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Old 07-24-2013, 10:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

Advice please!


Hi, I don't really know why I'm posting this. I don't know where to begin... I'm sort of hoping someone will have been there and be able to tell me what to do... I've just reached the end of my tether this last week, it seems to be getting worse and I just don't know what to do for the best...

To explain... My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and a half years. He's always drunk a lot and at first it didn't seem like such a big deal. All our friends went out and drank all the time, so I just put it down to that. He was often aggressive and violent when he drank, moody and difficult. I made excuses for it - it was just when he was drunk or whatever. Then about a year ago he got drunk and he made a scene in a club. I confronted him about it and he really hurt me. He didn't have any recollection of doing it the next day and after A LOT of serious discussion about his drinking and his behaviour, and how things would have to change, I agreed to give things another go.
For awhile he slowed the drinking down. Occasionally he'd go on a binge but I just made sure I left as soon as that started to happen or wasn't around. It's gradually gotten worse again though.
He hasn't physically hurt me again, but when he's drunk he calls me up demanding to know where I am and who I'm with, screaming abuse at me. He's alienated every single one of his friends with his temper tantrums and threats to kill himself when he's drinking. He's told his mum and his brother he knows he has a drinking problem and cried all over them about it; he's done the same thing with me several times. We've all tried to help him: suggested therapists that he could see, meetings he could go to. He usually agrees to go and then backs out. I was able to talk to him mum about it for awhile, and she was trying to support him, but he got upset about me talking to her and said I couldn't anymore.

His behaviour has just gotten completely bizarre. He's started talking in weird accents when he's drunk, but like not in a "funny" way, like he doesn't realise his voice and the way he speaks have changed. He doesn't focus on a conversation, he just flip flops around increasingly weird topics of conversation. He's happy one minute, then screaming abuse and talking nonsense, and sobbing the next. He twitches and punches things in public. He starts fights in bars. He keeps saying he wants to kill himself. He had a really important job the other day and he spent the night before drinking till all hours, none of his friends would take him in so he slept outside in a park... And he is just always drinking.

I feel so disloyal talking about him, but I just don't know what to do. He will sometimes admit he has a problem and ask for help, but won't accept the help when it actually comes to it. If I bring up the issue, most of the time he just says he doesn't have a problem and it's everyone else's fault for whatever reason (we're all boring and out to get him, apparently).
He is such a lovely, amazing person when he's sober. I just cannot cope with him drinking all the time and with the increasingly strange behaviour. I want the boyfriend I love back... Is there anything I can do to help him or do I just have to get out? And if I do get out, how do I make sure he doesn't hurt himself or come round and hurt me? He can be pretty scary when he's been drinking...

If anyone's been there, please help!
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Old 07-24-2013, 10:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I think you realize you are attached to an alcoholic right? It comes down to two choices really. Either you stay and endure the misery you have detailed waiting around for his snippets of sobriety (which will lessen and lessen and his aggressiveness will intensify) or you tell him you have had enough and mean it. He gets helps or you are outta there. Sobriety is a deeply personal battle. It is one we need support with, but ultimately it is our decision and our decision alone. If you give him this ultimatum, be prepared to stand by it. If you wish to stay regardless..then do yourself a favour and join al-anon or the Friends and Family Forum. There you will find support from those living with active alcoholics as well as those coping or gathering the strength for the leaving.

I'm so sorry for your pain.
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Old 07-24-2013, 11:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm sorry for your situation jumpingjacks.

I don't believe there's anything you can do as such - only the drinker can decide to do something about their drinking.

I pushed a lot of people who loved me away - simply by doing the same crappy things over and over again.

I hope your bf will be smarter than I was.
No matter how nice I was sober, people can only take so much.

You may need to decide where that point is for you?

I know you'll find a lot of support and experience here tho, both in this forum and our Family and Friends forums.

D
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Old 07-25-2013, 12:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I dont mean to be too blunt or sound ruthless and mean myself but..U've continued to stay by his side after he's hurt u tremendously in so many ways, so many times-And he's followed thru with nothing necessary to help himself and your relationship.?? Yet he keeps selfishly pounding drinks & acting insane? Please, nobody deserves that level of disrespect. He Hit You? He's not even close. Good luck, ur really gonna need it if u stay with him for one more second. U already needed a lot of it, right? It runs out eventually. He's the only one who can help him, just like everyone else. If he threatens ur safety in any way, call 911 & let him get what he's beggin for, and frankly needs b4 he kills someone, like U. Peace.
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Old 07-25-2013, 12:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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agree with all the above. For your own safety and sake please consider yourself in all this. You deserve so much better.

He won't get help unless he wants it. You can't make sure he doesn't hurt himself-he is not your responsibility. you can only make sure he doesn't hurt you.Staying with him when he's hurt and abused you just gives him license to keep doing it.

It is progressive and will get worse and worse.
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Old 07-25-2013, 02:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Jumpinjacks
Welcome to SR
I am a binge drinker. No matter how much my hubby would address my drinking, I saw no problem with it... in fact it made me drink more... and I hurt him a lot - a real lot...with outrageous behaviour...that I recall nothing of...
With my last binge, I landed up in hospital and decided that I need to quit - I have children and this greatly influenced my decision too. Without them, I doubt I would have quit....
All I can say, is that he will quit when he is ready... there is nothing you can do to change his drinking...
In the meantime though, I don't think you should hang around and allow yourself to get hurt - because as long as he is drinking, you can expect to get hurt.
If you decide to stay, then please get yourself as much support as you can so that you do not feel alone.
SR has been my saving grace - the support here has been out of this world. I go to the chat room all the time so I don't feel alone.

Keep coming to SR whenever you feel alone.

Hugs
Shell
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Old 07-25-2013, 07:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks, I'm really thinking about what you have all said and I'm trying to find the courage to take your advice! Thank you for your kind words and advice
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Old 07-25-2013, 07:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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It sounds like he's definitely in the throes of alcoholism. His behavior reminds me a lot of my mom's... and my own. I feel for you. Like the others have said, there isn't much you can do to help someone lost in their addiction. He will have to decide enough is enough. Hopefully, that will be sooner rather than later. The best you can do is to not enable his drinking in any way, and to take care of yourself... protect yourself from his abuse, even if that means to distance yourself.
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