~~ There are consequenses for drinking ....
 

~~ Okay I feel like if I am ever going to fully reap the benefits of being here then I need to confess my "bottom". It should have been the end of drinking for good but it only led to a long long binge.

On December 31 1985 I killed my newborn daughter........ or so I feel and have NEVER had a day since that I dont feel that way.

It was New Years Eve obviously. I had my son who was 2 and my month and a half daughter. I was living with my mother and step dad.... father to me as far as I am concerned.

I wanted to go out with my cousin for New Years Eve but I didnt dare leave my daughter at home with my Mom because her (my daughter)s heart had stopped once for 15 seconds and she was taken to the hospital and they gave us a velcro heart monitor for her. I was just 22 at the time and being incredibly selfish. It was New Years Eve and I wanted to go out..... thats all, thats the long and the short of it. Anyway, I had resigned myself to staying home but I was pissed. She was having trouble falling asleep and I was just annoyed. I put her across my knees on a pillow and lightly bounced her to sleep. Then I put her down for the night and put the heart monitor on her. Some time around 2 am I awoke with a start in the dark and felt the need to get up and check her. She was cold. When I turned on the light she was blue. I started to freak out but I did the infant CPR that they had taught me. She wasnt responding so I woke up my parents and we called the paramedics. They arrived at the house pretty quickly and I was still doing CPR but they said that she had been gone for hours. Her DOD is listed as New Years Eve. THAT has been hanging over my head for MANY years now. I question myself ALL the time of whether I hooked it up properly because I was distracted with MY OWN SELFISH DESIRES !!! It never went off. I know this for sure because the thing was VERY loud when they tested if for me.
It was ME who let her go in the middle of the night alone because I just HAD to go out drinking........... it doesnt matter that I didnt go because she is gone now anyway. What kind of creature lets that happen ?????? I have never let myself forgive what I did because I lost my child and that is unforgivable.

NOW you know the real me and NOW you can judge my uselessness on this planet

I'm sorry Kitty. That's so tragic.

The fact is, at this distance, you can never know - none of us can - your daughter was ill and it may be it was always going to happen.

Sometimes life is hard - I can't begin to explain to you why some of us have long lives and others of us don't.

as tragic as this was, what might be even more tragic tho is if you spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for this.

Have you ever had counselling for this? it might help you get through your grief and guilt.

You have a lot more living to do - what about making the rest of your life as something you and the spirit of your daughter can be proud of?

D

What you were is in the past. What you are and what you will be is what makes all the differance.

The hardest part of this to rectify in my head was that they NEVER explained to me WHY her heart stopped the first time. They just labeled her as SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Which means NOTHING. It means that cant explain why her heart stopped. She was a full term rolly polly beautiful baby. They tried to tell me afterwards that if it was hooked up wrong then it would have gone off................. THEN WHY DIDNT IT ???? If you are a parent and they tell you to do "this" to save your child then you DO IT !!! And I swear I did !! I loved her so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have lived with this guilt for the past 28 years.... Its hard to survive when you bury your own child, its a HELL Of alot harder if you feel responcible

You are a human being and I am in no position to judge anyone. I have an autistic son and I have beaten myself over and over again because clearly it was my fault. It *must* have been that hit of acid I took, or whatever even though the doctors have told me that it's not the case. I still think it was me.

I'm going out on thin ice with what I'm about to say. If I say something that you don't agree with please forgive me. I'm just a human.

As humans we're not perfect. Also, human beings are fragile. From your description it sounds like you did everything correctly. You were just 22 and wanted to have some fun but you didn't go out all night. Because you were *feeling* like you wanted to go out on New Year's didn't cause your daughter's heart to stop The fact that your daughter passed must be beyond horrible. I can't even imagine. But equipment isn't perfect, we as humans aren't perfect.

Judge you? No. You're on this planet and therefore deserve the respect of anyone else.

Again, I hope I haven't stuck my foot in my mouth. I stopped writing this response several times and finally just decided that I might have an atom of wisdom ... though not much more than that.

<< thank you Bruce292, you did not say anything to offend me. I was suicidal after this happened and the ONLY thing that kept me going was that I had a wonderful son who needed me. I still wear the scars of my self loathing on my wrist every day. I just needed someone to tell me if I did something wrong or not and no matter how many times I was told that I hadnt it just didnt matter. My daughter was gone and that was all the proof I needed that I was a horrible mother. I became insane with the need to protect my son. Wouldnt let him get out of my site Literally. I often made him sit with me watching TV or at someones house. It took years for me to realize that I was smothering him and that he would be okay playing in the back yard etc. I wish that after all these years I could just release myself from even part of the feeling of responsiblitly for her death but it will NEVER happen. I just have to try to go on day after day breath after breath. I know that this is where a good portion of my self loathing comes from and its just too bad. I just wanted to be honest and share this despicable side of myself as a way of owning up to what I have done and trying to move forward into a new life

Kit - you got me. Got me good. (((Sniff))). Ima tell you my sordid story. Just so you know you aren't alone...

My mother is an alcoholic. As was my father. As was my sister who happened also to be a drug addict. She was also a pharmacist. Stay with me here...

In 1986, I was a junior in high school. Just had met a wonderful boy who had asked me to Homecoming. It was a Friday night and Homecoming was the next morning.

That night mom was sauced, as per usual. My sister (23) went out for the evening. We knew full well she had a problem, but like any properly trained family full of drunks, we hid that shiz like the best of actors. Dad had found pills in her purse 2 weeks prior. Pills she wasn't prescribed mind you. But an addict in a pharmacy is like a kid.... Well....you get the point. Dad was drunk and sleeping when my sister called home at 11:30 to announce that she wouldn't be coming home that night. Shouldn't of been a big deal, she was 23 after all. But, again, like any good family full of drunks, we loved us some drama. Mom grabbed the phone and defended she come home - sis was her drinking buddy. She stood firm and decided she was staying out. I, being the exceptional codependent, took the phone back and insisted that she get home immediately. That mom was drunk, as was dad, and I couldn't handle all of this scary crap alone.

And I was pissed. I mean pissed at everyone in the house. It was my GD special day tomorrow and here I was manning a drunk tank singlehandedly, at 16 years old.

Tried to go to bed. Cried and cried for hours. This was just another night in my life.

She came home that night. Stood at my doorway and called my name out. I knew she had come home for me, to protect her little sister from the monsters that she always did. Both those tht were alive and those in my head. But I was so mad at her, I didn't answer her. F her I thought. Just F them all.

The next morning, I awoke and there was a feeling, an air, that I had never felt before. I tried to fall back asleep for a few hours and then decided to finally get up.

I went to her room and noticed she wasn't breathing. I ran not my parents room to tell them something was wrong.

She had died.

Autopsy read acute alcohol poisoning and propophenyl intoxication.

I will never know if when she called my name out, if it was when she was taking her last breaths. If she called out for me to help her and I ignored her because I was so angry.

Thirty years of therapy and I'm still not really sure.

I'll share my story about my dad also, but I kinda can't right now.

Bottom line, just don't drink...

Oh Jesus...........I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I feel like you can understand the horrible feeling that you can never know. We just cant ever know. I am amazed at your selflessness to share this with me. Thank you, thank you very much

I'm sorry Kitty. I can't even imagine what it must be like to survive that. I don't think you are despicable at all. I think you are amazing and strong.

Kitty - I hope I didn't hijack your thread. I just felt so inexplicably sad for your guilt, I wanted you to know you are not a horrible person.

I just want you to keep fighting for your other child that has the extra burden of having to try to live for two children.

What a strong and supportive bunch of people. I feel humbled.

I always find strenth and hope in the sharing of loss people experience and the resolve they also have to move on in their life however imperfect it may be at times. I think you both are amazing and strong.

No alphaomega, not at all. I now have 4 very healthy and grown kids. My 3 sons LOL, and my youngest, my daughter who is going off to college next month to leave me as an empty nester. I have been very blessed in my life to have such an amazing cast of characters as my children. I am grateful also to have been raised in a family that believes in accepting people ......... ALL people for who they are because I believe in these values above ALL else. Our family laughs together and brings newcomers in as though they were always there. I have raised kids who have those same values and are capable of putting themselves in other peoples shoes emotionally before they cast a judgement. I dont mean to sound as though my life is some tragedy that I should be excused for. I am happier (mostly) than any one person has a right to. But I am starting out on this other side of the mountain and my husband (of 5 years) and I are about to celebrate 10 years of being together next month. I dont have any grandchildren yet but I am desperate to have one............ its time to stop thinking that I have forever to fix my compulsive drinking. If I want to be around to play with those precious babies then I HAVE to get my stupid self under control ............. I am SO ready, I really am

I'm sorry for your loss Kitty, but in my opinion you were not the cause of your daughter's passing, nor was drinking the cause of your daughter's passing. Equipment malfunctions happen all the time. You're being too hard on yourself. As a parent, I'm sure it's natural to look at oneself to assign blame for a child's death, but you're taking this much too far.

It's time to make peace with yourself.

Thank you. I am not sure that I agree though. This was the night in my life that I figured out that desire for your vice can be even more deadly than the vice itself :(

The truth is that you did not go out. You stayed with your daughter. Even though you were angry about it, that does not mean that you were the result of her passing. The machine did not sound off. I am so sorry for your loss. I really am. I hope you can start to move into a gentler place with this, and know that you did the right thing. (((HUG))) to you.

I agree with Bruce.

Kitty and Alpha you've both been through a horrible and unfair time. I can't imagine what it's like to carry such a burden all those years. Your loved ones would never want to be the cause of your pain and suffering.

Kitty I hope it's helped to open up about what happened. As Dee said, it's a double tragedy if you continue to punish yourself for something that was NOT your fault. Honor the soul of your daughter by living a sober and healthy life. I'm sure you will see her again.

Alpha I'm sorry for that awful incident that's haunted you all these years. Again, your sister would never want her death to ruin your life. I hope you will one day be able to let go of the idea that it was somehow your fault or that you could've done something to change it.

Prayers for you both to be comforted.

Thank you Hevyn, I do try everyday to find peace with what has already happened and I do understand that NOTHING I do will ever make it NOT have happened. That is the only way that I have survived such an extreme time in my life. I feel better for having shared it here because the only other people who know about this are the people who were physically there at the time. Unfortunately that does not mean that my ugly little inner voice will EVER let me forget it. It kills the joy of almost every great thing that has happened to me since. But then it rears its ugly head and tells me that I dont deserve any good things because of what I did. So its a never ending battle. I call it my evil twin that wants to destroy me............. but is it really just guilt ??? Is it really just alcohol ?? Is it really just Karma ??? Is it really just me battling myself for the ability to have a precious special moment that isnt tarnished ................ **** sigh No idea :(

I don't think you did anything wrong.

Guilt is so hard. I felt tremendous guilt over several miscarriages, and doing EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) made a huge difference for me.

I hope you find self-compassion.

I just want to say thanks to both of you for sharing such pain here. I hope it is cathartic to get it out there, and i think you are both incredibly brave for sharing. Maybe spreading the pain around a little bit will lessen its impact on you. That's an interesting concept to me. We can all handle a small part of your pain, and put together maybe that takes away enough from you to help.

I have no prayers to help, but my thoughts are with you.

thank you Oak and misterritter, for me just having it out there in the open, like a wound, gives it a little light of the day and maybe allows it to heal. I have hidden this away like an unwanted tumor for 28 years and the only people who know about it are my immediate family and my very trusted friends. They have gotten used to New Years Eve when I would be fine most of the day and then descend into tears and sorrow before the night was over year after year. I am not looking for redemption here nor can there ever be any. I just wanted to put out there how selfish this demon is, as I have experienced it. I just want to be fully me so that as I go forward, I am not hiding the ugly from the light........... not sure that even makes sense.

KittyH, thank you for sharing your experience with us.

I think you both were young, experienced horrible loss of someone you loved, and blame yourselves when it was not your fault. Somehow because you were upset and angry when these awful events happened you feel responsible. I truly believe endings are in God's hands, no matter what the circumstances.

I'm glad you were able to share to get it out and take a step towards healing. I believe we carry those we have lost with us along life's journey, and will see them again someday. Peace.

That is horrible! I am so sorry for your loss and your experience. Its a true testament to you character and soul that you are here and trying to make a change for the better. I always want people to be a success, but I REALLY want you to be a huge success because you deserve to be happy and healthy. I know loss can seem like the end of the world, and it sure feels that way, but you can kick this thing and get better. You had no way of knowing that would happen that night and I do not think it was your fault. I know my words are not enough to heal your aching soul, but I sure wish they were. In the aftermath of a death, we all ask what if, why, and feel a sense of guilt. I know my parents went through a horrible 5 years after my sister passed from cancer. We didnt know she wouldn't make it, I always thought she just would. Death has a way of removing the blinders so many people seem to wear through out life. I want so much for you to forgive yourself and to get sober, because I feel horrible you are walking around on a daily basis with this in your head. Her memory will never die, but your guilt and shame needs to be put to rest. You can do that through recovery, but it will take time and work. Of all the stories I have read on here, yours touches me the most. Please stay updating on the forum and thank you for sharing your story.

Kitty, I can't imagine how much pain you have been through over this. The loss of a child is the worst pain in this life and, like others have said, I am truly inspired by your strength and resilience. This was not your fault!

You feel guilty because you didn't want to stay home on New Years Eve that night (like most young women) and you were resenting the situation (like many new mothers who are harried and overwhelmed with care taking), and when your daughter passed from SIDS (which is an all-too-common event, sadly), you are blaming yourself. I have spoken with other mothers whose babies didn't make it from SIDS or complications from premature birth or other things and they all feel the same way. ALL of them blame themselves because, to be a mother is to have guilt. A mother feels her #1 job is to protect her babies and if she can't always do that, then she has failed. But this is simply not true. How could it be true? Mothers cannot play god, we can only do what we can do.

I know you have held your feelings inside all this time, but it might help to finally start reaching out so you can get some closure. Posting about it here is a good start. Once you start to confront these feelings sober, you will heal. I think it would be healing for you to also talk with other women who have had similar experiences. There are online mothers' forums (there is a grief and loss forum on Mothering.com: Pregnancy, Babies, Natural Family Living, and More) and maybe there are IRL support groups in your area. I think by sharing your story with other mothers who have experienced loss, you will be able to see that you are not alone.

And... you are a GOOD mom (just ask your kids, they love you!)

i'm so sorry for what you've been through, but I really don't think it was because of you!! just because you were in a mood, doesn't mean you did anything wrong. hang in there and good luck.

Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself. You are not to blame!!

:grouphug:

Good morning, I want to thank you all so very much for all the support. I am over whelmed by it and grateful for it. You are all so kind to say these things. I am very hopeful today. I want to make my 24 hour goal and get started on a life of sobriety so my fingers are crossed and I feel light of heart today. Thank you all again !!

:You_Rock_

Do it! We are here for you!!