ImperfectlyMe

I haven't logged on here in quite some time I'm still sober 99 days but struggling daily. I have been avoiding this site intentionally because I'm so stuck in my head and so angry that I have to remain sober I just can't let it go! The only reason I haven't drank is because my husband won't allow me. I feel like I'm just not myself anymore. I don't even recognize me anymore! When will this ever stop! I'm not trying to have a pity party in anyway. I just don't know how to get past this. Everyday is the same thing clean cook take care of kids and pray for bedtime so I can escape I just want to feel joy again

mecanix

Do you want to feel joy or do you want to get drunk ?

For me they are two different things, I try to be careful not to confuse them .

I've worked myself into an emotional tizzey in the past as an excuse to drink .

If i want to be joyous i look for things to be grateful for, the glory and wonder in life . sometimes i need a reminder and have to go through the motions of finding things to be grateful for before i feel it .

If i want to drink i call myself out on it .

Bestwishes, m

ImperfectlyMe

To be completely honest I want both and yes I know they are two different things! I think the feeling of needing to drink is more of a feeling of needing to escape from my life sadly. Thanks mecanix for your comment I appriciste it very much.

Right now my stubborn mind has concluded I'm not going to be happy with or without alcohol.

Tamerua

What are you doing for recovery? I don't like to say that you have to or should do something... But in this case, I think you should or you will stew yourself into a drink.

Try to think of this as an allergy, right? Some people can't have peanuts or milk... I can't have grains or I blow up like a puffer fish. We can't have alcohol because we break out in jackassery. You're not alone.

least

That is a hasty conclusion to come to. It's your addiction speaking and not logic. You can be happy while sober but you have to decide to be happy no matter what.

awuh1

It sounds like you might be dealing with a bit of depression. You may have been using alcohol to relieve the condition. You might want to get an evaluation and see if this is the case. If it is, there are many effective treatments for it.

ScottFromWI

I'm at 6 months and feel the same way at times. However, i'm learning more and more that I am now more myself than I have been for a long time. The "drinking" me was not really me. And now i'm dealing with the issues and real life situations that I avoided by drinking. It's not easy, but then again no one ever said life was, right?

The one hard cold fact though, is that if you do drink things will get worse. So we basically have 2 options:

1. Go back to drinking and eventually lose everything. And it's not "IF" you will lose everything, it's "WHEN" you will lose everything.

2. Start dealing with our lives as we always should have. Seek assistance for not only our sobriety, but other mental and physical issues drinking helped us ignore. That could mean a new excersie and diet to help with our physical being. It could mean psychological help for depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. It could mean marriage/relationship counseling But the bottom line is that simply not drinking won't solve our problems - we need to proactively seek help and work to fix them. Drinking does not allow this to happen, period.

Dee74

I think there's two parts to recovery - one is not drinking and then there's being happy about it.

I wasn't happy for a long time and then I realised I was leading the same life I led as a drinker...just without the booze. It's little wonder I was unhappy.

Think about things you'd like to do...think about finding and making some sober friends...think about looking for some real life recovery support maybe?

Even just making a gratitude list can help. Volunteering was good for me too - got me out of the house, out of my own head, and I helped others - wins all round

awuh's suggestion about depression might be worth looking into too?

One thing I can guarantee is a drink will not solve any of your problems and you will regret it.

Whatever the solution is it's not going to be in a bottle....you've been there, done that.

D

Mizzuno

I have to ask what you may be angry about besides not being able to drink?
Why did you stop in the first place? I like to remind myself of my last drink. This may put things into perspective. I like all the suggestions that everyone gave. Try on a few. See if you feel better.

Pedro1234

Hi there InperfectlyMe Its ironic that i posted a similar post yesterday about how i am struggling at the moment and i am day 101 today. I wonder if it is just where we are at in our recovery at the moment. I think the 100 days has made me aware that i am in for the long haul and that i cant drink again. It has all become very real which is incredibly daunting..
I am searching at present for other methods of recovery to assist me moving forward as SR has been my only recovery tool to date. If all else fails and i don't improve over the next couple of days i am going to visit the Dr and seek some assistance/guidance.
Anyway i am posting this so you can see that your struggle at present is normal and part of the recovery process and that you are not alone. Please find a way to get through this other than taking a drink. Look for a solution! You have come so far and done so well. Dont throw away all that you have achieved this far

ImperfectlyMe

I can not thank you all enough for your support I forgot why I loved this site so much. Dee what you said about living the same life only sober is exactly where I am. Pedro glad you are still hanging in too! And yes the reality that this is reality has been sinking in! I know I still have work to do. Not drinking is the easy part for me. I guess I should consider professional support without feeling like a failure. I am going to be better about logging on here because this was my life line the first 80 days. Need to let go of the anger I feel about not drinking. The anger stems from a feeling if not having control of my actions. i feel as if i dont have free will. as messed up as that is. i get sngry at hubby when he points out thst i cant drink EVER. Thanks again all! I'm trying and glad to be back here

fantail

I hear you... I have days where I can't figure out what the point of life is supposed to be. Very broad, existential angst!

One thing I thought of reading your post... I think it's important to have some time to yourself to pursue a new interest. And regularly... several times a week. If you're taking care of kids all the time, you might not be doing this right now. I would really recommend it. Learning to enjoy spending time with myself has been one of the best parts of sobriety, and one of the biggest defenses against relapse. So if you haven't yet, maybe work out a time where your husband takes the kids and you take a class, or join a club, or something of that nature.

mecanix

another day done for you

sometimes it's a grind

stay strong & comitted

Bestwishes, m

doggonecarl

99 days I awesome. It is also very early in recovery.

When I was a teenager my dad sat me down and asked me what I want to do with my life, what did I want to be? I told him, "I just wanted to be happy."

He looked at me incredulously. Life isn't about being happy all the time, he told me. But I was determined, in some warped misunderstood Buddhist-like mindset, to make happiness my goal. And when I discovered drugs, I decided I had found it.

Forty years later, clean and sober, I know understand my dad's incredulity at someone saying they just want to be happy. Life isn't like that. There are many happy moments, many moments of incredible joy. But life is often hard, and bitter, and filled with challeges and despair. I wanted to bypass the hard times and tough emotions, and drugs--and later drink--was the short cut to being happy.

What a cruel lie I was telling myself. Being high and drunk, I was really cheating myself from the full spectrum of living. I was making my addiction happy, but making me miserable.

I see things differently. We all deserve happiness. But we aren't going to get it all the time. On the otherhand, we don't deserve to be miserable all the time. Most living is done between those two poles. Sobriety has allowed me to experience it. Recovery has given me the wisdom to deal with the unhappy times and relish the "happy" times because they truly are much rarer than I thought they'd be when I was 17.

I wish you the best. If you stay on the path of recovery I have no doubt you will experience much happiness in your life, as well as every other emotion and feeling, good and bad. And with new eyes. It's wonderful. Good luck.

lessgravity

For someone still struggling it's both an inspiration and a warning to read about your progress.

But in terms of everyone who continues to fight this fight and succeed - it seems to me that it's more than worth it for you to soldier on.

Freedom isn't free, I guess, right?

Stay strong and stay an inspiration.

ImperfectlyMe

Day 100 and trying to think positive I've given in way to much to my feelings of loss over not drinking. Time to pony up and quit acting like a baby I know I am my biggest obstacle need to change my thinking! I have no intentions of drinking so I need to quit romanticizing how blissful it would be. Thanks for all you comments I truely hear them. Day 100 is a fresh start to new thinking

BabyJane

"I think there's two parts to recovery - one is not drinking and then there's being happy about it."

- I couldn't agree with this more. If we get sober and nothing else in my life changes, its unlikely we will find much joy. The days I choose not to do the work of recovery I feel almost as bad as I did when I was out there using and drinking myself sick. The days I choose to do something different (a little meditation / reflection, reading, coming to SR or hitting a meeting, volunteer work, exercise and self care), I get different results. My emotional sobriety is another piece of the puzzle apparently. It's not that I think you're doing nothing, I certainly don't assume anything, but it seems like you might need to further work on changing some of the old thoughts and behaviors. It won't be easy but its worth it to keep trying out new things until you find what works better for you. And just remember that a drink WON'T help. I guarantee that.

Hang in there. I've been right where you are many times. I just kept trudging on. Things always change.

Dollyangel17

I know what you mean Imperfect. I feel the same way at times. I was sulking a bit the other day because we took our daughter for her first baseball game, and as I sat there in the 90+ degrees watching all those "lucky" people sip on their refreshing beers. Sometimes I get jealous that I can't drink and be "normal", but I try to remind myself of little things to help get me through those moments.

This time I had a refreshing ice cream cone, and relished in the knowledge that I wouldn't have dragon breath in the morning from stale booze smell:-)

PeacefulRain

The EXACT thing happened to me! It was my husband who said no more. After a little bit of time (I think it was 3 week) I started to drink behind his back though not nearly as much as I had used to drink. I was very resentful towards him and the fact that he makes decisions based on absolutely no facts in our daily lives (he's one of those people who reads something on the Internet so it MUST be true) which only fueled my flames.

I continued to drink for another year with a few more try's at sobriety. Just about every time he ticked me off I thought "I'll show you" and went out and drank. After a while I finally realized the ONLY person I was hurting was myself. Here I am giving sobriety another shot but this time for myself. I'm on day 31, the longest I've ever gone.

I hope you can get there because when the cravings come its much easier to say no because I don't want to vs. no because I can't. Many hugs!! We've missed you in the moms group.

wiscsober

Congratulations on Day 100. That is fantastic.

Events, thoughts, feelings, all too shall pass.

I've always took interest in your past posts. You have a lot to offer people.

Maybe get more in contact during the day with other like-minded women F2F or by phone.

Best to you always.