Happier

July 26 will mark one year of sobriety for me. While I am grateful for this milestone I also feel some level of insecurity with my current state. Unfortunately the "fantasy thoughts" about drinking have been popping into my head more often than normal. I do not like that. I feel like I am still on the straight and narrow path but that I can look right over and see a steep slippery slope ready for me to suck me down if I were to swerve in the very least.

I will not drink. I feel sure of that. Unfortunately though, if I am honest with myself, the real and main reason is that I refuse to put my wife through that level of concern, worry and awkwardness. She deserves better and I will not drag her into that world again. I won't even be mentioning the 1 year milestone since it may remind her of why I quit again a year ago. (...got way too drunk and admitted hiding my drinking/bottles...again) It would also remind her that I still think about and deal with this on a pretty regular basis. I sort of hope she doesn't even know that.

What really scares me is the question of what I would do if not for her. I know it is better to seek continued sobriety for ones self. That is my goal......I just don't think I am there yet.

I don't want to make this sound worse than it is. There are many more good days than bad. I love sober life. I guess that is why these thoughts concern me so much. I will keep going, learning, progressing.

Can anyone relate to any of this? Do you think I am doomed to eventual failure or is there hope of getting this right for the right reasons?

Dee74

Hi Happier

first off I think those kinds of thoughts are pretty common at the one year mark - whether it's PAWS or whether it's the timing - drinkings a bit of a distant memory but sobriety is still a little new - I'm not sure...but it's very common to think - did I really have a problem - will I keep this up - is this all there is? etc.

I'm pretty sure you're not just doing this for your wife tho...that's not often enough to keep people focused, especially for a year.

I think your AV might be screwing with you.

Think about where you were a year ago - reread your old posts.
Look at the distance you've travelled.

my advice is remind yourself that our relationship with alcohol never changes, forget the past and revel in your present - if you're not satisfied with any aspect of your life right now then work on changing that - but drinking wont do it.

D

Itchy

You wrote:
"I feel like I am still on the straight and narrow path but that I can look right over and see a steep slippery slope ready for me to suck me down if I were to swerve in the very least."

For us alcoholics that slippery slope will always be there. I have three years. I am not feeling deprival, just survival. Remembering that the crash is just one little drink away is the best thing I have to prevent it. I know if I take that one drink because I delude myself into trying to believe I am better and normal again, I will never escape again. I know I will be back to 30 drinks/beers a day and smoking three packs of cigarettes again within weeks. I really don't care about staying sober for others. None of us do for long. But some of us start the self delusion to go back by resenting others as if they are holding us back that way. I can control my sobriety, not my drinking, this I know as fact. And I never forget that slippery slope is always right there. That is a good thing! I want no part of taking that ride down again, no matter how bored I am sober.

Take strength from that realization. Use it!

Happier

Thanks for the responses.

Dee, I hope you are right. There are indeed characteristics, goals, and experiences that I desire that I know are only possible if I stay sober. I would have to think long and hard before giving up on these things even if I had 'permission' to drink from my wife. I do feel better after considering that.

Itchy ..good point. Probably best that I not get too comfortable on my path. I do know where the slippery slope leads. The sinkhole bottom is what is scariest. It always gets deeper!

Jeni26

Hi Happier. I can relate to what you said. From time to time, my brain tries to re-write the script...was I really THAT bad? I drank because of x,y and z, I've come to terms with that now...so it'll be ok to drink again etc etc.

I gave up primarily for my kids...they are doing so well, living increasingly independent lives, they don't need me as much as they once did. Surely it would be ok to start drinking again, perhaps at the weekends or on our family holiday?......

What helps set me straight when I have these random thoughts is an image I keep in my mind of the morning after my relapse last May. I woke up tear -stained and fully clothed on top of my bed with no memory of how I got there. My heart was thumping with anxiety and I felt sick and full of disgust and shame. There is NO WAY, no matter how tricky it gets in sobriety I ever want to live through that morning again.

Think of how you were, think of how life is for you now...is there any comparison?x

least

I got sober for a lot of different reasons but ultimately I stayed sober for myself.

FeelingGreat

Happier I reached my first year in April, and I'd always told others I had decided to give up for a year. When the year was almost up the thoughts about drinking again started to get more frequent. I think it was more because it was on my mind rather than actual cravings. My AV tells me that because I'm not a binge drinker, I could drink a glass of wine and not immediately rush out on a binge. That's true, but my problem was a gradual build-up to harmful levels, and I really can't go back to that.

ImperfectlyMe

Hey happier I relate soooooooo much to your post although not as far along as you are. You are not alone. I too stay sober for my husband and kids but like Dee said maybe there is much deeper reasons that we don't acknowledge like staying healthy for ourselves. For me I think saying that I am sober for them has allowed me to stay stuck and not grow. I can't put that burden on them any longer. Truth is they aren't keeping me or you sober you are! You will is strong! One year is INCREDIBLE you should feel do proud.

My new outlook is yes I've stated away from drinking this far but I've come to a place of complacency..... Time to change reroute on this journey. Change things up to find a path to more self connectedness! You've done so well and I have no doubts you will continue! Good luck and again great work.

bigsombrero

I'll chime in with support and experience like the rest. I just passed the year mark a few weeks ago and I can also relate. My biggest struggles thusfar came in my 10-11th month time frame. It wasn't so much the desire to drink, really - it was just "general frustration" with everything around me. I was putting myself in stressful situations, I had bitten off a bit more than I could chew - the stress I felt was only compounded by the fact that I felt like a failure. I was almost a year sober - why couldn't I handle this stuff? I wanted to play with the big kids again.

The one year milestone is a big one, but alas, there is no magic surprise waiting for us once we cross that mark. This is a condition that we will need to monitor, on some level, on a daily basis for the rest of our lives. It doesn't go away or get swept under the rug once we get time under our belt.

Alcoholism is a disease we must keep fighting. Every. Damn. Day. Accepting that unfortunate fact was helpful to me and has made my last month much better. All the best and good luck to you.

MIRecovery

This one of the reasons I attend Aa meetings to keep sobriety front and center