Nuudawn

Difficult days of late. Stress at work and with people. Disappointing and surprising news that left me scrambling. Wah wah. I decided it was time to stop drinking because I figured it was the apex of my addictions/struggles in life which I named my toxic triangle; alcohol, cigarettes and emotionally abusive relationships or alternatively, complete avoidance of the latter: isolation numbed with my toxic companions of wine and cigarettes.

I've been a bit lonely and when my messed up/emotionally abusive ex contacted me. I figured he was the lesser of my evils. To be blunt, I figured I needed some physical contact to ease the "vacancy" I felt. Ya well that didn't work out so well. As usual, it turned into world war and I got anxious, angry and riled up as usual....I never learn.

Today at the hairdresser's (she smokes), after she finished my highlights, I said "hey let's go smoke!". I ripped off my patch. She knows I have quit and said "you sure". Yup! So I smoked. It hit the spot. Later I went out and bought a pack. I smoked some...but realized I don't want that either. I threw them away.

I really thought that when I quit drinking...everything would fall into line. I would no longer pick up cigarettes which I have been fighting with for about 3 years. I figured I wouldn't let him back either as it's been a revolving door. I blamed alcohol for everything. But it's more than that....much more.

All I do know is I cannot give up my sobriety. All I have is my mind in this war within. I will not leave myself further vulnerable. Obviously I have much more to work out within...

Recently I have read, in a number of different places, about addictions filling a hole within. I have heard it referred to as a "God sized hole" from a Christian author ..or a spiritual hole by a "spiritual" author who gleaned wisdom from many faiths and sources...one being AA.

All I do now...is sobriety is the only shot I have at healing whatever hole I have; the hole that looks for feeds in a variety of ways....cigarettes, sugar, sex...alcohol. Thankfully..drugs never fit the bill for me..other than occasional use if I was drinking as it would add to the escape. But I never found what I was looking for in drugs. I guess that's just one less thing for me to barnacle to as I strive to fill that "hole".

I struggle on...

Thanks for reading.

OneLessLonely

Luckily I had been forewarned that stopping drinking didn't turn my life in unicorns and rainbows so I didn't have that letdown when life kept being sometimes stressful, overwhelming, and/or less than perfect. I think I got hit with some pretty stressful events about 4 months in. I physically writhed with misery. But I embraced the "suck" and moved through the pain rather than hide from it. And it made me stronger. You're supposed to have bad days and stressful times. Sometimes it's telling you that you need to reevaluate choices, beliefs, anything that will keep you on the sober path. When you can't change it, accept it and move forward. It's hard I know but fight tooth and nail through it.

trikyriky

I think you know the answer , the EX is not . Is anyone ever truly fulfilled. Having conquered sobeiety , don't we find other things to obsess. I do. If I'm not drugging , I'm overeating , over anxious , a worrier. Not nice to be around. I try to fill lonely time with family , work , SR but there is still a hole , a void . You deserve to be happy , I hope you can be , friend

Abetterway

Nuu,
I've gotten a lot from each of your posts so thanks for the insight. I think you kind of already said exactly what I would have said to you. It's deep and quitting using just exposes how huge the hole is. That's the challenge of life. Recognizing that it isn't easy and doing it with grace.
Thanks for your honesty.

Soberpotamus

So then focus on the sobriety and steer clear of the ex... Sounds like not much good comes of that relationship.

Sorry you are struggling lately *hugs*

You doing anything for relaxation or just plain fun?

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Eddiebuckle

Which is why in NA they say "one is too many and a thousand not enough." Alcohol or drug abuse is an attempt to satiate that need, but at best only temporarily distracts us from its existence. Over time our addiction isolates us from the world around us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

When I was first told there was a difference between abstinence and sobriety, I was convinced they were trying to get me to drink the kool aid and become some sort of 12 step slave. Having managed to stay sober for over three years, I do believe there is a difference and you can see it pretty quickly once you get to know the person in question. Those that are merely abstinent are still, in one form or many, unsuccessfully trying to fill that spiritual hole with something other than spirituality.

Nuudawn

Thank Jen. Thank you all. I realized today I HAVE to start running again. I have to exorcise my "sloth" and exercise some of this rubbish from my being. I have 3 days off this weekend. I'm heading up country to an outdoor festival whose musical headliner is a longtime favourite of mine. I was supposed to be bringing my sis..but she has chosen to blow me and the trip off in favour of another trip with a drinking friend (that's a whole other thread)..

At any rate, I've been looking for another friend to accompany me..but it's looking like I'm going alone. I will park my lawnchair in the sun..and listen to some great tunes. Probably a solo drive/trip..will do me good. I hope.

soberlicious

I began to really examine and redefine what "happiness" is and what it means. I found that contrary to what I had believed my whole life, happiness is not the absence of pain. When I no longer believed that there was a hole that needed to be filled, things changed for me.

Nuudawn

Ah...Grace (smiles). You said a mouthful there Abetterway...thank you.

functionalmess

Good for you ND. I hope you enjoy the music.

Soberpotamus

The music festival sounds like a great weekend plan. And the running will help you feel better and rest easier at night. It does seem to help regulate my anxiety some.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Mizzuno

Nuudawn,
Im really digging the writer voice in you. Thank you once again for sharing and creating a wonderful piece of art to read.

Now, I think that filling the hole is something that we all try to do. I have at least. The space is always there. Drinking, smoking and screwing really allows us to avoid the empty space, or to fill it temporarily. This HOLE is the reason I went out and got wasted for 3 years (partially, and thinking that I could) after a year of sobriety. It was not fun, and I do not ever want to be on that road again. Anyways, I hear ya. It has been suggested that meditation is a valuable tool in this "Hole" filling quest. I dont know, because I will not allow myself to sit long enough, in the merry go round that is my brain, to find out. I hear that it can work. So, what do you think of meditation?

Nuudawn

O-M-G Mizz..thank you for your response. Your compliments touched my heart and your language/comments bout the merry go round of your brain made me laugh. Thank you. Meditation? Ya..I think there's something there. Again...I must fight the sloth...and my own merry go round/tilta-whirl thing in my brain I got goin on here myself.

BabyJane

Ah, yes I have an inner sloth too! Perhaps we should name them? I'm going to call mine 'Sleeper' because she likes to stay in bed late and read while eating pop-tarts. Ha.

For me, its a lot like what you describe... Always an excuse why I can't do the hard work today but can allow myself to "slip up" as far as other bad habits go. Now sober from alcohol and drugs, I turn to food, shopping and sex to distract myself from the more difficult things like stepwork and my lack of a career. I'm usually paying my bills on the last day, or late, and I thought sobriety would revel this responsible super-woman instead of a scared little girl (or Sleepy the sloth lady) but I am still the same person I was during my drinking and drugging in many ways. This disturbs me but its so easy to stay in the same old behavior patterns and use the excuse that as long as I'm sober I am doing enough.

It's not going to sustain me forever, I know that. So thank you for this post because I need a wake-up call too. You're not alone in this struggle with inner termoil and temptation. I did something today I wasn't proud of; I flirted with a man (I'm engaged) and also bought silly things I didn't need while shopping. Both filled me up and gave me that "high" for about 30 minutes and then it was shame and regret, all the way. I'm questioning myself and I need to do that, like you are doing.

You seem to have a very keen sense of self and your honesty is refreshing. Maybe you made these mistakes but you are aware of them... Tomorrow is a new day. We can both watch for our Sloth and watch for the impulses to escape - I hope you feel much better knowing that at least you are a valuable part of this sober community!

Thanks for the post!

bigsombrero

Good post that is a great example of how I feel very often. This is not just an alcohol thing for me. This problem is bigger than that. With smoking, coffee, gambling, ice cream, you name it - if I can somehow raise or lower my moods with a substance, I'll do it. And just like you I also feel lucky that drugs didn't get me, but they very well could have if it had been a different time in my life.

Cross-addictions can be depressing because you eventually come to realize that you're an addict. Quitting drinking was a huge leap for me but there are so many other hurdles and I become depressed when I see other addictions still hanging around my life. However, coming to this realization is a victory in itself - it shows that you've learned to recognize your behavior, and that you've become more self-aware.

There is no need to beat yourself up, recovering from addiction starts with becoming as informed as possible on your own situation. Patience is a huge blessing, if you can learn to accept being patient, and if you couple that with education you are on your way to continued improvement. Thanks for the post!

functionalmess

It's like a measure of our setbacks. Before the booze I was known as hardworking, diligent, methodical and now...the booze may be gone, but so much has been sucked down that pervasive hole. Coping mechanisms, work ethic, attention to detail. Rebuilding these things seems overwhelming and sometimes that alone becomes the deterrent. I also think that we fall back to our vices because the excuses are easier than embracing the path that clarity of thought and vision may lay before us. Our lives have been moulded to our vices for years...what makes me think that my kids, my marriage, my friends will just magically transform to fill my needs as now defined through sobriety?

I'm running for my health and I hope Nu is too. I want to move forwards, not back and I think you've got the right approach. Manage your expectations and keep one foot in front of the other. Your words put me back in motion (that's right, you're awesome!) ND...I'm off to read "Hover Car Racer" with my seven year old.

Nuudawn

Exactly Baby Jane. Thank you for hearing me.

And Sombrero... "if I can somehow raise or lower my moods with a substance, I'll do it."

Thank you both for being there in the hole there with me : )

I am reminded of a fabulous youtube link someone posted here the other day on "Vulnerability" where the speaker uses the example of falling into a hole and the difference of empathy and sympathy. If you happened to see it...

Thank you for not standing at the top of that hole and offering me a sandwich but instead, let me know, you're right down in the hole there with me.

Thank you all : )

RobbyRobot

"I'm a bit lonely"
"I figured I needed some physical contact to ease the "vacancy" I felt"
"I never learn"

You know, loneliness was the most intensely challenging of all my drinking experiences when I decided to become core honest with myself about why I drank in the ways I did for so many ruined and wasted years.

Sex unfortunately is a truly cheap choice when taken to make the loneliness something other than loneliness. Cheap and casual sex just creates more loneliness by kicking the loneliness can down the road, I have seriously learned the hard-way over and over again. Loneliness creates/makes opportunities for sex look more attractive then even the actual partner presents as a desirable person. How low is low? It doesn't much matter when one is drunk enough to not care. Drinking can briefly turn all ugliness into beautiful if only for a night and a time. How lame is that?

The physical touch thing is important to me. More than important. It is required, or else something in me really struggles to stay alive. While drinking, that same something was dying out, drying out, numbing out. While not drinking, it was either get it going on, or suffer like all kinds of crazy. Seriously.

In my rehab stay back in 1981, I stayed overnight with a girl I met at the dry dance being held. Doing this of course broke curfew. They locked the doors, and when I did get back in the early morning hours, I ended up sleeping in the garage. I didn't actually sleep, but more really faced what I was doing with my "loneliness"

It was originally setup as a routine six month stay, with options to stay longer. For my loneliness challenges, and for other reasons, I moved out as a graduate after three months. I got my own place, and spent a lot of my time for the next few years changing out girlfriends and casual dates. There is more to this story, but not for this post. I just want you to know I can relate with your struggles, and your recent choices, Nuudawn.

Also in my somewhat early sobriety, I quit cigarettes too. Lasted about six weeks smoke-free, and the same night I eventually took up smoking again was with the girl I had just met and slept with. Go figure. Never saw her again. I didn't quit cigarettes successfully for many years after that. I've been smoke free now since early 2004. Or around that time, weirdly, I kinda forget that particular exact month/date for whatever reason.

So yeah, I have empathy for you, Nuudawn.

As each day without drinking turned eventually into weeks, then months, and then years and now into decades of not drinking, I changed for the better into a person who doesn't chase loneliness down the rabbit-hole anymore. Doesn't mean I don't ever feel being lonely, I do. Doesn't mean I'm immune to being challenged, because I'm not.

What has changed, is I don't chase for a remedy to my loneliness within my relationships, intimate or otherwise. I'm responsible for myself, even in my lonely times. I've learned not to kick that can down the road anymore for whatever reason. I seek inside me for my working solutions to my past loneliness experiences. It's really an inside job.

As a result, my relationships with others are more than enough and of a wonderful quality that my days of suffering for being lonely are well in my past. I finally learned.

Nuudawn, as you too don't return to drinking, eventually you'll reach a tipping point where your own self-worth is offering more than your loneliness can possibly require, and when that happens, and it will, you too will experience the kind of responsibility that makes any of us achieve the best results with our personal challenges.

Forget about the trip up with the smoking. Keep on keeping on. Keep doing the next right thing with not drinking. Re-visit not smoking again as you may or may not wish. Keep satisfied with not drinking, and figure things out from that place first and best going forward.




Awesome going on keeping sober through these recent challenges, Nuudawn.

Nuudawn

Thank you Robby...your wisdom and experience was not lost on me. I appreciate your response tremendously. Makes a whole lotta sense.

GreenEggsAndHam

I realized after a comment in an AA meeting that every time I had greatly reduced drinking in the past I used something else to replace it - spending (oh the debt!!), food (became morbidly obese), men (addicted to the attention), etc.

I'm trying to fill the hole with healthy things such as spending time with my kids or the gym (haven't actually been back to the gym yet, but it's a goal).