Do I belong?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 57
Do I belong?
Hi all,
A few questions. First, my story in a nutshell.
Pretty average life growing up, mom is crazy a lot of chaos. Been ****** up around food since I was about 16, party drinker since about that time, smoked a lot of weed for several years experimented with LSD shrooms hash and pain pills....my first real experice being ****** up was taking acid at school. The fourth time or so I did it, it was by myself in my bedroom when I was 16 after I got in a fight with my dad. BAD idea. Anyway. Drinking escalated but not so different from my friends, always abused it never just a drink or two. Almostyhe accidentally ODed on OxyContin, first try I cut up an 80mg pill and wasn't feel anything so took more and more and figured it was not working, until I had something to eat and I was ****** out of my mind. That made me give my head a shake.
Cue cocaine. I feel I was addicted before I ever tried it. Helped wih my ED cause I didn't have to eat. Anyway did it a few times recreationally /secretly in 2009, it quickly became all I wanted to do when I "went out". That eventually turned into "staying in". I had maybe used 6 or 7 times before I went to South America. I was fine for the first two months, but I remember being with this girl and saying I'd only go out that night (I had a flight at 6am the next morning) if we got coke. Anyway we found some, I found a local girl who knew someone, ended up getting ****** up in the bathroom all night and I went home with this girl and did whatever we had left. Mental obsession kicks in, I eventually meet some people in Colombia and we kill it for about a month solid.
Anyway I come home and it continues. I no longer hide it. I had four or five different friends that used, and if I had it I would do it in my bedroom by myself. I'd do it and clean the house. Id do it and workout.
I told my sister if she wanted to hangout that we were gonna be doing blow so it was up to her. Drinking escalated....I remember taking 4 shots of vodka and jumping in the car quick so I could get to the bar before it kicked in. Doing blow on random Wednesday nights in front of people. Cutting it up on a mirror in my car....pulling over into a coffee shop bathroom for another line (or who am I kidding, 2 or 3),'taking a few lines to sober me up so I could drive....etc. taking benzos (Valium) to help taper off cause I got real bad anxiety.
Anyway. I have been in recovery for an ED For 2 years and in aa for five months. The obsession with cocaine is loud and I still dream about it, think about it first thing in the morning, I fantasize about it. I sometimes start to wonder how I could get it, I would do it by myself or at work I don't care. It makes me feel so much better about everything.
But I haven't used in over 2 years. And i was actially able to stop. Am i an addict? do i belong in 12 step rooms? But the craving is still intense. Wtf do in do? I'm working the steps but this won't go away. I still fantasize about the people I used with and the things we did and man I just would feel so much better if I had a line to wake me up in the morning. I am a smart successful professional young woman. I'm not using but I'm obsessed.
I went to a CA meeting but feel like cause I only used for a year or two, that I'm not qualified to be there. Some of them are injection drug users. But I liked the meeting, I can relate more to addicts than alcoholics.
Anyway, I'm glad I got that all out there. Any advice is much appreciated!
JS
Forgive any typos I'm on my phone.
A few questions. First, my story in a nutshell.
Pretty average life growing up, mom is crazy a lot of chaos. Been ****** up around food since I was about 16, party drinker since about that time, smoked a lot of weed for several years experimented with LSD shrooms hash and pain pills....my first real experice being ****** up was taking acid at school. The fourth time or so I did it, it was by myself in my bedroom when I was 16 after I got in a fight with my dad. BAD idea. Anyway. Drinking escalated but not so different from my friends, always abused it never just a drink or two. Almostyhe accidentally ODed on OxyContin, first try I cut up an 80mg pill and wasn't feel anything so took more and more and figured it was not working, until I had something to eat and I was ****** out of my mind. That made me give my head a shake.
Cue cocaine. I feel I was addicted before I ever tried it. Helped wih my ED cause I didn't have to eat. Anyway did it a few times recreationally /secretly in 2009, it quickly became all I wanted to do when I "went out". That eventually turned into "staying in". I had maybe used 6 or 7 times before I went to South America. I was fine for the first two months, but I remember being with this girl and saying I'd only go out that night (I had a flight at 6am the next morning) if we got coke. Anyway we found some, I found a local girl who knew someone, ended up getting ****** up in the bathroom all night and I went home with this girl and did whatever we had left. Mental obsession kicks in, I eventually meet some people in Colombia and we kill it for about a month solid.
Anyway I come home and it continues. I no longer hide it. I had four or five different friends that used, and if I had it I would do it in my bedroom by myself. I'd do it and clean the house. Id do it and workout.
I told my sister if she wanted to hangout that we were gonna be doing blow so it was up to her. Drinking escalated....I remember taking 4 shots of vodka and jumping in the car quick so I could get to the bar before it kicked in. Doing blow on random Wednesday nights in front of people. Cutting it up on a mirror in my car....pulling over into a coffee shop bathroom for another line (or who am I kidding, 2 or 3),'taking a few lines to sober me up so I could drive....etc. taking benzos (Valium) to help taper off cause I got real bad anxiety.
Anyway. I have been in recovery for an ED For 2 years and in aa for five months. The obsession with cocaine is loud and I still dream about it, think about it first thing in the morning, I fantasize about it. I sometimes start to wonder how I could get it, I would do it by myself or at work I don't care. It makes me feel so much better about everything.
But I haven't used in over 2 years. And i was actially able to stop. Am i an addict? do i belong in 12 step rooms? But the craving is still intense. Wtf do in do? I'm working the steps but this won't go away. I still fantasize about the people I used with and the things we did and man I just would feel so much better if I had a line to wake me up in the morning. I am a smart successful professional young woman. I'm not using but I'm obsessed.
I went to a CA meeting but feel like cause I only used for a year or two, that I'm not qualified to be there. Some of them are injection drug users. But I liked the meeting, I can relate more to addicts than alcoholics.
Anyway, I'm glad I got that all out there. Any advice is much appreciated!
JS
Forgive any typos I'm on my phone.
You'll find lots of support here.
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Welcome to SR, JS. Thanks for posting and well done on 2+ years. If you enjoy the CA meetings and get something out of them, by all means keep going back. It's not how long we used our DOC for or how much of it we did that qualifies us, but what it did to us, our powerlessness over it and, most of all, our desire to stop using.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 57
Thanks all. When I post stuff like this I don't know what kind of answer I want or expect. It's like I want you to either tell me "yes you definitely have a problem" or "no get out of here!"
I don't know myself, that's a big part of the problem here. I'm looking for you to tell me who I am so that I can decide how I feel about myself. I know that's not your purpose.
Just saying.
I don't know myself, that's a big part of the problem here. I'm looking for you to tell me who I am so that I can decide how I feel about myself. I know that's not your purpose.
Just saying.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Just read your story. Sorry...uh uh..no way am I gonna say "get outta here". IMHO, you definitely belong in recovery like the rest of us. You have a whole lot going on there inside precious you that you just might wanna get to the bottom of. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 139
Just a question, how long do you think someone has to take a substance before its considered an addiction? 1-2 years doesn't sound like recreational use. I've never done coke, and I'm no expert at anything, but the relationship you had/have with coke, and the way you describe your cravings sounds like an addiction serious enough that it needs addressing. If you liked the meeting, go back. I bet the people at your meeting who are/were IV users wish they had gotten help when they were just at the stage you're at. Good luck- hope that wasn't too blunt!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
"The obsession with cocaine is loud and I still dream about it, think about it first thing in the morning, I fantasize about it. I sometimes start to wonder how I could get it, I would do it by myself or at work I don't care. It makes me feel so much better about everything."
You wonder if your an addict? And you go to AA and CA? Why? To admire the wall paintings or to participate in RECOVERY? "I am a smart successful professional young woman. I'm not using but I'm obsessed." Even not using it seems your under the influence of something that I refused to admit to myself when I first got to AA and is part of the second step. I wish you luck. I know I'm not soft and cuddly but at times I have a inner need to be blunt and honest. BE WELL
You wonder if your an addict? And you go to AA and CA? Why? To admire the wall paintings or to participate in RECOVERY? "I am a smart successful professional young woman. I'm not using but I'm obsessed." Even not using it seems your under the influence of something that I refused to admit to myself when I first got to AA and is part of the second step. I wish you luck. I know I'm not soft and cuddly but at times I have a inner need to be blunt and honest. BE WELL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 57
Thanks everyone, I APPRECIATE the bluntness. Great point, am I going to 12 step meetings to admire the artwork? I told this to my sponsor when I first started in aa, that part if me felt like I just wanted to be in aa so I could "make friends", and she laughed and said there are LOTS of other things I could join. Touché.
I'm doing something strange in my head here. My mom always told me I was a hypochondriac, that something was always wrong with me....and like I remember when I was a kid and my friend broke her arm I made a fake cast out of paper and told people I broke my arm too. Am I just doing that with program? Making up an ill was to get attention or belong? Or is this my disease talking?
You know how the big book says we can not tell the truth from the false? That's me right now.
I'm doing something strange in my head here. My mom always told me I was a hypochondriac, that something was always wrong with me....and like I remember when I was a kid and my friend broke her arm I made a fake cast out of paper and told people I broke my arm too. Am I just doing that with program? Making up an ill was to get attention or belong? Or is this my disease talking?
You know how the big book says we can not tell the truth from the false? That's me right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 57
I try to read my story with "fresh eyes" but I get so wrapped up in justifying why it's not "bad enough". Then that part of me says well just to out and get ****** up a few more times to qualify. That sounds like disease to me....go on a couple wild benders, suffer some more, get high and to to work a few times and then Ive earned my seat.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Just remember there are NO guarantees you can make it back for so many reasons. I've seen many not make it for too many reasons. Like death from depression, accidents, shame, giving up etc. BE WELL
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Originally Posted by Jakeysnakey 
Thanks everyone, I APPRECIATE the bluntness. Great point, am I going to 12 step meetings to admire the artwork? I told this to my sponsor when I first started in aa, that part if me felt like I just wanted to be in aa so I could "make friends", and she laughed and said there are LOTS of other things I could join. Touché.
I'm doing something strange in my head here. My mom always told me I was a hypochondriac, that something was always wrong with me....and like I remember when I was a kid and my friend broke her arm I made a fake cast out of paper and told people I broke my arm too. Am I just doing that with program? Making up an ill was to get attention or belong? Or is this my disease talking?
You know how the big book says we can not tell the truth from the false? That's me right now.
I'm doing something strange in my head here. My mom always told me I was a hypochondriac, that something was always wrong with me....and like I remember when I was a kid and my friend broke her arm I made a fake cast out of paper and told people I broke my arm too. Am I just doing that with program? Making up an ill was to get attention or belong? Or is this my disease talking?
You know how the big book says we can not tell the truth from the false? That's me right now.
Originally Posted by Jakeysnakey
I try to read my story with "fresh eyes" but I get so wrapped up in justifying why it's not "bad enough". Then that part of me says well just to out and get ****** up a few more times to qualify. That sounds like disease to me....go on a couple wild benders, suffer some more, get high and to to work a few times and then Ive earned my seat.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Westerville Oh
Posts: 24
Wow...I have to thank god I had just 'had enough' seems to me you've got a serious struggle goin on...talk it out...what does your heart tell you? I know one thing...you cant have it both ways. ...hang in there I can relate!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Jakeysnakey
I try to read my story with "fresh eyes" but I get so wrapped up in justifying why it's not "bad enough". Then that part of me says well just to out and get ****** up a few more times to qualify. That sounds like disease to me....go on a couple wild benders, suffer some more, get high and to to work a few times and then Ive earned my seat.
You do not need to earn your place here. It is not a contest to see who can survive the worst experience. Your story is yours. Only you can own it. And only you can change it.
Just keep reminding yourself of who you really want to be:
"I am a smart successful professional young woman. I'm not using."
Yes, I shortened it. Stay positive!
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by 08FLHTP
You do not need to earn your place here. It is not a contest to see who can survive the worst experience. Your story is yours. Only you can own it. And only you can change it.
I did the same as you, questioned whether or not I was an addict for a long time. Long enough for my opiate addiction to go from a more manageable place into IV use. You do NOT want to do that! It is absolutely not a contest, it is about you deciding what kind of life you want to have.
If you are obsessing over using, if you find your life unmanageable and that drugs/obsession have taken over then you belong in recovery. That and the desire to quit are the only requirements. I think that's what they say in CA too. So if it helped go on back there!
And, welcome to SR! Stick around, keep reading and posting, this is an amazing place.
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