You are not alone..i think i am

Old 07-20-2013, 08:47 PM
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You are not alone..i think i am

OK, here is my story, how it is, what it is, always 100%, AND I AM FED UP. Tommorow I will have exactly 20 months clean n sober, and I feel more angry and pissed off then ever before. I have changed my life completly..I am a people person..I welcome the newcomers..I talk to people..I chair meetings,help setup takedown etc etc, I do the steps, I have done everything nesccarary. I am not the ugliest guy around lol I take good care of myself, so why have I not met a woman yet??. It has been over a year, so i can date, I am tired of trying, EVERYONE i see has a woman, people in the program meeting up..where the **** is mine?? since coming into recovery and doing everything I am getting ****** over...ignored...used..lies made up about me, just about a lot of things have gone wrong. I am soooo ****** close to giving up..."happy..joyous and free" ********, when i was in active addiction i was atrtractive, had ladys who liked me etc a days NOT A DAMN ****** THING, a man can only take so much...........and death?? i do not dear death at all, I want to ****** die, because #1 i accept jesus as my saviour..#2 my intentions are good and #3 my mom is in heaven............I have tried so hard to change and have, the more i change for the better, the more i get ****** over by people or passed over from girls
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Old 07-20-2013, 09:03 PM
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Wow. I hear you man. Congratulations on 20 months!

I lost my fiance because of my drinking. Before that happened, I had pretty much made up my mind that if we ever split up, I would be done with the whole women thing.

I'm 7.5 months sober myself. I still haven't made up my mind if I even want to try and date again. I'm only 31, but it is such a hassle. At the same time, I find myself at times wishing I had someone. Who knows.

No reason to rush things, man. Just take your time and put yourself into new situations where you can meet girls. If you are trying to find them in A.A., I would rethink that.
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Old 07-20-2013, 09:15 PM
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Hi MrN1OA - welcome
Congratulations on your sober time.
I'm sorry you feel so angry about this though

Here's the thing for me - I was desperate for someone to love...for years...but it only really happened when I stopped looking and got comfortable with who I was.

The very time I decided I didn't need someone after all I found someone.

Maybe you're trying too hard?

if you really feel low about this have to talked to someone about it at all - a Dr or a therapist?

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Old 07-20-2013, 09:20 PM
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20 months is awesome, congrats I'm also with the school of thought that you find someone when you aren't looking. It will happen, just try to be patient & focus on the wonderful things you do have. That's what I'm doing.
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Old 07-20-2013, 10:00 PM
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Hi MrN,
Congratulations on the 20 months!

I think we find someone without looking but I also think we need to put effort into being around our best opportunities for meeting new people.

I've yet to ever have the chance encounter meeting someone grocery shopping. I had to put myself out there to expand my friend circle and then I put it out there that I would like to date. I got set up with several friends of friends. I just kept the attitude that it was nice to meet new people and that I would make it a nice experience no matter what. Worse case scenerio I met new people and some became really nice friends. Finally, I met the one where we clicked.

There are tons of people out there who don't drink and do drugs and tons who careless about drinking.

Maybe think up someways to expand the friend circle like joining groups that meet with hobbies in common. I live in a large city and there is a website I think called meetup and that's just people who set up group activities like movies or dinner or all sorts of things.

Don't be sad or give up. You have a lot to offer! You just need a bigger pool of friends to work with.
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Old 07-20-2013, 10:04 PM
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Congrats on the 20 months! Everyone is right! Be patient! You are right where you should be, right now single, and sober..focusing on yourself... when the time is right she will be right there Hugs
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Old 07-20-2013, 10:21 PM
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MrN10A, 20 months sober? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. Nowhere in the bigbook does it say you can't date until you've been sober for 1 year, and I've wondered where that came from. Try not to put yourself in a position to get screwed over by other people the best you can, and stay away from those that do screw you over. As far as the girls go, well, you'll have to figure that out for yourself buddy. Good luck and rootin for ya.
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Old 07-20-2013, 10:38 PM
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Whoa. The impression that we get some sort of prize for being sober is one skewed proposition, that a person of free will is expected on demand? That is frankly off the charts man. Where the **** is mine? That attitude will keep people actively avoiding you.

Good job on your sobriety and everything, but ... wow.
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Old 07-20-2013, 11:10 PM
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You are doing sooooo well, now practice the step 3 prayer, hand it over and god will send you th RIGHT partner when he thinksu are ready for a relationship, for some reason it's just not the right time YET!,,, be patient

Big hug from me to you to keep un going, .xxx
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Old 07-21-2013, 01:19 AM
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you're obviously a 12 step person so what does your sponsor say? why do you do the things you do in sobriety? is it because you want to be of service and want to do the work you need to do to have an active relationship with God? because right now, you're sounding very entitled. i've done all this work so i should get *insert desire here.* i know the feeling. sometimes, it drives me crazy when i do something good and i don't get jack for it. that's when i start getting restless, irritable and discontent. that's when i have to reexamine my motives and shift my thinking. if i'm upset, it's often because my way of thinking has become sick.

as far as getting a girl, being sober doesn't guarantee you a woman. even if you find a woman, it doesn't guarantee you love. all sobriety guarantees you is that you're not drinking. what you do with your sober time is where life is. so don't blame sobriety for your lack of love life. perhaps your standards are higher now? perhaps you're still getting used to your new sober self and you're finding it harder to connect with women without alcohol lubricating the interaction. also, i'm sure your dating pool has shrunk since you're probably not attracted to any lushes. there are a lot of issues at play here.

my personal recommendation is to talk to your sponsor. he knows you well and may have some interesting insight. don't do the sobriety work with the goal of having the perfect life. do it to keep your relationship with God right and to be of service to others. that's where many people find true happiness. the more you work on yourself and gain that peace and confidence, the more people are going to see that in you and be drawn to you. i'm sorry your so angry right now. i honestly wish i could give you a hug because you sound like you could use it. take a deep breath and have faith that you will find someone one day. have the confidence in yourself to be discriminating when it comes to a lady being interested in you. if you keep working on yourself and move past this rough patch, a woman is going to find you attractive. just make sure it's the right lady.
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Old 07-21-2013, 08:18 PM
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Thank you all, I really appreciate it, and i love this message board. It is just VERY frustrating sometimes when you are doing everything right..being a gentleman..etc etc..but thanks
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Old 07-22-2013, 12:03 AM
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now's the time
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Do you have any female friends? This post does not exactly scream "I understand that women are human beings" to me. And I don't mean that in the sense of "you must understand this to pass the test, after which point a girlfriend will be granted to you." I mean that you'll probably be a lot happier and have more success dating if you stop looking at women as a mysterious force of the universe. Hanging out with some as friends could help with that. Get to know what it's like to enjoy spending time with women without expecting anything from them.
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Old 07-22-2013, 01:23 AM
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As a woman, the expectation that you have that you deserve to have a woman is a big turn off. And we aren't performing monkeys that will have sex with you if you act like a gentleman Relax and let things happen naturally.
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Old 07-22-2013, 01:27 AM
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I counted at least 25 "I's" in your post. I don't bring this up to be mean but to bring this to your attention to link it back to the steps. Who is running your life MrN1OA, you or your HP? From all of the I's I would have to guess that you are. If you are running your life then you are responsible for the results. I would talk to your sponsor though and see what he says, I may be way off base here. I know for me when my life isn't going according to plans I have started running the show again. I think it happens to everyone as we are only human, but when things get out of whack it's a good idea to take a good look at why that may be happening. Running problems by my sponsor is a good way to hear what I need to hear (and not necessarily what I want to hear).
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Old 07-22-2013, 06:55 AM
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I have this same underlying issue with my sobriety.
Why ain't I getting MY reward."

I usually "do" the right things, but I still have an addicts attitude. Basically an attitude that apparently gets me nowhere.

Really focusing on gratitude lately. Really focusing on letting expectations AND disappointments go (on their not so merry way). Unfortunately also feeling "resigned " to disappointment which is really just another sort of inside out expectation, this time for UNhappiness.

OK, time for me to sing my chorus of "What's it all about...Alphie?"
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Old 07-22-2013, 09:19 AM
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Well, in active adddiction, I had GFs..friends with benifits...girls who wanted to spend time with me....I was like 199 pounds hooked on Oxys,crack and alcohol. Now that I am trying real hard...dress nice...nothing but a kind gentleman, I get no where!!!! this does not make sense to me...let's be honest, N.A rooms are the same all across North America (people hooking up...girls that are easy etc etc) I chair meetings and bring a lot of charsima and charm to the rooms, I just don't understand God's plan for me, I am only human and I am only a male, I did not give up drugs to also give up my sex life...and when you take out the drugs and not on the hunt thinking about drugs 24/7, I feel like I am 18 again........Now, I am a smart guy, and I know this sounds like a pity party, but like they say in the rooms, "but it is the truth for me", and I am thinking of taking my will back..smoking a fat joint and looking up to the sky and saying, "**** you god". I am not affraid to die intentions are good, and he knows the real me..I am just so confused and feel so ugly....Can any males 100% relate to me on this??
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Old 07-22-2013, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by MrN1OA View Post
Can any males 100% relate to me on this??
No, I can't. I'm not sure what's going on exactly. But from the posts you've made you seem to have a feeling of "entitlement". That you deserve the reward of a girlfriend or sex because you're now sober. I suspect, but I don't know for sure that this attitude shows through and that women sense it. And if they sense it, they are probably turned-off .

Have you tried online dating? Are you looking for a relationship as opposed to a FWB situation or just sex? From the meetings I attend, I see single women who are recovering; they are probably doing their best to avoid one night romantic trysts and FWB situations because they have had their fill of that kind of activity when their addiction ran their lives. Now they are looking for a real relationship that has meaning. If you have the attitude you displayed in your posts, that could be a reason why they are avoiding you.

I think you need to reflect on what you want from the opposite sex? I'm not the moral police, and you're a grown man, but is just getting laid really what you want, and more importantly, will that kind of behavior really help your recovery?
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Old 07-22-2013, 11:19 AM
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You're trying to get laid in a place that has very vulnerable people coming into it. If I was being hit on while trying to get myself sober I would be a little put off as well.
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Old 07-22-2013, 12:34 PM
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"N.A rooms are the same all across North America (people hooking up...girls that are easy etc etc)"

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Old 07-22-2013, 01:49 PM
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OK OK...I am addict, I am dealing with real emotions these days, and I am not affraid to show them, on here or in the rooms. I find that now my desire has been lifted to use, my other defects (that I never really knew I had) of character, are coming out HUGE...Lust and envy the main ones...My ego tells me I am funnier...better dressed..more smart then the average person I see on the streets or the rooms (and for the most part it is true). The bottom line is, is I am horney and lonley, and have gone a long time without female compassion from a lady I am attracted to. I live in a transition house with 6 other guys, and I have just seen the most anti social...smelly guy...guys who are not working the program....get females........Now, I can admit that I do look for a reward from GOD, and I know everything is on his time..I have and keep the faith..and I do belive 100%...thank you all for the feedback, SO GREATFUL to find a site like this about recovery (gives me a chance to read and hear others from around the world insted of just the regualrs you are with in the room)....I am and always will be 100% honest, I just need to get over the lusting
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