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D3 after a harsh reality check. What to tell to family and friends, though?...



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D3 after a harsh reality check. What to tell to family and friends, though?...

Old 07-15-2013, 05:00 AM
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Red face D3 after a harsh reality check. What to tell to family and friends, though?...

Hi all, I'm totally new to this, having made my big decision of abstinence just 3 days ago! This followed some crazy home binges in the evening and regular, increasing drinking overall for the past 5 weeks. I just don't want this anymore, it makes me feel so guilty, weak and rubbish (though I don't actually get hungovers!). Moderation... I tried so many times but when I have 1, I want 2,3,4, etc. I can't stop myself to the point we decided to not have any alcohol in the house, though with a lot of party leftovers at ours recently, I really went for it this last month and felt terrible for it.

I've really had enough and, reading the posts here, I realise the answer is probably to cut it out from my life entirely. My husband understands and is really supportive, I have great friends, a fab career and 3 gorgeous kids, so hopefully I will find lots of opportunities to distract myself from the cravings (I get so cranky and edgy from 5pm) and focus on the natural excitement that life provides?

My problem is that I am going to my parents' house for a week's holiday with the kids next month and I normally drink quite a lot there for different reasons... This time I won't and they will ask me why (or think I'm pregnant?!). My mum will probably guess actually, but I feel embarrassed and also I don't want her to worry about me or think I've been hiding my problems from her for a while. That would probably hurt her feelings too. My dad may think I'm being a drama queen or else :-(

Should I be honest or try and avoid the subject and buy time until it's not so much a burning subject?...

CONFUSED AND NERVOUS ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW - THANKS FOR YOU HELP AND EXPERIENCE!
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Old 07-15-2013, 05:03 AM
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When I got sober, it was my business. People were judging me by my actions and not my intentions, so I didn't mention it. When people "asked" why I wasn't drinking, I said because I didn't want to right now, thanks.

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Old 07-15-2013, 05:09 AM
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Well for me; I have to say; I have been drinking for 29 years so THEY knew there were issues and I just flat out told them; I am getting sober .. They all have been very supportive of me
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Old 07-15-2013, 05:15 AM
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Do you feel you owe an explanation to your parents?

I think, as an adult, you can make your own choices for your own good. A simple, 'No thanks' should do. If pushed further, you don't need to respond. A big part of early recovery for me was taking back my power. I had lost myself and it was important to me to make decisions for myself.
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Old 07-15-2013, 05:26 AM
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Thanks for that Anna. Good point actually. It's not really that I owe them an explanation but I am really close to my mum and I'd feel like I'd be telling lies in a way and perhaps missing out on what could be valuable support?... If that makes sense. I'm just confused and need to think about that some more it seems. Argh, that's hard!
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Old 07-15-2013, 05:42 AM
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Welcome Now1000!
I experienced some anxiety about what to tell my family too. We're close and I don't want to lie so I've been telling them that I'm trying to be healthier, and it's true because I am getting lots healthier by quitting drinking. What's more, I'm walking more as a way to distract myself from the urges and it works well for me. And guess what? Now my family is thinking about cutting back on booze and getting healthier too, soit's a win-win for everyone. Congrats on day 3! I'm a mom too and quitting is the best thing I've done for me and my child.

June
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Old 07-15-2013, 06:01 AM
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I think a lot can be said in a simple "Drinking wasn't healthy for me, so I've decided not to anymore". I don't think you owe any explanations, I'm also of the camp that this is totally your business.. but if you're inclined to at least say something, maybe something like that would provide enough of an explanation while not lying about why you aren't drinking or spilling your entire alcoholism story on anyone..
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Old 07-15-2013, 07:30 AM
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i have 30 days tomorrow and have started to tell a few friends the truth. as far as nyone else goes, the doctor changed up my meds so i've had to stop 'for a while'.

what you choose to tell is up to you. i waited until i was a little more secure in my sobriety before opening up to anyone apart from my husband and sister.

well done on 3 days!!
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Old 07-15-2013, 09:18 AM
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It's up to you whether or not you tell them. You could just say you gave it up for your health, that's certainly true.
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Old 07-15-2013, 10:43 AM
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Seeing Chinese character, I think we share some background.
With my mom, I don't lie but I am very careful in selecting piece of truth to her.
is this similar to lying?
I don't think so because I know her too well. I don't want my problem to haunting inside her!
it's true when I'm telling her that "I'm going to get healthier." with the face "this time I mean it!!!!!!"
I would give her a confirmation hug and start talking about food for this is the topic that she would best be a part of my healthier plan.
All the best for your.
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Old 07-15-2013, 10:52 AM
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You don't have to confide in anyone, if you don't want to. Maybe over time you'll figure out how to approach it, but there's no rush. What works for everyone else may not work for you. Personally, I only told 1 person and then just made it all up to me to handle the situation. I don't want to give anyone bad advice but leaving it all up to me, to sink or swim, helped. I didn't want to risk people holding my hand and prolonging it, if that makes sense. List out the pros and cons and work from there. You'll do what's best for you.
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Old 07-16-2013, 11:57 AM
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Thanks everyone, it helps! I've chosen to go for the 'health improvement' explanation, which is indeed very true. Turns out my dad has just started a diet and is cutting down all alcohol as part of it, so my new behavior will be very supportive of his own goals... a win win!
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Old 07-16-2013, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Now1000 View Post
but I am really close to my mum and I'd feel like I'd be telling lies in a way and perhaps missing out on what could be valuable support?...
I too am very close with my mom...and she was the first person I told. I had no idea how much she had worried about be the day previous when I had got so drunk and she saw it. I only recently discovered that her and my dad went to the bar I had been at to see if I was there.

I didn't want to make a "thing" out of it. For whatever reason I was feeling fairly confident in my decision to stop drinking. I saw the look of worry in her eyes and I told her "mom, you can stop worrying about me now...those days are gone". I asked that she not tell anyone else about my decision. Don't know if she did..and I have only recently started talking about it to more family myself...as my confidence grows I guess.

I'm not fond of the term "recovering alcoholic"...I don't use it (not that I am not one) but I feel like it's too much information to people. It's like introducing the man in my life as "my lover"...lol..don't like that either..again, TMI... as it conjures up mental pictures or something. Somebody on this site coined the term "soberist". I like that one as it doesn't bring to mind my past..but instead my future..that I'm facing life head on. It feels positive. I want to be defined by my present..not my past.
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Old 07-16-2013, 01:52 PM
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That's great, Now1000! Here's to a healthier future for all of us!

Welcome, NoSelf! I also don't want my problem haunting my mom. If she worries about me, I worry about her.

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Old 07-16-2013, 03:31 PM
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Welcome Now1000

When I started recovery I assumed everyone took my drinking as seriously as I did...I had great essays of explanation ready...

the fact is most people didn't care if I drank or not, a lot more people knew very well why I stopped too.

The only people who I had trouble with were those who expected me to drink with them, and a simple no thanks works there too

D
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Old 07-17-2013, 01:39 AM
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Brilliant, thanks for that, it is really reassuring to hear. I do find myself quite self-absorbed with the topic but you're right, others don't actually care that much :-)
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