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Old 07-11-2013, 03:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I'm not in recovery for my wife, I'm in it for me


But I have to say, to be perfectly honest, I really, really want to stay sober so I can have her remain in my life, and even better, to have our relationship improve.

Is that bad?
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Old 07-11-2013, 03:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I don't think any motivation is bad. As long as it keeps you sober.
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Nope, it's not bad. A perfectly normal, healthy, understandable and noble thing.

Here is the ONE catch...is that when some of us make such a statement we make it with mental "small print"...such as "I am going to get sober because I want a better relationship! and if that doesn't work out I'll have an excuse to drink again

In 12 step programs we call that a "reservation".

That small print, so often silent...has let many of us slip right back into drinking when real life didn't go the way we hoped, wanted or planned.

So, any healthy motive is a great way to encourage and support our sobriety, but make sure to erase the small print, because sometimes the devil IS in the details.

Glad you are on board, sounds like your wife is a lucky woman with a man who loves and values her.
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Here is the ONE catch...is that when some of us make such a statement we make it with mental "small print"...such as "I am going to get sober because I want a better relationship! and if that doesn't work out I'll have an excuse to drink again
I gotta be honest.... I wonder if that reservation is there with me. Basically, if it's there, it's my addict, my reptile brain telling me: "if your relationship doesn't work out, than it's OK to die." Crazy!!!!

I'll have to think on that one.
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Old 07-11-2013, 04:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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The relationship could well improve, but don't be surprised if the 'new you' creates some early teething problems.
As for the reptile brain.....good point! Sometimes we blame all but the grog.
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Old 07-11-2013, 05:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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The relationship could well improve, but don't be surprised if the 'new you' creates some early teething problems.
Unfortunately, the "new me" just feels like the old me without booze and drugs (and a lot less coffee). I feel good about staying sober, but otherwise I'm the same impatient, emotional me, apparently. :-(

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As for the reptile brain.....good point! Sometimes we blame all but the grog.
I'm basically making it a project to readily identify any and all thinking in my head that minimizes drinking or using, or somehow makes room for me to use 'someday' (for example, projecting myself 25 years from now at my son's wedding and stressing about whether I can toast his marriage with champagne.... who f**king cares, really). That's my 'A' (addict brain) speaking and can be recognized as such, and told to drink a big glass of shut the f**k up.
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Old 07-11-2013, 06:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I don't think it matters what your initial motivations for getting sober are, but I've learned that once sobriety is achieved, other reasons emerge for staying sober.

I've been to AA. Some people with long term sobriety started their journey with court mandates, ultimatums from spouses/families, but ultimately they claimed sobriety for their own.

My reason for getting sober was to lose weight. The weight came off and I realized I liked sober me. I have slipped but never for more than 3 days. In the last 5 years, I have had way more sober than drunk time. I like it that way.

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Old 07-11-2013, 06:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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DrSober, you are on the money as far as I'm concerned.

This is my 4th time getting sober. I've always done it for everyone else but me because the thought of never drinking again frightened me greatly. It took me this 4th time to realize that I'm sick of it, that it's time. To help with the frightening part of it I make no promises that I am not going to drink in the future, but I will not drink today. That's the way that it's been for the past 45 days. Seems to be working!

On the day that I quit, unbeknownst to me, my husband was filing for divorce because I had gotten drunk and bad mouthed him for the last time. By the grace of God I made the decision prior to him going.

Like you, I quit for me but keeping my husband in my life is a key motivational factor.

Kudos to you!
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DrSober View Post

I'm basically making it a project to readily identify any and all thinking in my head that minimizes drinking or using, or somehow makes room for me to use 'someday' (for example, projecting myself 25 years from now at my son's wedding and stressing about whether I can toast his marriage with champagne.... who f**king cares, really). That's my 'A' (addict brain) speaking and can be recognized as such, and told to drink a big glass of shut the f**k up.
Last summer one of my son's got married. I toasted with water, and enjoyed orange juice and lime on ice...it was HOT in Atlanta.

Yup, no one F'n cared...including me. They had wedding cake AND an ice cream sundae bar...there are so many wonderful things in life!
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