Nuudawn

How bout using your mind as your HP? I believe, after years of drinking, that our minds are mystical, powerful, unknown enough to us to qualify. You have no idea the potential of your lucid mind. Right now it is fighting with that addiction to be known...and that addiction is a petulant, whiny, demanding 6 year old screaming for attention...and your mind can quiet it. When we spend years vacating our senses we have no idea how to "mind" ourselves. Our minds are a precious gift but it is an enemy within when dealing with addiciton. It is your job to reclaim your mind. Talk to it..soothe it...listen to it....hear it...don't run from it. Listen to it...and don't be afraid of it for you have to power to control it. Your fine precious self wants to be known but ya gotta get that whiny 6 year old to know who is the authority here..and that is you. You can change the radio station. You're listening to "addiction radio" 24/7..or so it sounds. That is not YOU....precious wonderful you needs to take control. You are not being deprived from alcohol, your mind is being allowed to heal and come forth and do it's real job here....

susasober1

To me the ocean is one of the highest powers I know...it's important to pray to something...even if you don't know what or who it is! It took me umpteen times to finally quit. I had the same short periods of sobriety that you described. Finally every time I stopped drinking, "head demons" visited me. The last drunk back in May 2012 was it for me...I hope!

Lionhearted1

I feel you my friend I too have had numerous 1 month 2/3 month spells of sobriety. But guess what I was just about to walk to the shop and get smashed to deal with my back that I have pulled again from pushing heavy weights and my break up of my relationship but I logged on here and read your thread and iam not drinking tonight the urge went your thread has kept me sober.. If that's not the universe at work what is???

teardrop

im glad i helped you good luck

teardrop

thanks for your reply but i arnt praying to anything, but yes the ocean is very powerful

ScottFromWI

There are many recovery methods that don't require praying or a higher power teardrop. It's been very clear from your previous posts that AA is not your thing, and that's absolutely fine. Have you tried doing any reading or research on any of the Secular methods?

The bottom line is that you need to do something in your life to learn how to deal with and enjoy your life sober. Basically every time we quit drinking, the reality of the world we've been postponing/drowning in alcohol shows it's head. And we have 2 choices obviously - drink and hide again, or become the person we were supposed to be all along.

Along with finding a recovery method, many of us need to seek help for the issues in our life that we have never dealt with. For some, that may be counseling or even prescription pcychiatric drugs. For some that might mean marriage counseling. For some it might mean cognitive behavior therapy.

We've all been where you are and used our disdain for particular recovery methods or real life issues to somehow justify going back to the bottle. But in the end it's total BS - you know it won't end well. You've been doing a great job and have some serious sober time under your belt, now you've got to make a choice to find what you need to take the next step.

Nonsensical

I hear that voice, too. I have one of my own. He sings a sweet song. Just one more time. Just have a few, everyone has a few. It's Friday, treat yourself. You can quit again on Sunday. Or Monday. Just be careful this time. You weren't careful before, that's what caused the trouble. If you're careful there won't be trouble. Everyone is doing it, you're missing out.

It's all lies. Every bit of it. If I could shut him up, I would. I'd put him in a box with one airhole in it and plug it until he shut up. I love that thought! Fun to think about, but that won't really work, will it?

I have to hear that sumbeach. Yap, yap, yap. I can't shut it up. I have to hear it - but I don't have to listen to it. All it's ever done for the last 25 years is lie to me. Why would I listen to it?

You aren't willing to go to AA. Fair enough. What ARE you willing to do?

mecanix

The voice in your head can and will shut up with time .

It's just a ghost / phantom it can tell you things but it has no power to do anything .

It is possible to train ones mind , to focus on different things , to change your very thoughts by observing them and challenging ones perception and perspective .

Relapse dosn't have to happen, you need never drink again if you don't want to, freedom is real however we attain it .

Bestwishes, m

RobbyRobot

Addiction ambivalence process aptly describes what you're presently feeling and thinking, teadrop. Although its all very personally experienced of course, its really not about you, and is actually more about just getting past all the ambivalence you're encountering while sustaining your non-drinking new lifestyle.

It will take time, and it will take some suffering through it as you change and adapt to being a different YOU living a different life now that you've quit. Change is inevitable once we quit, and that change needs to be managed and directed with real purpose to enjoy the best of all possible outcomes.

There are as many opportunities for creating choices as there are stars in the night sky. There are no limits when we write our own tickets except those we choose to impose upon ourselves for whatever justifications might appeal to us while we strive to do our best. Its unlikely any of us will discover how to live and sustain a perfect life after quitting, and its also true we don't require such perfections to even marginally exist -- simply being ourselves as we change to meet our non-drinking responsibilities is more than enough to ensure real success with staying quit, and thereafter reap and harvest being happy and peaceful with ourselves.

Have courage, teardrop. You're not alone. YOU CAN continue to choose too not drink again. Things and life CAN get better without drinking! Good to see you posting and being active on SR!

Banquo

The thing with drinking heavily to the point of alcoholism is that we become very, very selfish. In our recovery we have to take that selfishness and use it to our advantage. You can't recover for God, your wife, kids, parents, boss et al. You need to stop for yourself. I'm an atheist and don't subscribe to this higher power thing. So be selfish, say to yourself I'm doing this for ME. I've been there mate. I couldn't have stopped abusing drink for anyone. Even when I nearly lost everything. When I finally came to realise I'll have to do it for me it felt so much easier. Good luck mate

DisplacedGRITS

i don't believe in God. not God as anyone else understands it. i believe in a Power greater than myself. i mean, i'm not the all powerful force in my life. there's something out there that influences the way i think and the things i do and my life around me. i used to be the All Powerful Oz in my life. constantly pushing buttons and throwing leavers and cranking...cranks? well, i tired to make my life absolutely perfect by trying to control everything around me and make it fit into my conception of a good life. and the tighter i held on to things, the harder i tried to control the uncontrollable, the more of my life slip between my fingers and it upset me. so i hid from my life in the bottle. i couldn't take things not going the way i demanded them to.

now, i turn things over to the Universe. to my own, personal Higher Power. i accept that i can't control much of my life. my life, as controlled by me, is unmanageable. i've found a great peace now that i trust my HP to guide my life. it frees me to actually enjoy things. sure, my alcoholic brain pipes up every now and then but i've got people i can call and people i can listen to that help me. my HP puts them in my life and i often find that i end up where i need to be when i need to be there. sometimes, it's not where i want to be but i end up finding the good in the situation. sometimes, things just really go wrong but i know i can write it off and start every day anew.

i don't really pray. not formally at least. i just try to remind myself throughout the day that i'm not God. i have to remind myself of that a lot. i mean, i'm a total narcissist so reminding myself that i am not the God of my life kinda knocks me down a peg and humbles me. then, i am more free to accept that there is a Power greater than myself influencing my life. heck, when i was drinking, it was alcohol! i call it my Lower Power. now, i choose a Higher Power. my own, personal HP. no one can tell me what it is or how i choose to acknowledge it. it's just me and it. i don't understand it and that's fine. i don't care to. i don't understand a lot of physics, i just know physics works. my HP is like the spiritual physics of my life. i can fight it but that only causes conflict, frustration and a lot of wasted energy. i choose to go with it, accept that i'm not in charge all the time and you know, that's fine. i don't want all the stress that comes with micromanaging everything or setting unrealistic expectations.

there are non-AA alternatives out there. still, don't be scared off by the God word. it's a placeholder for your own, personal Higher Power. it's God as you come to understand him/her/it. that's why it's a spiritual program, not a religious one. i would just recommend that your HP be a benevolent one. you get to choose a kind, loving God. a general force for peace and good in your life. it doesn't mean that God magically reaches down from Heaven to throw good things into your life. it just means that you trust a benevolent Power of the Universe or whatever to take care of the things you aren't meant to manage.

sorry that was pretty rambling. i am sorry that you've been made to feel that you have to have someone else's God. i hope you're able to find what's missing in your life. i have a God sized hole in me. i tried to fill it with alcohol and the hole never filled up. only my HP can fill me up and make me feel right with the world and it takes a lot of trust on my part to allow that. i hope you're able to find the ability to trust your HP one day if you can't find any alternatives. keep progressing in your sobriety. there's no problem that drinking can't make worse.

Nonsensical

I'm gonna print this and post it on my bathroom mirror.