I'm afraid to tell my friends I'm in recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Middle Earth
Posts: 41
I'm afraid to tell my friends I'm in recovery.
I'm a college student, so drinking culture is extremely prevalent in my day-to-day life. At first my drinking was manageable, but in the last year it's really spiraled out of control (getting black-out drunk every night, often on my own), so I've decided to get sober. I'm only on day 3 but it's going quite well.
The problem is, I'm afraid to tell anyone. I haven't told my family because I'm worried that they'll judge me if I admit that I'm an alcoholic. I haven't told my friends because I'm worried that I'll lose them. The persona I've created in college through my constant drinking was of a care-free party animal, and that's not really me. Perhaps that's why I drank in the first place. Considering that the majority of our interaction is based around drinking and weed, I'm worried that they'll consider me boring or "changed" if I stop, even though they'll be seeing the real me. There's one friend I've told, but he's the best friend I've ever had, and he supports me 100%.
Considering that drinking and drugs is so intrinsically hard-wired into the college student culture, what would be the best way to tell my friends? How should I respond if they pressure me to cave? I can just hear them now: "What? You're not an alcoholic, you're just a college student!"
Also, among my college friends is a girl that I'm head-over-heels in love with. She's the female equivalent of me in many ways, including her fondness for substance abuse (although not to the same extent as me). I have reason to believe that she likes me. Should I pursue this? Or will it just end in relapse? If I have to choose between her and getting my life in order, as painful as it will be, I'll cut her out of my life.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
The problem is, I'm afraid to tell anyone. I haven't told my family because I'm worried that they'll judge me if I admit that I'm an alcoholic. I haven't told my friends because I'm worried that I'll lose them. The persona I've created in college through my constant drinking was of a care-free party animal, and that's not really me. Perhaps that's why I drank in the first place. Considering that the majority of our interaction is based around drinking and weed, I'm worried that they'll consider me boring or "changed" if I stop, even though they'll be seeing the real me. There's one friend I've told, but he's the best friend I've ever had, and he supports me 100%.
Considering that drinking and drugs is so intrinsically hard-wired into the college student culture, what would be the best way to tell my friends? How should I respond if they pressure me to cave? I can just hear them now: "What? You're not an alcoholic, you're just a college student!"
Also, among my college friends is a girl that I'm head-over-heels in love with. She's the female equivalent of me in many ways, including her fondness for substance abuse (although not to the same extent as me). I have reason to believe that she likes me. Should I pursue this? Or will it just end in relapse? If I have to choose between her and getting my life in order, as painful as it will be, I'll cut her out of my life.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
If they don't react the same way your best friend did then you have to ask yourself are they true friends or just drinking buddies?
When I quit the first time, nine years ago, I drank in a more social setting. I went to bars and had "friends" there. I knew everyone by name. I saw them everyday. This was one of the reasons I thought I had such a hard time. I missed that social interaction. But as I think back now not one of those people in the five months I was sober called me or stopped over. Not one.
We were just bar flies like and we were drinking buddies. That was all they were. As time went on I stopped going to bars. I drank at home. It was cheaper and I could just pass out whenever and wherever I wanted to.
I think some people in our lives we just have to let go of. It is your life, you only get one and if you are coming to this stage now then it is a good thing. Many of us do not until much later in life.
As for the girl, I would leave it lay right now. I would put my effort towards staying sober.
You really do not have to blurt it out to the world. You told one close friend and that may be all you need to do right now. You can say you are on medication, you want to get healthy, you are not in the mood to drink. Whatever you feel comfortable with. I did find though that one I was sober that hanging around a bunch of rowdy drunks was not appealing as it once was and not because I felt left out but because I had changed and for the better.
When I quit the first time, nine years ago, I drank in a more social setting. I went to bars and had "friends" there. I knew everyone by name. I saw them everyday. This was one of the reasons I thought I had such a hard time. I missed that social interaction. But as I think back now not one of those people in the five months I was sober called me or stopped over. Not one.
We were just bar flies like and we were drinking buddies. That was all they were. As time went on I stopped going to bars. I drank at home. It was cheaper and I could just pass out whenever and wherever I wanted to.
I think some people in our lives we just have to let go of. It is your life, you only get one and if you are coming to this stage now then it is a good thing. Many of us do not until much later in life.
As for the girl, I would leave it lay right now. I would put my effort towards staying sober.
You really do not have to blurt it out to the world. You told one close friend and that may be all you need to do right now. You can say you are on medication, you want to get healthy, you are not in the mood to drink. Whatever you feel comfortable with. I did find though that one I was sober that hanging around a bunch of rowdy drunks was not appealing as it once was and not because I felt left out but because I had changed and for the better.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Bombadil - welcome
I don't think it's necessary to tell everyone - having said that tho I do think it is necessary to change your life if it revolves around drinking and drinkers.
When faced with your conundrum as a young guy, I simply ignored what I knew I should do. and had 20 years more debris, 20 years more loss, and 20 years more regrets to clean up.
Think about the you you want to be and the life you want - really want - not just the life of least resistance - and go for it
D
I don't think it's necessary to tell everyone - having said that tho I do think it is necessary to change your life if it revolves around drinking and drinkers.
When faced with your conundrum as a young guy, I simply ignored what I knew I should do. and had 20 years more debris, 20 years more loss, and 20 years more regrets to clean up.
Think about the you you want to be and the life you want - really want - not just the life of least resistance - and go for it
D
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
You don't need to tell people. IMO it does leave you open to arguing over the label rather than the issue, especially at you and your peers' ages.
I'd tell who I was comfortable telling, but would probably tell everyone else that I don't feel like partying, I'm not in the mood, I'm trying to get healthier, etc. That's just me.
I'd tell who I was comfortable telling, but would probably tell everyone else that I don't feel like partying, I'm not in the mood, I'm trying to get healthier, etc. That's just me.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
I dont have any advice, but I admire your courage to change what was happening. I am many years older and I can only wonder as to how life would have been different if I had addressed my problem earlier.
I am two years sober and some friends still think I am on a health kick.
I am two years sober and some friends still think I am on a health kick.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
I've been right where you are. My alcoholism really started in college and by the time I ended grad school I was waking up at 3:00 a.m. with panic attacks. I struggled off and on with this for forty years.
Nothing, nothing is worth going through all that just to be a "good guy" "one of the group" in college, or even just to be close to the woman you love if she has the makings of a substance abuser. It's what the literary folks call a "Faustian Bargain" and you can bet your hide that the day comes when slavery begins, chemical slavery where you need to keep it up just to feel normal. This is a mortgage which can be paid for only in hell- I'm not talking religiously, I'm referring to hell here on earth.
Quit. Do what it takes. Otherwise be prepared for a struggle that you may or may not ever win. Many colleges have AA groups. If AA doesn't appeal to you then try something else. I found it a big help to be with others who had problems similar to mine and who were trying to do something about it. But I didn't find this when I was young like you are. These days finding good friends in recovery is a lot easier. Go for it and good luck.
W.
Nothing, nothing is worth going through all that just to be a "good guy" "one of the group" in college, or even just to be close to the woman you love if she has the makings of a substance abuser. It's what the literary folks call a "Faustian Bargain" and you can bet your hide that the day comes when slavery begins, chemical slavery where you need to keep it up just to feel normal. This is a mortgage which can be paid for only in hell- I'm not talking religiously, I'm referring to hell here on earth.
Quit. Do what it takes. Otherwise be prepared for a struggle that you may or may not ever win. Many colleges have AA groups. If AA doesn't appeal to you then try something else. I found it a big help to be with others who had problems similar to mine and who were trying to do something about it. But I didn't find this when I was young like you are. These days finding good friends in recovery is a lot easier. Go for it and good luck.
W.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
Unfortunately there is a great number of people in society who think someone who can't handle alcohol does so because of willpower issues. Though studies indicate otherwise. I didn't tell everyone and in some cases it was easier just to say "I'm on a diet" or "it's not agreeing with me." The social stigma of being an alcoholic/problem drinker or whatever label you choose can have repercussions both on a personal level and professionally. What's most important is that you decide to be true to yourself and take whatever steps necessary to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Hi. welcome and it's good to see a moment of clarity in someone that's active. I'd suggest absorbing the answers you receive, defiantly read your post several times ask "how important is it" in the whole scheme in your life because after school you'll probably see but few of who you worry about that you seem to think are important to you. The bib secret to sobriety is we just don't drink. BE WELL
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Harness the strength you have deep inside. Getting sober will be the best gift you could ever give yourself. I admire your courage. And I don't think you need to say anything except maybe that you are getting healthy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Can I make you see it another way please?
If you carry on, there maybe many consequences.
How judged might you feel if you lost your driving license?
How judged would you be if you were thrown out of college?
How judged would you be if you ended up with liver disease from drinking?
I have never made any bold, loud brash statements about my not drinking.
I have never made any promises to anyone else but myself.
I have always seen it as my personal battle that I will fight as I see fit.
No-one pressures me into drinking.
If they don't like that I drink, then thats tough.
I think you have to keep things in perspective.
I wish you the best
If you carry on, there maybe many consequences.
How judged might you feel if you lost your driving license?
How judged would you be if you were thrown out of college?
How judged would you be if you ended up with liver disease from drinking?
I have never made any bold, loud brash statements about my not drinking.
I have never made any promises to anyone else but myself.
I have always seen it as my personal battle that I will fight as I see fit.
No-one pressures me into drinking.
If they don't like that I drink, then thats tough.
I think you have to keep things in perspective.
I wish you the best
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
I know people seem to think being in college is about drinking and partying with your friends. I certainly did that quite a bit. I have lots of fond memories of vomiting outside party houses, hooking up with random guys I didn't like, and showing up to class hungover or, in fact, still drunk (or already drunk/stoned as the case may be). Some people will tell you that this is the "best time of your life" and that partying is something you really shouldn't miss out on.
I wonder what college would have been like sober. I wonder what it would have been like had I not had that burden of drinking/drugging and really let my intellectual curiosity carry me through. I did well in my classes and I enjoyed school, but I wonder if I were more with it, could I have done something really great? Could I have found a true passion?
I discovered a passion for drinking and smoking in college. It was with me after college and all through my 20's. I never really got into having a career because my passion was drinking and I was already "succeeding" at that.
Give yourself a chance to figure out who you really are and what you want to do with your life. There are LOTS of sober people at school, not everybody gets loaded all the time. Best to you.
I wonder what college would have been like sober. I wonder what it would have been like had I not had that burden of drinking/drugging and really let my intellectual curiosity carry me through. I did well in my classes and I enjoyed school, but I wonder if I were more with it, could I have done something really great? Could I have found a true passion?
I discovered a passion for drinking and smoking in college. It was with me after college and all through my 20's. I never really got into having a career because my passion was drinking and I was already "succeeding" at that.
Give yourself a chance to figure out who you really are and what you want to do with your life. There are LOTS of sober people at school, not everybody gets loaded all the time. Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 10
Hi Bombadil,
Well done on reaching that realization and having gone 3 days sober, this is really good.
I'm on day 10 and the one thing I have found amazing is how much natural fun I can actually have without a drink (and feel awesome going to bed and getting up in the morning... fresh!)! The hardest part is to turn down that first drink on arrival, then I find it quite easy to continue of soft drinks and have a great time anyway. The only annoying thing though, is when other people around you are getting quite drunk and stop making sense, and for once you can actually see that from your sober point of view! Then the party may lose a bit of interest but you have the choice to mix with people who are not completely drunk at that point (not necessarily sober) and can have a fair conversation and a dance with you!
About giving explanations, so far I've used the 'getting healthier' reason, which is totally true actually and it's funny how people will then agree with you and share their own concerns and new resolutions :-)
Re the girl, If she genuinely likes you, I bet she'll appreciate spending quality time with you in other ways than partying like mad, for example go to a concert, for a town/forest walk, etc and have a great chat, with no drink involved. THAT is building a relationship, not getting smashed together over and over again. Don't you think?
Keep us posted!
Well done on reaching that realization and having gone 3 days sober, this is really good.
I'm on day 10 and the one thing I have found amazing is how much natural fun I can actually have without a drink (and feel awesome going to bed and getting up in the morning... fresh!)! The hardest part is to turn down that first drink on arrival, then I find it quite easy to continue of soft drinks and have a great time anyway. The only annoying thing though, is when other people around you are getting quite drunk and stop making sense, and for once you can actually see that from your sober point of view! Then the party may lose a bit of interest but you have the choice to mix with people who are not completely drunk at that point (not necessarily sober) and can have a fair conversation and a dance with you!
About giving explanations, so far I've used the 'getting healthier' reason, which is totally true actually and it's funny how people will then agree with you and share their own concerns and new resolutions :-)
Re the girl, If she genuinely likes you, I bet she'll appreciate spending quality time with you in other ways than partying like mad, for example go to a concert, for a town/forest walk, etc and have a great chat, with no drink involved. THAT is building a relationship, not getting smashed together over and over again. Don't you think?
Keep us posted!
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Originally Posted by Bombadil 
The persona I've created in college through my constant drinking was of a care-free party animal, and that's not really me. Perhaps that's why I drank in the first place.
The truth is that there is a very narrow, but fuzzy, line between being the cool young person at the bar and the creepy old guy who sits alone at the end, muttering to himself. I've been both.
I am 46 now, but I knew I had a problem with drinking since my early 20s. I was so afraid to quit and forever lose all those drinking opportunities, to lose my drinking buddies, and to lose my identity. The truth is my drinking never improved. People grew up and moved on. Eventually, I was left alone and miserable. Eventually, alcohol brought about the very conditions I was afraid would happen if I told my friends.
If I could go back in time, I would do what is right for me and simply tell my friends in a straightforward manner. I would follow that up with a strong statement that you are going to be surrounding yourself with people who support you and what you need to do. Let the chips fall where they may after that - friends are made and lost all the time, but you will be with yourself for the rest of your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Middle Earth
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Now1000
Re the girl, If she genuinely likes you, I bet she'll appreciate spending quality time with you in other ways than partying like mad, for example go to a concert, for a town/forest walk, etc and have a great chat, with no drink involved. THAT is building a relationship, not getting smashed together over and over again. Don't you think?
Keep us posted!
Keep us posted!
To everyone who commented on this thread, I really appreciate all the advice and support. It's nice to know that there's a place to discuss a sensitive subject like this with relative anonymity. Thank you all!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
When I think about how much a university education costs these days, how students often graduate deeply in debt, obligations which cannot be cancelled by bankruptcy and which linger on for years, when I think about all the sacrifices that parents make in order that their kids can get an "education", I become angry and depressed that a significant part of college is spent in "partying". It was so in my day. It seems even more so today. In my day there were hardly any hard drugs. Now there is not only booze but other stuff, some of it horribly addictive. It's as it society were to say that the only way to "get ahead" was to go to this horribly expensive place, have you and/or your parents go deeply into debt and then focus on "having a good time", "fitting in", "partying", all at the risk of health, happiness and the future.
All this makes me say to you that you're going to be much happier being yourself, not obsessing about "popularity", "fitting in", etc. This doesn't mean being an odd ball, as they used to call it. It just means standing up for yourself and not letting others take advantage of you by dragging you down to their level. Then people will like you for what you are, not what they can get out of you, make you do, or because they can laugh at you. Such folks are not really your friends. They may encourage you to drink heavily and then laugh at you behind your back.
W.
All this makes me say to you that you're going to be much happier being yourself, not obsessing about "popularity", "fitting in", etc. This doesn't mean being an odd ball, as they used to call it. It just means standing up for yourself and not letting others take advantage of you by dragging you down to their level. Then people will like you for what you are, not what they can get out of you, make you do, or because they can laugh at you. Such folks are not really your friends. They may encourage you to drink heavily and then laugh at you behind your back.
W.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Bombadil
I'm a college student, so drinking culture is extremely prevalent in my day-to-day life. At first my drinking was manageable, but in the last year it's really spiraled out of control (getting black-out drunk every night, often on my own), so I've decided to get sober. I'm only on day 3 but it's going quite well.
The problem is, I'm afraid to tell anyone. I haven't told my family because I'm worried that they'll judge me if I admit that I'm an alcoholic. I haven't told my friends because I'm worried that I'll lose them. The persona I've created in college through my constant drinking was of a care-free party animal, and that's not really me. Perhaps that's why I drank in the first place. Considering that the majority of our interaction is based around drinking and weed, I'm worried that they'll consider me boring or "changed" if I stop, even though they'll be seeing the real me. There's one friend I've told, but he's the best friend I've ever had, and he supports me 100%.
Considering that drinking and drugs is so intrinsically hard-wired into the college student culture, what would be the best way to tell my friends? How should I respond if they pressure me to cave? I can just hear them now: "What? You're not an alcoholic, you're just a college student!"
Also, among my college friends is a girl that I'm head-over-heels in love with. She's the female equivalent of me in many ways, including her fondness for substance abuse (although not to the same extent as me). I have reason to believe that she likes me. Should I pursue this? Or will it just end in relapse? If I have to choose between her and getting my life in order, as painful as it will be, I'll cut her out of my life.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
The problem is, I'm afraid to tell anyone. I haven't told my family because I'm worried that they'll judge me if I admit that I'm an alcoholic. I haven't told my friends because I'm worried that I'll lose them. The persona I've created in college through my constant drinking was of a care-free party animal, and that's not really me. Perhaps that's why I drank in the first place. Considering that the majority of our interaction is based around drinking and weed, I'm worried that they'll consider me boring or "changed" if I stop, even though they'll be seeing the real me. There's one friend I've told, but he's the best friend I've ever had, and he supports me 100%.
Considering that drinking and drugs is so intrinsically hard-wired into the college student culture, what would be the best way to tell my friends? How should I respond if they pressure me to cave? I can just hear them now: "What? You're not an alcoholic, you're just a college student!"
Also, among my college friends is a girl that I'm head-over-heels in love with. She's the female equivalent of me in many ways, including her fondness for substance abuse (although not to the same extent as me). I have reason to believe that she likes me. Should I pursue this? Or will it just end in relapse? If I have to choose between her and getting my life in order, as painful as it will be, I'll cut her out of my life.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Sasha4
Can I make you see it another way please?
If you carry on, there maybe many consequences.
How judged might you feel if you lost your driving license?
How judged would you be if you were thrown out of college?
How judged would you be if you ended up with liver disease from drinking?
I have never made any bold, loud brash statements about my not drinking.
I have never made any promises to anyone else but myself.
I have always seen it as my personal battle that I will fight as I see fit.
No-one pressures me into drinking.
If they don't like that I drink, then thats tough.
I think you have to keep things in perspective.
I wish you the best
If you carry on, there maybe many consequences.
How judged might you feel if you lost your driving license?
How judged would you be if you were thrown out of college?
How judged would you be if you ended up with liver disease from drinking?
I have never made any bold, loud brash statements about my not drinking.
I have never made any promises to anyone else but myself.
I have always seen it as my personal battle that I will fight as I see fit.
No-one pressures me into drinking.
If they don't like that I drink, then thats tough.
I think you have to keep things in perspective.
I wish you the best
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I agree with you too.
I could not have coped if people came up to me at functions checking if I was 'okay' while everyone was drinking. This has happened recently to me and thank goodness it just made me smile.
I would hate well meaning people emailing me articles on drink problems from the newspaper or medical journals.
I would hate people not feeling like they can drink in my home or bring a bottle when they come to eat.
And I know that my mum would be forever saying 'do you remember Diana from when you were little. Lived in a big posh house with an ornaments in the garden. She's like you too!!!'
Can you imagine?!!!
xx
I could not have coped if people came up to me at functions checking if I was 'okay' while everyone was drinking. This has happened recently to me and thank goodness it just made me smile.
I would hate well meaning people emailing me articles on drink problems from the newspaper or medical journals.
I would hate people not feeling like they can drink in my home or bring a bottle when they come to eat.
And I know that my mum would be forever saying 'do you remember Diana from when you were little. Lived in a big posh house with an ornaments in the garden. She's like you too!!!'
Can you imagine?!!!
xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Sylvan Lake AB
Posts: 18
After I got out of rehab, I found out who my real friends were and who my drinking buddies were. My real friends came over to visit without beer, and my drinking buddies vanished!! Pretty easy to figure it out then. Makes it easy, lol.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
This was always a conundrum for me too Bombadil
If I tell my friends will they judge me. Probably. The ones who have a problem will most likely not appreciate the subject being brought up. They will probably not like me all that much for making them even think about it. They will probably try to convince me I'm not that bad so that nothing changes. The ones who don't drink and drug already knew I had a problem so they will probably try to be supportive as best they can.
Am I too scared to tell my friends? Probably. If I say it out loud, I've blown my cover. What if I can't do it? What if I change my mind? Again. Only those who don't want the dance to change will probably have a strong opinion on why I don't need to do this. The ones who've been praying that I change my dance will try to support me the best they can. But I'm still left with me being scared to say it out loud.
So there it was for me. Pretty much questions I didn't have answers to right away. I figured that until I answered my own question about how I wanted to live my life. Being a drinker or drug taker or one who doesn't, I was better off focusing on that at first. Until then, I just stopped and when asked if I wanted a drink I said no thank you. Period.
It was good practice just saying no. Pretty soon people quit asking. Amazing how other addicts move on so quickly so they can keep doing what they do.
If I had only known other drinkers and addicts, I wouldn't have had to think about this. Hell yes they ain't going to like it. It would be like me being at a republican convention and then announcing I'm changing to a democrat but I'm still going to hang out at your party all the time. What would I expect all the conversations to be all about??
I gravitated to the people who were living the life I dreamed about living and then just acted accordingly. I kept my words close till I knew what I wanted and would do anything to get it.
Good for you Bombadil for thinking about the life you want to live at such a young age!
If I tell my friends will they judge me. Probably. The ones who have a problem will most likely not appreciate the subject being brought up. They will probably not like me all that much for making them even think about it. They will probably try to convince me I'm not that bad so that nothing changes. The ones who don't drink and drug already knew I had a problem so they will probably try to be supportive as best they can.
Am I too scared to tell my friends? Probably. If I say it out loud, I've blown my cover. What if I can't do it? What if I change my mind? Again. Only those who don't want the dance to change will probably have a strong opinion on why I don't need to do this. The ones who've been praying that I change my dance will try to support me the best they can. But I'm still left with me being scared to say it out loud.
So there it was for me. Pretty much questions I didn't have answers to right away. I figured that until I answered my own question about how I wanted to live my life. Being a drinker or drug taker or one who doesn't, I was better off focusing on that at first. Until then, I just stopped and when asked if I wanted a drink I said no thank you. Period.
It was good practice just saying no. Pretty soon people quit asking. Amazing how other addicts move on so quickly so they can keep doing what they do.
If I had only known other drinkers and addicts, I wouldn't have had to think about this. Hell yes they ain't going to like it. It would be like me being at a republican convention and then announcing I'm changing to a democrat but I'm still going to hang out at your party all the time. What would I expect all the conversations to be all about??
I gravitated to the people who were living the life I dreamed about living and then just acted accordingly. I kept my words close till I knew what I wanted and would do anything to get it.
Good for you Bombadil for thinking about the life you want to live at such a young age!
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