relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: ontario. Ca
Posts: 2
relapse
hello this is my first time here. As you have noticed the title is relapse well... i messed up i used today just a few hours ago meth... and i started smoking weed again three weeks ago after staying three months sober from drugs. I am very dissappointed in myself ihave been going to meetings these past few weeks but they aren't really for me they are kind of a trigger since i am usually full of anxiety in a room full of unfamiliar faces. So yea i used today i was just tired sick and tired of feeling sad and hopeless. I hate myself my life everything this world is so full of **** and i can't handle it. So um yea i have been having suicidal thoughts lately, and to be honest only the image of my fam seeing me dead is keeping me from doing it. But i am starting to care less and less so I don't know. I am so anti social i spend all day sleeping or inside. So whats the point of living if i am just wasting time i'm a waste of space. I just i don't know i am tired of being depressed my anxiety has such a tight hold on me i can barely talk to my own parents. Honestly i know i am blessed but i don't know why iam so hopeless and depressed all the time i am 20 years old and i am stuck on drugs since 13. i just wish i could finally stay sober and stop having feelings well thats all sorry for the essay and if i am all over the place too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 638
Welcome to SR. It's a big step to start a thread.
I was also more or less alone when I drank. The bottle was my company, other people were more of a nuisance and hindrance to my drinking. I've also spent good lenghts of time alone in my apartment, not going anywhere but for a smoke maybe, staying indoors all day long and not contacting anyone.
Maybe you are not as shy as you think you are. When I was somewhere at 22, I suppose that was where I knew I had a problem but ignored and kept drinking. I know now that the biggest blow on my confidence, self-esteem and courage, calmness has actually been drinking alcohol all along. The withdrawal itself can cause anxiety and negative thinking.
So... I didn't know that. And guess what happened? I started thinking that I really must be an anxious person with issues about people. I believed that, and that became another excuse to keep drinking. Guess what? I was wrong. It was the alcohol that caused it and the withdrawal. It messed me up.
I know now, and can recognize, that the withdrawal symptoms are very very similar to those times, today. Alcohol makes you blind to reality and overlaps it with an illusion that life is harder than it actually is, and distorts the self-image of the user. I know I wasn't actually that shy now, and could have maybe started to build a personality in the better direction, it may have automatically happened by putting the bottle down for good... Learning from the past is something that I find so important.
Good luck.
I was also more or less alone when I drank. The bottle was my company, other people were more of a nuisance and hindrance to my drinking. I've also spent good lenghts of time alone in my apartment, not going anywhere but for a smoke maybe, staying indoors all day long and not contacting anyone.
Maybe you are not as shy as you think you are. When I was somewhere at 22, I suppose that was where I knew I had a problem but ignored and kept drinking. I know now that the biggest blow on my confidence, self-esteem and courage, calmness has actually been drinking alcohol all along. The withdrawal itself can cause anxiety and negative thinking.
So... I didn't know that. And guess what happened? I started thinking that I really must be an anxious person with issues about people. I believed that, and that became another excuse to keep drinking. Guess what? I was wrong. It was the alcohol that caused it and the withdrawal. It messed me up.
I know now, and can recognize, that the withdrawal symptoms are very very similar to those times, today. Alcohol makes you blind to reality and overlaps it with an illusion that life is harder than it actually is, and distorts the self-image of the user. I know I wasn't actually that shy now, and could have maybe started to build a personality in the better direction, it may have automatically happened by putting the bottle down for good... Learning from the past is something that I find so important.
Good luck.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
They call the disease of addiction cunning, baffling and powerful for a reason. Most likely it's your addiction that is causing most of your depression and anxiety, or at the least making it much worse. It's a vicious circle where you have these feelings, you self medicate to get relief, then when the drugs leave your system the feelings come back stronger than ever, rinse and repeat. At some point you need to break that cycle to have a chance.
You stayed sober for 3 months so you know you can do it! Have you gone to see a doctor / therapist to find out if there is more to your depression and anxiety than just the addiction? If you were still having strong feelings of depression and anxiety after 3 months sober you might need some additional help for now. I know that I have struggled with depression and anxiety even when I was sober, but my drinking made it 100 times worse. I still have to treat it even though I am sober but it is so much more under control now, and I can see the day where I might be able to get off all medications. But like my addiction, it is something I know I am prone to and I will always have to keep my guard up so it doesn't get out of hand. The feeling of depression and anxiety when I am sober will lead me back out to a drink if I am not careful as the two are so closely related for me.
If you made it 3 months you can do this!
You stayed sober for 3 months so you know you can do it! Have you gone to see a doctor / therapist to find out if there is more to your depression and anxiety than just the addiction? If you were still having strong feelings of depression and anxiety after 3 months sober you might need some additional help for now. I know that I have struggled with depression and anxiety even when I was sober, but my drinking made it 100 times worse. I still have to treat it even though I am sober but it is so much more under control now, and I can see the day where I might be able to get off all medications. But like my addiction, it is something I know I am prone to and I will always have to keep my guard up so it doesn't get out of hand. The feeling of depression and anxiety when I am sober will lead me back out to a drink if I am not careful as the two are so closely related for me.
If you made it 3 months you can do this!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Welcome shy,
I had experiences much like you describe in early recovery...and even later on, they sometimes came back. I couldn't believe that MY life could turn around, so I wondered what the point of struggling with early sobriety was. All I can say is I borrowed hope. I kept hanging around here and reading posts, and going to meetings and talking to people who had lived the chaos and hopelessness that I had, and had turned things around and had a good life.
I borrowed hope from them. I mean, these people had MESSED UP. Big time, but here they were not only clean, but happy about it and enjoying life. I was baffled as to how they got there, but I couldn't deny that recovery was possible.
That alone didn't make me automatically feel better, but it kept me hanging in there until things started to make sense to me and I started experiencing some internal relief and changes in perspective.
When I did relapse in early recovery, it was not just a relapse to using/drinking, but a relapse of hopelessness. There I was, back down the rabbit hole and not knowing how to stop falling, let alone get out. The important thing for me was to NOT stop my recovery efforts (and here you are so I guess that is YOUR strategy as well) even while I was messing up, I kept reading, borrowing hope and coming here.
I tucked new ideas into my head, learned new skills and kept doing what others said had worked for them. I kept searching for answers and practices that would work for ME as well. I began to grasp every string and tie them together into a net that has caught me when I started falling many times.
I truly believe that you can have life long sobriety AND a life that you want to live.
W
I had experiences much like you describe in early recovery...and even later on, they sometimes came back. I couldn't believe that MY life could turn around, so I wondered what the point of struggling with early sobriety was. All I can say is I borrowed hope. I kept hanging around here and reading posts, and going to meetings and talking to people who had lived the chaos and hopelessness that I had, and had turned things around and had a good life.
I borrowed hope from them. I mean, these people had MESSED UP. Big time, but here they were not only clean, but happy about it and enjoying life. I was baffled as to how they got there, but I couldn't deny that recovery was possible.
That alone didn't make me automatically feel better, but it kept me hanging in there until things started to make sense to me and I started experiencing some internal relief and changes in perspective.
When I did relapse in early recovery, it was not just a relapse to using/drinking, but a relapse of hopelessness. There I was, back down the rabbit hole and not knowing how to stop falling, let alone get out. The important thing for me was to NOT stop my recovery efforts (and here you are so I guess that is YOUR strategy as well) even while I was messing up, I kept reading, borrowing hope and coming here.
I tucked new ideas into my head, learned new skills and kept doing what others said had worked for them. I kept searching for answers and practices that would work for ME as well. I began to grasp every string and tie them together into a net that has caught me when I started falling many times.
I truly believe that you can have life long sobriety AND a life that you want to live.
W
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Hi. The above three posts use the word FEELINGS. Years ago after joining AA I was told that alcohol was only the tip of the iceberg as far as MY problem is concerned. So true. In order to stay sober we need to be concerned and work on the reasons we drank. The feelings involves fear, anxiety, anger, loneliness and a bunch others that need to be paid attention to. BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Center of Mass
Posts: 622
Originally Posted by shyaddict909 
So um yea i have been having suicidal thoughts lately, and to be honest only the image of my fam seeing me dead is keeping me from doing it. But i am starting to care less and less so I don't know.
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