Frustrated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 43
Frustrated
As I said in my introduction that my goal for my pain mgmt is to stick to my prescribed dosage of medication, which is 4 pills a day, well actually in all honesty I would like to do 3 pills a day, I don't always need 4 pills a day. Yesterday was supposed to be my first day as a "good girl" but it just didn't turn out that way.
I was late taking my topamax which helps with the spinal headaches I get. They are severe and when they happen I just want to die. Yesterday it felt like my brain we swelling up so big that it was going to burst out of my skull and my eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. But I was a good girl and stuck to my plan and only took 1 pill at a time no matter how badly I wanted to double up on my pills. I kept them evenly spaced out and took my 4th pill at 9 pm. By the time my husband got home at 11 pm the pain was overwhelming. I struggled to keep from showing how much pain I was in, but he knows me too well and could see that I was in pain. He came into the bedroom where I was I relaxing and was rubbing my neck and we were talking and I broke down crying. For one I was frustrated because I hadn't reached my goal for the day of only taking 3 pills and two I was just hurting so bad. He pulled me into his arms and I curled up and just cried and bawled in frustration and pain. I was crushed. He assured me that in reality I did a great job because normally when I was in this kind of pain I would have doubled up on my pills and instead of only taking 4 pills I would have taken 8 to 10 pills. He told me that this change wasn't going to happen over night and that he was proud of me for trying. Also, that normally, those 4 pills would have been gone by 3 in the afternoon and they lasted me until 9 pm.
While he held me my spinal headache intensified and my crying soon turned into hyperventilating, he rubbed my neck and shoulders and talked me down. The pain was so intense I was seeing spots and exploding colors in front of my eyes and I just wanted the pain to stop. My frustration grew and I was even more frustrated when my husband pulled out a 5th pill and gave it to me to stop the pain. The last thing I wanted to do was take that pill. I resisted at first, refusing to take it, my goal for the day was to not take more than 4...and here he was handing me a 5th one...he told me it was ok, that my pain was intense and I was justified in taking another pill, that I wasn't abusing the medication, that this wasn't my 10th one of the day or anything. That again, this change was not going to happen over night.
After a while I calmed down, and the pill begin to help with the pain. I still didn't sleep until almost 5 am. I was crushed and frustrated and devastated that because of this darn headache I failed today. I tried so hard to be a good girl, I really really did. I didn't want to fail, I so badly wanted to do it right!!! Why couldn't I do it right?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 43
Today is going to be better I hope. The headache is gone and so far the pain isn't too bad. I was able to only take one pill this morning, and I am proud to say that instead of taking it as soon as I woke up like I normally do, I didn't take it until an hour after I woke up, so I was happy about that. I am trying really hard to find the little positives, the little victories in all of it instead of focusing on the bad. I know its only the second day, I am just frustrated. I feel like I have disappointed and let everyone down.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,401
Shakota,
Fellow addict, arthritis and DDD sufferer here (though not nearly to the extent of you... the DDD, I mean. The addict part, I've probably got hands down and over you). Anyway, there are days that I want to scream and pull my hair out because the pain is either so bad or it has nagged me for so long in a given day that I'm frustrated. Yet, I must admit, I can only begin to imagine what you are feeling.
That being said, I've skimmed some of your posts. Please forgive me if I've missed things by merely skimming. It sounds to me as though you may need to speak with your doctor about managing your pain better. Uncontrolled pain on its own can create a type of drug-seeking behavior. Only you know what is addictive drug-seeking and what is truthfully for pain (and I say that with some hesitation because I know that my head can blow things out of proportion when it's really my addiction seeking the drugs).
There was one thing that I read that I wanted to clarify with you. Talking to your pain management doctor about "dependence" should not trigger any red flags. Every long-term opiate patient eventually will develop a dependence and build increasing tolerance. I wish that I could encourage you to speak to your doctor about your addiction issues. But, I've been on the patient end of such admissions. My experience has been bad more times than good.
I also am sorry that your NA experience was so poor. I have a great home group. Even in my struggle to remain clean, they don't kick me out. As the literature says, "the only requirement for membership is the DESIRE to get (be) clean." Perhaps, you could try a different meeting. I would suggest, however, that you not share on what drugs you HAVE taken in a day. Instead, share about your struggles or success at being clean on a given day (which for you means that you take your meds as prescribed). I don't say that to imply that you should be ashamed of your legitimate need for pain medication. I say that because it can be very hard for those in early recovery to hear people share about drugs (illegal or not). As the literature also says, "We don't care about what or how much you've used..."
I wish you well.
Hugs,
Christin
Fellow addict, arthritis and DDD sufferer here (though not nearly to the extent of you... the DDD, I mean. The addict part, I've probably got hands down and over you). Anyway, there are days that I want to scream and pull my hair out because the pain is either so bad or it has nagged me for so long in a given day that I'm frustrated. Yet, I must admit, I can only begin to imagine what you are feeling.
That being said, I've skimmed some of your posts. Please forgive me if I've missed things by merely skimming. It sounds to me as though you may need to speak with your doctor about managing your pain better. Uncontrolled pain on its own can create a type of drug-seeking behavior. Only you know what is addictive drug-seeking and what is truthfully for pain (and I say that with some hesitation because I know that my head can blow things out of proportion when it's really my addiction seeking the drugs).
There was one thing that I read that I wanted to clarify with you. Talking to your pain management doctor about "dependence" should not trigger any red flags. Every long-term opiate patient eventually will develop a dependence and build increasing tolerance. I wish that I could encourage you to speak to your doctor about your addiction issues. But, I've been on the patient end of such admissions. My experience has been bad more times than good.
I also am sorry that your NA experience was so poor. I have a great home group. Even in my struggle to remain clean, they don't kick me out. As the literature says, "the only requirement for membership is the DESIRE to get (be) clean." Perhaps, you could try a different meeting. I would suggest, however, that you not share on what drugs you HAVE taken in a day. Instead, share about your struggles or success at being clean on a given day (which for you means that you take your meds as prescribed). I don't say that to imply that you should be ashamed of your legitimate need for pain medication. I say that because it can be very hard for those in early recovery to hear people share about drugs (illegal or not). As the literature also says, "We don't care about what or how much you've used..."
I wish you well.
Hugs,
Christin
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 4,043
Shakota, you haven't failed until you quit trying. Your husband is correct. Be easy on yourself, this is not going to happen overnight. It is a process. Give yourself a break. Your desire to do right is admirable....hang in there ((((Hugs))))
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Shakota, I'm glad you are working on getting better.
Have you considered alternative pain treatments. I know personally that chronic pain is very depressing, but maybe there are things you could do to help. Yoga helps me a lot with back and neck pain, by strengthening and relaxing the muscles. Massage therapy could help, too. I hope you find something that works for you.
Have you considered alternative pain treatments. I know personally that chronic pain is very depressing, but maybe there are things you could do to help. Yoga helps me a lot with back and neck pain, by strengthening and relaxing the muscles. Massage therapy could help, too. I hope you find something that works for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 43
Yukonm, thank you for that, I know that what you and my husband say is right, its just so hard to believe sometimes. I know frustration comes with the territory along with self doubt, guilt, shame, etc...But I know that each day I will get stronger as well. I have a lot of determination, its one of the things my husband says he loves most about me. I have always been a fighter and survivor, and I am not about to give up now.
Anna, I have thought of alternative treatments but my husband and I live on a very tight budget since I can no longer work and he is the only one who can work. So I have to stick to things that insurance covers. My doctor does have me doing simple yoga stretches which do help. He also has me getting into a pool everyday, I am not allowed to swim, just float since the water makes you "weightless" almost it takes the pressure off of my spine. I have found that to be the best treatment of all, I love it! Usually it helps for about an hour to two hours, it relaxes me, relieves the pressure, and my neck muscles relax. If I could afford massage therapy I would definitely do that but for now I just have my husband which he does pretty good
Physical therapy isn't an option for me, we tried it several times and it all it did was make the pain worse. I am not allowed to do any exercise at all, no walking or any physical activity at all. Which was hard to hear especially when I was diagnosed as "pre-diabetic" and needed to lose weight to get my blood sugar back down to normal. I am not a heavy person at all really. I am 5'9" and at the time weighed 200 pounds, I am actually very proud and happy to say I am now 150 pounds. I lost 20 pounds in the first month due to me just completely cutting out all sugar and starches. I am a huge Dr. Pepper addict and as soon as the Doctor said diabetes all soda was gone, all sugar was gone...also since I was put on topamax for my spinal headaches one of the "side effects" of the medication is weight loss, so that helped me a lot. So now the doctor says my diabetes is in "remission" which I didn't know it could go in remission, but basically it means that I am back in the normal range and don't have to worry about it right now, but I do continue to not drink soda and keep all sugar and starches out. I will do anything to keep the diabetes at bay, since I just lost my mom a year ago in June due to kidney and heart failure due to diabetes. I won't let that happen to me.
Anyways, the point of that was to say that I am limited on alternative treatments since I have to find stuff that will be covered by insurance since my family's income is limited. I'm not going to let that stop me or use it as an excuse or anything, I just have to find ways around it.
Anna, I have thought of alternative treatments but my husband and I live on a very tight budget since I can no longer work and he is the only one who can work. So I have to stick to things that insurance covers. My doctor does have me doing simple yoga stretches which do help. He also has me getting into a pool everyday, I am not allowed to swim, just float since the water makes you "weightless" almost it takes the pressure off of my spine. I have found that to be the best treatment of all, I love it! Usually it helps for about an hour to two hours, it relaxes me, relieves the pressure, and my neck muscles relax. If I could afford massage therapy I would definitely do that but for now I just have my husband which he does pretty good
Physical therapy isn't an option for me, we tried it several times and it all it did was make the pain worse. I am not allowed to do any exercise at all, no walking or any physical activity at all. Which was hard to hear especially when I was diagnosed as "pre-diabetic" and needed to lose weight to get my blood sugar back down to normal. I am not a heavy person at all really. I am 5'9" and at the time weighed 200 pounds, I am actually very proud and happy to say I am now 150 pounds. I lost 20 pounds in the first month due to me just completely cutting out all sugar and starches. I am a huge Dr. Pepper addict and as soon as the Doctor said diabetes all soda was gone, all sugar was gone...also since I was put on topamax for my spinal headaches one of the "side effects" of the medication is weight loss, so that helped me a lot. So now the doctor says my diabetes is in "remission" which I didn't know it could go in remission, but basically it means that I am back in the normal range and don't have to worry about it right now, but I do continue to not drink soda and keep all sugar and starches out. I will do anything to keep the diabetes at bay, since I just lost my mom a year ago in June due to kidney and heart failure due to diabetes. I won't let that happen to me.
Anyways, the point of that was to say that I am limited on alternative treatments since I have to find stuff that will be covered by insurance since my family's income is limited. I'm not going to let that stop me or use it as an excuse or anything, I just have to find ways around it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Hi Shakota,
I am sorry to hear of your pain. I do understand your situation completely. Please take this one day at a time. It is not okay for you to be in severe pain. This is a process that will take time and patience. You are doing the best that you can.
I am sorry to hear of your pain. I do understand your situation completely. Please take this one day at a time. It is not okay for you to be in severe pain. This is a process that will take time and patience. You are doing the best that you can.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 43
Thank you Mizzuno, I am doing my very best to do just that. I honestly didn't know that I would cry and whine this much though...I am usually not this way, so whiny and needy, but luckily for me, I have an amazing husband who is more than happy to hold me tight and let me cry. He also has a very stern voice is not afraid to use it and tell me to settle down and not give up. When I throw my hands up in the air ready to surrender and admit defeat he reminds me that I am strong enough to do this but if I am not he will lend me his strength.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Shakota,
With medications our bodies become adjusted to the doses that we take. So, by cutting down on the dose, you are going to be in discomfort/pain from this. I do not think the discomfort should be to the point of tears. This is not the goal. It is okay to be whiney or what ever you think you are being. You are hurt. Please be gentle with you. I know that you can reach your goal. Have you thought of keeping a journal with your days and meds? It would be a visual to show your growth.
With medications our bodies become adjusted to the doses that we take. So, by cutting down on the dose, you are going to be in discomfort/pain from this. I do not think the discomfort should be to the point of tears. This is not the goal. It is okay to be whiney or what ever you think you are being. You are hurt. Please be gentle with you. I know that you can reach your goal. Have you thought of keeping a journal with your days and meds? It would be a visual to show your growth.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 43
Mizzuno, thank you. I know that because of my over use that my body adjusted to the higher dosage so it doesn't respond as well to the lower dosage so it seems like its not working as well. That is my fault, I did it to myself and now I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. Part of my crying is just in frustration because I am having a hard time reaching my goal because I always have it in my head that I should be able to do everything over night, I have been like that since I was a child. When I started playing piano when I was 10 I thought I should be able to just sit down right away and play beautiful music...I didn't understand that I had to practice. I thought that just my deep and strong desire to play beautiful music was enough to make it happen...so again here I am thinking that because I have such strong determination and desire to bring my self down to my prescribe dosage of 4 pills a day instead of 10, that it should be done over night. Of course I do know better than this but still a small part of my brain still thinks it. Even so, I know that I should be proud of myself that I am only taking 5 or 6 pills, and that is because my husband is giving me extra due to my spinal headache...maybe I am just having a hard time accepting the praise because I still feel like I don't deserve it...I was bad, I did something horrible and wrong for months I over used my medication....I allowed myself to get addicted to my pain medication so why should I be praised, why do I deserve that? I have nothing to be proud of, I don't deserve it....
As far as the journal goes, yes I am doing that, I posted earlier that writing is a great outlet for me, so I have a notebook that I write in and I also write a lot of inspirational quotes in it as well that I find online. I am not a religious person but I do find comfort in a lot of the quotes of hope and inspiration that I find. That way when I do feel down, frustrated, scared, upset, angry, etc, I can open my notebook and read what I have been feeling but also see these quotes and regain some of my confidence and strength. There is another website that is for pain mgmt and people in recovery, it has an online journal so I do a lot of writing there as well and it also allows people to read it and they can comment on your journal entries. I find it to be helpful, its not as helpful as this place but it works a little too.
As far as the journal goes, yes I am doing that, I posted earlier that writing is a great outlet for me, so I have a notebook that I write in and I also write a lot of inspirational quotes in it as well that I find online. I am not a religious person but I do find comfort in a lot of the quotes of hope and inspiration that I find. That way when I do feel down, frustrated, scared, upset, angry, etc, I can open my notebook and read what I have been feeling but also see these quotes and regain some of my confidence and strength. There is another website that is for pain mgmt and people in recovery, it has an online journal so I do a lot of writing there as well and it also allows people to read it and they can comment on your journal entries. I find it to be helpful, its not as helpful as this place but it works a little too.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Woodstock,New York
Posts: 140
Shakota ,it not easy when chronic pain is involved as someone said,trying to rough it out can cause drug seeking behavior,I think u did the right thing,you were honest and unfortunately the pain took over,you stuck to the plan,even if you had to take a fifth pill,no one should have to suffer like that,all I can say is we are all here for you and you need to consult with your doctor about managing your pain situation..all the best to you and like I said we r all here for you...
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