BarOwnersSon

So I guess that I was destined to get to this point in my life. My grandpa was an alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic. I grew up in a house next door to my dad's tavern and counted as role models, all the various souls that frequented the bar to get away from their home lives. My dad never thought that he was an alcoholic because he didn't keep it in the house. The fact that the bar was a 30 second walk, or a 2 minute stagger, from our front door, didn't seem to play into his reasoning. I imagine that my first taste of alcohol came when I was 11 or 12, at one of our Sunday yard parties, which were basically excuses for all of the bar patrons to keep drinking since the bar was officially closed on Sundays. In my teenage years, hanging out with my friends, I became known as the one with the high tolerance for alcohol, the one that could slam a beer the fastest, the one who was the best buzzed driver. How awesome was it that my dad owned a bar? The party didn't have to end, because it was always easy to locate the bar keys in dad's pocket when he was passed out cold after closing the bar in the early morning hours. In fact, who needed friends to be included, if I needed a few more beers at the end of the night? I escaped the bar life in my mid-20s, but not before conceiving my first child, and charting the course for my adult life. I married the girl that I impregnated during one of the many after parties, and decided that I needed to be an adult, and not follow in the footsteps of my dad. Entered the workforce, and have worked for 23 years, raising three kids, and falling further and further into the clutches of this disease. In my early adult life, the binges were reserved for outings with the guys from work, whether it be our annual lake trip (aka who can get the drunkest and pass out the fastest........no contest, they didn't stand a chance), weekend parties, or sporting events. As I got older, the drinking became more of a private matter. Basement refrigerator stocked with beer. Watch sports in the man cave. No one has to know how many I drink. I was a master of hiding the evidence. The thirty minute drive home from work had to include a stop by the liquor store for a six-pack, three of which would be gone by the time the car hit the driveway, but who knew? Certainly not the people at the liquor store, because I had five different ones on rotation, so that they would only see me once a week. Naturally, as this disease continued to get its claws into me, three beers became six, and the evidence became harder to hide. Daughter's car broke down? At 8:00PM at night? Doesn't she know that I'm in no shape to drive? The new neighbors are at the door and want to visit? Don't they know that I'm in no shape for coherent conversation? At about 40 years old, I decided it was time to quit, period. Started journaling and tracked my progress for 15 months. Then the wheels came off during a work trip, and I was back, worse than before. Stopped again, a year or two later, for another 12-13 months, but relapsed for reasons that I don't even recall. Sometimes I blame it on mind-numbing boredom. Often I blame it on my wife of 23 years, who has become quite the wine drinker, and makes it awfully difficult to quit when that bottle of pinot is always present in the kitchen. But the fact of the matter is that I guess I don't know how to live any other way. Alcohol has been an integral part of my life, always. So, here I am, at 48 years old, knowing that I've done irreversible harm to my liver, and who knows what else, and (hopefully) reversible harm to my kids, who are now 23, 18, and 11. I've always tried to tackle this problem myself, but the disease is bigger than I am. I'm also not much of a people person, which keeps me from walking into a meeting room with total strangers to discuss my plight. So I guess that I'm reaching out to the inconspicuous world wide web, hoping that I can spark some divine intervention. Thanks for welcoming me to your recovery site.

least

to SR! You've come to a very supportive place.

Cascabel

Welcome aboard! If you are looking for something to hold on to and, like me, you are not a people person, look into AVRT (Google it). It is something you can work at alone. But, in my opinion, you would be better off if you were to combine AVRT with spending a lot of time posting and reading on this web site. You are a good writer and have an interesting story; please continue to share it with us. There is also a lot of accumulated wisdom here to read and a lot of pain to share. I look forward to reading about your freeing yourself from the grip of alcohol. Again, welcome and best wishes!

Dee74

Welcome to SR

that was me too - but I learned

You'll find a lot of support understanding wisdom - and hope - here too

D