hello
 

step one for me joining a site

many in a long line of 1st days, never agains

reading through some posts here, i see i am not alone, but i still think in the bad part of brain that 'no one knows what is like to be me, you people just don't understand, ect.'

i realize that is not true, but that type of thinking is still too ingrained to be rid of

Hello, and welcome.

I've had so many day ones I couldn't possibly count them.
Swore the stuff off with solemn oaths and never agains, too.
What works for me is thinking about that first drink and where it'll lead me.
Sobriety can be acheived, many of us here are doing it.
Just remember, you never have to drink again.

I hope you find the support you're looking for here and best to you.

Hi, welcome!

There's a word in AA lit that I think describes things well "common differences." I think it matters less whether any of us really understand each other except for on that common thread of having seen our lives harmed by alcohol/drugs and needing support to stay sober. Whether or not I could understand what you're going through is impossible to say, but if you're looking to get and stay sober then I can definitely understand you there. ;) As will most anyone here, so on that, welcome again to SR. Hope you find something you need here.

Wecome to SR dwtbd! You found a great place, where people do get you and understand what you're going through.

I felt so much relief when I joined here. I'd been drinking all my life, never could've imagined my life without it. There were so many here who had my own thoughts and feelings - it was comforting and gave me strength. I hope you'll feel the same. You're among friends.

Welcome !

Crushing bouts of guilt and anxiety have been the morning norms as of the last months(at least, looking back it could be longer just glossed over ). I started searching net for causes, didn't realize it was onset or actual alcohol dependence.

1st time drinking as young teen I blacked out. As things progressed I would binge drink and black out most times. Went through periods of moderate drinking to near full time sobriety. But last years have been pretty much full blown binge drinking at 5 nights a wk, alone after wife turns in patio social drinking turns into get the whisky out. Most nights made it to bed before sun up and could function , not so lately. Too many nights passing out at computer and couch gave me up.
Firgured not buying full bottles would work, just beer. Too soon became beer with half pint or more again. Its two days no bourbon, did have a few beers yesterday and went to bed fine.
I'm just rambling but feel need to just say it, reading about withdrawl has scared the crap out of me.

I am no longer a functioning alocoholic, drinking has caused too many lapses in personal responsibility to go unnoticed any longer. I used to be an honest person, now I lie to hid the amount of drinking I do, to others and myself. Actually tried to blow off the morning nips of late as no big deal one offs.

I hid how much I drank, too. Turns out most everyone knew anyway. It's hard to disguise a hangover at work or among others. I got so tired of it. I drank so much more than others.
I lied and lied to others and to myself. Even though I knew I had a serious problem.
It would take me years to find sobriety. I really hope you don't have to go through the horrors I did. There is hope.

I pretty much figure coworkers are aware , especially the 'real bad wks'.
I'm a reasonably intelligent guy , but still work in a deadend job(hell career now), was able to rationalize that to myself with self pity and blaming the need for a noninterruptable paycheck/insurance coverage for years, but now the fog is harder to manufacture, its my drinking I know that.
I just don't know what to do , expect to not drink today, the possible physical effects are not as frightening to me as what I am going to have to face without being able to numb that realization away, tonight.

I had my big epiphany or turning point, call it what you will, when I realized that I really only had two options: drinking that was heavy, uncontrollable and self-destructive -or- learn to quit entirely. There was no middle ground for me.

It was a hard thing for me at first. I'm the complete opposite of a "macho dude" but I still hated the idea that there was this seemingly simple thing a bottled liquid that I couldn't handle. I've since given up on that; realized that continuously trying to push a square peg into a round hole isn't control, it's futility.

Welcome,you save yourself or you remain unsaved!!!! It's true!!! One day at a time.....

I've read about the 'kindling' phenomenon, never heard of it before, but given my patterns over the years I think it is a big part of what I am experiencing now. Binge for a wk or mnth, stop for few days spend weeks building back up from just moderate/heavy drinking of beer to adding whisky to the mix and binging ..repeat process.
The fact that starting to suffer the effects of withdrawl after any binge, like every morning now shows that I have crossed a biochemical/physiologic threshhold. Its been about 48 hrs since i last got 'real drunk' , the first 24 were bad but not enough for me to go seek medical help. Today its better not great , so hopefully this is a giant warning sign that screwing around will lead to dire consequences. I am sorry for rambling but thanks for the outlet. Just typing out the words makes feel like I am 'doing something about'

You sound like me. I got so I would wait for the liquor store to open at 8:30 so I could buy a twelve pack and two shooters of whiskey. The whiskey wouldn't make it home with me, I drank them on the way and it was only two blocks.

Yes, kindling can and does happen. It happened to me. I can't describe the fear, anxiety and guilt I would go through for three days after a four day binge. I actually hid in the closet once because I was freaking out so bad. Pitiful.

You can quit, although it may require help. There are different ways.
I'm two years seven months sober and you may get the picture that I was a serious, bad drunk.

Read here and post as often as you like. There's a lot of support here.

Hi and welcome dwtbd :)

This is a great place for understanding and support - we have over 100, 000 members here, so the chances are very good you'll find people to identify with, and find people who identify with you :)

D

Welcome to SR, dwtbd, and well done on day 2. Thanks for sharing -- there's no need to apologise for posting as much as you like. Like you say, this is an outlet. That's what SR is here for. Sometimes we just need to let it all out.

Yes, towards the end my hangovers turned into withdrawals too, because of the kindling effect. I know that if I don't pick up that first drink, I never have to go through that again.