~~ There are consequenses for drinking ....
Hippie Rock~n~Roller
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Garland, Tx
Posts: 128
thank you Oak and misterritter, for me just having it out there in the open, like a wound, gives it a little light of the day and maybe allows it to heal. I have hidden this away like an unwanted tumor for 28 years and the only people who know about it are my immediate family and my very trusted friends. They have gotten used to New Years Eve when I would be fine most of the day and then descend into tears and sorrow before the night was over year after year. I am not looking for redemption here nor can there ever be any. I just wanted to put out there how selfish this demon is, as I have experienced it. I just want to be fully me so that as I go forward, I am not hiding the ugly from the light........... not sure that even makes sense.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
I think you both were young, experienced horrible loss of someone you loved, and blame yourselves when it was not your fault. Somehow because you were upset and angry when these awful events happened you feel responsible. I truly believe endings are in God's hands, no matter what the circumstances.
I'm glad you were able to share to get it out and take a step towards healing. I believe we carry those we have lost with us along life's journey, and will see them again someday. Peace.
I'm glad you were able to share to get it out and take a step towards healing. I believe we carry those we have lost with us along life's journey, and will see them again someday. Peace.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by KittyH 
~~ Okay I feel like if I am ever going to fully reap the benefits of being here then I need to confess my "bottom". It should have been the end of drinking for good but it only led to a long long binge.
On December 31 1985 I killed my newborn daughter........ or so I feel and have NEVER had a day since that I dont feel that way.
It was New Years Eve obviously. I had my son who was 2 and my month and a half daughter. I was living with my mother and step dad.... father to me as far as I am concerned.
I wanted to go out with my cousin for New Years Eve but I didnt dare leave my daughter at home with my Mom because her (my daughter)s heart had stopped once for 15 seconds and she was taken to the hospital and they gave us a velcro heart monitor for her. I was just 22 at the time and being incredibly selfish. It was New Years Eve and I wanted to go out..... thats all, thats the long and the short of it. Anyway, I had resigned myself to staying home but I was pissed. She was having trouble falling asleep and I was just annoyed. I put her across my knees on a pillow and lightly bounced her to sleep. Then I put her down for the night and put the heart monitor on her. Some time around 2 am I awoke with a start in the dark and felt the need to get up and check her. She was cold. When I turned on the light she was blue. I started to freak out but I did the infant CPR that they had taught me. She wasnt responding so I woke up my parents and we called the paramedics. They arrived at the house pretty quickly and I was still doing CPR but they said that she had been gone for hours. Her DOD is listed as New Years Eve. THAT has been hanging over my head for MANY years now. I question myself ALL the time of whether I hooked it up properly because I was distracted with MY OWN SELFISH DESIRES !!! It never went off. I know this for sure because the thing was VERY loud when they tested if for me.
It was ME who let her go in the middle of the night alone because I just HAD to go out drinking........... it doesnt matter that I didnt go because she is gone now anyway. What kind of creature lets that happen ?????? I have never let myself forgive what I did because I lost my child and that is unforgivable.
NOW you know the real me and NOW you can judge my uselessness on this planet
On December 31 1985 I killed my newborn daughter........ or so I feel and have NEVER had a day since that I dont feel that way.
It was New Years Eve obviously. I had my son who was 2 and my month and a half daughter. I was living with my mother and step dad.... father to me as far as I am concerned.
I wanted to go out with my cousin for New Years Eve but I didnt dare leave my daughter at home with my Mom because her (my daughter)s heart had stopped once for 15 seconds and she was taken to the hospital and they gave us a velcro heart monitor for her. I was just 22 at the time and being incredibly selfish. It was New Years Eve and I wanted to go out..... thats all, thats the long and the short of it. Anyway, I had resigned myself to staying home but I was pissed. She was having trouble falling asleep and I was just annoyed. I put her across my knees on a pillow and lightly bounced her to sleep. Then I put her down for the night and put the heart monitor on her. Some time around 2 am I awoke with a start in the dark and felt the need to get up and check her. She was cold. When I turned on the light she was blue. I started to freak out but I did the infant CPR that they had taught me. She wasnt responding so I woke up my parents and we called the paramedics. They arrived at the house pretty quickly and I was still doing CPR but they said that she had been gone for hours. Her DOD is listed as New Years Eve. THAT has been hanging over my head for MANY years now. I question myself ALL the time of whether I hooked it up properly because I was distracted with MY OWN SELFISH DESIRES !!! It never went off. I know this for sure because the thing was VERY loud when they tested if for me.
It was ME who let her go in the middle of the night alone because I just HAD to go out drinking........... it doesnt matter that I didnt go because she is gone now anyway. What kind of creature lets that happen ?????? I have never let myself forgive what I did because I lost my child and that is unforgivable.
NOW you know the real me and NOW you can judge my uselessness on this planet
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Kitty, I can't imagine how much pain you have been through over this. The loss of a child is the worst pain in this life and, like others have said, I am truly inspired by your strength and resilience. This was not your fault!
You feel guilty because you didn't want to stay home on New Years Eve that night (like most young women) and you were resenting the situation (like many new mothers who are harried and overwhelmed with care taking), and when your daughter passed from SIDS (which is an all-too-common event, sadly), you are blaming yourself. I have spoken with other mothers whose babies didn't make it from SIDS or complications from premature birth or other things and they all feel the same way. ALL of them blame themselves because, to be a mother is to have guilt. A mother feels her #1 job is to protect her babies and if she can't always do that, then she has failed. But this is simply not true. How could it be true? Mothers cannot play god, we can only do what we can do.
I know you have held your feelings inside all this time, but it might help to finally start reaching out so you can get some closure. Posting about it here is a good start. Once you start to confront these feelings sober, you will heal. I think it would be healing for you to also talk with other women who have had similar experiences. There are online mothers' forums (there is a grief and loss forum on Mothering.com: Pregnancy, Babies, Natural Family Living, and More) and maybe there are IRL support groups in your area. I think by sharing your story with other mothers who have experienced loss, you will be able to see that you are not alone.
And... you are a GOOD mom (just ask your kids, they love you!)
You feel guilty because you didn't want to stay home on New Years Eve that night (like most young women) and you were resenting the situation (like many new mothers who are harried and overwhelmed with care taking), and when your daughter passed from SIDS (which is an all-too-common event, sadly), you are blaming yourself. I have spoken with other mothers whose babies didn't make it from SIDS or complications from premature birth or other things and they all feel the same way. ALL of them blame themselves because, to be a mother is to have guilt. A mother feels her #1 job is to protect her babies and if she can't always do that, then she has failed. But this is simply not true. How could it be true? Mothers cannot play god, we can only do what we can do.
I know you have held your feelings inside all this time, but it might help to finally start reaching out so you can get some closure. Posting about it here is a good start. Once you start to confront these feelings sober, you will heal. I think it would be healing for you to also talk with other women who have had similar experiences. There are online mothers' forums (there is a grief and loss forum on Mothering.com: Pregnancy, Babies, Natural Family Living, and More) and maybe there are IRL support groups in your area. I think by sharing your story with other mothers who have experienced loss, you will be able to see that you are not alone.
And... you are a GOOD mom (just ask your kids, they love you!)
Hippie Rock~n~Roller
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Garland, Tx
Posts: 128
Good morning, I want to thank you all so very much for all the support. I am over whelmed by it and grateful for it. You are all so kind to say these things. I am very hopeful today. I want to make my 24 hour goal and get started on a life of sobriety so my fingers are crossed and I feel light of heart today. Thank you all again !!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by KittyH
Good morning, I want to thank you all so very much for all the support. I am over whelmed by it and grateful for it. You are all so kind to say these things. I am very hopeful today. I want to make my 24 hour goal and get started on a life of sobriety so my fingers are crossed and I feel light of heart today. Thank you all again !!
Do it! We are here for you!!
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