes we need more kicks at the can to know. I too fear you're relatively controlled drinking "fun" is a slippery slope. I hope not. Nevertheless, I really think you can lick this thing if you want to.

Bob - you said you will never go back to the life you were living. You seem really committed to moving ahead with a sober life. You slipped, get up, and keep running.

As long as we chase sobriety and keep fighting we are winning. Time to start figuring out how to live sober - I'm still struggling with that myself but it is possible and worth it so I keep swinging. You can too!

Glad to see you realize that one "good" drunk will most certainly lead to a bad one.

It takes alot of sober time to realize you can have fun without alcohol. Early sobriety is not fun. But longtime sobriety is. Keep going. It gets easier. :ring

I never stayed in control when I relapsed. I just black out now. There is no going back for me.