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Old 07-11-2013, 11:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Here I am! recovering well and dealing with shame


Well, I've actually been here before....but I never really got sober because I smashed my finger in a door as I was going into rehab. As such, I was thrown on all sorts of pain killers & I was tapering off xanax. I was a zombie.

I'm 24 and am a long term pill abuser, mainly xanax & norcos. Although percocets, vallium, ambien, demerol, morphine...if I couldn't get my regular stuff.

I would get the norcos and xanax from doctors....it was pretty bad. My parents are doctors, so I knew what to say and how to work the system. I knew how to work pharmacies...yet somehow I managed to do well. I graduated from a great university (did an honors program too) and am going to start a job at a real estate firm.

Yet despite all of that, I was a serial drug abuser. Eventually it caught up with me and I started having seizures.

Long story short, I stopped xanax....but ramped up the pain killers. Three months ago, I ODd on excess actm from the norcos. I also took some xanax so i didn't know how much/what I took.

shrink told me to go the ER & I did...and all was good....but I got sick from coming off of them. It was really shi***.

I have since been put on 6mg of suboxone and it's been a life saver. I don't use pills anymore, I don't call my dealer, I don't wake up in the morning to go through my parents' room to steal pills. I don't spend all my money anymore.

I'm saving money...a lot of money actually. (amazing how much I have now that I've stopped using). I exercise a lot and am going to do a half marathon.

And most importantly, my drug cravings are pretty much gone. I can go about my day and feel normal.

HOWEVER.

Now that I've become less blurred by the pills, I realize what my behavior was like. It was disgusting. I stole pills from my parents, I had seizures, I conned doctors, I spent stupid amounts of money on pills and random stuff that I'd buy when I was high and the worse was having my brother see a seizure and me be a pill addict.

My shrink is an amazing man and we're starting to work on it now that we've gotten the pill use under control. He really has saved my life.

I am so thankful for my parents and for their support. They have shelled out thousands and thousands for my treatment and various doctors. I love them for it.

But I feel so SHAMEFUL. And then them and my neighbors and it just kills me. Especially when I watch intervention ( i know) or just any sort of thing that reminds me of the past.

It feels far away even though it really isn't....I can't explain it.

How did you guys get through it?

Side note: Thank GOD for suboxone. I know people say it's a drug for a drug and perhaps it is & I don't care. I'm so much better today health wise (physical & mental), financially , emotionally...in every way.

That combined with Pristiq....my life has turned around. I even have a girl that I'm getting close with.

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Old 07-12-2013, 12:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
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ugh. i skimmed the post, but you may be curious about what you are like with out those substances.

i hope you can find a safe environment & support to just be without those things.

it's possible, though please tell a doctor if you want that, and stick with it, as many of those things are medications.

you can be healthy with out any of that, just look for the right support.

i may be setting the bar too high, i am not well either. just saying hi and i appreciate you finding the courage to tell us this.
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Old 07-12-2013, 12:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
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welcome (back) palmtree

I think the thing about shame is - we can't change the past - we can change ourselves tho - the more you and your life changes I think you'll find the more you'll be able to make amends for past mistakes and the less it will matter.

good to have you here - and congrats on turning your life around

D
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Old 07-12-2013, 12:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I think learning to live in the moment is one of the biggest things about the post-quit learning to live business. That's where I find myself struggling, too. Both learning to accept the moment as it is (that is, not changing it with substances) and also letting go of shame over the past and fear about the future.

When it comes to the past, though, I just try to keep in mind that the more I improve my life, the more those past embarrassments will fade away. I'm pretty sure that at some point one of my current friends will say to someone newer, "You know, Fantail used to be a huge party girl!" and new person will go, "Weird!!"
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Old 07-12-2013, 12:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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i really don't know how dee is so wise, he just is.

i need to learn a lot about amends. i'm still finding it a very tricky subject.

i also feel that i'm just learning about these things and it's easy for some one to call me stupid while i learn and thus i hide and feel shameful.

it's a difficult situation for me, etc
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Old 07-12-2013, 12:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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another thing you'll find the longer you're sober:

your experience will be invaluable to somebody brand new to recovery, whether it's here, or another support group. they will come in broken & full of remorse and you can tell them that it gets better...keep trying.

amazingly powerful when it happens, stick around!!
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Old 07-13-2013, 12:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by iwh View Post
ugh. i skimmed the post, but you may be curious about what you are like with out those substances.

i hope you can find a safe environment & support to just be without those things.

it's possible, though please tell a doctor if you want that, and stick with it, as many of those things are medications.

you can be healthy with out any of that, just look for the right support.

i may be setting the bar too high, i am not well either. just saying hi and i appreciate you finding the courage to tell us this.
And honestly, I've tried it that. But emotionally I was just UP AND DOWN and I was doing some very scary stuff. Doctor shopping. Crawling around the house looking for pills. Literally my entire day was about getting pills.

I'm not a big person: 145lbs/5'9, but even then I could take 50mg of percocet easily.

Ideally, would I be taking anything? Of course not. But honestly, I've relapsed three times and it just scares me what I did.

But now I don't do any of that....my cravings are basically nil & I'm able to live. I also feel much happier, I'm saving money etc.

That's just my experience.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was so unstable and doing very dangerous things that this seems like the best option.
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Old 07-13-2013, 12:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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welcome (back) palmtree

I think the thing about shame is - we can't change the past - we can change ourselves tho - the more you and your life changes I think you'll find the more you'll be able to make amends for past mistakes and the less it will matter.

good to have you here - and congrats on turning your life around

D
Thanks!

I'm trying and doing better each day. The more I don't do pills, the more I realize what I was doing. I went to the dentist yesterday and it struck me that during the last time I was there.....I was downing codeine cough syrup. Literally put it in a sprite bottle and then I just started drinking it from the bottle.

I went to basically ALL of the urgent cares.

It's just so shameful. I stole pills from my parents, my grandparents, my neighbors...everybody.

What support groups do you guys think are good? I only really go to my shrink, who I really like btw.
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Old 07-13-2013, 12:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I am ashamed of my behavior when I was actively using. Sigh.
Welcome back!
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SR is open 24/7. Read and read some more. Post and reply. Ask lots of questions. Don't be afraid of the answers. You can do this!
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Old 07-13-2013, 12:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by fantail View Post
I think learning to live in the moment is one of the biggest things about the post-quit learning to live business. That's where I find myself struggling, too. Both learning to accept the moment as it is (that is, not changing it with substances) and also letting go of shame over the past and fear about the future.

When it comes to the past, though, I just try to keep in mind that the more I improve my life, the more those past embarrassments will fade away. I'm pretty sure that at some point one of my current friends will say to someone newer, "You know, Fantail used to be a huge party girl!" and new person will go, "Weird!!"
Thanks! Yeah people don't really say "you look like you're not downing pills"....but they say "you look good" "you look like you're in good shape" etc. I do exercise a lot these days.

To be honest, I just can't believe I'm not doing pills. Before I couldn't go a day without doing pills.
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Old 07-13-2013, 01:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I am ashamed of my behavior when I was actively using. Sigh.
Welcome back!
What did you do?

What surprises me is how I"m still alive. I did so much shady stuff...it's amazing how I held down a job/school.

But I guess the worse feeling is the seizures. They are so scary to watch.


And for my brother who saw that along with the blood everywhere, I just feel terrible.

However, that was almost three years ago. AFter that, I switched to pain killers like norcos/percs because I had the extended finger problems.
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Old 07-13-2013, 03:37 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi palmtree, welcome to SR and welcome back from active addiction. I was seriously addicted to pills, too, oxy was my main DOC (drug of choice),at the end I was on insane amounts and snorting and injecting them. I also did illegal and shameful things while using.

I am the kind of person who gets lost in shame and guilt but I am working on it. Hoping to not live in the "Guilt Palace" (as I like to call it) one day. One way I do find these feelings helpful, though, is when I have cravings. I play the whole picture of using out in my mind, including my feelings of shame, remorse, regret, guilt and it helps a lot. It's so easy to remember only the high and it's important to remember the full picture. Maybe you can use your feelings this way instead of using them against yourself.

I am taking suboxone as well and it has changed and saved my life. I also attend outpatient counseling, group, and am on SR whenever I can. Also read and journal. I'm still looking for other ways to help my sobriety though I live in a rural area and it's hard to find a lot of choices. I keep looking though.

Take care and keep going strong!
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