Mental Illness & Alcohol Abuse
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Mental Illness & Alcohol Abuse
Hey, I'm a 22 year old girl, who after a long time of knowing it, has finally decided to admit I have a serious alcohol problem.
I have suffered with panic disorder, general anxiety and severe depression since I was 12 but had no idea what was wrong with me til I got diagnosed at 16.
I have drank since I was 13/14 but only started to self medicate when I was about 19. At the start it seemed like a genuine solution to my problems, especially as I worked in a bar at the time and realized I could drink through all of my shifts, seemingly, without getting caught. This led to me having to drink before I even left for work, no matter what time of the day it was and eventually led to me having to drink before I could even leave the house. About 2 years ago, I did get caught and immediately fired. I have been unemployed ever since.
Now my life consists of staying in almost all the time and then going out and getting hammered at the weekend. Despite going through the withdrawals in November last year and vowing never to get drunk again, here I am.
I have tried a couple of antidepressants and therapy over the years, however had to drop out of my most recent group therapy for OCD because of how much vodka I was having to drink to get there in the first place.
Now it has been 3 days since my last drink and they have been 3 days of agonizing anxiety, panic attacks and suicidal despair and I know I can't bear to go through this again.
Sorry if this post is long and rambling! But i was wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation? Or (hopefully!) if anyone has got sober and found an improvement in their anxiety/depression? I know I have a lot of work to do other than just getting sober but could this be the first step to a happier life?
I also know that giving up drinking will effectively cut me off from all my friends and even my boyfriend who I couldn't see without a drink but will this be worth it in the long run?
I have suffered with panic disorder, general anxiety and severe depression since I was 12 but had no idea what was wrong with me til I got diagnosed at 16.
I have drank since I was 13/14 but only started to self medicate when I was about 19. At the start it seemed like a genuine solution to my problems, especially as I worked in a bar at the time and realized I could drink through all of my shifts, seemingly, without getting caught. This led to me having to drink before I even left for work, no matter what time of the day it was and eventually led to me having to drink before I could even leave the house. About 2 years ago, I did get caught and immediately fired. I have been unemployed ever since.
Now my life consists of staying in almost all the time and then going out and getting hammered at the weekend. Despite going through the withdrawals in November last year and vowing never to get drunk again, here I am.
I have tried a couple of antidepressants and therapy over the years, however had to drop out of my most recent group therapy for OCD because of how much vodka I was having to drink to get there in the first place.
Now it has been 3 days since my last drink and they have been 3 days of agonizing anxiety, panic attacks and suicidal despair and I know I can't bear to go through this again.
Sorry if this post is long and rambling! But i was wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation? Or (hopefully!) if anyone has got sober and found an improvement in their anxiety/depression? I know I have a lot of work to do other than just getting sober but could this be the first step to a happier life?
I also know that giving up drinking will effectively cut me off from all my friends and even my boyfriend who I couldn't see without a drink but will this be worth it in the long run?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Congrats on your decision to get sober Waterlines. My personal opinion is yes, sobriety is worth all those things you mention. Your current friends are most likely just drinking pals anyway, so when you stop drinking you wont have much to talk about anyway. It's tough but most of us have been through it.
I was never diagnosed with panic disorder or anxiety, but I definitely had both during the last stages of my drinking career. And it has gotten MUCH better since I quit. The initial few weeks were absolute hell, but it gradually gets better. Not saying it will completely cure everything, but it will definitely help a lot.
SR has been my main support mechanism, there is always someone here who can help or listen. You may consider local support like AA or other methods like AVRT too. But bottom line you can do this and it is worth it...be well!
I was never diagnosed with panic disorder or anxiety, but I definitely had both during the last stages of my drinking career. And it has gotten MUCH better since I quit. The initial few weeks were absolute hell, but it gradually gets better. Not saying it will completely cure everything, but it will definitely help a lot.
SR has been my main support mechanism, there is always someone here who can help or listen. You may consider local support like AA or other methods like AVRT too. But bottom line you can do this and it is worth it...be well!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: US
Posts: 34
At the moment I feel too anxious to go to anything like AA without the alcohol I have been using to get out of the house, which is why I'm glad I've found this forum. What is AVRT?
Right now the idea of getting sober seems completely surreal and almost impossible. But thanks for the reply, maybe it is possible after all
Right now the idea of getting sober seems completely surreal and almost impossible. But thanks for the reply, maybe it is possible after all
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by waterlines 
At the moment I feel too anxious to go to anything like AA without the alcohol I have been using to get out of the house, which is why I'm glad I've found this forum. What is AVRT?
Right now the idea of getting sober seems completely surreal and almost impossible. But thanks for the reply, maybe it is possible after all
Right now the idea of getting sober seems completely surreal and almost impossible. But thanks for the reply, maybe it is possible after all
As scary as AA seems now, don't discount it 100% Your anxiety will get better, and it's very common to feel as you do now. Many AA chapters will have someone meet you outside the meeting first, maybe even come pick you up if you feel up to it.
The important thing now is that you want to get sober and are making an effort. And it is ABSOLUTELY possible for you - there is no question that you can if you really want to.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Yes, it is possible and yes, it's definitely worth it.
to SR! I got sober over three years ago and found that my depression and anxiety calmed down a lot. Also since I'm not drinking my meds for that work as they should.
I'm glad you found us and joined the family!
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here.
to SR! I got sober over three years ago and found that my depression and anxiety calmed down a lot. Also since I'm not drinking my meds for that work as they should. I'm glad you found us and joined the family!
You'll find a lot of support and understanding here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 559
the longer you abstain from alcohol the better you will feel.
i can relate to everything you have said (except i quit my job before they could fire me). are you on any prescription meds at the moment? i can't give medical advice, but without the depressant of alcohol i am feeling much better - i had never been sober to give the meds a proper chance.
also, i am forty. be kind to yourself and get on top of this now, before it runs away with you. 3 days is a great achievement, and if you don't drink you'll never have to live through those first tough days again.
good luck.
i can relate to everything you have said (except i quit my job before they could fire me). are you on any prescription meds at the moment? i can't give medical advice, but without the depressant of alcohol i am feeling much better - i had never been sober to give the meds a proper chance.
also, i am forty. be kind to yourself and get on top of this now, before it runs away with you. 3 days is a great achievement, and if you don't drink you'll never have to live through those first tough days again.
good luck.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hey welcome : ) Thank you for sharing your story. I believe telling our stories is healing for both the teller and the listener. I know I see bits of myself in your story. Alcohol was my self remedy too...I suppose that is the nature of alcoholism. We pick up this readily available, socially acceptable elixir. No doctor, no diagnosis, no support, no insight, no knowledge..no nothing. We find our answer on the island of alcohol like a castaway...and there we stay... alone, drunk and confused.
Really glad you found you're way here. My sobriety is new...this place has been a really big lifeline. A rescue ship that docked on my island : )
Really glad you found you're way here. My sobriety is new...this place has been a really big lifeline. A rescue ship that docked on my island : )
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: US
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by ippochick
the longer you abstain from alcohol the better you will feel.
i can relate to everything you have said (except i quit my job before they could fire me). are you on any prescription meds at the moment? i can't give medical advice, but without the depressant of alcohol i am feeling much better - i had never been sober to give the meds a proper chance.
also, i am forty. be kind to yourself and get on top of this now, before it runs away with you. 3 days is a great achievement, and if you don't drink you'll never have to live through those first tough days again.
good luck.
i can relate to everything you have said (except i quit my job before they could fire me). are you on any prescription meds at the moment? i can't give medical advice, but without the depressant of alcohol i am feeling much better - i had never been sober to give the meds a proper chance.
also, i am forty. be kind to yourself and get on top of this now, before it runs away with you. 3 days is a great achievement, and if you don't drink you'll never have to live through those first tough days again.
good luck.
Thanks everyone else for your replies! I agree it really helps to share our stories and take away that massive feeling of isolation we can have. Let me know how your sobriety is going and I'll keep you updated on mine. First big hurdle is this weekend, which will hopefully be the first weekend I haven't drank in as long as i can remember.
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Welcome to SR, waterlines! Thanks for sharing your story and well done on 3 days. I can relate a little as I also used alcohol to self-medicate my depression, despite trying a couple of different antidepressants and therapy. I'm nearly 17 days sober and the first few days were rough for me too - I did feel depressed but in the past week or so I've begun to feel much better. Like ippochick said, alcohol is a depressant, so the more I drank and the longer I kept drinking, the more depressed I was.
It's great that upon quitting drinking you went to see someone who was able to prescribe appropriate medication for your withdrawals. Do keep going back to your GP to check in with them and discuss issues such as going on another antidepressant. My GP gave me a list of local free services that provide addiction/alcoholism therapy, counselling and support so ask your GP about that if you think that might help.
It's great that upon quitting drinking you went to see someone who was able to prescribe appropriate medication for your withdrawals. Do keep going back to your GP to check in with them and discuss issues such as going on another antidepressant. My GP gave me a list of local free services that provide addiction/alcoholism therapy, counselling and support so ask your GP about that if you think that might help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Hi. As stated alcohol is a depressant and not used we start to feel better one day at a time. Drinking friends? See if they will meet you regularly at a non drinking place.
I'm a softer easier person and years ago started going to AA which save many lives one day at a time and has people who understand us. BE WELL
I'm a softer easier person and years ago started going to AA which save many lives one day at a time and has people who understand us. BE WELL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: US
Posts: 34
Well done on 17 days Louise82. I actually have someone coming to see me from the charity 'Mind' tomorrow, which is pure coincidence because I organized that appointment before I decided to quit drinking but I'm sure they'll be able to help me out. And I plan to get counselling or CBT through them and hopefully find a way of dealing with my anxiety and troubling thoughts without just getting drunk to block them out.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Coquitlam B.C.
Posts: 3,760
Well done on your 3 days
My anxiety got better after a few weeks off the booze now I have 74 days sober and is is much better.
Just take it one day at the time or like I do one hour at the time. Where ever work to keep me sober.
My anxiety got better after a few weeks off the booze now I have 74 days sober and is is much better.
Just take it one day at the time or like I do one hour at the time. Where ever work to keep me sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
Sounds as if you are in a few binds.
Like you I suffered severe anxiety and depression from an early age and used alcohol to come across as normal to others.This method of course led to serious alcoholism and the related mental and physical problems.
Years later at Uni I would take large doses of benzos to relieve a racing heart during tutorials. My 'treatment' was ever worsening the essential disease.
This went on for decades with me becoming crazier and crazier.
You can find good company away from alcohol and drugs if you persist and look to the available options. Conversely, alcoholics lives deteriorate, one way or the other, over time.Better to start young and take stock before things get really bad.
Like you I suffered severe anxiety and depression from an early age and used alcohol to come across as normal to others.This method of course led to serious alcoholism and the related mental and physical problems.
Years later at Uni I would take large doses of benzos to relieve a racing heart during tutorials. My 'treatment' was ever worsening the essential disease.
This went on for decades with me becoming crazier and crazier.
You can find good company away from alcohol and drugs if you persist and look to the available options. Conversely, alcoholics lives deteriorate, one way or the other, over time.Better to start young and take stock before things get really bad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: US
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Murchovski
Sounds as if you are in a few binds.
Like you I suffered severe anxiety and depression from an early age and used alcohol to come across as normal to others.This method of course led to serious alcoholism and the related mental and physical problems.
Years later at Uni I would take large doses of benzos to relieve a racing heart during tutorials. My 'treatment' was ever worsening the essential disease.
This went on for decades with me becoming crazier and crazier.
You can find good company away from alcohol and drugs if you persist and look to the available options. Conversely, alcoholics lives deteriorate, one way or the other, over time.Better to start young and take stock before things get really bad.
Like you I suffered severe anxiety and depression from an early age and used alcohol to come across as normal to others.This method of course led to serious alcoholism and the related mental and physical problems.
Years later at Uni I would take large doses of benzos to relieve a racing heart during tutorials. My 'treatment' was ever worsening the essential disease.
This went on for decades with me becoming crazier and crazier.
You can find good company away from alcohol and drugs if you persist and look to the available options. Conversely, alcoholics lives deteriorate, one way or the other, over time.Better to start young and take stock before things get really bad.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hi waterlines,
Yes. I went through pretty much the same kind of thing. I was the self-medicating sort. I have pretty bad depression, anxiety that has fortunately died down a lot as I've gotten older/sober.
I know it can be a struggle to feel that choice between drinking to soothe or struggling with the mental effects sober. Alcohol does create its own vicious cycle as you may have noticed; it helps for a while but when it wears off the feelings you were hoping to fix get worse than "normal."
What did it for me with the mental health side was to keep trying new things until you find what work. Treatment is a very individual thing; there's no universal. I was lucky myself to stumble into DBT, which is whats been working for me now for years and is also part of my recovery.
I would not have the relatively good mental health I have if I wasn't sober. I still have a lot of bad days sometimes but I get past them quicker when I don't try to drown them out. I've got 2.5 years of sobriety now.
I've read through some of my old posts here from years back when I was struggling mentally, relapsing constantly and doubted that I'd get past it. So be strong in thinking you can do this, even if it's bumpy, things do change.
Yes. I went through pretty much the same kind of thing. I was the self-medicating sort. I have pretty bad depression, anxiety that has fortunately died down a lot as I've gotten older/sober.
I know it can be a struggle to feel that choice between drinking to soothe or struggling with the mental effects sober. Alcohol does create its own vicious cycle as you may have noticed; it helps for a while but when it wears off the feelings you were hoping to fix get worse than "normal."
What did it for me with the mental health side was to keep trying new things until you find what work. Treatment is a very individual thing; there's no universal. I was lucky myself to stumble into DBT, which is whats been working for me now for years and is also part of my recovery.
I would not have the relatively good mental health I have if I wasn't sober. I still have a lot of bad days sometimes but I get past them quicker when I don't try to drown them out. I've got 2.5 years of sobriety now.
I've read through some of my old posts here from years back when I was struggling mentally, relapsing constantly and doubted that I'd get past it. So be strong in thinking you can do this, even if it's bumpy, things do change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: US
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Isaiah
Hi waterlines,
Yes. I went through pretty much the same kind of thing. I was the self-medicating sort. I have pretty bad depression, anxiety that has fortunately died down a lot as I've gotten older/sober.
I know it can be a struggle to feel that choice between drinking to soothe or struggling with the mental effects sober. Alcohol does create its own vicious cycle as you may have noticed; it helps for a while but when it wears off the feelings you were hoping to fix get worse than "normal."
What did it for me with the mental health side was to keep trying new things until you find what work. Treatment is a very individual thing; there's no universal. I was lucky myself to stumble into DBT, which is whats been working for me now for years and is also part of my recovery.
I would not have the relatively good mental health I have if I wasn't sober. I still have a lot of bad days sometimes but I get past them quicker when I don't try to drown them out. I've got 2.5 years of sobriety now.
I've read through some of my old posts here from years back when I was struggling mentally, relapsing constantly and doubted that I'd get past it. So be strong in thinking you can do this, even if it's bumpy, things do change.
Yes. I went through pretty much the same kind of thing. I was the self-medicating sort. I have pretty bad depression, anxiety that has fortunately died down a lot as I've gotten older/sober.
I know it can be a struggle to feel that choice between drinking to soothe or struggling with the mental effects sober. Alcohol does create its own vicious cycle as you may have noticed; it helps for a while but when it wears off the feelings you were hoping to fix get worse than "normal."
What did it for me with the mental health side was to keep trying new things until you find what work. Treatment is a very individual thing; there's no universal. I was lucky myself to stumble into DBT, which is whats been working for me now for years and is also part of my recovery.
I would not have the relatively good mental health I have if I wasn't sober. I still have a lot of bad days sometimes but I get past them quicker when I don't try to drown them out. I've got 2.5 years of sobriety now.
I've read through some of my old posts here from years back when I was struggling mentally, relapsing constantly and doubted that I'd get past it. So be strong in thinking you can do this, even if it's bumpy, things do change.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
Originally Posted by waterlines
Yeah i feel as if my life is a series of catch-22s : if i drink, i can see my friends and my (now ex) boyfriend but i suffer the unbearable hangovers, if i don't i'm too anxious to do anything and feel agoraphobic etc etc. Have you been able to get a handle on your anxiety and depression since getting sober?
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