I stopped drinking but my husband still drinks...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 22
I stopped drinking but my husband still drinks...
I am having a hard time tonight. I no longer drink-and am done with it but my husband still drinks. Tonight it is really bothering me. I know he misses his drinking buddy, me, but the time came to stop. How do I not let him get on my nerves when he is drinking? This is the first time I felt like this-but I am also tired and I think that might have something to do with it. All feedback welcome!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Tisa - welcome 
A lot of people here deal with having partners who still drink - I know you'll hear from them.
If all else fails, take yourself away to your room or another quiet place and just read, listen to music, do whatever you think will relax you and take your mind off what other people are doing
D
A lot of people here deal with having partners who still drink - I know you'll hear from them.
If all else fails, take yourself away to your room or another quiet place and just read, listen to music, do whatever you think will relax you and take your mind off what other people are doing
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 22
Thank all of you for getting back to me. I know I need to just move into another room-but I want to be with him, too. I think things will look better after a good nights' sleep. Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 458
Hi Tisa welcome to SR. I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. When my ex drank I had to remove myself from the room sometimes. I also had to ask him not to drink in front of me for awhile until I felt more solid with my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 87
So worried about this when my husband comes off deployment. Keep posting I'll be looking to y'all for advice when he is home.
Not sure what I am more worried about...if I'll want to drink or if I'll feel bad for not drinking with him.
Not sure what I am more worried about...if I'll want to drink or if I'll feel bad for not drinking with him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi Tisa, welcome!
I just posted about this on the weekenders thread but I know exactly how you feel. I am about 5 1/2 months sober but I still get incredibly annoyed/angry/antsy...something...around people drinking. Especially when they are tipping towards being drunk. The slurring and the repeating stories was enough to drive me bat sh*t crazy for the first few months. Talk about feeling like the world's biggest hypocrite!
Anyway, I still have some problems with this and I don't live with a partner who drinks (my issues were with family members) but I had to stay away from it as much as possible in the beginning. Going to another room or asking someone to abstain in front of me was usually a necessity. It's getting easier but still not perfect...don't know if it ever will be.
Just wanted to let you know, as others have, that you are not alone in feeling this way.
So glad you're with us. It's good to have another Pennyslvanian here, too! (I am from PA originally myself).
I just posted about this on the weekenders thread but I know exactly how you feel. I am about 5 1/2 months sober but I still get incredibly annoyed/angry/antsy...something...around people drinking. Especially when they are tipping towards being drunk. The slurring and the repeating stories was enough to drive me bat sh*t crazy for the first few months. Talk about feeling like the world's biggest hypocrite!
Anyway, I still have some problems with this and I don't live with a partner who drinks (my issues were with family members) but I had to stay away from it as much as possible in the beginning. Going to another room or asking someone to abstain in front of me was usually a necessity. It's getting easier but still not perfect...don't know if it ever will be.
Just wanted to let you know, as others have, that you are not alone in feeling this way.
So glad you're with us. It's good to have another Pennyslvanian here, too! (I am from PA originally myself).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I have my moments with not being comfortable around my partner while he is drinking. I will remove myself, and go off to do something on my own. Posting on here helps. I have to keep in mind that my decision is a personal one. We are comfortable enough with each other to have dialogue if I have any concerns. I know that it can be challenging at times. Just keep walking forward
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: nope, nope, nope
Posts: 63
Hey. Same issue here! I stewed over it for a while but then got brave and asked my husband not to drink around me for the foreseeable future, and that I would like to have no alcohol in the house. I couldn't handle it. So far he's cooperated. Have you talked to your man about how you feel?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by NotTooSmart 
Hey. Same issue here! I stewed over it for a while but then got brave and asked my husband not to drink around me for the foreseeable future, and that I would like to have no alcohol in the house. I couldn't handle it. So far he's cooperated. Have you talked to your man about how you feel?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 297
Originally Posted by ananias
So worried about this when my husband comes off deployment. Keep posting I'll be looking to y'all for advice when he is home.
Not sure what I am more worried about...if I'll want to drink or if I'll feel bad for not drinking with him.
Not sure what I am more worried about...if I'll want to drink or if I'll feel bad for not drinking with him.
Communication is key.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi Tisa, my heart goes out to you and to all on this board who have to deal with this. My husband is a normal drinker who can take it or leave it. In my very early days he was invited by his friend, who is a hardcore alcoholic, to come down to his house and drink. He asked me first if I minded and I said no. However, the "I'm trying to get sober first for me, but also to help our marriage, and he's going to go do the very thing that I am trying not to do" resentment began to surface. My AV was already plotting ways to find a way to have a drink while he was gone.
I think he must have ESP or we've been together long enough because he made the decision not to go. A few weekends later I came to the realization that he doesn't have a problem, I do. It's unfair for me to expect that just because I can't drink that he can't either. So I told him that he should go if he wants to, to just be mindful and respect what it is that I'm trying to accomplish. He hasn't had a beer since the day that I quit.
I had to be honest. Would your husband be receptive if you asked him not to drink for a while in support of you?
In any case, the people on this board are great and as you can see, you're not alone in this situation. Nothing helps more than to be able to talk to someone who is in your situation and knows how you feel. Looks like by this thread you've got a great start!
I think he must have ESP or we've been together long enough because he made the decision not to go. A few weekends later I came to the realization that he doesn't have a problem, I do. It's unfair for me to expect that just because I can't drink that he can't either. So I told him that he should go if he wants to, to just be mindful and respect what it is that I'm trying to accomplish. He hasn't had a beer since the day that I quit.
I had to be honest. Would your husband be receptive if you asked him not to drink for a while in support of you?
In any case, the people on this board are great and as you can see, you're not alone in this situation. Nothing helps more than to be able to talk to someone who is in your situation and knows how you feel. Looks like by this thread you've got a great start!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I agree communication is very important.
I never communicated in any of my relationships. I simply assumed they knew how I felt and I assumed I knew how they felt.
This created many resentments. Not just with my ex-husbands but with my parents and my children.
My advice is to sit down and write out your feelings. Look at the key points and then sit down and tell him. It is scary to do this. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don't want to share my feelings as once they are out there I can't take them back but if I am really being honest then they need to be shared. It is my responsibility to rely my feelings. I can't expect anyone to know if I don't tell them.
I have a really good friend. He still drinks. I do not really speak to him other than on the phone and he lives two doors away. I miss his company. I wish he would stop drinking too but I can't wait for him. I have to continue on my journey with sobriety. I had to let go.
Even in the future if he should decide to seek sobriety I can be there for him and support him but it is his journey. It is one he must decide to walk.
I never communicated in any of my relationships. I simply assumed they knew how I felt and I assumed I knew how they felt.
This created many resentments. Not just with my ex-husbands but with my parents and my children.
My advice is to sit down and write out your feelings. Look at the key points and then sit down and tell him. It is scary to do this. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don't want to share my feelings as once they are out there I can't take them back but if I am really being honest then they need to be shared. It is my responsibility to rely my feelings. I can't expect anyone to know if I don't tell them.
I have a really good friend. He still drinks. I do not really speak to him other than on the phone and he lives two doors away. I miss his company. I wish he would stop drinking too but I can't wait for him. I have to continue on my journey with sobriety. I had to let go.
Even in the future if he should decide to seek sobriety I can be there for him and support him but it is his journey. It is one he must decide to walk.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 472
It would seem that there are many of us trying to give up drink while our partners drink! I find this particularly difficult as my husband is a big wine drinker (my drink of choice). I'm only on DAY 3 and not craving the alcohol too much at the moment, but I am obsessing about the half empty bottle of wine on the kitchen counter! His drinking while I've attempted at giving it up has caused many an argument in the past and I've blamed him for my many relapses. This time I've decided that I can't change his behaviour.....only my own and I am going to have to deal with him opening a bottle of wine in front of me and drinking it........it's so hard though!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 178
My husband drinks every day, and has done so for the past 11 years. While I was sober for a few years I would sometimes feel sick from his breath in bed at night and got fed up if our conversations didn't go well towards the end of the night. When I first quit, I didn't tell him until I felt more confident. I was worried that he would try to sabotage my attempt-and he did. He called and asked my if I wanted anything from the liquor store on the way home from work and offered to grab a beer for me out of the fridge. It was his AV, and I had to answer both his and mine.
We eventually worked it all out (without talking about feelings!) and found things to do together. I was always the sober driver, and we still went out to do the same things that we had always done.
Ultimately, that's what ended my sobriety. It wasn't him, because we had long ago worked out our relationship, but my overconfidence and forgetting how I suffered with alcohol that made me have that first drink in over four years, thinking I could stop at one.
Because we both have alcohol problems, our lives became very different quite soon after I become sober. I started branching out and finding things to do with my time while he stayed at home and drank. I think that if he didn't have a drinking problem, we would have been able to explore life together and we would have become closer as I became more healthy.
This time around is no different. I'm only on day two, and I know that I'll have to answer his AV as well as my own. So I'm waiting a few days before I tell him that he can go ahead and finish the beer in the fridge. I need a few more days behind me before I hear the old "you deserve to have just one drink, you know".
It would be great if he stopped, too, but I know that I can only make decisions for myself, one day at a time. If I don't make it sober, and make sober look good, his chances don't look so hot either.
We eventually worked it all out (without talking about feelings!) and found things to do together. I was always the sober driver, and we still went out to do the same things that we had always done.
Ultimately, that's what ended my sobriety. It wasn't him, because we had long ago worked out our relationship, but my overconfidence and forgetting how I suffered with alcohol that made me have that first drink in over four years, thinking I could stop at one.
Because we both have alcohol problems, our lives became very different quite soon after I become sober. I started branching out and finding things to do with my time while he stayed at home and drank. I think that if he didn't have a drinking problem, we would have been able to explore life together and we would have become closer as I became more healthy.
This time around is no different. I'm only on day two, and I know that I'll have to answer his AV as well as my own. So I'm waiting a few days before I tell him that he can go ahead and finish the beer in the fridge. I need a few more days behind me before I hear the old "you deserve to have just one drink, you know".
It would be great if he stopped, too, but I know that I can only make decisions for myself, one day at a time. If I don't make it sober, and make sober look good, his chances don't look so hot either.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I guess I was 'lucky'. My drinking put off my husband so much that he stopped drinking too. He never had any problem with alcohol, but was disgusted to see what it could do to someone. So...we never have alcohol in the house and never serve alcohol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by Emkay
My husband drinks every day, and has done so for the past 11 years. While I was sober for a few years I would sometimes feel sick from his breath in bed at night and got fed up if our conversations didn't go well towards the end of the night. When I first quit, I didn't tell him until I felt more confident. I was worried that he would try to sabotage my attempt-and he did. He called and asked my if I wanted anything from the liquor store on the way home from work and offered to grab a beer for me out of the fridge. It was his AV, and I had to answer both his and mine.
We eventually worked it all out (without talking about feelings!) and found things to do together. I was always the sober driver, and we still went out to do the same things that we had always done.
Ultimately, that's what ended my sobriety. It wasn't him, because we had long ago worked out our relationship, but my overconfidence and forgetting how I suffered with alcohol that made me have that first drink in over four years, thinking I could stop at one.
Because we both have alcohol problems, our lives became very different quite soon after I become sober. I started branching out and finding things to do with my time while he stayed at home and drank. I think that if he didn't have a drinking problem, we would have been able to explore life together and we would have become closer as I became more healthy.
This time around is no different. I'm only on day two, and I know that I'll have to answer his AV as well as my own. So I'm waiting a few days before I tell him that he can go ahead and finish the beer in the fridge. I need a few more days behind me before I hear the old "you deserve to have just one drink, you know".
It would be great if he stopped, too, but I know that I can only make decisions for myself, one day at a time. If I don't make it sober, and make sober look good, his chances don't look so hot either.
We eventually worked it all out (without talking about feelings!) and found things to do together. I was always the sober driver, and we still went out to do the same things that we had always done.
Ultimately, that's what ended my sobriety. It wasn't him, because we had long ago worked out our relationship, but my overconfidence and forgetting how I suffered with alcohol that made me have that first drink in over four years, thinking I could stop at one.
Because we both have alcohol problems, our lives became very different quite soon after I become sober. I started branching out and finding things to do with my time while he stayed at home and drank. I think that if he didn't have a drinking problem, we would have been able to explore life together and we would have become closer as I became more healthy.
This time around is no different. I'm only on day two, and I know that I'll have to answer his AV as well as my own. So I'm waiting a few days before I tell him that he can go ahead and finish the beer in the fridge. I need a few more days behind me before I hear the old "you deserve to have just one drink, you know".
It would be great if he stopped, too, but I know that I can only make decisions for myself, one day at a time. If I don't make it sober, and make sober look good, his chances don't look so hot either.
Thank you for your thoughtful post. It resonated with me about overconfidence...gave me something to think about. Your last sentence is a keeper too-about making sober look good...Thanks again!
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