So upset...:-(
 

I posted this on our moms thread, but thought I would here too so I could get feedback from you all:

Beyond pissed right now!

Yesterday I went to the gym, and afterwards I went to meet my cousin like I often to at a restaurant near us. We are close and get together almost every week to chat. As close as we are though, I haven't told her about the real reason I quit...she thinks its just to lose weight. Aside from my husband, nobody knows.

Well when I left for the gym, I was stressed about my daughter misbehaving, and my husband knew it. I went home and he left for work. I called him for a household reason shortly after he left, and I could tell he was on the phone. When he called back a few minutes later I asked him who he was talking to and he told me his friend.

Now I have been married to this man for 14 years, and I knew he was lying. When I looked at his phone this morning, I could see he had actually been on the phone with my cousin. Now, I know my husband, and I know my cousin....I in no way think anything is going on there inappropriately, but I am wondering if out of concern he was trying to find out if I drank while I was with her.

If he told her about my alcoholism....I will be even more pissed!!!! I am already pissed he is talking to people about me behind my back, but my drinking problem is my business to share...I don't care if it was out if concern for me or not.

I am going to give him a few days to tell me about it, and if he doesn't, I will ask him point blank.

Thanks for letting me vent:-(

Hi I wouldn't wait for a few days as you will get even more cross. If he has confided in her it could be just to get her support as he has seen you drinking and he's concerned. I would ask him straight out ..

Hi. I sense anger that we alcoholics should avoid at all costs as it's probably the biggest reasons for going out. In AA it's called HALT. Being Hungry, Angry, Lonely are very detrimental to our well being especially for newly sober folks. BE WELL

I just wish he had talked to me first. Like..."Hon, I saw how you were stressing, and I was worried it might lead you to drink." That wouldn't have upset me, even though I had no desire at all yesterday, even being stressed....I would have understood his asking.

I wouldn't wait either.

Have you made it clear to your husband that this is a very personal thing for you? I did that with my husband and I would have been very upset had he talked to someone else about it behind my back. Bottom line, honesty and trust are essential in marriage.

I agree, speak to him now, but try and keep calm. We sometimes expect others to know exactly how we think or feel without actually telling them, so he may genuinely not know what It means to you to keep your sobriety to yourself just now. He may also of found a way to check on you without actually letting on to your cousin. Is there a reason he might not trust you? If so it may take time for him to believe you, but the more you all to each other about your concerns and fears, the closer you can grow.

I have made it clear. I quit right before his family came to visit, and he swore he wouldn't tell them anything...."that it is your business to share!"

I am going to ask him, because you are right...it will fester and I will just get more angry:-(

No reason to not trust me since I quit, I haven't relapsed.

I quit when he confronted me, which I understood, and never got upset with him, so there is no reason for him to think he couldn't ask me.

Perhaps he didn't want you to feel undermined but went about it in all the wrong way. Hey no use second guessing, asks and see keep calm and good luck!

Is there a possibility that he was speaking to your cousin for a totally innocent reason? Do you have any birthdays or something special coming up? Maybe he is planning a party, or maybe he wants to buy you a present and was consulting with your cousin?

Just a thought. <shrug>

No birthdays or reasons for presents/ parties...so I doubt it.

Hi Dolly,

Our addiction can cause much frustration for our families. I had asked my daughter not to tell anyone about my drinking especially my mom and brother. She ended up telling them because she needed someone to talk to about it. I felt bad about it because when she told me she had she looked absolutely terrified!

During one of our conselling sessions she stated that she felt it was her "dirty little secret" and she just couldn't keep it to herself. Looking back I really had no right to put her in that position. Yes, it is my problem, but my problem was affecting her also.

This is just another perspective, I'm not judging your situation at all. This is just what my daughter had to do to keep her sanity.

It seems to me that addiction (alcoholism or substance abuse) thrives on secrecy--for the whole family. No one can talk about it outside the immediate family, ever! Speaking from personal experience on the other side of this equation, that can be an overwhelming burden for the family member or loved one.

Perhaps they were not talking about you at all.

I can run 100 scenarios though my mind based upon assumptions that may not even be true. Now that I am sober, I find it better to just ask someone up front. It saves me the pain of stewing and building a resentment which can lead to some pretty hairy emotions and trouble for myself.

Yup it sure does. I was embarrassed about it and ashamed and I manipulated her because I am her mother and I knew I could make her feel bad about "not protecting me". Thank god she is smarter than her mother!

What's worse is even admitting here that that is why I did it!

Hi Dolly,
I know that for me the only way for me to find out where someone's head is at is to just come out and talk to them. After I cool down from running the 100 scenarios through my head most of which none were accurate anyway.

Nobody is perfect and people do goofy stuff sometimes. I try not to forget what I put others through and most of them were pretty understanding and even forgiving. I got a break here and there so I should probably follow suit.

It may be my business who I tell I have a problem to but I kind of made it a lot of other people's business the day I drug them into my sh**. Especially those who live with me and I don't recall me paying to much attention to what they asked or needed from me when I was drinking.

I'm just saying it always works better for me to just vent in a safe place before I go dragging my anger into any conversation.

Just like you did! Come on here and let all the anger out and think through it a little. Nice job!

Hi Dolly, I posted a response on the Mom's thread, but just wanted to agree with the others on having the discussion with your hubby ASAP. Hope it goes well!

Hi Ladybug....I am going to ask him tonight.

I don't want to stew on this any longer.

Why would you look at his phone and invade his privacy? Unless he is having an affair and you want to document it for divorce purpose, who he talks to on the phone is his business not yours.
Remember that you breached HIS privacy too if it turns out he breached yours.

I lied to my spouse a thousand times about drinking and quitting. When I became serious about sobriety I did not understand why she did not trust me. I have learned that trust is something that is earned not demanded. You may wish to consider how lucky you are to have a husband who is stuck with you through years of alcoholism and the only thing he did was in concern for you.