Shakota

So, even though I reached my goal yesterday and only took my 4 pills yesterday and I was really happy about that. I slipped today and did something horrible. As I have said before, my husband keeps my meds in our safe and he keeps the key on his key ring which he keeps on him at all times. One of the things I used to do to get more of my pills was while he was in the shower take his keys and get into the safe and get more pills. Well today, while he was in the shower, I walked past his desk going to our room from my son's room and saw the keys sitting on his desk....i took his keys, got into the safe and took out 2 extra pills and hid them.

After reading some posts on here I started to feel guilty about it and trust has always been very important to me and I have always felt it was the foundation to our relationship...so I took a deep breath and took the two pills out to my husband. I told him that he had left the keys on the desk and that I was sorry then I went and hid in our bedroom. A few minutes later he came in, he wasn't mad, but instead thanked me for being honest with him and asked me why I took the pills. (Well this morning I had been in so much pain that he had to give me 2 of my pills and we had to wait for them to kick in before I could even get out of bed) I told him that I was afraid that I was going to need them later on because of the pain and I was afraid to ask him for extra pills later on in the night if the pain got bad and I had already gone through my 4 pills. He reminded me that he was going to be home all day since it was the weekend and that if he knew I was in that kind of pain again he wasn't going to let me suffer he would do what was needed to get me out of pain, even if that meant giving me extra pills. I told him that I just didn't want him to know that I failed. He told me it wasn't failing if I was hurting and the medication wasn't doing a proper job of controlling my pain, it just meant that my medication wasn't strong enough and that maybe it was time to talk to my doctor about changing my meds.

Anyways, I felt horrible, I stole my husband's keys to steal my meds out of the safe, I broke trust...I failed majorly. Once again I let my addiction and pain control me instead of me controlling them. I am so very ashamed and disappointed in my self...How could I do that???

Dee74

I think it's really hard to be addicted to something you need to take, at least for the moment - I know you're working with your Dr and I encourage you to keep on that

I know NA is a problem for you but have you explored other recovery groups at all? a little more support may just give you other people to call when you find yourself vulberable?

I think you should give yourself kudos for coming clean Shakota - you could have said nothing. y'know?

D

Shakota

Thanks Dee, its extremely difficult to be addicted to something you have to take, it is always freaking there!!!! No matter what you do you can't get away from it. Its not something I can hide from or avoid. I can't go through my house and dump out all of the bottles or not go to this bar or that bar or lose my dealer's phone number. I do not mean in any way to lessen what everyone else is going through, please guys don't take it like that, I know what you guys go through is extremely difficult as well. All I am saying is every single day I am still having to put what I am addicted to in my body. Every morning I wake up and I know that those pills are waiting on me, and every night I lay down in my bed and stare at my closet that is 5 feet away knowing that those pills are there, its almost like a burning energy, I can feel them there, I can feel their pull, can almost hear them calling my name.

A lot of people wake up and make their coffee and with that first sip of coffee they close their eyes and inhale and savor that wonderful first sip...me...I take my pills, and when the first feelings of "euphoria" start, that warm fuzzy, tingling feeling starts to rush over my body, I close my eyes and inhale, savoring that feeling. Soon my body begins to relax and the pain begins to lessen, then I can stretch and move around without sharp pains running down my spine, or in my neck every time I turn my head. I can bend over and my lower back doesn't scream at me, and finally I can start my day.

These little round white things have control over my life. Its so strange. There isn't anything to them, they don't breathe, they aren't alive, but I depend on them. I HAVE to have them. At first I had to have them for pain control because without them I couldn't move, so therefore working wasn't an option and I HAD to work, I was a single mom. Now its because I have to have them for pain and because I am addicted to them., because I love the way they make me feel. How pathetic am I???

Hope4Life

Shakota, don't beat yourself up. Pain has a bigger control of us than most people would believe. It caused me to self medicate for many, many years and controlled my life daily.

I'm very proud of you for coming clean with your husband, that was not an easy thing to do. I'm really glad that he understood and wasn't angry with you.

Hopefully at some point in the future, you will get the help you need to deal with the issues causing your pain.