Soberpotamus

Lately I've been ruminating on things. Lots of things. Two things in particular are causing me some grief and distress. I've lost two friends to alcoholic related illnesses... one died of liver failure, the other died of bone cancer.

I found out just a few years ago that a guy I knew back in college died of liver failure. He was only in his 40's, probably early 40's at the most. He owned and operated a bar & grill in my college town. We briefly dated. Nothing serious. Mostly just hung out as friends. But I will never forget the inside of his apartment... it was littered with empty whiskey bottles. He was also an artist. Had graduated from the university there with a degree in art. He plastered the walls of his apartment with drawings. They were all nearly the same. They were aliens or some sort of weird science fiction type artwork. I couldn't really figure it out. I didn't think they were very good at all. It looked like a child's drawing, warped by alcohol. And as I scanned the walls, I realized... he was drawing how he felt about himself. I think he felt like an alien or outsider. He was very shy and withdrawn. And he looked odd. But he was so sweet and kind. He was a good person. He ran a good business.

I am so sad to realize that he felt so alone in the world. And that he actually drank himself to death. I feel guilt. And I know this is ridiculous. But I just feel like I could have done something more.

The other friend was also an artist. She was a sculptor. She battled depression. She drank and smoked a lot. She texted me out of the blue one day, while I was running at the track, that she had just found she had bone cancer and not much time to live. My stomach did flip flops and my heart sank. I was stunned. We only knew each other long distance, by chat, text, phone & Facebook but I felt somewhat close to her for a long time. We met through Moderation Management. We had both tried earlier on to cut down and get our drinking under control. I'm not sure she ever did. Anyway, I was in shock. Finally, I texted her to call me. She did. And I was drunk. I was drunk the last time I talked to her. I barely remember what I said... I think I was obnoxious... telling her to pull herself up by the bootstraps... sort of like "come on... fight this... don't let it get you down" kinda talk, told her to get 2nd and 3rd opinions, etc. ... and I failed to see that she was in her very last days. I just didn't want to think she was really dying. I told her I'd come up there and stay with her. She told me she'd appreciate that. Just a few more weeks later I got a text from her son. She was dead.

I feel terrible. I felt like I could have been nicer to her on the phone. Why did I have to be drunk? The last thing she heard from me was drunken BS. I was probably slurring my speech. I feel like a total a@@. Worse than an a@@.

I know there is nothing I can do about any of this now. I feel so helpless and like I failed them.

NorCaliGal

Hugs Jenny -

I am sorry for your losses.

I just recently found out that a close friend of mine passed away last Thursday, from liver and kidney failure. He was a heavy drinker. No one was even knew he was sick, and then we heard he passed away. Due to his living out of state the last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. He was the fifth friend in two and half years to pass away due to alcohol related health issues.

And I've experienced many other losses - most notably two years ago my long-time boyfriend of 22 years died of a heart attack. I found him face down on the front porch. He was 46 years old.

What I believe is that the person who has passed away understands that we have done the best we can, given our circumstances and our situation at the time. Now you may think this is a cop out, excusing myself of former bad behavior. I don't agree. I think you, given your circumstances and situation, did the best you could at the time for your friends. You weren't really equipped to do more then, so how could you? Judging your former self through your current self's eyes is somehow not fair. All we can do is do better in the future, with our new perspectives and experience.

Take care.

Soberpotamus

I see what you mean. I think I read something on the SMART Recovery site a month ago about guilt & regret...

Here it is. I just went and found it on the site. It made a lot of sense to me. I think dealing with guilt requires forgiving yourself for not having perfect awareness. And we never have perfect awareness because we are human... and were once drunk humans

"Guilt

When you have guilt, you reinforce the feelings of being not okay. You lose your confidence and self-respect. You feel undeserving and you hold yourself back.

The key to releasing guilt is to recognize that we all go through life doing the very best we can with the extremely limited skills and awareness that we have at the time.

Unfortunately, the awareness that we have is seldom enough. As a result we make mistakes. Sometimes we make big ones.

Making mistakes is part of the human process. This is how we learn. Every time you make a mistake you learn a little more about life. You then become wiser and more aware.

Five years from now you will be much wiser than you are today, but the wisdom you will have five years from now doesn't do you any good today. This is true because today, you don't have it.

Likewise the wisdom that you have today didn't do you any good back when you made your mistake. This is true because back then, you didn't know what you know today. You only knew what you knew.

To see this in your life, go back in time to the moment you made your mistake. Notice that at the time, you had a very particular state of mind and a very particular way of seeing life. Notice that your actions were totally consistent with where you were at the moment.

If you knew then what you know today, you could have acted very differently, but you didn't. Even if you thought you knew better, you didn't know the consequences like you do today.

So here is the big question: Are you willing to forgive yourself for not knowing? Are you willing to forgive yourself for not being wiser and more aware? You might as well. If you look, you did the very best you could with where you were at the time.

Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being wiser and more aware. Forgive yourself for acting consistent with your limited awareness and forgive yourself for the damage that you caused as a result of your not knowing.

Allow yourself to be human."

Dee74

I'm sorry for your losses Jennie.

I understand you trying to find meaning in something that seems meaningless, I also understand you blaming yourself for something you can't bring yourself to blame someone else for.

we all make choices, and in the end, unless we're very lucky, we collect every cent of the dividend from those choices.

my guess is these stories began long before you were on the scene, and they continued whether you were there or not.

You're not a bad person.

I also bet there were lots of other times where you gave support and comfort and it was appreciated, and remembered.

stop beating yourself up

D

NorCaliGal

EXACTLY!!!

The Smart Recovery Site said it much more eloquently.

(I'm going to print this out so I can refer to it when needed.)

Soberpotamus

But your reply was much more personal, and I thank you for it

I am so sorry you lost your ex-bf like that...

Nuudawn

I hesitate to calling this a "beautiful post" because it is so heartbreakingly tragic, yet no other words come to my mind. Your insight into your friend and the "alien self portraits" was so very sad.... I'm so very sorry for your losses. Addiction ultimately is a deeply personal battle, one we need allies for yes... but really, you cannot beat yourself for not being there because you were drunk on that call, you were in the trenches yourself.

You cared Jen...and that means so very much.

NorCaliGal

Thank you. We had some issues we were working through at the time, and for quite a while the thought of the unfinished business and the "what ifs" caused a great deal of guilt for me. When I worked through it, and allowed myself to be human (as the bit you've quoted says), and acknowledged his human-ness also (because relationships are a two-way street, both parties are equally responsible), I was able to let the guilt go and move forward.

TnRobert

So sorry for the loss of your friends.

Soberpotamus

Thanks very much, Dee & Nuudawn

Mizzuno

Hi Jennie,
I am sorry that you are hurting Jennie. In your post, I can see that you were there for your friend. I am sorry that it was not the way that you wanted it to be. I think that when people die the living are filled with regret about what should/ could/ would have happened if we said or did the right thing. You were a good friend, and I know that your friend knows this. I hope that you begin to move into a place of forgiveness. (((HUG))) to you.

Typing from a phone. Forgive the grammar.

Louise82

I'm so sorry for your losses, Jennie. Thanks for sharing about your friends and about what you're feeling now.

I really like that SMART Recovery extract you posted. This part:

reminds me of that question, "If you could go back in time, what would you tell your younger self?"

We can't go back in time and use our wisdom and experience to tell our younger selves how to handle a situation, but what we can do is use our wisdom and experience from past situations to move forward and to do things well.

Like the others have said, you did all you were able to at the time for two people fighting the very personal battle against addiction. You didn't fail either of them in any way. If anything, having you as a friend made their lives better.

LePalem

Hello
They are truly sad stories. I know about losing friends at an early age. One of my best friends died of lung cancer at the age of 35 having never smoked a cigarette in his life.......but his wife did. So unfair.
Well I cant say that I have got off to a good start on here as I got some very bad news regarding property......Why are people so wicked?
Peter

LadyBlue0527

Hi Jennie,

I'm sorry for your losses. However, don't put what happened on yourself. I think it's only natural when we have someone die to question if there's more that we could have done. However, in most cases there really isn't.

I do want to tell you that you were one of the first people that replied when I posted on here. To me you were an inspiration and a hand up and were so welcoming and I am so thankful for that. I read your posts and you have great insight and are so helpful to many. This board is better in part because of you

I hope that helped to make you feel a bit better. There are so many people on here that you can't always continuously interact with the same people all the time but I always see your posts and remember your kindness

Soberpotamus

Sorry to hear that, Peter.

Soberpotamus

Aww, thanks so much, LadyBlue That was really sweet of you to say. And I hope you are enjoying the forum. I do see your posts still, glad you are here

Soberpotamus

I think you're right about that, Mizzuno. I know it's happening for me ever since my mom died, and even my grandmother. I still worry and stress over what I could have done. Especially with my mom. So, I think these two friends' deaths are really on the forefront of my brain lately, probably because I'm processing my mom's death.

Anna

Jennie, I'm sorry for the loss of both of your friends.

I have found that forgiving myself has been the most challenging part of recovery for me. It's been really tough. I can forgive others, but it's much harder to forgive myself.

This quote from the brilliant Maya Angelou helped me find peace many times. "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Peach2013

I am new here, but your message really hit home with me. A beautiful friend of mine passed away from alcohol poisoning last year. She was in her late 40's, maybe early 50's. But because of alcohol, she lost the only man she ever loved in a divorce, became estranged from her children, lost her teaching job and certification, and her self-esteem. She was a beautiful woman. She was an athlete. She messaged me and emailed me often, wanting us to go out together. I never did. I was afraid that I would become even less capable of holding down my job and keeping my family together if she and I started hanging out. I feel guilty, sometimes, that I didn't help her. But truthfully, there was nothing I really could have done back then. I didn't want to go anywhere with anybody after work, except straight home to start my love affair with liquor every night until bedtime.
I am going to write down the quote you found about guilt and not knowing back then what we know now. Thank you for sharing that. Peach

Peach2013

Anna,
Your quote by Maya Angelou was beautiful, and very appropriate. Thank you. Peach