hopelatcher

I wake up with injuries all over my body and have no recollection of what happened...

I have lingering permanent injuries that were caused by alcohol and are a stark reminder of the negative effect it has

Yet like an addict I keep going back..

I keep drinking

One poisonous drink at a time

Stuck in this vicious cycle that lures and tricks you into the evil of alcohol

Tempting me with the thought process 'Just a few drinks, you'll be fine'

But I wont

and once I have it's already too late

Like a con artist, it tricks me with its lure and confidence

And once I bite it's got me where it's wanted

Latching onto my soul and destroying it piece by piece

...

Yet I keep going back

I want to defeat this evil

But I lack the self control
the self discipline

My addictive personality wants this escape

Wants the alcohol to 'feel good'

I feel trapped

How come I cant stop?

How come I keep going back to something that is going to kill me?

Just wanted to say something, thanks for listening

Lightning Bug

Very well said, hope. Welcome to SR.
I am sure we can all relate to your story.

Louise82

Welcome to SR, hopelatcher. You describe the nature of addiction very well. I can relate to the feeling of a vicious cycle and feeling like I have a lack of self-discipline and self-control. However, I'm beginning to realise that addiction is a biological, psychological, emotional condition that has no bearing on our character or on how strong we are. None of us here put their hand up at birth and said "oh yeah, I'd love to be an alcoholic/addict".

I'm glad you're ready to stop and to build a new life for yourself. By joining SR and posting, you've already taken steps towards reaching out for help and that's fantastic. Read around the forums, keep posting and you'll find that are so many people here who have felt as you feel, but by reaching out for help and committing themselves to recovery are now living lives that they could never have imagined themselves living when they were at the bottom of the pit.

Many people here have gotten and stayed sober with the help of a recovery program, method, technique or other recovery actions. For example, I'm in AA but there's also counselling/therapy, AVRT, Rational Recovery, LifeRing, SOS, SMART...keep reading these forums and asking questions and you'll find a mine of information on all these things and more.

NatalieN

Thanks for writing this.

"Tempting me with the thought process 'Just a few drinks, you'll be fine'"

This is the crux of the matter IMHO, once I discovered a way to change my thought process, everything else followed and the cravings became manageable until they disappeared.

You must find a way to change the wiring in your brain that leads you down the same path time and time again. Change is not possible unless neural pathways are altered. Research this subject and choose a way to go about it as there are more than one.

I chose mindfulness since I am not religious and for the first time know in my heart of hearts that alcoholism is one battle I will never have to fight again. Every other approach I tried before mindfulness failed me.

Find what works for you and pursue that with half the energy and enthusiasm you have for the booze. You will not regret it.

Best wishes to you.

Natalie

wpainterw

I've been right where you are and I have just put up a post on this on another thread. What I said there applies to this, namely what made me stop. I really don't know. Maybe it was the certainty that if I didn't stop I would not live more than a year or so and that I would die painfully. A nurse said she'd watched folks die from liver cirrhosis and that she'd choose cancer any old day over that. Maybe this got my attention. Worse than cancer. Dying is one thing. Dying very painfully is quite another.

W.

visch1

I found as suggestions like above that a lot of success is dependent upon getting honest with ourselves, surrender, not picking up the first drink so we don't have to try to get sober AGAIN and for me many AA meetings. Some can't and or won't do for themselves what is necessary and continue with their miserable lives losing so much. What we thought of as fun is serious stuff with disastrous results if we continue. BE WELL

Sasha4

Have you had your injuries checked out by a medic?
What kind of injuries do you have?

I think you deserve a better existence than this friend.

xx

Hevyn

I was the same way hopelatcher. Welcome to the family.

For me, I always sought the old euphoric feeling I once got from it. When I came to SR I'd been drinking almost 30 yrs. The fun that it had been was long gone - it only brought me danger and misery in the end. I hope you're considering letting go of this thing that means to kill you. We are all here to listen - and help you have a better life.

Grungehead

You have just described the cycle of addiction that traps us. It has nothing to do with a lack of self-discipline or willpower. What we lack is the ability to control our drinking / using once we put that first drink / drug into our body. I don't see addiction as a moral issue but a mental obsession with alcohol / drugs. Once we put it into our body many of us process the drug / drink differently than "normal" people. The more we use the more we want, while in normal people the more they use the less they want. Most of us reach the point that we know it is bad for us and we sincerely want to stop but we can't. The key is to break the cycle, and that starts with focusing on the mental obsession. There are a number of different recovery methods that help us do that, but the bottom line is that we have to learn how to avoid taking that first drug / drink.

I know that for me, once I take the first drink I have absolutely no idea how many I will consume. Some days I may be able to control how many drinks I have or I might even be able to use willpower to abstain all together. But it is like Russian roulette with me, I never know which time I will lose my control or my willpower will fail me. The only thing that works for me is learning to change the way I think about most everything in my life. I drank for a long time and my way of thinking is really messed up (nice way of putting it). I can't expect to just remove the alcohol and become well, I need to relearn how to think and deal with life without alcohol.

alphaomega

You ARE an addict. And it's ok. We are too.

The addiction has zero control over you if you just don't use.

One sip, and the control is gone.

Dee74

Welcome hopelatcher

My various falls and injuries nearly killed me...I'm glad I stopped that cycle.
You can too - I'm glad you found us

D

MIRecovery

AA worked for me when all else failed. Your best thinking got you to where you are maybe it is time to try something new

Gottalife

Lack of power is your dilemna. AA is about connecting you with a power that will solve your problems. Obviously it will be a power greater than you addiction, which in itself is a power greater than you.