Sobriety causing problems in my marriage??! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 07-13-2013, 01:26 AM   #1 (permalink)

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Sobriety causing problems in my marriage??!

So I never in a million years thought me giving up the drink could actually cause problems in my marriage.

Its so weird, my husband always hated my drinking and it really brought us together when I first quit. My husband was super supportive and really glad I had quit, especially as the final reason was partly to do with how I had treated him on a drunken night and out of respect for my marriage I decided enough was enough.

So now 6 months on, life is stressful - the usual work, money, family busy busy busy and my husband himself wants to go out and let his hair down to deal with the stress, using drink and cocaine. I would previously had celebrated this fact - brilliant! A buddy to get trollied with, what fun!

But now I don't want to its causing a wedge between us. To the point where he has started lying to me about doing it and planning to do it behind my back.

We had such a horrible row last night I feel so ****.

I never knew this would happen, it's always me that's been the problem drinker and now I feel like I'm battling against his addiction as well as my own,

My marriage is so important to me, he's my number 1, but I don't know how to cope with this

:-( :-(
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Old 07-13-2013, 02:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi again too much

Do you think it's driving a wedge between you because you feel resentful or abandoned or jealous....or because you feel he has a problem too?

I think it's important to work that out.

Have you talked to your husband and communicated how you feel?

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Old 07-13-2013, 02:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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What a tough situation! I'm not sure what to say except to remember that your own sobriety has to be #1. Ultimately you can't control what he does. Influence perhaps, but you can only control yourself. Tossing someone a life preserver is one thing, drowning with them another.

Hopefully someone will have some better advice than I do...
I realized I could probably go on drinking like this for maybe two or three more years, or live for another two or three decades...but not both. Suddenly the choice became crystal clear.
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Old 07-13-2013, 04:27 AM   #4 (permalink)

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Wow, a really difficult problem. It seems as if your husband has an addiction problem also. They teach in AlAnon that you cannot be responsible for other's behavior or control them. Keeping yourself sober will be the best way to help him, but no one can until he sees that he has a problem and gets to the point where he is ready to get help. Hang in there and do not give in to the temptation to join him, the temptation will be VERY strong, but if you fail, you both will be worse off. Hopefully he will one day recognize his problem and seek help.
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Old 07-13-2013, 07:54 AM   #5 (permalink)

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"Sobriety causing problems in my marriage??! " From what I've seen in relationships people cause problems. Often the problems have been there a long time and are just surfacing. Often counseling will help. BE WELL
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Old 07-13-2013, 09:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I think a lot of times alcohol is like the third partner in relationships, and when it gets booted, the dynamics of the relationship can change in HUGE ways...everything has to be reshuffled and resosrted. Sometimes the booze was like a referee and sometimes it was the problem child, and many time a little of both.

I thought getting sober was going to help my marriage...surprise surprise!

Like any big life change, there will be a shakedown. Many people find marital therapy helpful
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Old 07-13-2013, 10:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I'm sorry toomuch what a rotten deal.

Back in 2000 I got sober for over 6 years and I thought it would work miracles too but my partner just used it as an excuse to have affairs, etc. I'd be home sober and working on myself, lol, and he'd be out. He was completely happy with my sobriety as he knew right where I was and he could do as he pleased. I hope this sort of crap isn't what is going on with you. I doubt it is, but it is a side of sobriety in relationships that is seldom mentioned as the alcoholic or addict is always the one demonized.

I guess it's time for an honest conversation?

Your decision to get sober is the right one you know . Great job. Best wishes to you.
If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they go. ~Will Rogers

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Old 07-13-2013, 10:28 AM   #8 (permalink)

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Your sobriety is not causing the problem. His drinking to excess and using cocaine is causing a problem. Be clear on the actual's easier to come up with a good solution that way.
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