Notices

Advice please anyone?

Old 07-11-2013, 03:26 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Cambridge, UK
Posts: 76
Advice please anyone?

Hi all, I'm still here, still ok and still sober which I'm so happy about.

I am getting very anxious about this Saturday night. I'm going to a big 40th birthday party, which as you can imagine is going to involve alot of people partying and drinking. I cannot get out of going as it's family and besides, I want to go. I am positively determined not to drink but I've never gone to anything like this and not had alcohol. What am I like at a party sober? I have absolutely no idea and I'm nervous as hell! I mean, am I boring, fun, interesting, dull, socially inept or the life and soul of the party? Should I care what others think of me? Arrghhh, panic, panic!

I could really do with some good advice about what to I say if I get offered drinks and I turn them down in favour of a soft drink and how to get through something like this without having a freak out? I don't want to talk about my private life or why I'm not drinking, not at this stage anyway and certainly not at a 40th birthday bash.

Also, can anyone give me any good tips on how to stay true and focussed if at any time during the evening I start thinking, "surely one won't hurt"!!!

Saturday night will be my biggest test so far, without a doubt. I don't want to let myself down and need something to keep my mind strong and zoned in on if I start feeling wobbly.

I'd really appreciate all and any support right now.

Thank you all.
DS777 is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 03:34 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
apophylite's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: cardiff
Posts: 328
You sound focused, hold on to that. If anyone asks why you aren't drinking tell them your on antibiotics. No one needs to know. Hold on to how good sobriety feels and what a goods nights sleep does for you, then remember what Sundays in hangover hell felt like. Good luck, you can totally do this.
apophylite is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 03:35 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Great questions!
I think that you can say that you are the DD. Which means that you are driving yourself home, and you need to be sober for this.
Keep SR close by.
Call someone for support.
Leave early if you start getting urges
If a drink is offered, take soda or water, juice.
You have nothing to explain to anyone.
Also, you can always cancel if you feel like this is too early in your sobriety.
Take care of you!!!
We are all here for support.

Also, I do not know how you will be at the party. Be yourself. Be happy that you are there. These people are friends ya?
Mizzuno is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 03:35 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Hippie Rock~n~Roller
 
KittyH's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Garland, Tx
Posts: 128
~~ Man, I can not TELL you how much I understand this one. I dont have any answers but I just wanted to tell you that I feel ya and I wish you the best of luck !!!
KittyH is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 03:36 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
StartinANewLife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 5
Hello... If I were you I would go and bring a lot of bottled water or whatever your drink of choice is, or candy whatever. You won't know what you are like at a party sober until you try it for yourself. And I would imagine, when you see how people act when they are intoxicated it will give you a new understanding for how you use to behave at such functions. I personally would just say "No Thanks." and leave it at that if someone offers you alcohol. If they pressure you and keep on trying to get you to give in, politely tell them you are trying to give drinking up.

If you are anything like I am, that ONE drink will lead to another and the more you have the more your inhibitions are weakened. Just think about how great it will feel to not give in to temptation and work on increasing your willpower to say no. You said yourself that Saturday would be a big test, so think about how great you will feel the next morning.

I know i'm new and feel like i'm the last person to give advice (or I wouldn't be on this site), I am just offering my personal opinion on what I would do. Good luck Saturday, you can do this!!
StartinANewLife is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 04:07 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Grateful to be free
 
Threshold's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
as soon as you get there, get yourself a non alcoholic beverage. If anyone offers you a drink, motion to it and say, "nah, I'm good" or "got it covered."

You post awesome sober, so I have no doubt you'll be good company at the party sober as well!

Good on you for thinking ahead so you have some strategies in your pocket.

If you can drive yourself, good, so if things feel too hairy you can get a headache/stomachache or whatever and drive yourself out of there. Chances are there are other non drinkers there as well, often we don't notice that there IS such a thing when we are drinking ourselves!
Threshold is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 04:08 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeDance's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 144
I just want to echo what StartinaNewLife just said. In the past, I have gone to parties sober when other people were drinking. It's interesting to see how people change when they drink. And remember, you'll be the one who wakes up the next day without a hangover.
FreeDance is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 04:34 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,058
I stayed away from parties - I wanted to go too - but I wanted to stay sober more.
I figured there'd be more parties, when I was stronger... and I was right

No one needs to go to a party, but if you feel you must go there are some useful tips here:

Crying Out Now: Thanksgiving Survival Guide
Dee74 is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 04:37 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Keeping it simple!
 
LadyinBC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I stayed away from parties - I wanted to go too - but I wanted to stay sober more.
Bingo! I didn't go anywhere when I first quit. Now, if I go somewhere I always have a plan in case I feel uncomfortable and need to leave.

And if someone gets upset or offended, it's not my problem. My sobriety ALWAYS has to come first. If I don't have that, I won't have anything.
LadyinBC is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 05:39 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
If it were me I would not go but being honest with ourselves helps the final decision. I used to respond to a drink offer, and it really didn't happen that often, NO thanks I've developed an allergy to alcohol. Ain't that the truth! BE WELL
visch1 is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 06:13 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Ryno032709
 
Ryno03272009's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Concord
Posts: 103
I experienced the same questions and issues when becoming sober...

There is a book I was given early in my sobriety titled "Living Sober." In that book it says the following which is relevant to your question of what to tell others and what they will think when they learn you are not drinking...

"The newly sober alcoholic wonders what to answer if drinking friends and relatives say such things as 'come have a drink.'; 'What are you drinking?'; 'Why, you can't be an alcoholic!'; 'Don't you drink?'; 'Just one won't hurt.'; 'Why aren't you drinking?'... and the like. To our relief, we found that these questions come up less often than expected, and our answers seem to have much less importance than we thought they would have. Our not drinking creates less of a stir than we feared it would."

Living Sober then later explains that you know you best and "your own intelligence will lead you to the one [answer to why you are not drinking] that works best and is most comfortable for you. More importantly, you should not feel the need to defend ourselves and our choice to not drink.

The book recommends some simple answers to the above examples of questions such as: "I am not drinking now." or "I am not drinking today (or this week)." or the most simplest form being "No thanks." or a more straight forward "I don't care for any." ; "I've had my share."; "I've had all I can handle." ; "I found it doesn't agree with me. These can all be truthful answers.

Although, I along with many others would not recommend being untruthful because honesty is a big part of sobriety I personally when the question of why I am not drinking would recommend simply tell a little white lie such as "I am allergic." Just be careful not to make a habbit of using this as an reason for not drinking if you personally feel like you are telling a lie when you say it. But in reality... when you really think about it - Alcohol IS REALLY a allergy which is a "disease" that us Alcoholics have. Our bodies and our minds do not react the way others who drink alcohol do. So, if you are faced with having to tell someone you are allergic to alcohol - rest assured you would not be the first to do so.

I wish you the best with your sobriety and just remember to take things one day at a time and quite simply dont drink
Ryno03272009 is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 06:35 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
where the light is
 
gravity's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
You seem worried too much about what other people think.

I used to get offered alcohol all the time at parties, sometimes still do. "No thanks" was my main response. People who knew me as a heavy drinker would ask why or sometimes tease me but I'd laugh it off. What else could I do?

I'm a lot more quiet at gatherings, a bit of a loner. People probably think I'm bored or stuck up. lol Compare that to how I was when drinking: Outgoing and friendly, progressed to annoying, progressed to drunken a**hole...

Bottom line: my sobriety comes first. I'm selfish that way. Who cares what other people think? I'm a much better man now than I was 5 1/2 years ago!

If I were you, I'd skip that party. Just not worth the risk.
gravity is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 06:46 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
 
alphaomega's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,884
Do not go. Don't.

I attempted a "can't not go party" at 26 days sober. With zero intention of drinking. None. I was on top of the world at that moment

And I haven't been back up there since.
alphaomega is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 07:00 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
Yeah, I'm with Dee. I really had to rethink what I HAD to do, and going to parties was not on the list. I tried it once, failed miserably and decided that what I HAD to do was to put myself and my recovery first and foremost until I got onto my feet.
Anna is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 07:30 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Keeping it simple!
 
LadyinBC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I really had to rethink what I HAD to do, and going to parties was not on the list.
Really hard to do this isn't it? I was such a people pleaser that when I finally sobered up it was hard to do things that were good for me without worrying about everyone else.

I don't HAVE to anything I don't want to. Imagine realizing that at 48! LOL
LadyinBC is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 07:39 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Notmyrealname's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
I would probably not go, but if it was me and I was going to go, I would make sure to eat a large, satisfying meal of something pretty decadent beforehand, like a slab of ribs and some sides, or a double-cheeseburger with fries, and then I'd have rich, scrumptious dessert after that, and I would bring candy, and I would leave the party pretty early. My thinking is that you're much less likely to succumb to temptation of alcohol if you're stuffed and feeling the satiety of ingesting a bunch of sugar, dairy, fats and protein. The thing you'll be happiest to drink at that point is water, just to help all that stuff digest.

I have a list of the terrible things my drinking has wrought upon my life and family, I keep it in my wallet in hopes that if I'm about to lose the "I can have just one, it'll be okay" internal dialogue, my list will remind me of why I got sober in the first place and why drinking is simply no longer an option. Haven't had to go to the list yet, but what the hell, not much trouble to write up a list and put it in my wallet and it might help.
Notmyrealname is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:17 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
bigsombrero's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by LadyinBC View Post
Bingo! I didn't go anywhere when I first quit. Now, if I go somewhere I always have a plan in case I feel uncomfortable and need to leave.

And if someone gets upset or offended, it's not my problem. My sobriety ALWAYS has to come first. If I don't have that, I won't have anything.
Put me down in this group too.

In my first year of recovery I skipped two of my best friends' weddings, Thanksgiving with my family, and my Fantasy Baseball Draft because of this damn alcoholism thing. I am going to my cousin's wedding next month and I already have an exit plan and won't stay past dessert.

If people feel bad/weird/sad that I skipped, too bad. And to be honest, I'm pretty sure nobody gave a darn. We tend to over-think the importance of attending these events.

That said, you said you WANT to go, which is encouraging - and if that's the case, and you feel comfortable, then by all means attend. But I'd plan an exit strategy, make it brief, and live to fight another day. Just my .02.
bigsombrero is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:26 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Ryno032709
 
Ryno03272009's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Concord
Posts: 103
Originally Posted by Ryno03272009 View Post
I experienced the same questions and issues when becoming sober...

There is a book I was given early in my sobriety titled "Living Sober." In that book it says the following which is relevant to your question of what to tell others and what they will think when they learn you are not drinking...

"The newly sober alcoholic wonders what to answer if drinking friends and relatives say such things as 'come have a drink.'; 'What are you drinking?'; 'Why, you can't be an alcoholic!'; 'Don't you drink?'; 'Just one won't hurt.'; 'Why aren't you drinking?'... and the like. To our relief, we found that these questions come up less often than expected, and our answers seem to have much less importance than we thought they would have. Our not drinking creates less of a stir than we feared it would."

Living Sober then later explains that you know you best and "your own intelligence will lead you to the one [answer to why you are not drinking] that works best and is most comfortable for you. More importantly, you should not feel the need to defend ourselves and our choice to not drink.

The book recommends some simple answers to the above examples of questions such as: "I am not drinking now." or "I am not drinking today (or this week)." or the most simplest form being "No thanks." or a more straight forward "I don't care for any." ; "I've had my share."; "I've had all I can handle." ; "I found it doesn't agree with me. These can all be truthful answers.

Although, I along with many others would not recommend being untruthful because honesty is a big part of sobriety I personally when the question of why I am not drinking would recommend simply tell a little white lie such as "I am allergic." Just be careful not to make a habbit of using this as an reason for not drinking if you personally feel like you are telling a lie when you say it. But in reality... when you really think about it - Alcohol IS REALLY a allergy which is a "disease" that us Alcoholics have. Our bodies and our minds do not react the way others who drink alcohol do. So, if you are faced with having to tell someone you are allergic to alcohol - rest assured you would not be the first to do so.

I wish you the best with your sobriety and just remember to take things one day at a time and quite simply dont drink
I never shared what works for me earlier so... I find what works for me is to eat before I go then I have s full stomach when i show up... I also keep candies or gum with me because if im sucking on candy or chewing gum at a party its like eating i wudnt take a drink with a mouthfull of sonething sweet... I also will show up late and leave early. And while im there If offered a drink or asked why im not drinking ill think of something I referred to earlier.
Ryno03272009 is offline  
Old 07-11-2013, 11:43 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Nothing is impossible!
 
Nighthawk8820's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by DS777 View Post
Hi all, I'm still here, still ok and still sober which I'm so happy about.

I am getting very anxious about this Saturday night. I'm going to a big 40th birthday party, which as you can imagine is going to involve alot of people partying and drinking. I cannot get out of going as it's family and besides, I want to go. I am positively determined not to drink but I've never gone to anything like this and not had alcohol. What am I like at a party sober? I have absolutely no idea and I'm nervous as hell! I mean, am I boring, fun, interesting, dull, socially inept or the life and soul of the party? Should I care what others think of me? Arrghhh, panic, panic!

I could really do with some good advice about what to I say if I get offered drinks and I turn them down in favour of a soft drink and how to get through something like this without having a freak out? I don't want to talk about my private life or why I'm not drinking, not at this stage anyway and certainly not at a 40th birthday bash.

Also, can anyone give me any good tips on how to stay true and focussed if at any time during the evening I start thinking, "surely one won't hurt"!!!

Saturday night will be my biggest test so far, without a doubt. I don't want to let myself down and need something to keep my mind strong and zoned in on if I start feeling wobbly.

I'd really appreciate all and any support right now.

Thank you all.
You may be shocked at just how interesting people will find you now that you are not drinking. It takes time to adjust to not drinking at functions, but you can do it and will feel thrilled at passing this milestone. Be yourself, have fun, and dont 2nd guess yourself.
Nighthawk8820 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:35 AM.