rdhgirl

Hello all -

This is my first post here, and I am hoping that this site is an avenue for me to release frustration/hurt/fear and to maybe find some advice for my situation. It is always good to have people you can talk to who know what you are going through. I will give you my story.

I am 29 years old. I have a gorgeous 4 year old son with an ex boyfriend, and I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with my current boyfriend. This pregnancy happened very fast, and very unexpected. My boyfriend and I (although I have known him since childhood) were only dating for a month when I became pregnant. When we started dating, he had just completed a 28 day inpatient program for his heroin addiction (among other drugs). I really wasn't aware of how severe his problem was/is until a few weeks into the relationship and I attempted to break it off. It wasn't long after I found out I was pregnant. Now I am terrified of the future for myself and my kids. My boyfriend is a wonderful person, with a horrible disease. He is currently away again for a 28 day inpatient program - somewhere that is highly renowned - so I have hope in it. He has completed two programs before, and has walked out of 2 other ones in the past. He has been addicted to drugs for almost 10 years (although it didn't start with heroin of course). He has never done what he was supposed to after leaving inpatient - he doesn't go to NA/AA meetings, or spend much time towards his recovery which always led to a relapse. He also always refused any extended after care. This time, he is open to going to a sober living home/halfway house after he completes his treatment. He will complete the 28 days at the end of July. His concern is going to a halfway house will mean he most likely won't be home around the time our son is born -since most places want at minimum, a 3 month commitment. That puts him at the end of October, and I am due mid-Oct. They also want him to be at a halfway house that is hours and hours away from home to reduce the risk of him using. As it is, he is 4 hours away. I am trying my best to not be selfish in my thoughts -of course, I wish he could just come home after these 28 days and be well. Realistically - I know that comes with a huge risk. I keep telling myself that him being away for my pregnancy, and even possibly the birth and beginning of our childs life is FAR superior to him coming home, relapsing, and overdosing. He has overdosed several times, unfortunately. His counselor has told him that she predicts if he used again, she would give him 3 days to live. Terrifying for us both to hear but I believe her. He has done a lot of damage to his body. I guess my question for all here is how to cope with him being gone during this important time? I know that I need to encourage him to go to a sober living home, even though it makes me sad. I don't want him to sense my reservations so please help me to feel positive in this decision so I can relay it to him. Thank you so much for reading my story!!!

FreeDance

Hi rdhgirl,

Someone very close to me is a heroin addict, too. The hardest thing is that you can't help him -- all you can do is take care of yourself and your children.

You mentioned that you "attempted" to break off the relationship, then discovered you were pregnant. Whatever the reasons for wanting to break it off, it seems to me they might have doubled with your pregnancy -? Just a thought.

Heroin is a terrible, terrible drug -- a lethal disease. It is very difficult for addicts to stay clean, and while they are using they are not themselves -- they are their addiction, walking and talking, lying and stealing, whatever it takes.

The sober living situation is a good step-down where he will have important structure. While he is in these early stages of recovery, he might not be able to meet your needs as a supportive partner and father. That doesn't mean he doesn't care.

Whatever you decide about your relationship, it's healthy for you to detach to the extent that you stay focused on your life and your needs, no matter what. Is there a Nar-Anon meeting near you? I highly recommend it if you can find one. There's also a friends/family board here that could offer you support.

I feel for you! Take care.

sugarbear1

Keep those children away from those drugs, kids get curious....I once taught the son of a couple I had met in recovery; his ingesting the dope was not even the reason they got clean.....

Get to Naranon or Al Anon and create an in person support network.

I wish you well

rdhgirl

Thank you for your responses. FreeDance - I did end the relationship once I realized the extent of his addiction. We hadn't been together very long, and frankly, it was more than I wanted to take on at the time. But realizing I was pregnant, I have such a strong desire for my son to have a healthy father. I have told him over and over that our relationship isn't as important to me as his with his son - but ONLY if he is sober. That leads me to respond to sugarbear1. The drugs have never been anywhere near my 4 year old son, or even myself. He has not once done them while with me - and anytime he has shown up high or under the influence he was asked to leave. I will give myself credit where credit is due, and I know that I have never allowed him to use near us. My son loves him, and only knows him when he isn't using. There have been many times (too many) that he arrived at my house, and wasn't let in the door. Terrified me to ask him to leave, not knowing if he would overdose that time. But I still did it - and I still would. My children are number one in my world - and that is part of the reason I don't just "walk away". He is in treatment right now - that is the only reason I am still trying to be a supportive person in his life. He is very well aware that I will not help him in his addiction, only in his recovery. His counselors have even commended me for doing the right thing. I am doing my best to heal on my own, and realize that nothing I can do will help him. I intellectually know that, but it is hard to make peace with it in your heart. I am so scared of my unborn son not having a father - whether its because I won't let him around due to him continuing in his addiction, being in jail, or dead. My first son has a wonderful father, and I am hating that there may not be the same for my second. Am I wrong for supporting him if he is making the right decisions towards recovery? such as choosing inpatient programs, and then a sober living home?

Also- I have searched high and low for Nar-anon meetings in my area. I haven't been able to locate a single one that is less than an hour away. I live in the middle of nowhere!

Dee74

welcome to SR rdhgirl

This place is full of people who've turned their lives around - although my drug was alcohol, I'm one of them

Your kids deserve the best dad your partner can be, and you deserve the best partner.
Doing all the work required to stay clean is part of that I think.

I'm sorry it's tough on you, but I hope your partner will run with the chances he's been given, give it all he's got, and turn his life around

Having said that, and without wanting to bring you down, noone knows how this will play out.

I think FreeDances advice is sound...find your own support network, and set yourself up with a degree of independence...you and your kids deserve that kind of forward planning just in case things do not go the way you want them to.

D

least

to the family! I'm glad you found us and joined us.

rdhgirl

Thank you for the encouragement! I am happy to see you are in recovery! That gives me hope, which is all I have anymore-
That and prayer. I appreciate your input, and I am doing my best to balance being a positive influence on him, while not letting him bring me down. It is so hard when you love someone to just act like you don't care.