drumsaremylife

I have been dating a woman in her early twenties for a little over three months. Well, it recently ended. We met and fell madly in love. When we first started dating and hanging out, it was primarily in the evenings and at open jams and shows around town. She would normally have a few drinks in her by the time we would meet up, and then we would have a few more at the bar. In the mornings and weeks following, she would tell me stories she had already told me, not recalling that she told said stories or things about her life, previously. It was then that I realized this girl was very intoxicated in the evenings we shared our time together.

Time moved on. She began to open up and share with me that she dropped out of high school to attend rehab for alcohol and cocain. She then shared with me that her mother did not know she still consumed alcohol since rehab. After this, i tried to engage our dates with other activites that didn't involve alcohol. She was taking a couple college courses and liked to relax with me at home while i would cook and she would study. Occasionally she would drive over to my house, not seemingly drunk, but i could tell she was, trying to convince me to go out with her to the bars to drink. This is when I began to realize that she could hold her alcohol extremely well.

It was almost a month and a half in to our dating when I had to spend a couple weeks out of town for business. She would call me daily, sometimes up to three times a day. In those evening conversations at the studio, she would call me at 1 am, 2 am, 3 am, noticeably drunk, but still coherent. I either noticed her drinking habits were picking up, or I was just starting to realize she drank a lot as it was.

When I returned From my trip, she was out 3, 4, 5 nights a week drinking. One night i confronted her on it, as i began to notice her attitude changing. She no longer had the love and patience for our budding relationship, a loving relationship she previously claimed to desire. Since that time, I have witnessed her lose her car keys, house keys, school ID, drivers license, I have seen her drive drunk multiple occasions, I have helped her find her vehicle after a night of partying, I have picked her up from the club at 2 am when she called me too drunk to stand and walk to the cab that I ended up helping her home in. I have witnessed her finish a fifth in the afternoon with her two friends and then proceed to snort a massive line of MDMA. She has been out late, ignoring my calls, for me to find her out wasted with friends and taking lines of blow.

If this is the young woman I was originally dating, I can't believe I was so blind to these activities. However, I do feel her habits have gotten worse and I definitely feel her attitude changing. We are not seeing each other anymore as I have confronted her on these issues and told her I did not like being subjected to these behaviors by my partner, or even my friends. Although she admitted that she is in a "dark place", and she has made claims such as "oh no, I won't drink today" and then totally getting smashed, she still gets defensive and claims that she is in control and that I am being controlling. this resulted in minor fights and us no longer speaking.

I am a musician. I play shows at bars or venues with alcohol and substances every weekend. I have learned a great deal of discipline and self control being around this environment and I do believe i can recognize abusive behavior.

My concern is this: her mother doesn't know her habits. All her friends and advisors are also her drinking partners. She is terrified of informing her mother that she drinks because of her past with Rehab. And now she thinks i am a controlling ex-boyfriend and she wants nothing to do with me.

She has no one to really talk to or look up to for advice. I know she is scared. I guess since we are no longer dating i have already handled the situation wrong. I want to help her before she ends up getting in an accident (drunk driving), at the hospitol for over consumption (5'3 and 120 lbs) takin advantage of sexually (beautiful young woman who dresses to show it). I am worried for her.

Should i inform her mother that she drinks and of these concerns i have? If so, to what extent so that i spare embarrassment and hold trust? Is this serious enough for an intervention? Can she get worse? I need advice.

Thank you

least

That's a tough situation. If you tell her mother you risk her losing all trust in you and losing any influence you may have on her still. No matter what her mother says or does, getting clean and sober is strictly up to your exgf.

Not knowing the people involved it's hard to say. Is the mother a nice person? Does she really have her daughter's welfare at heart? It's hard to know what she would do with the information that her daughter was drinking again.


I really can't advise you on this matter but want to welcome you to SR. Others will come along and may be better able to give you feedback.

drumsaremylife

Thanks for the quick response. Her mother and I get along great, she is a sweetheart and I believe she feels the same about me. She is a very strong, ethnically hispanic woman who raised her daughter by herself - never married. I cant say i know her well enough To predict how she would handle it.

WhiteFeathers

Hey Drums!

It is so great you want to help your ex-girlfriend, but it seems she chose using over you. It sucks and it's very common. Usually people who are in new love relationships do not refer to themselves as being in a "dark place." But she is deeply entrenched in her addictions and wants any excuse.

There's not much you can do for her. She's got to figure it out on her own eventually... or not. That's how it goes. I know you would hate to see her get a DUI or get injured or raped (if you look around these boards, you'll see a lot of people got to sobriety by these unfortunate means), but that's what's called "bottoming out" around here. At some point there's nowhere to go but up.

Do you think her mother can help her? If you think she can, then go ahead and tell her. It probably doesn't really matter since she'll probably find out soon enough anyway. But she's as powerless as you are over your ex's addiction.

That's just my two cents. I wish all the best to you.

drumsaremylife

Well, I informed her mother. I am very confused now.

At first her mother was well responsive and praised me for sticking my neck out and informing her of her daughters relapse.

Her mother told me yesterday that she would deal with the issue. As of today I am being blocked by both her and her daughter on facebook and I cannot seem to get a hold of her mother. I have also had my ex call me screaming, telling me I am psychotic and to leave her family alone.

I am not sure what is going on now, but I was delicate and showed concern. Now I feel my concern is being considered as insanity. Is it possible she lied to her mother about the situation? I feel all I can do now is walk away and let time take its' toll.

Carlotta

What probably happened is that her mom confronted her with what you said, and her being an expert at manipulation like a lot of addicts turned it around and probably presented you as a stalking abusive creep. Of course, if her mom is a typical codie, she would rather stay in denial and go the known route with her daughter rather than believing you.
Count your blessings that you found out about her addiction before you got involved. Block her number just in case at some point she calls you with some manipulative drama and move on with your life.
There are plenty of nice women out there who are not abusing drugs and alcohol.
I'd suggest you read a few threads on the Friends and Family forum so you can see what you just escaped.
Good luck

Grateful Heart

Does she still visit and talk to her Mom? If she does I'm surprized that her Mom isn't aware of her relapse.

iwh

i think maybe leave it alone now. you can offer an open invitation for support when she wants it, but they both closed the door on you.

in the future, i don't think she wants you to go to her mom with her personal issues.

sorry.

drumsaremylife

Yes, almost once a week. The interesting part is that her mother said she noticed a change in her daughters attitude and was suspicious of this already.

I am blown away. Thank you everyone for your support and feedback. I feel defeated and heart broken. Perhaps I did not handle it properly. Either way, I've learned some lessons and I know what I need to do now - guess that's all I could ask for.

iwh

also you get a lot of credit for caring. you seemed to imply that you observed that many people around her don't. i hope she will realize that you want to help and care about her. though we all need to respect our personal boundaries.

keep on with the drums though, great instrument.

wolfpackfan45

Seems to me she probably denied it all when her mother confronted her and made up a story about why you'd "Lie" about it all. Mom's in denial and daughter is trying to hide it all. Just my opinion.