dontevenknow

I've had plenty of time, a handful of years here and there, though not recently. Lately I've felt that it doesn't matter. That it is all for nothing. I went to AA for years but lately I don't because I find it too hard to hide my repugnance for the program. I hate to be a distraction to those who will really benefit. Is this normal? Should I try to recommit myself or am I going to be a distraction to those who still believe in it? I mean, I am successful and capable and my problem is mostly anxiety and depression which doesn't seem to respond to alcohol abuse one way or the other.

Dee74

Is it normal for your addiction to try and talk you out of working on your recovery?
and to use self loathing or even a sense of misguided nobility towards others to do it?

yes, it is - it's a sneaky little booger

you deserve and are as worthy of recovery as anyone else here, donltevenknow

if you feel AA is not for you, there's plenty of other avenues to explore

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including but mot limited to AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

D

Nuudawn

If you don't want to go to AA, don't go. There are other options. I think if you truly dislike something, forcing yourself to do it is counterproductive. I stayed in jobs and relationships I didn't like by DRINKING my way through them. Be true to your self...in all ways. I think community is very important to recovery. I find mine here.

dontevenknow

Well the problem is that I do like AA, but I bend it to my will. I mean I make lots of money and I like weird drugs and crazy chicks. I do like the community here but lately I am starting to think that I'm meant to just ride this thing all the way down you know. Not meant to escape it or turn away from it. I've always had a good rapport with God but I think maybe it's not the same God others are talking to.

Nuudawn

I typically don't use the word "repugnance" in the same sentence with things I like. Sorry...confused me.

When you get to a place you want to stop bending anything or anyone..to your will...crazy chicks, AA or God for that matter...when you realize you ain't Him...you gotta shot. You at that place?

ScottFromWI

SR is a recovery forum, so just to state the obvious: No one here is going to recommend you just say f**k it and go back to drinking.

A couple of thoughts...

You mention your anxiety and depression doesn't respond to alcohol. Have you ever tried therapy or prescribed drugs to help? The underlying issues we all have don't disappear when we quit drinking.

You must have at least some interest in sobriety by coming here. What do you fear the most about being sober?

Anna

Yeah, I would also comment on the depression/anxiety. For me, alcoholism was a symptom and I had a LOT of stuff to work on once I stopped drinking.

I hope you don't 'give up' because I know for sure that this disease is relentless.

Dee74

That sounds to me again like addiction talking.

You've been doing this for 20 to 25 years, right?

I was the worlds oldest teenager too - somewhere in me that made me anxious and depressed because I knew there was more to life than weird drugs parties and crazy chicks.

The trouble with waiting for something to happen to change you is that many of us never hit bottom, we just keep falling...many more of us simply don't survive to hit any kind of bottom and straighten out.

don't count on that.

I'm not trying to be funny, but maybe you need to pick a side here, don'tevenknow?

D