July2413

The past three days have been wonderful. I've feel like myself again. Today I went for a run and it was great. The wall I've been trying for months to get through disappeared like there was nothing there to begin with. I felt really confident and excited until a little while ago. I can't stop eating now... but other than that I haven't had many other negative effects of stopping drinking.

I started feeling on-edge this afternoon. I think part of it is that I don't know how to manage all the time I have right now because I'm not drinking or recovering from drinking and I've just lost the ability to think about the tasks I have to do and do them. I'm so used to doing everything at the last minute now and my brain is usually so cluttered. I can't quite get the motivation together to just do what I know I have to, even though without alcohol, I have no excuse not to.

This afternoon I started thinking I don't know if I can really do this. I mean here I am, right now in this moment doing it, but can I really face the world like this? And I know what will happen if I don't. I know I'll spend my time sneaking and lying and sleeping and hiding out. I don't want to live like that.

I found myself thinking about other people having a glass of wine and watching a movie tonight or meeting a friend for a drink and I heard myself say "There isn't anything wrong with that! You can do that!" And I can do that... maybe once... and then its all over. I have to keep telling myself even though I haven't lost my job or my family and I haven't hurt myself seriously doesn't mean I'm not an alcoholic. I am. I know I am because once I have one drink I can't stop. Once I have one drink I can't think - the only thought I have is "more." I don't try to rationalize the second drink because I don't even realize that I have anything to rationalize at all at that point.

The behavior overrides any thinking. It scares me that I can be so out of control, so out of myself.

I was afraid that tonight I might drink because I was feeling on edge and I could hear the thoughts starting to resurface. I thought I might believe the words in my head "Other people can do it... you can do it. Try again to make it work. You'll sleep so well. It'll be relaxing. You won't have to think anymore. You can still wake up in the morning if you just have one. You didn't really try to stop last time. You won't take the whole bottle, just a glass." It goes on and on and on again. I don't think I will drink tonight but the reason is because I had somewhere to write this out and see it in black and white and see how crazy what is happening in my head really is.

Thanks for letting me vent... as soon as I started to hear this voice I knew I could come here and put it out there. Thank you!

least

Keep on going. Stay sober no matter what. You don't want to go back to that madness, I know you don't. You can get thru this.

GwenCummings

Hello there. My advice is to go back to your worst drunken memory. Sit with that and feel all the pain and shame and remember why you want this chance for a new life. I had a sudden revelation today, like I do every day at the moment. I'm just finishing 19 days sober although I have an previous 1000 days sober to refer back to. I realised that I have had multiple injuries from alcohol abuse.

I have a nasty scar on my head from falling off a wall....

I was hospitalised for a week after I fell in a bath of scalding hot water...

I broke my toe....

I fell down some cellar steps and had horrific bruising...

I fell into some bushes and had many thorns embedded in my legs that took me days to remove.....

Still I have denied my problem over and over.

Not any more.

Take stock of your life and your drinking past. It will be different from mine, worse or better but something has brought you to this place and I hope that something will keep you here. X

July2413

Thank you Least! I don't want to live in madness anymore. I know this is a big transition and I am committed to keeping with it!

Thanks you Gwen for reminding me of why I am here... my worst memories are the ones I have from every time I ever drank... when I "wake up" in the middle of the night panicking. The anxiety and fear coming over me like waves. I never want to feel that again. I've had many embarassing moments, moments I wish I could take back but nothing compares to that feeling of loneliness, fear, and panic that follows a night of drinking. I never want to make the false promises "I'll never do it again" in that panic over and over again.

It does help to keep thinking of those moments because I know what I don't want my life to be. Thank you for sharing with me!

Mizzuno

This is great. You made a different decision here, and with these different decisions it gets easier.
Yet, was the operative word in my life with drinking. I had not lost my job YET. I have not lost my family YET. Then it happened, I lost my job. Thankfully, I have a husband that was willing to stand by the me while I cleaned up the destruction. I never in a million years thought it would come to that.
So, continue doing what you are doing. We are not missing out on anything by remaining sober. There is more to life than a bottle of Wine, or beer....
I am happy that you posted!

July2413

Mizzuno, I was moving all my stuff to a new place of work earlier this week and the night before I had to move I binged. It really opened my eyes, again! On a day where I had to make a good impression, have my stuff together, and be "on", I choose to put my career in serious jeopardy. The whole time all I could think about was getting back in bed - not the impression I was making or the work that needed to be done.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm happy that you have a husband who is supportive of you and that you are doing well now! Thank you for your support!

SoberBella1

July2413 I know just how you feel. My anxiety level is very high right now too. But we all can do this together. Lots of caring coming your way.

Mizzuno

This type of stuff happens. I was always and forever trying to control my drinking. I put a lot of work into the "one" concept. I thought I would be alright. I thought a lot. The thing is, is that it all came crashing down and I was shamed beyond anything I had ever felt before. Now, my story is not yours, and we all learn in different ways. If I was able to "Hear" what was being said to me regarding my alcohol consumption, I would not have been in that situation. I could not listen to my inner voice though. I knew something was going to happen. I knew in all my cells, heart, mind, soul, and emotions that something BAD was going to happen. I cried about it all the time, before the inevitable took place. Thank god it was not an accident involving other people.
I am still working through the shame. I have never felt shame on this level. Not being able to hold my head up and look people in the eye for more than two months was enough for me to resign from being an active alcoholic. One day at a time.
By the way, there are many exciting drinks out there that need to be tasted. I am in favor of Italian Sodas right now. What type of drink have you discovered?

erfra7

well said I feel the same today and hearing you put into words is almost like me
it look like we are here to help each other. just keep on, what woks for me right now is one hour at the time. good luck to you...

visch1

Hi. You can do it as many of us did it. I needed to concentrate on not picking up the first drink because I didn't want to get sober AGAIN. I needed to think of other positive things when the AV or shite fairy started to row the boat into misery waters. Part of my problem I wanted all the promises TODAY without the work needed. People said keep coming and easy does it. Some years later now I'm grateful for the tough love and caring shown.
BE WELL

Obladi

July, I just want to thank you for posting this. It gives me a smattering of hope that I may be able to find it within me to be just as forthright when that time comes.

Good for you.

Sent from my iPod touch using SoberRecovery

bigsombrero

I also approached my career in this fashion as I spiraled into alcoholism. I ended up quitting, more or less I chose alcohol over my job. I am glad you are seeing some signs and taking action! You are correct, it does sound like a good time to make some life changes and be honest with yourself. In my case, I am actually much happier today that I am no longer working at my old job - however, the way I left work, followed by a year of strictly drinking vodka for a living...I would say was the lowest and darkest time of my life. But hey, sorry to sound grim, this is a happy time! You are seeing the light, and you are NOT ignoring the warning signs. Congrats, it's inspiring to see what you're going through and we're here to encourage you.

Emkay

I did the same thing! I've been trying to moderate for a year. My drinking diary clearly shows that I drank a lot before my big job interview. My dream job, and I get blotto the night before. I remember telling myself that I shouldn't drink at all that night, and the next thing you know...
If I hadn't gotten the job, I would have lied to myself about some other candidate coming out from nowhere, but the truth would have been that I had been entirely hungover. When does it stop? My sneaky AV persisted in telling me that if I could stop drinking for so long I could have just one. Nope, didn't turn out that way at all. I just slipped right back to where I started. It helps me to think of those people that are sitting over a glass of wine, talking with their friends and looking fabulous, but they have struggles that are different than my own. If I really think about it, there isn't anyone that I know that doesn't truly struggle with something. I'm lucky that there is something I can do about it, and that I can do something about it today.

Hevyn

Hi July. This is the way SR is supposed to work. You come here in a moment of weakness and share what you're feeling. It not only helps you, but everyone else as well.

I had those same thoughts many times during my life of drinking. I always gave in to them. I swore willpower would help me 'just have one or two'. I'd ask myself how could I possibly go through the holidays, or vacations, without drinking - nothing would ever be fun anymore. I caved over & over during my life with disastrous results each time. You're learning at a young age how to handle the temptation and triggers. You will never regret this. Once I finally got it that drinking would never, ever take me where I wanted to go - I stopped. Be proud of yourself for rising above those urges.

July2413

Friends, thank you so much for your support tonight. I live with a few women who are not related to me and tonight some of them had wine at our evening gathering. I could smell it - which is not something I have ever noticed before when I was drinking. The voice started telling me I could be just like them and I just said back "No, I can't." I'm so happy I didn't drink tonight but it also made me realize just how fragile sobriety is... how easy it would be for me to take that one sip.

Anyway, I drank a cup of peppermint tea and when that was quickly finished I grabbed a bottle of water and I thought about being able to come back here and tell you that I did make it one more day. Thank you!

Hope4Life

....just stay here with us. See how easy it is?, ask for help and it comes to you through the many responses you've received!

You got this July, just don't take that first drink and good things will come your way!

Glad you are here!

DisplacedGRITS

Hey July! Congrats to you for using this website during a dangerous period of time. It's so much better to come here before a slip. Coming here after slipping is hard. Knowing that you had a tool and you chose not to use it is hard. As far as your downtime is concerned, consider coming here to read and write. Maybe start a blog. For me, i go to AA meetings and they really help me to fill the gaps. Unscheduled down time can be pretty scary for most of us. I know that a lot of my time when i was drinking was filled with drinking, hiding my drinks, getting more liquor and sleeping. That's a lot of time that i suddenly freed up! I watch more TV than i should now and it's still hard to get certain tasks done but i'm working on filling up that dangerous downtime.

Be gentle with yourself. I get squirrel brained sometimes and i read and come here and go to meetings to help with that. Squirrel brain is when my head is whirling and chasing thoughts and i just can't seem to settle it down. It gets a lot better the longer you're sober. Being sober doesn't mean that all your problems go away. It just means that we don't have to deal with the pain and suffering drinking brings us. There is no problem that alcohol can't make worse. That thought is always prominent in my head. When i am drinking, alcohol is the answer no matter what the question is. When i'm sober, i have different answers to different questions. I more often than not find the solution to situations that once baffled me. It's not easy but it is simple. Keep coming back!