Confusing Alcoholic Pattern
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London
Posts: 1
Confusing Alcoholic Pattern
I came into AA 4 years ago when I realised that things were out of control. I had a binge that went on for about 4 days of drinking morning, noon and night. In the end I was paranoid, restless, sweating, shaking, physically in pain but mentally in an even worse place.
I stayed sober for a few months and then thought that perhaps I didnt need AA and that I could drink like a normal person. I believed that a couple of sober months was all I needed to clear my head.
This wasn't the case and within a week the blackouts were back and the drinking increased. Since then I have been in and out of AA for 4 years getting only around 6 weeks sober time each period. Each time I start drinking again I believe that I can drink like a normal person.
My main reason for believing this is because when I have had a month or so off the booze my 1st night of drinking seems to be fine, I go to bed thinking 'this time I have cracked it, I CAN stop when I want'. So how can I be an alcoholic if I have managed to control it for one night?
The next day I will start drinking in the early afternoon which will result in blackout and just being unable to stop for a full 4 days of extremely heavy drinking until I physically cant take any more and Im back to the withdrawal again which takes up to a week before I start to feel better.
Everyone I hear sharing seems to share that as soon as they relapse they are back to where they were before after the first drink.
I guess I'm reaching out to see if anyone relates to this. I'm Sober for 84 days now doing a meeting everyday..
I stayed sober for a few months and then thought that perhaps I didnt need AA and that I could drink like a normal person. I believed that a couple of sober months was all I needed to clear my head.
This wasn't the case and within a week the blackouts were back and the drinking increased. Since then I have been in and out of AA for 4 years getting only around 6 weeks sober time each period. Each time I start drinking again I believe that I can drink like a normal person.
My main reason for believing this is because when I have had a month or so off the booze my 1st night of drinking seems to be fine, I go to bed thinking 'this time I have cracked it, I CAN stop when I want'. So how can I be an alcoholic if I have managed to control it for one night?
The next day I will start drinking in the early afternoon which will result in blackout and just being unable to stop for a full 4 days of extremely heavy drinking until I physically cant take any more and Im back to the withdrawal again which takes up to a week before I start to feel better.
Everyone I hear sharing seems to share that as soon as they relapse they are back to where they were before after the first drink.
I guess I'm reaching out to see if anyone relates to this. I'm Sober for 84 days now doing a meeting everyday..
Every Mother's Worst Nightmare
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Deep in the heart of LaLa land
Posts: 688
Exactly the same as you. Exactly except the length of time around AA/NA was ten years.
You will end up back in the same place every time. Ive spent inordinate amounts of time saying to myself "see? I can do it.". Often Ive held on to that normality for weeks before the inevitable plunge. But you can break the inevitability. You can do it. This time I've broken each and every cycle/trigger call it what you will. This time I've used what I felt was good for me rather than what I was told was good for me. I go to meetings when I want to. I come on here when I need a kick up the ass. I talk to friends in and out of the "program."
But I've taken ownership of my sobriety for the first time. It's my sobriety. I'm doing it for me and nobody else. I choose not to pick up and not to use. I'm six months now. It's working so far and it works for me. You may be different.
You will end up back in the same place every time. Ive spent inordinate amounts of time saying to myself "see? I can do it.". Often Ive held on to that normality for weeks before the inevitable plunge. But you can break the inevitability. You can do it. This time I've broken each and every cycle/trigger call it what you will. This time I've used what I felt was good for me rather than what I was told was good for me. I go to meetings when I want to. I come on here when I need a kick up the ass. I talk to friends in and out of the "program."
But I've taken ownership of my sobriety for the first time. It's my sobriety. I'm doing it for me and nobody else. I choose not to pick up and not to use. I'm six months now. It's working so far and it works for me. You may be different.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
to SR! Yeah, every time I relapsed it was as if I'd never stopped drinking at all. I was right back to where I'd left off.
You can do this.
We're here to listen and support you. Come here often and post instead of drinking.Congrats on 84 days sober!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Seems to me like you've described a rather common alcoholic pattern. And yes -it's confusing!
In a way, it's to be expected, though. Once you're addicted to alcohol part of your own brain is betraying you. It will tell you anything to get more alcohol. When you have a voice in your head telling you to get alcohol - even though YOU KNOW it's the last thing you need - it's darned confusing. It is for me, anyway.
Best of Luck!
In a way, it's to be expected, though. Once you're addicted to alcohol part of your own brain is betraying you. It will tell you anything to get more alcohol. When you have a voice in your head telling you to get alcohol - even though YOU KNOW it's the last thing you need - it's darned confusing. It is for me, anyway.
Best of Luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Congrats on 84 days, Keep coming back!
I tried AA once before. I was sober for 5 1/2 months and then relapsed for nine years. I can't really say if I drank more right away but I did over the years. What I drank nine years ago would not have lasted me a day right before I quit. It is progressive. I continued to chase the drunk that I could no longer achieve.
For me I could not get through my head that the first drink got me drunk as I wanted to get drunk. That was my goal. In some ways I feel odd. Many make comments that they did not want to get drunk, I did.
That is the part I had to admit to first. That I wanted to get drunk, plain and simple. I never felt bad about getting drunk. I may have felt bad about things I did and said while drunk but not at the drunk itself. Not sure if that makes any sense.
For me to make any changes I had to stop wanting to get drunk and the solution was staring right at me. The first drink gets me drunk. If I don't have that first drink, I won't get drunk. It was just as plain and simple as me drinking to get drunk.
I am powerless over alcohol. If I drink it, I will get drunk. I will want to achieve the same goal I always have. My goal, when it comes to drinking, has not changed and it is not going to change. Being an alcoholic made my goal very easy. It would take work for a normal drinker to accomplish getting drunk everyday of the week.
The hard part came after that. Why? Why did I want to get drunk? What lays underneath. That is were the AA program and the steps come in for me. I am still learning and I have a long way to go but I do it one day at time.
I tried AA once before. I was sober for 5 1/2 months and then relapsed for nine years. I can't really say if I drank more right away but I did over the years. What I drank nine years ago would not have lasted me a day right before I quit. It is progressive. I continued to chase the drunk that I could no longer achieve.
For me I could not get through my head that the first drink got me drunk as I wanted to get drunk. That was my goal. In some ways I feel odd. Many make comments that they did not want to get drunk, I did.
That is the part I had to admit to first. That I wanted to get drunk, plain and simple. I never felt bad about getting drunk. I may have felt bad about things I did and said while drunk but not at the drunk itself. Not sure if that makes any sense.
For me to make any changes I had to stop wanting to get drunk and the solution was staring right at me. The first drink gets me drunk. If I don't have that first drink, I won't get drunk. It was just as plain and simple as me drinking to get drunk.
I am powerless over alcohol. If I drink it, I will get drunk. I will want to achieve the same goal I always have. My goal, when it comes to drinking, has not changed and it is not going to change. Being an alcoholic made my goal very easy. It would take work for a normal drinker to accomplish getting drunk everyday of the week.
The hard part came after that. Why? Why did I want to get drunk? What lays underneath. That is were the AA program and the steps come in for me. I am still learning and I have a long way to go but I do it one day at time.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I found it easier once i admited to myself i cant drink like a "normal" person .
After i have a drink , just one , self control evaporates eventually , it sometimes takes a bit of time .. one min , one hour , one day , one month .. but eventually like a dam , the small crack and flow turns into a torrent and floods me .
It kinda washed out at least 10 of my life , i don't know what consequences that drinking will have had on my future health .
If i pick up another drink i know i will be wasting the time of my life , afteral the best time is now, it's all we've got
Bestwishes, m
After i have a drink , just one , self control evaporates eventually , it sometimes takes a bit of time .. one min , one hour , one day , one month .. but eventually like a dam , the small crack and flow turns into a torrent and floods me .
It kinda washed out at least 10 of my life , i don't know what consequences that drinking will have had on my future health .
If i pick up another drink i know i will be wasting the time of my life , afteral the best time is now, it's all we've got
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
I identify too much! I bounced in AA for 2 years rejecting a lot of what I heard. I disliked step 2 as I wasn't insane. Then someone pointed out my insane actions in regards to drinking and I admitted at that point I could not drink in safety. I still believe that 30+ years later. BEWELL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I had the same type of thing too that I could "learn" to handle drinking the "right" way. The reality for me I FINALLY learned, is that I am an alcoholic and therefore I will NEVER be able to drink like other people do. The way my body and brain processes alcohol is different. Support like AA and SR has been important for me. Glad you are raising a point that we all need to remember. Take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Yes, what you describe is all too familiar. And it gets worse with the passage of time. That is the slippery slope gets steeper and more slippery. Eventually it becomes truly life threatening and the primary motivation to drink is not to achieve a buzz but to avoid the detox horrors along with the risks. Thus, paradoxically a person drinks to keep from dying (in the detox) and this only increases the risk of dying because of drink. A lose-lose situation. How does a person get the motivation to stop? All I can say is that when things get so bad, when you're there at the edge of the cliff, looking straight down, then the instinct for sheer survival may take over. You get scared into it. Hopefully it's not too late. Maybe something, or someone, reached down and pulled me out of it. I can't tell. I'll never know. All I know is that I somehow made it back. I doubt that I could have done that without help from others.
W.
W.
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