lessgravity

So some of you may have seen my posts going back a month or so, more really.

I had the opportunity last week of an empty house - a place to myself every night and I went on a bender. Nothing exciting, nuff said.

Now, that said, so much of AVRT has to do with the belief in the Big Plan. Knowing that I let my AV/beast take over and that I pracically indulged in it - how can I believe that I can adhere to by BP again?

I'm on day 3 today and definitely not drinking. Just don't feel as strong as I did last time.

Nonsensical

Been there, done that. Hang in there, Buddy.

doggonecarl

I'd say you really didn't have a big plan, so what's to adhere to? Drinking.

lessgravity

How long you been going strong there Non?

least

You may have to make some changes to your big plan. Seems the old one wasn't working too well. You can do this!

Nonsensical

A few weeks.

After I broke my BP I had a lot of questions in my head. I engaged in plenty of discussions about it here, many of which I still can't claim to fully grasp. The If you broke your BP, then you didn't really have a BP argument being one of those I still don't fully grasp.

The bottom line for me was that although I was disappointed that I hadn't attained the permanent abstinence I desired, AVRT is BY FAR the most effective tool I have found to keep me sober. I continue to use it, and I continue to look for any and all other options that might be helpful get me where I want to be. The consequences of failing to get there are far too horrifying to consider.

ScottFromWI

Regardless of your plan, whether its AA, AVRT or SR ( or anything else ), the key is commitment. Also, you need to clearly understand that drinking is NOT an option. In the past I know you've stated very vigorously that you don't agree with the notion of being powerless over alcohol. That being said, at some point you need to conceptualize that you cannot drink - ever...if you want to stay sober. How you do that is up to you of course, but until you let that fact sink in..you will constantly be tempted to try again and see if you can control/moderate your drinking.

ippochick

how long were you sober?

i too have the house to myself this week amd money in the bank. i'm hanging in there by the skin of my teeth and logging in here often.

glad to have you back. best of luck.

lessgravity

Ippo - I could go back and count but it was almost 3 weeks or so.

Non - yeah that's definitely one of the phrases that doesn't get to me.

Gotta keep on keeping on.

This phrase working for me today =
"There are no short-cuts to living a life worth living."

ippochick

the support is here, and i'm glad you're back.

lessgravity

Ippo - how's it been for you?

ippochick

to be honest, i do feel at a slight 'advantage', in that i'm already under the care of a mental health team after a breakdown last year. it means i can more easily access professional help, like the intensive group therapy i start next week. i have a GP, a Community Psychiatric Nurse, a psychiatrist, a psychotherapist, an alcohol keyworker and this upcoming therapy program.

of course, fragile mental health also means that on despondent days, all i want to do is drink the hurt away. thing is, my rock bottom really was the last chance saloon. i thought i'd lost my daughter to her dad, and i thought my husband would leave me. i drank for 72 hours, and it nearly killed me. it was the realisation that i could have lost everything that made me resolve to quit, once and for all.

i have to be sober. i hold myself accountable, and posting here helps with that. i have no secrets now. being an active, secretive alcoholic and nearing the end of the line is exhausting.

but it really is one day at a time. i'm still resentful that i can't drink. i need to learn how to live with it.

wow. wall of text. sorry!

lessgravity

Ippo - no wall of text to me.

Your strength is another inspiration on this forum.

Thank you for it.