Thetwoofus

I just kicked my husband out as I caught him drinking again for the 4th time. He had promised he would quit. He has been hiding alcohol in the basement and claiming a need to go to bed early on week nights and weekends. I thought he was just depressed but was drinking. He admitted he has never stopped drinking just got better a hiding it. He has supposibly go to a detox center but I have my doubts. I have been living this way for over 20 years. Divorce or not? Please help as the guilt is overwhelming.

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome, Thetwoofus. I'm sorry things are in such a state for you. You have probably learned by now that there's nothing you can really do about his drinking. You can support him, you can set boundaries, but you can't make him stop if he doesn't want to.

Only you can know what to do. My feeling is that you can't make any idle threats. If you leave him or file for divorce, you can leave a door open so that if he quits/gets help you will reconsider. But you can't back down. Maybe the realization that you're serious will give him the push to quit. Or maybe he will keep going. Most drunks drink until they can't anymore.

Hopefully others can provide more insight.

Petecrab

Sorry to hear about your situation. I think you need to do what will make you happy in the future if he is refusing to accept your help and support, as harsh as that sounds!

iwh

as MOS said.

though there is a chance to encourage him to want to let go of alcohol on his own.

love is helpful, but you have to realize what you are up against and it is not your husband.

that said, your husband could be left in a cardboard box and still wanting to drink if certain things don't click in his mind. most of us can not say what will make those things click.

i read something recently about; addicts/families & friends don't have to take themselves too seriously, but the addictions very seriously.

it is most certainly up to you what to do. though another thing i learned in this is that all people involved in these situations must learn how to take care of themselves first.

though i'm new too.

ANGELINA243

Welcome to SR! Glad you are here. We also have a Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum here. They have dealt with similar situations. I would suggest making an additional post there as well.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

There is also lots of helpful info at the top of that page.Be sure to view the stickies. You are not alone. You can't change your husband. If he is to change, it must be cause he wants to. You didn't cause it, can't control it , can't cure it-- his addiction. You can learn how to set up some healthy boundaries for yourself. You no longer have to be a prisoner of his disease. There is hope. We do recover.

visch1

Al Anon, if in your area has helped a huge number of people in similar situations. BE WELL

iwh

also, before this breaks out. it's worth it to read around the newcomers forum to see what alcoholics go through.

like i said, i like this humbleness of not taking ourselves too seriously and the disease very much so. i did get that from the 12 x 12.

if you're still on the fence about your husband i hope you land on the side of love and can take care of yourselves independently as well.

iwh

say something to us...

Thetwoofus

Thank you to those who have replied to my question. I got a text from him. The text said in lock up for 5 days at a detox center. What do I do when he is done detox? Do I let him back into the house? I don't know if I have the energy or fight to try and trust him. Or the want. He has sucked out all the love from me I had for a long time ago.

BabyJane

After detox he needs to go to rehab, in my opinion. If he's struggling that much and he REALLY wants to learn to live sober he will need more than just a detox. Removing the alcohol from his body won't remove the addiction from his mind. Recovery is a process of learning and growing. It involves immense sacrifice and struggle at times, but many of us have become willing to do whatever it took and that's why we are here today. Is he willing to do WHATEVER it takes? ANYTHING? Ask him when you speak to him what his plan will be for the next few weeks / months. If he is saying one thing but doing nothing (or doing what he used to do) I would stick to the separation to keep yourself safe and hopefully he will be desperate enough to get further help. There's out- patitent and AA or SMART or even AVRT recovery programs he can try too. I hope things change for you guys. I know for myself, the pain of loosing everything near and dear to me spurred me into action. I got sober because I was tired of it all. I hope he's at that point.

honeypig

Thetwoofus, please check into Alanon. It sounds like you could use some "in person" help too. Alanon is a great starting place.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

Everyone there is or has been in your shoes; you will feel welcome and you will learn a lot. You'll get a lot of support.

SR is a wonderful place. I've gotten so much from the great folks here. However, your situation sounds to me like you need more than an online forum is able to provide, so again, please check into Alanon as well as reading and posting here (in the Family and Friends section, as someone else suggested--that will apply the most to your specific situation).

Welcome to SR, and I wish you some peace and clarity in your day.

wiscsober

Attending Alanon meetings helped me...give them a call.

iwh

lot's of great advice.

if he's sucked out all the love from you a long time ago, well find some for yourself, but it sounds like this is a human being who will have no where to go. neither you or i know what to say, but at least let him know ASAP that you can't have him back, so he can find somewhere to go when he gets out.

also, please check out and post in the friends & family section and speak to al-anon people.

we are actually the alcoholics over here, but i don't find that always categorizable either.