A disappointment for a daughter
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,401
A disappointment for a daughter
It's been a few years, but here I am posting again. I don't know what I want. Perhaps, I'm just hoping that it will feel better to think that someone has bothered to "listen."
For the past 4 1/2 years, I've been "hanging around the rooms of NA" but not staying clean. I'm not even sure that I like myself enough to try any more or, if I were to try again, have any hope that it would last. At 250-300mg of oxy a day, I don't get high. It just keeps my head relatively quiet and me relatively normal. In the rooms, I'm honest about my using. For some reason, they continue to tell me to keep coming back.
What's got me looking at myself is that my father just found out that I've been using again. I had to ask him not to fill his prescription. I'm usually more careful and make sure that he has enough pills so that he doesn't have to order a refill. I screwed up this month. When he brought his bottle to the doctor's office this week, I had to tell him that he couldn't get a refill.
I'm very grateful that I had enough pills left to give to him. They will see him through to when he is able to get a refill. (I have Suboxone on hand for me). Still, I hate that I've hurt my father. I've always been there for him. Now, once again, loving me has caused him pain and I have shown him that I'm far from the wonderful daughter that he thinks me to be.
I hate this disease. All the same, even though I believe that I have the desire to quit, I can't find the willingness to do whatever it will take.
Thanks for reading this. Like I said, I don't know what I want. Of course, I'd like it all to just go away. But, we all know that doesn't happen.
For the past 4 1/2 years, I've been "hanging around the rooms of NA" but not staying clean. I'm not even sure that I like myself enough to try any more or, if I were to try again, have any hope that it would last. At 250-300mg of oxy a day, I don't get high. It just keeps my head relatively quiet and me relatively normal. In the rooms, I'm honest about my using. For some reason, they continue to tell me to keep coming back.
What's got me looking at myself is that my father just found out that I've been using again. I had to ask him not to fill his prescription. I'm usually more careful and make sure that he has enough pills so that he doesn't have to order a refill. I screwed up this month. When he brought his bottle to the doctor's office this week, I had to tell him that he couldn't get a refill.
I'm very grateful that I had enough pills left to give to him. They will see him through to when he is able to get a refill. (I have Suboxone on hand for me). Still, I hate that I've hurt my father. I've always been there for him. Now, once again, loving me has caused him pain and I have shown him that I'm far from the wonderful daughter that he thinks me to be.
I hate this disease. All the same, even though I believe that I have the desire to quit, I can't find the willingness to do whatever it will take.
Thanks for reading this. Like I said, I don't know what I want. Of course, I'd like it all to just go away. But, we all know that doesn't happen.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Thanks for posting Christin. Perhaps you don't know what you want because you don't know anything else than what you have. Sobriety can be a great thing, but you have to give it a chance. And as you already know it won't just "happen"
What's so great about your life now that you wont' devote a few weeks or months to just give sobriety a try? What do you really have to lose?
What's so great about your life now that you wont' devote a few weeks or months to just give sobriety a try? What do you really have to lose?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Your not a disappointment at all.
As a parent myself, my first concern would be that you get better and you are happy and well.
My first concern would not be to be disappointed at all.
We all make mistakes.
We are all human.
No-one wakes up and decides 'today I am going to work my backside of at becoming an addict'.
Withdrawals and addiction make us do things we are not proud of.
I will be the first one to put my hand up and admit that I have acted in ways I am totally not proud of.
My best to you
xx
As a parent myself, my first concern would be that you get better and you are happy and well.
My first concern would not be to be disappointed at all.
We all make mistakes.
We are all human.
No-one wakes up and decides 'today I am going to work my backside of at becoming an addict'.
Withdrawals and addiction make us do things we are not proud of.
I will be the first one to put my hand up and admit that I have acted in ways I am totally not proud of.
My best to you
xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,401
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Thanks for posting Christin. Perhaps you don't know what you want because you don't know anything else than what you have. Sobriety can be a great thing, but you have to give it a chance. And as you already know it won't just "happen"
What's so great about your life now that you wont' devote a few weeks or months to just give sobriety a try? What do you really have to lose?
What's so great about your life now that you wont' devote a few weeks or months to just give sobriety a try? What do you really have to lose?
I think that I'm a bit depressed. After all, I'm tired and disgusted that I messed up and got my father involved in my mess. My father certainly doesn't deserve this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
I'm sorry you're still struggling Christin, but I'm glad you came back here 
I believe everyone has what it takes Christin. Maybe you just haven't found what it takes for what I call 'escape velocity' yet?
maybe you need to do all 12 steps? maybe you need a new sponsor?
maybe you need to accept it will take more than a few months work?
maybe the solution lies in another approach entirely?
Would some help in looking after your dad be a help to you too? I can imagine that might be a pretty stressful unrelenting job?
You can do this - and I know you want to be clean and free of all this.
You just need to work out what you need more of - more support, more changes in your life - maybe even both?
D
I have tried actively working a program of recovery for months. I've done a fourth, fifth, and supposedly even a sixth and seventh step at one point. I've even tried Suboxone. Whatever I tried, eventually, I relapsed. I just don't think that I have what it takes. I wish that I did.
maybe you need to do all 12 steps? maybe you need a new sponsor?
maybe you need to accept it will take more than a few months work?
maybe the solution lies in another approach entirely?
Would some help in looking after your dad be a help to you too? I can imagine that might be a pretty stressful unrelenting job?
You can do this - and I know you want to be clean and free of all this.
You just need to work out what you need more of - more support, more changes in your life - maybe even both?
D
I'm glad you're trying again.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
