ilgastoni

Hi,

My Fiancee is an alcoholic although he denies it, he becomes very depressed when drinking and has tried to kill himself on a couple of occasions and threatened to on numerous occasions although i believe this is often to get a reaction out of me and get me to come home when i have left.

He did stop drinking for a few weeks but i know and check his hiding places and know he has been drinking again even though he denies it.

The problem is, he is soooo nasty when he drinks. Usually he is the nicest kindestman and i love him but its like he becomes a monster. He calls me all the names under the sun, tells me im fat, im crap in bed (hes usually too drunk for sex), hes got loads of other girls after him (as if theyd put up with his ********). I was raped a few years ago and he uses it against me saying i enjoyed it, i derserved it and tries to make me relive a horrible time of my life, he also threatens that he will rape me himself. Christmas day i had a knife against my throat and he has grabbed me a few times although he hasnt been physical for a while.

I have left a few times and he threatens to kill himself and he has tried a couple of times. He also threatens to kill and hurt my family.

After the last time i called the police to find him after he threatened to kill himself he was arrested for drink driving and reffered for mental health assesment as he had suffered from depression and he seemed to be getting better but more and more often i know he has been drinking.

I guess what i want to know is if people do change or will he always be like this. I know that i should leave him but i keep kidding myself that he will change. When i have left it has usually only been for a cpl of days and he has harrassed me constantly saying vile horrible things and vandalising my car and cutting up my clothes, smashing my belongings.

I feel trapped and torn between the nice guy i love and know he can be and the total monster that he is more and more frequently becoming again. I feel like i dont know myself anymore and the effect it is having on me is immense, i am short tempered, so angry all the time in my head and very emotional, i cant concentrate on anything and im just not a very nice person to be around at the moment and im afraid im gonna crack soon

Lionhearted1

hi. wow. iam sorry to hear your story please don't mistake all alcoholics for this sad excuse of a human being. iam no angel believe me but would not do half the things you mentioned drunk or sober!! that's all I have to say. good luck

Notmyrealname

(some) Drunks do get sober, but you should leave. When you got to the part about "knife to my throat" .. that's when you should be calling the people at U-Haul about renting a truck to move your stuff out.

A guy I know, his mother was okay when sober but a mean drunk. In a drunken blacked-out rage, she murdered the guy she was living with, stabbed him in the heart with a ballpoint pen (not making this up).

Drunken violent people are a potentially fatal hazard. It's good to avoid fatal hazards.

visch1

Hi. I suggest the police, Al Anon and running shoes in the order of your preference. Even IF your all he drunkenly claims there is no excuse to be abusive in ANY manner. I believe your positive strokes may be considered enabling. Unfortunately we can't get anyone sober or drunk, it's their choice and requires a lot of self examining on their part. BE WELL

Cascabel

Your fiancé needs help, a lot more help than you can provide. The past violence and the potential for new violence are flaming red flags that all is not right in his head. He also is manipulative, using the threat of suicide to bend you to his will. I suspect that his alcoholism is an outgrowth of an underlying personality disorder and unless he is willing to get help with the mess in his mind, you are better off without him. Leaving him will be painful, I'm sure you have some good times between you. But, without help, he will get worse, not better and you may pay a painful price for your loyalty. At the very least, you need to talk with a professional with experience in such things. There are resources available through this forum, I encourage you to seek them out- quickly!

MeSoSober

Oh, my God, please stop subjecting yourself to this. Whether or not he will ever change is pretty much irrelevant at this point as he not even showing any DESIRE to, much less taking action in that direction. And you say he's becoming this "monster" "more and more frequently" -- meaning he's getting WORSE, not better. This is so unhealthy on every level. Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.

I know this is easy for nameless strangers to advise you to do from the comfort of their own homes and lives and far, far more difficult for you to actually do, but I hope you'll develop a plan to set yourself free from this abuse. If this guy had a knife to your throat he is DANGEROUS. HE POSES A VERY REAL THREAT TO YOUR PHYSICAL SAFETY.

You might want to document as well you can the occasions on which he has threatened you or your family verbally or physically.

You also might want to seriously consider getting some help for yourself, just to gain some insight into why you've been willing to subject yourself to this awful abuse and to help you recover from it.

Best wishes to you. Please keep coming here for support -- you will find a ton of it!!!

Lightning Bug

He sounds like he has these "feelings" deeply rooted in himself. Some people may remove the alcohol, but the threads of the feelings remain.

Nonsensical

That's a really awful situation, so sorry you are going through this terrible time.

I have to agree with the others - you have to cut yourself off from him. He tries to hurt himself. You could be next.

He might pull himself together, but he probably won't until he hits bottom. Stop being his bottom cushion. Let him hit it hard. It might save his life.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

The friends and family section is loaded with good information. best of luck to you. You can do this!

ilgastoni

Thank you guys for your comments. Even as i was typing i know that i shoudl leave but every time i do he seems to show change and seems to want it and its ok for a bit then he goes back to how he was. It is also difficult for me to leave financially as he has lost numerous jobs and i have had to pay for everything through working 6 days a week, credit cards and all my savings which are gone, i cant afford to move and he wont leave. We were supposed to be getting married next year but i have cancelled all plans that we had, he said he loves me and wants to get married and would change, now i know he wont.

I never imagined myself to be in this position and dont know how i got here but reading through these forums i know more than ever what i have to do and hopefully have the strength to do it

ilgastoni

I didnt think of it that way, thank you for pointing that out x

cleaninLI

I'm glad you found SR. Especially read through the stickies on the friends and family area. Also, post this over there you will get a ton of advice from people who have been in your shoes. Remember, Don't wait for him to change. Change yourself. Don't be afraid to get outside support, idk where you live but there are many domestic violence organizations that can help you with housing. Take care.

pattyj

I am an alcoholic and in aa but I also had an emotionally abusive boyfriend. My ex wasn't going to change. I could only control myself. I left my ex. My family created a protective bubble around me. Restraining orders work as well. If he tries suicide, it's not your fault. Take care of yourself. Breaking up seems impossible but I'm sure you don't want to deal with this your entire life. Alanon will teach you about co dependency and how to put yourself first. Stay safe and get out.

least

I can only repeat what has been said: get yourself to a safe place. A restraining order against him would be helpful too, I think. You deserve better than this.