Sasha4

I think it took me about 6 years, maybe more, to 'get it'.

By get it I mean fully understanding the following equation


And


And for me, nothing good ever comes from drinking.

Such simple statements that you would think would be easy to act on.

I tried it my own way - drinking only beer, drinking only wine, drinking no more than 4 drinks a night, alternating every drink with water.

In the end, I finally got it through my head that there was no solution other than to not drink.
I have to say once I got it, life became a lot easier and a lot more enjoyable.

I wish you the best
x

visch1

OMG I so identify with the above and for me it was for too long. Finally after expecting different results or not getting that bolt of lightening I was WAITING for, "I was sick and tired of being sick and tired" I said God please help me stop drinking. That bolt struck me because I was ready to go to any length and work for it. 30+ years later haven't had a sip since that moment and still not a religious person. BE WELL

doggonecarl

Actually wanting to be done would have been throwing the xanax away, not throwing it somewhere you can get to when the urge to get high strikes.

Don't set yourself up for failure...recovery is hard enough without the built in traps we put in front of us.

Good luck.

mecanix

not much to add to the wise words here J

other than

Bestwishes, m

jstar

You are right, crazy I did that instead of tossing them! I've had the prescription forever but haven't taken them. I don't know why I thought I needed them just in case. Hmmm...in case I wanted to take them all? Ahh I don't know. That is why I threw them way up high, so I wouldn't take them all if I happened into a blackout. It's happened before and I kinda freak myself out when I drink cause I don't know what will happen. Typing that and reading it back...woah...I am totally insane in my thinking process here!

jstar

I think I'm going to see about an IOP program today....going to try to get all the support I can. I have to do something. This is so reckless

360shoes

You can do it Jstar...and everyone else who feels hopeless. I think feeling hopeless at some point is just part of it. Heaven knows I've been there.

For me, hopeless was the stage right before surrender. And I don't mean surrender like in there is nothing more I can do so I might as well stop trying but more like in I give up fighting the one thing I just can't fight anymore. For me it was drinking alcohol.

I had no answers but it just came to the point where I refused to drink it no matter what. If the aftermath was sadness or depression or anxiety or what have you, so be it. I will take that on and do what I can to overcome what comes as it comes. One thing at a time I took it. It wasn't easy. Some days it still not. But the thing for me was I got a glimpse here and there that my life could be better. Even if all I got was a little peace here and there. So letting go of hopeless gave me some hope.

You hang in there Jstar and everyone who feels like this now. You have a ton of people on here who ain't giving up on any of you.

Nattythreads

Look at it rationally jstar. There's nothing insane about your thinking. Quite the opposite. You're just putting preparation and planning in place to fail. "I'll put them there just in case......"

Again you're not going to "get it" until you stop thinking like this. The pills are just one tiny example. You're assaulted on a daily basis by opportunities to fail. It's all around us. You have to seriously man the barricades so that the answer is "no" every time, whatever the situation.

soberlicious

oh no....make no mistake, even stubborn, headstrong people can quit. Just look at me.

It was in embracing my tenacity and confidence, not denying it, that allowed me to change my life.

I strongly disagree with statements like these. This kind of thinking creates doubt in your ability. Doubting that you are capable of quitting will only prolong the process. Let me clarify for you...you are indeed capable. Statements like these also imply that it might be necessary to continue drinking/using in order to someday stop. I cannot stress enough that that is simply not true.

Mirage74

That's a good point, soberlicious. If you think you have a problem, go ahead and quit now. When they say it only gets worse, it does.

BabyJane

Jstar your quote says it all : surrender and he will meet you. Have you truly surrendered? I'm stubborn and difficult too. We all are - we ARE alcoholics for goodness sake! When you are beat into submission like I was, you'll wave the white flag and it will happen for you. I promise. The only thing I did right my first 5 years was I kept coming back for another shot at sobriety each time I relapsed. And I learned from my relapses. I studied my patterns and looked at my life with a microscope - not afraid to learn that I was indeed a weak minded and selfish person! Not afraid to see what needed to be done.

You don't give up. If it takes a thousand times, you don't give up. Some of us will die along the way. Some of us will have many stops and starts and we will struggle our asses off. I'm in that group. This has been SO challenging for me. Everything had to change, essentially. I shed an entire "self" like a snake molting its skin if you will? And yet I am still a snake! But I'm sober.

Stay with us. Today is a new day. You have it.

Mizzuno

I know that for me the only way for me to get the message was to lose my job, and almost lose my marriage. Why did I have to go to these lengths? I do not know.
It took what it took. It ripped out everything that I thought I was, and left me broken. I am not repairing what is broken. I am building a entirely new me. The real me. The Mizzuno that I have always wanted to be.
Figure out your true intentions, and the Universe will rise to meet you. (author unknown atm) Ask for these thoughts, confusion, pride, all the things that you think hinder your growth to be removed. Sit with it, but do not act. These thoughts and feelings will not kill you. They have no control unless you give them control, unless you act on them.
There is something to this struggle, and it is not for you to continue on a self destructive path. You are worthy of a loving pure life. You are worthy of sobriety.

jstar

You are all so wonderful and encouraging, thank you. Again the day after a fall here I am demoralized yet another time. I don't want to keep f'ing up everything. I really want to walk the right path. I guess wanting to and action are 2 separate things. My action today: I called and left a message at my therapy office to get an intake appointment for the outpatient program. I plan on going to a meeting after work. I plan on not drinking today, taking that in an hour by hour mindset right now.

FeenixxRising

I agree 100% with soberlicious on this point. Do not ever feel you have go further into your addiction in order "to get it". You don't. Just keep picking yourself up and working on your recovery. You will "get it".

I'm in the same boat, and I just keep trying and I fully believe "I will get it" sooner rather than later. Over the last six months, I have far more sober time vs. drinking time, and while it's not where I want to be, I refuse to wallow in self-pity and stop trying for complete sobriety.

So keep at it Jstar

jstar

One of my therapists today suggested I check into an inpatient program. God I don't think I can put my family through that again.