jstar

That's it. I don't think I can get it. I've been down this road a hundred times and each time I feel further away each time I try again. I feel like everyone else has some magic thing that happens to them and they get it. For me, maybe I'm just too stubborn, too headstrong, too...I dunno...too everything. The littlest of things sends me over the edge...maybe not enough will power? Maybe not trying hard enough? People keep telling me at meetings "maybe you aren't done".."maybe you need to lose more"..."maybe you just think you know everything and it's getting in your way". I feel like even here you are all probably sick of my woah is me cry. I'm afraid to even post in a virtual world...I feel utterly hopeless. I don't mean to keep being this way. I just can't seem to keep it together.

Hevyn

Do you know how many times I didn't get it? Must've been 50 or more over the years. Yet here I sit, sober 5-1/2 yrs. If you were truly hopeless you wouldn't be posting. I'm not sick of you - I was just like you. Never give up jstar. The life you want is still possible.

Impurrfect

I agree with Hevyn. I didn't get it for decades...abused one thing, quit it, went to something else, quit it, went to something else.

Over 6 years later, in recovery, I finally got it. MANY of us have been in the same place. You're posting here, so I think some part of you wants to find recovery, and that's a start!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Ptcapote

Hey JStar, I totally think you have the right stuff and you WILL get it. I have seen some of your posts here to people who are lost and questioning and you give very good advice and much needed empathy. You wouldn't be able to give that if it weren't inside of you. And that's what will get you sober. I am not sick of you at all; I am glad you are here.

AA says the only requirement is "the desire to stop drinking." It doesn't give time limits or time outs. What it takes is what it takes. You're here, you're posting. You'll get there too, don't doubt it.

Keep the faith...and please keep posting!

((Hugs))

Nattythreads

Yep Im the same as the other two although much earlier on the clean path. I am a hopeless addict. I've tried every method known to humankind on multiple occasions with varying degrees of success but ultimately failure.

This time I've racked up over six months and the only difference is that I vehemently, totally and absolutely refuse to drink or use. With every fiber of my being. This time I am resolutely committed and if I am honest with myself, that is what has been missing in every one of my multiple attempts. I was always looking for an excuse, an easy way out, however flimsy.

It can be done. It's bloody hard work but it can be done.

Dee74

I used to think it must be magic too jstar but it's not..it's just hard work.

Drinking became my go to reaction for just about *everything* by the end.

I needed more options for help, more coping strategies, I need to make changes in my life and find more support....

I needed more doors than the one I always chose that said simply to drink.

maybe you do too?

D

jstar

Thanks everyone. I just feel like I've tried all the doors like dee said. I go to a meeting almost every day. ..sometimes 2. I pray, I love God....I got a sponsor. ..I do my homework. ..I I I I...I just threw a bottle of xanax way up to the top of my closet in the hopes that I don't try to find it later. All in me wants to actually be done. ..and I see that in me. ..but there is something else that takes hold here that I can't explain...I tried to get some sober people to come over and hang out earlier but it's Sunday and everyone is busy or relaxing. I have a house full with husband and kids but I feel as though I'm in an alternate universe.

Dee74

The really bitter pill I had to swallow early on was, no matter how much work I felt I was doing, it wasn't enough because I kept drinking.

sometimes maybe we're kicking up a lot of dust but not actually making much of a hole, other times we might find we're working in the wrong place.

what does your sponsor say?

Have you talked to someone professionally about your feelings of isolation and depression jstar?

D

silentrun

The addiction is lying to you Jstar. It's telling you that you can't do it. You can. That magic moment you are talking about. Is what happens is that you see through the lies. You stop hearing "I'm too this or I can't do this". In that moment you see the truth is that it doesn't have to be like this. Keep reaching out until it happens for you.

jstar

Thanks dee and yes I see a therapist every Tuesday. I just met with my new sponsor today for the first time. You are right. I'm kicking up all the dust. .

jstar

You are right! It is lying! I just don't want to be like I am. So prideful. I wish I could turn it off. How the hell do I turn it off?

LadyinBC

Very poetic silentrun! I really like that.

It took me awhile to get it too Jstar. It will come.

Edited to add: you are trying that is what is important. Just don't give up the fight yet.

DisplacedGRITS

Hey Jstar! You're only done when you quit trying. I know it's taken me a lot of slips. For a while, i kept getting one month then throwing it away. One time, i wrecked my car. Then i wrecked my new car. This last time, i lost my job. I actually called my sponsor while i was waiting in a room to get canned. She told me what you've been told. Perhaps i wasn't done. Maybe i needed to fall a bit farther. So i thought about that. How far was far enough? Hot deep did my hole need to be. You see, i could keep digging my hole for as long as i kept the shovel. It was totally up to me to decide that enough was enough. I mean, when they go through the list of things we try to keep drinking (switching from whiskey to gin, taking a trip, not taking a trip, committing oneself to an institution...) i went back and checked off nearly the whole dang list. I could even add more to the list! I could keep going. I could lose more but i've lost the willingness it takes to do that. I took my willingness to keep falling and have applied it to not drinking. I am willing now to reach out for help. I'm willing to be a bit uncomfortable. I'm willing to be honest. For me, it's willingness, not willpower, that's keeping me sober. All the willpower in the world can't save me but willingness can and is.

Grungehead

Hi jstar,

Alcoholism is like that...it seems like the harder I try the harder it becomes. Finally I had to just give up...alcohol beat me and it always would. I didn't like admitting that but history had proven it to be true. I had failed at keeping myself sober despite my best efforts. I had certainly reached the point where I didn't want to drink anymore but I found that I couldn't not drink. I was screwed, and when I admitted that, I had actually completed step one. From there I only need to be honest, open-minded, and willing (HOW) to work the rest of the steps. If you look at steps 2-12 all you need to do them is honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness (and a good sponsor to guide you through them). Give your new sponsor a shot. I would suggest starting out by telling her exactly what you told us here.

EndGameNYC

Reminds me of something I heard at an AA meeting: "Addiction has a perfect record; it never loses. And the only tie is Keith Richards."

hypochondriac

No magic here. I think sometimes it can come across as misleading, I know a lot of people in AA who said that when they went there the desire to drink was lifted. I am sure that doesn't mean it was magical or easy. My desire to drink still isn't lifted but I am still sober. It isn't through gritted teeth most of the time, sometimes it is though. I found just stopping drinking the hardest thing I had ever done and I didn't want to have to do it again. But I had to look into various methods because some didn't sit right with me. There is no reason why you can't look around a bit to see if something resonates with you. Going to SMART meetings is totally compatible with AA and there are a lot of good tools there. AVRT is less compatible but still worth looking into if you feel like something isn't clicking with you. Insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Try something different x

fantail

You don't sound prideful to me, J... in fact you sound the opposite. Really, really down on yourself. Both in this post and in the OP.

There was an article in the Wall Street Journal recently called Why She Drinks. Overall it was pretty down on AA, so I'm not going to link it, because I didn't agree with it. But it did talk about how AA being founded by and for men has an impact on women... particularly when it comes to pride and the ego. The idea being that while men often need to weaken their ego, women need to build their ego up.

I don't say this to be incendiary at all! Like I said, I don't agree with the article about AA. It just came to mind while reading your post. I find it really surprising that you would chastise yourself for being prideful while at the same time saying that you value your own voice so little that you feel like you shouldn't even post your struggles online.

Lionhearted1

just want to say I know exactly how you feel.. today is day 2 for me and at this point it seems that Iam the only person on this website who can not stop drinking and everyone else must of stumbled on to some magic technique or something... but maybe just maybe that is my addiction talking!!

GreenEggsAndHam

I feel the same way. It seems like every time I hit 2-3 weeks sober, I "forget" that drinking for me equals 10 a day and feeling crummy and start drinking again. What's troublesome is that I *feel* like I get it when I'm sober...then one day just end up saying, eh, it's just beer and drink again.

GracieLou

For me, the first thing I had to admit was I was powerless and not just over alcohol. I did not have power over anything. I know that sounds like a big deal but it really is not once I came to understand it.

You said the littlest things send you over the edge. If you stop and think is it because you tried to control the outcome of something or had some plan in your mind that did not play as you expected it to?

I did not realize how much I did this until I stopped doing it.

When I tried to get sober before I was trying to control my recovery and my sobriety. I had an image in my mind of the way things were supposed to be and when they were not that way I felt angry and frustrated. I also had a piece of pride that would not let me accept help. I did not want to hear that the image I had was not the way it works. I did not want to hear that there was somethings I did not know. I thought I could take all this knowledge and fix myself.

I thought just having the knowledge would work. I mean you would think it should, right? I mean here I am admitting I am an alcoholic. I have read a gazillion things online. I go on a recovery message board. I have the books. I go to meetings. I have a sponsor. All these things should work and they did not. Why?

It came down to that I had to stop trying to control the outcome. I had to let go. I had to stop fighting with it. I had to surrender.

I think for some that idea makes them feel they are going to lose something. They won't have a say. They may lose apart of themselves along the way. It made me feel vulnerable.

What I found though after I got over that initial feeling was peace and freedom. I admit I do not know everything. I take suggestions. When I mess up I don't feel angry or resentful. I am grateful that someone took the time to teach me.

There are days I feel cheated but I am the one creating that feeling because I tried to control something. I have to remember to get out of the way. Let life live. It is going to happen and there is nothing I can do to control it, manipulate it, direct it or change it.

Once I came to that point. The rest of the pieces have started to fall in place. I have a long way to go. I am not quite four months sober but the freedom I feel now is much better than any drunk or high I could have gotten drinking.