Off balance in relationship
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Nunyah, California
Posts: 132
Off balance in relationship
I just wanted to share - I'm at 50+ days sober today, things are slowly getting better overall, but I have to say, the one thing that really gets to me is the relationship thing between me and my wife. It's like we're just off balance with each other, out of sync. It's not something I can attribute entirely to lack of trust, resentments (I'm sure that's part of it), there's something else - our dynamic is just different now. It's very strange and off-putting.
For now, the two of us are quite committed to continuing to work our marriage, but for sure, this is a weird time.
I'm struggling with my typical feelings of low self-esteem (which seem to crop up particularly in intimate relationships, like with my wife), magnified by my recent declaration of being "defective" (e.g., in recovery). Also, like a typical codependent, I'm always feeling responsible for how she feels - and I'm pretty darn sure she feels the same about me.
BTW she is in recovery too - 6.5 years clean from alcohol use, she used to go to AA. She also has an actively alcoholic mom and enabler dad - her mom continues to 'drunk-dial' her to this day. Lovely stuff.
Yes, we're both going to groups (Al-Anon for her, Lifering for me) and we're both getting individual therapy when we can. Couples therapy is coming soon - we're just pausing before we dive into that.
I guess finally the thing that has been extra stressful of late has been my daughter's surgery (tonsillectomy-adenoidectomy). She's three. She's doing great but it's really been one of the last things we needed to worry about so soon after I did my stint in rehab. It's stressed out both of us and our marriage isn't exactly on the surest footing right now.
Life marches on.
For now, the two of us are quite committed to continuing to work our marriage, but for sure, this is a weird time.
I'm struggling with my typical feelings of low self-esteem (which seem to crop up particularly in intimate relationships, like with my wife), magnified by my recent declaration of being "defective" (e.g., in recovery). Also, like a typical codependent, I'm always feeling responsible for how she feels - and I'm pretty darn sure she feels the same about me.
BTW she is in recovery too - 6.5 years clean from alcohol use, she used to go to AA. She also has an actively alcoholic mom and enabler dad - her mom continues to 'drunk-dial' her to this day. Lovely stuff.
Yes, we're both going to groups (Al-Anon for her, Lifering for me) and we're both getting individual therapy when we can. Couples therapy is coming soon - we're just pausing before we dive into that.
I guess finally the thing that has been extra stressful of late has been my daughter's surgery (tonsillectomy-adenoidectomy). She's three. She's doing great but it's really been one of the last things we needed to worry about so soon after I did my stint in rehab. It's stressed out both of us and our marriage isn't exactly on the surest footing right now.
Life marches on.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
DrSober, I'm glad that you posted. Same thing was going on here between me and my husband. He's a normal drinker but has decided to abstain for a while in support of me. He couldn't be more ecstatic. Sounds like a perfect plan eh? We have also had issues and it puzzled me because why should that happen when you're doing something so good and positive? I heard a great analogy that makes total sense. Once I heard it I backed off and realized that it was nothing more than the following:
In marriage we become comfortable and learn to do a dance together. Let's say the Tango. We do that same dance every day of our lives. All of a sudden, one of us starts doing the Merengue. It throws everything out of whack for a while and there needs to be an adjustment. It's uncomfortable.
After 14 years of being together and 10 years of marriage my husband, for the first time, met the true LadyBlue. No matter how positive that was of an adjustment it was still stressful. Our marriage has never been better than it is right now and we've never been happier.
People think that stress is when something bad happens in your life. Stress is anything that takes you out of your normal and routine comfort zone be it good or bad.
Hang in there and give it time, you'll be in sync again!
I hope that everything goes well for your daughter!
In marriage we become comfortable and learn to do a dance together. Let's say the Tango. We do that same dance every day of our lives. All of a sudden, one of us starts doing the Merengue. It throws everything out of whack for a while and there needs to be an adjustment. It's uncomfortable.
After 14 years of being together and 10 years of marriage my husband, for the first time, met the true LadyBlue. No matter how positive that was of an adjustment it was still stressful. Our marriage has never been better than it is right now and we've never been happier.
People think that stress is when something bad happens in your life. Stress is anything that takes you out of your normal and routine comfort zone be it good or bad.
Hang in there and give it time, you'll be in sync again!
I hope that everything goes well for your daughter!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Thank you for sharing. I'm glad that Ladyblue was able to share her similar experience and how it blossomed eventually. Change is a stressor..even good stress is..well, stress. If I may I'd like to speak a little bit about co dependency as I do believe it's such a block to real connection. I've been having a bit of an issue with a co-worker who is also sober...been sober way longer than me....but I'm feeling like she isn't actually "hearing" me when I speak to her. Prior to go away last weekend I was feeling some real anxiety about the trip and I was scared for my sobriety. I talked to her about it. She said "call me anytime..day or night...I mean that". Well that was a nice thing for her to say..but what she didn't seem to realize is ..I was calling on her right then and there. I did text her when I was away when I was anxious and well, her answer was "relax..have a blast". Hmmm...it didn't really help (thank God I had SR).
The woman is a champ..really..BUT I have noticed she is really uncomfortable with people's "feelings". We had a bit of an issue just two nights ago..because she does everything for everybody all the time. I felt invisible like she didn't trust anyone else to be there..she had to be. Our "issue" got a bit ugly before it got better but I realized I had to fight for some elbow room for my own space. I have realized she is not part of my emotional sobriety reach out...cuz..well..she isn't connecting quite yet. I am sorry this is so long winded...but I'm trying to say how "blocking" co dependency is..
She gives me unsolicited advice all the time..that's her thing. I find it sad that although she is a lovely human I have decided that our relationship will not go beyond co workers (it had been going towards friendship and plans to do things) because she doesn't seem to hear me or connect..she's a one woman show.
Please don't be a "one man show" with your wife..and vice versa. Hear her..trust her to make her own mistakes and do things for herself. I hope you have the room to do same. I hope what I said makes sense..I know I ambled off there
The woman is a champ..really..BUT I have noticed she is really uncomfortable with people's "feelings". We had a bit of an issue just two nights ago..because she does everything for everybody all the time. I felt invisible like she didn't trust anyone else to be there..she had to be. Our "issue" got a bit ugly before it got better but I realized I had to fight for some elbow room for my own space. I have realized she is not part of my emotional sobriety reach out...cuz..well..she isn't connecting quite yet. I am sorry this is so long winded...but I'm trying to say how "blocking" co dependency is..
She gives me unsolicited advice all the time..that's her thing. I find it sad that although she is a lovely human I have decided that our relationship will not go beyond co workers (it had been going towards friendship and plans to do things) because she doesn't seem to hear me or connect..she's a one woman show.
Please don't be a "one man show" with your wife..and vice versa. Hear her..trust her to make her own mistakes and do things for herself. I hope you have the room to do same. I hope what I said makes sense..I know I ambled off there
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
Congrats on the 50+ days, glad you posted. I'm a bit farther down the road but just wanted to say that at your point I was still out of sync with myself. It's normal. It's also no surprise then if you feel out of sync with someone else, no matter how long you've known them. Truly going through recovery means changing and redirecting virtually everything about yourself, so naturally how you relate to everyone around you will follow.
Did you ever spin yourself around and around as a child? When you stopped your equilibrium was off and it took time to regain it. Doing the work necessary for recovery, you'll find it again. Your daughter's surgery is tough to deal with when you're off balance! So good job of posting here to try to find something to hold you steady. Keep up the good work!
Did you ever spin yourself around and around as a child? When you stopped your equilibrium was off and it took time to regain it. Doing the work necessary for recovery, you'll find it again. Your daughter's surgery is tough to deal with when you're off balance! So good job of posting here to try to find something to hold you steady. Keep up the good work!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
50 days seemed like a lifetime to me - but to others in my life it was just 50 days since my last screw up....and that can be hard to deal with.
I think these things take time - as hard and uneven as we find recovery in the beginning I think the same applies for our partners Dr S?
D
I think these things take time - as hard and uneven as we find recovery in the beginning I think the same applies for our partners Dr S?
D
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