Telling People: How you're afraid that they'll respond vs how they really respond
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
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Telling People: How you're afraid that they'll respond vs how they really respond
Hi All,
I toyed with what forum to put this in but I thought it would be most helpful to the newcomers. One of the questions that's most posed is either how to tell people or concern for the reaction that will be received. I think it would be helpful for those of us who have been through the experience to state examples of what happened and how we handled it. Repeating myself here but I have had many experienced people tell me that I shouldn't be ashamed of being sober and to not make excuses. However, I know my people better than others know my people. I do whatever it takes to keep my sobriety safe. Just as each person on this board needs to do what's right for them. It can't hurt though to get some input from those who have been there.
With that being said, here's how I have handled it.
Drinking buddies: Point blank, told them. No use beating around the bush with these guys. "Quit for a while" or "not this weekend" didn't work for me. That message just tells them "Hey, still on the market to throw back a few, give me a call next weekend". That would have been the biggest threat to my sobriety if they continued to try to get together with me to drink. However, I haven't heard from them since then either. Which leads me to whether it was really worth the relationship or not. Oh, sorry, I did hear from one via text and it was essentially putting feelers out to see if I was still abstaining. As soon as it was made clear that I was I haven't heard back from her again. But hey, I used them too as drinking buddies. Can't say I wouldn't do the same if the situation was reversed. These are the people to stay away from in the early stages. If the friendship is true it can be rekindled down the road under non alcohol related circumstances. However, if you ever hear "Oh come on, you don't need to quit, just have one" run FAST and run FAR. That person has no concern for your well being, just that they're losing a drinking buddy which makes them have to face their own issues.
Family: No explanation needed here, they all know me, they all know why, and they were eternally grateful to hear the words. This includes my brother who was one of my drinking buddies. He couldn't be happier for me.
Regular non drinking buddy friends/Coworkers: No blow by blow description of why. Didn't need to. Just worked it into a conversation somehow. I did this purposely to keep myself safe. I was surprised how many of them actually congratulated me on my efforts. So thankful that I did this because I work at a place that likes to have fun. Tomorrow we're doing a scavenger hunt around the city that ends up at an undisclosed location for apps and drinks. Then taking a boat ride to an island for dinner and then finally, another boat trip around the islands. You can bet that alcohol is riddled throughout this adventure. I'll be signing up for the 24 hour club tomorrow (when I do that I'm in, there is NO choice, it's my go to place when I am going to be around alcohol). However, since my coworkers know there's no need for any explanations when I order seltzer with lime.
I think that most of you will be amazed that your fear of people knowing, for the most part, is actually worse than you think it is.
I also found that in prior attempts to get sober my fear of telling people wasn't really about their reaction. It was my fear of my inability to drink in front of them once I had let the cat out of the bag. This time, the more people that know the happier I am because that keeps my sobriety even more safe. I am accountable.
Anyone else with experiences?
I toyed with what forum to put this in but I thought it would be most helpful to the newcomers. One of the questions that's most posed is either how to tell people or concern for the reaction that will be received. I think it would be helpful for those of us who have been through the experience to state examples of what happened and how we handled it. Repeating myself here but I have had many experienced people tell me that I shouldn't be ashamed of being sober and to not make excuses. However, I know my people better than others know my people. I do whatever it takes to keep my sobriety safe. Just as each person on this board needs to do what's right for them. It can't hurt though to get some input from those who have been there.
With that being said, here's how I have handled it.
Drinking buddies: Point blank, told them. No use beating around the bush with these guys. "Quit for a while" or "not this weekend" didn't work for me. That message just tells them "Hey, still on the market to throw back a few, give me a call next weekend". That would have been the biggest threat to my sobriety if they continued to try to get together with me to drink. However, I haven't heard from them since then either. Which leads me to whether it was really worth the relationship or not. Oh, sorry, I did hear from one via text and it was essentially putting feelers out to see if I was still abstaining. As soon as it was made clear that I was I haven't heard back from her again. But hey, I used them too as drinking buddies. Can't say I wouldn't do the same if the situation was reversed. These are the people to stay away from in the early stages. If the friendship is true it can be rekindled down the road under non alcohol related circumstances. However, if you ever hear "Oh come on, you don't need to quit, just have one" run FAST and run FAR. That person has no concern for your well being, just that they're losing a drinking buddy which makes them have to face their own issues.
Family: No explanation needed here, they all know me, they all know why, and they were eternally grateful to hear the words. This includes my brother who was one of my drinking buddies. He couldn't be happier for me.
Regular non drinking buddy friends/Coworkers: No blow by blow description of why. Didn't need to. Just worked it into a conversation somehow. I did this purposely to keep myself safe. I was surprised how many of them actually congratulated me on my efforts. So thankful that I did this because I work at a place that likes to have fun. Tomorrow we're doing a scavenger hunt around the city that ends up at an undisclosed location for apps and drinks. Then taking a boat ride to an island for dinner and then finally, another boat trip around the islands. You can bet that alcohol is riddled throughout this adventure. I'll be signing up for the 24 hour club tomorrow (when I do that I'm in, there is NO choice, it's my go to place when I am going to be around alcohol). However, since my coworkers know there's no need for any explanations when I order seltzer with lime.
I think that most of you will be amazed that your fear of people knowing, for the most part, is actually worse than you think it is.
I also found that in prior attempts to get sober my fear of telling people wasn't really about their reaction. It was my fear of my inability to drink in front of them once I had let the cat out of the bag. This time, the more people that know the happier I am because that keeps my sobriety even more safe. I am accountable.
Anyone else with experiences?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
What about the moms? My kids did tell the family, but their addiction did hold back one important detail, they were addicts. They just reported facts that they could control. So I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm being portrayed as the "bad" who called the police on their kids, got them addicted because they stole pills from the house. Outsiders only know the one side of the story from the person telling it. So they react in the way they have been brainwashed to. I only tell you this because its coming from a mom who has little or no support. I cling to this Forum, to the people in SR. They know the truth, they don't judge. I hope this shows a different side of telling people and who is doing the telling. Thanks for letting me tell you my opinion and this is just one opinion. Addiction tells a different story every time. Do I make any sense?
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
LadyBlue0527, thanks for this thread. As a newcomer on day 17, I do find it very helpful. It's refreshing to know that you were able to be honest with all the different groups in your life while telling each group in the specific way you needed to tell that group.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
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Twofish, I did realize that everyone is going to differ. There are so many circumstances and my post is so general. I'm sorry that you are going through what you are and am glad that you're here. You're right too, where the characteristics of alcohol are so much the same (how we got here and what it's like to be an alcoholic) each story is different.
Louise82, your post made me realize that I am truly very lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I know that there are many people out there that have a much tougher time because all aspects are their life are ingrained with alcohol. It would really be interesting to hear from some of them and how they handled it.
Louise82, your post made me realize that I am truly very lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I know that there are many people out there that have a much tougher time because all aspects are their life are ingrained with alcohol. It would really be interesting to hear from some of them and how they handled it.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I didn't tell anyone about my decision. I found that I had to dig so deeply within myself to recover that it became a very personal journey.
I had let my family down numerous times, so I just stopped drinking and let them see the changes in me.
I had let my family down numerous times, so I just stopped drinking and let them see the changes in me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 33
I did what Anna did, I have not told anyone except one friend that I trust completely I who will be very supportive. My children noticed because they live with me, but as for everyone else, I want them to just see for themselves and hopefully see the positive changes in me as Anna said.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I have underplayed the reasons why I quit to everyone except my immediate family. They are supportive but didn't really understand. I think because it was such a big deal to me I expected it to be a big deal to everyone else but it really isn't. My told my family after I had been sober for a few months so they considered it problem solved (though it wasn't like that for me). One friend I have been entirely honest with who was a drinking buddy and our relationship is still ticking along. He has had a few moments of disbelief and insinuated he didn't like me not drinking but I just said that was his problem not mine and all was well again. A few other friends I have just said that I was drinking too much and they didn't bat an eyelid. And these are people who have been witness to some of my less dignified moments in my youth. A few other friends I just can't be honest with because I am pretty sure they would judge me. They are not drinkers so I don't think they'd get it. I just say I don't drink and don't discuss it further. To be honest I think that is the best approach I have found. I want to be honest but most people just aren't that interested. If someone really wants to know then I will tell them in great detail but otherwise I am keeping it to myself these days. I have only ever been disappointed in other people's reaction anyway.
All that said it took me a long time to be able to handle this at all. The first many months of sobriety I just wanted to bury my head in the sand and deny everything. I don't think I was ready to admit it to myself nevermind anyone else.
All that said it took me a long time to be able to handle this at all. The first many months of sobriety I just wanted to bury my head in the sand and deny everything. I don't think I was ready to admit it to myself nevermind anyone else.
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