Lyoness

Your daughters are in full blown addiction and are having consequences, intense consequences from it. And they are probably having trouble getting drugs so might be going into withdrawals. These could be really good things if they choose to wake up and make change. Because of the nature of addiction, they may not choose to yet. And unfortunately, you have absolutely no control over this twofish.

I would strongly encourage you to not read/answer any messages from your daughters right now. You do not need, nor do you deserve, to have a pile of venom and abuse thrown at you. You do not have to read or accept them. You don't.

Your daughters are in the thick of their sickness and want to blame you and lash at you for it. But you are not responsible. Make this your new mantra--You are NOT responsible. They are responsible for their choices and actions, even in the thick of their disease.

If you can't sleep, can you distract yourself with a book or something funny on tv or soft music? You need something to allow you mind to relax and stop obsessing, even a little. I know this sounds absolutely impossible but you might find it is even a little bit possible.

Regarding losing friends after your injuries, I'm so sorry about that. It does happen. I have Fibromyalgia, Depression, PTSD, etc., and have definitely lost friends over the course of these illnesses. It is hard and feels lonely. That is why you need to reach out to a new set of people who are better matched with you. Alanon, etc. And maybe you could find a pain or osteoporosis support group in your area, later when things calm down.

I'm guessing you had/have pain meds for you injuries which explains how your daughters stole it. If you do continue on meds, you might want to invest in a lockbox to keep them in. That way you have the key and the only access to them.

Take care.

Ann

Twofish, I am the mother of an addicted adult son who has been missing, lost in his addiction for about 9 years now.

For years and years I tried, I let him come home numerous times thinking if he had a safe and loving place to be he would stay clean. My husband gave him a job in his business thinking that if he gave him responsibility and something to do and income to save for a place of his own once he was stable and grounded, it would keep him clean. He would stay clean for a while...then it would start...the stealing, lying, using, cell phone craziness, jail and bail, finding him lawyers to give him another chance and yes the endless calls for prescription money and other emergencies that just went to drugs...and it just made it worse. I cried, begged, negotiated, followed, paid more and paid less, drove through bad neighbourhoods where no mama ought ever go at midnight and literally almost died myself in my efforts to save him.

What I learned is that I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. His recovery is not mine to control. No matter what I do, he cannot be saved until he is willing to save himself. He did manage a year clean, then three years, but each time he relapsed and fell deeper into the dark abyss of addiction. Each time I fell into the deep abyss of codependency...until I learned that I cannot live in his addiction and my own recovery at the same time. Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could not one of us would be here at SR. I almost died trying and decided that dying wouldn't help him either and so I reached out and found a reason to live.

I learned that all my efforts just made my son's life and using drugs easier for him. I was an enabler of the worst kind, who thought I was just a mama who loved her son. A recovering addict named Jon, the founder of SoberRecovery, once told me "you just might love your son into the grave." Harsh words that hurt my heart but they were the exact words that turned my life around and made me stop enabling my son and instead find help for myself.

Today I give my son's care to God every morning in prayer and let Him do for my son what I cannot. Then I live my day well, not in the darkness of fear but in the light of faith. I embrace each sunrise and new day and at night before I go to bed I say "Thank You" to God for getting me through another day and for caring for my son.

I got from "then" to "now" by going to meetings. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home fellowship until we moved a few years back, and Al-anon and Nar-anon have helped me too, all similar fellowships that are about us finding a better healthier way to live, and not about our children or their substance. Those meetings and SR literally changed my life.

I have posted on the Family and Friends of Substance Abusers forum for 11 years now, and that's where I have found my peace. You are welcome to join us there, there are many mamas there who can share their experience, strength and hope with you.

I rarely post up here but saw your thread this morning and felt compelled to reach out my hand and share my story with you. You don't have to live in your daughters' addiction, in a world filled with darkness and fear. It won't help them and it just may kill you as it almost killed me. There is hope for them but that hope lies in their own efforts to get clean in their own time. There is hope for you but first you have to change your focus from them back to yourself...or die trying.

My prayers go out for your daughters, and for you and your family. Addiction truly is a family disease and leaves none of us unscathed, Recovery for us, those who love addicted family or friends, is the only way out of that dark place of fear and exhaustion.

Maybe today give thought to how you can help yourself. Find a meeting, share with others who have been where you are, and know you are among friends who understand. You may not like our stories but you will find a familiar ring to them that you cannot deny, and you will find a better way to live...if you are willing.

Hugs

Twofish

No sleep, dogs fed, I picked some flowers, made me smile, thinking back 4 or 5 yrs ago when the girls and I planted that lily bed. It's so big now and colorful . Ha, we worked so hard to put in that flowerbed and it shows. Daily for weeks now, the flowers keep blooming, are they waiting for my girls to shine their beautiful smiles down on them? This is a bittersweet yet comforting memory to me. Just 3 weeks ago we talked about the anticipation of their blooming, yeah mom, I'm gonna help you with the flowers, I hear this in my mind. Now the memory stings as I think about it. I picked two vases worth, in three different colors. This will make my husband smile when he wakes up. He's stronger now, more accepting and has a plan on how to proceed with the girls. I have this feeling they are coming home when I will be alone. If it's a negative, drug/money seeking visit I will remain calm, for my safety, I should call the police, I feel vulnerable alone, once the guys leave for vaca in a few hours. A few more hours and my son will be out of this nightmare physically and my husband can talk to him, comfort him and explain why we/did what we had to do. Oh yea, I did pick the truck up yesterday, the shop did a perfect repair job on the damage the older girl did to it, you would never know what it has been thru. A long distant memory of the accident that drug addiction had caused. This is day 9 of my nightmare, is that all? Feels like day 90. Stay with me a little bit longer SR, please walk with my heart and tell me what to do. I will be alone in two short hours when they leave. I did shut this drug ringing phone off, the older girls phone. It was the right thing to do, these people sure arn't calling me on that phone. Ok, I will stop, got it out, thanks for reading SR, what am I gonna do...

Twofish

OMG! Lyoness and Ann, thank you thank you thank you. You both have just snapped me out of this vicious cycle I have been in, truly you are being sent to be from God above. To answer a question, yes there are/were drugs in my house, that have been stolen from me for months now. I did do the safe thing, I hide the safe, put the key in my pocket, and guess what? They found a screw driver and hammer and literary smashed it open. I couldn't believe it, they didn't even hide the destroyed safe, just left it there, empty, and denied doing it, they lied, lied and lied some more. I understand the family disease thing and now accept, admit and am going forward now in seeing that they are sick not me. It's there problem not mine. I feel different now, I see things differently now. Why beat myself up over their addiction? I still feel I must help them, but not at the risk of my life or the other members of this family. I'm gonna go find myself a friend today. Thanks again, I'm soooo grateful to SR, you're so good to and for me. Twofish

Twofish

Well,they're gone, (husband and son) just left on the big diving adventure they so desperately need. Get away from the daily heartaches that the thalls of drug addiction put on the family, the innocent ones, the ones who just want to be loved and to love others. To belong in a family that's not falling apart. My husband almost didn't go, he didn't want me to be alone with my mind, unprotected , vulnerable in case the girls showed up wanting something. Or one of their druggy friends wanting to "teach" me a lesson when I interfered in my daughters lives. I just made it uncomfortable for my girls. I was sick of the lies, lies and more lies, the stealing of money and meds, heck, they even stole my sons 30 day supply of Ritalin, and as you know, Drs don't refill schedule II drugs but only every 28 days no exceptions. He never liked his Ritalin but it did drastically improve his grades and attention, I'm ranting again, sorry. It's so easy to talk to someone after so many years (well only 2) of silence, avoidance and isolation. I almost went crazy and was accused of going crazy because so much money and meds would disappear every time the girls came home from college. My Dr. kept increasing the morphine I am on because I was going thru so many and still in pain. He had me taking 240mg, 8 pills/day. I would maybe take 2 or 3 and still end up drastically short each month, so he didn't know, like me, he just kept giving me more. Well I know where they went now, we all do. Her friends, who enjoyed the pills too, confirmed the truth the day I called the police on my drugged up children. Three of them have been over to my house, crying, for fear I will mention them to the police or their parents. I don't know what to do about that situation...they pleaded with me they would stop, get clean. More lies perhaps? My concern right now is MY girls, not everybody else's the police know nothing yet. The cell phone went on vaca with my husband. We think we might use it as a tool to get my girls to consider rehab when court time comes around, that's when they will see for themselves how deep the drug use was/is. Someday I might even share with her the pain and hell she put us thru, her brother thru, so when she is clean and sober, if she is tempted to use, she might think twice before getting high, of course assuming she agrees to rehab/treatment...oh I did it again, please tell me to shorten the posts, now, no, I'm sorry girls I had to do what I did to save your precious beautiful life, someday, I pray soon, you will thank me and thank SR for their guidance they so willingly gave your mom during this addiction nightmare. This is only day 9 of the nightmares of addiction. Talk with you soon and most grateful for all the support Twofish

Ann

What if...what if "we" detached from the situation and just told the truth and didn't hide anything no matter what people promised, what if we didn't try to control the situation and let the chips fall where they may? What if there were no bargains, no bail, no lawyers paid for, and we just let the judge decide what is appropriate?

You don't have to answer, I don't expect you to, and if you are like I was at this stage of the game, you're probably not quite done and that's okay too. But maybe just give that some thought and imagine a world where you could be happy and free...regardless of what your daughters chose to do. Imagine how wise they will become when they have to learn to take care of themselves. Don't rob them of the lessons, instead start taking your mind on a vacation through a good book or a walk in nature or taking up a hobby (I took up photography and it's the best way I know to take my mind some place good). The more you focus on you and living your life well, the less you will worry (or obsess which is what I did) about what the girls are doing. Worry never changes the outcome, it just eats us alive if we let it.

Hope you have a wonderful day today filled with good things that are all about you...because you are worth it.

Hugs

cbsmith

That's good advice, Ann.

Seren

This, in its entirety, bears repeating. I hope you will find some way to allow these words to be heard today by your mind and your heart.

Please take good care

Lyoness

I thank you Ann, too. Your words are gold.

Twofish, it sounds like you are turning a corner, that is incredible, especially as it's only been nine days. Though I think you've known deep down that something has not been right for a long time. And even though it is incredibly painful, now that you do know the healing is beginning.

And please don't fret over ranting, etc. If we didn't want to read your posts we wouldn't. And know, too, that by sharing your story you are helping people you don't even know and will likely never meet.

Hoping for a calm, peaceful, and beautiful day for you. Take care.

Twofish

Yes, thank you again. I just got home, I went for a ride to the grocery store to buy a smoothly and darn it if I didn't see homeless people out in this heat, it's 87 out right now. These poor folks are just wandering around, talking to themselves, caring all their stuff in paper sacks...then my mind started up again, my girls are they hungry, overheated, thirsty needing a hug. God, I'm addicted to my girls, if this is what withdrawals feels like, it's not fun, it hurts and I want to help them sooo badly right now, I just want to give them just a little money, I'm afraid I can't stop. I was so content before I saw those two men, just walking, hot, sweaty and they looked like they were lost, like nobody loved them. It took all my effort not to stop and help them, just a ride or a few bucks. Then I remembered my girls, the tears are back now. I was about to just txt them and sent them a little money, but I enjoy this forum so much, I checked it first before my children, and I saw and read what my dear cyber friends Lyoness and Ann said. So I thought about it , almost like a craving this feels like, but I didn't contact the girls and I didn't send them any money yet. I want to forgive them, just start over however what you said about teaching them a lesson, to figure out this for themselves? Do you know me Ann? I say this because I indeed have suspected something for 6 months now and I have been unhappy and sad for years. I don't say this for sympathy, I say it cause you're right, everything, you my friend Ann, you are very wise. Thanks for saving me this time, day 9 is new, but it feels like I've been denying this for a very long time. Please stay with me, train me, guide me gently on how to be strong. Please just a little while longer, be my cyber friend. Twofish

bigsombrero

Chiming in late, but I am 97% sure that "hundo" means $100 bucks. Many of my friends are from Wisconsin and back in the day it was not uncommon to hear someone say "I spent a hundo at the bar last night".

That said, it often will also refer to a specific amount of drugs that COSTS $100. So "give me a hundo" could mean "I would to purchase your $100 option". It could also mean she is asking for $100 from someone, so I suppose it depends on the context of the messages.

Good luck.

IWillWin

Twofish - I'm so sorry your bad situation continues, but by having the courage to post with such honesty you are not only helping yourself, you are helping others. Like me

Even though I don't have children, I have friends who are dying slowly from addiction in various forms and I've been struggling with how, in my clear sobriety, to help. I've had hundreds of scenarios in my head and it has been distracting me. But a reply to your thread helped me today. Someone said it is too much to live in someone else's addiction. My recovery must come first. That one thought has eased my mind and I'm grateful.

So you see, even though you didn't post those words yourself it is your experience and sharing that brought that wise wisdom to me. This community works in mysterious ways and I'm so glad to be a part of this wonderful group.

Please do take care and try to remember that you don't have superpowers and can only influence your own behavior. It cuts like a knife to apply that to your own children but hold fast and steady - you are doing the right things and there are many here to support you.

Twofish

I asked one of her babbling, paranoid druggy friends, who admitted living and stealing from me, went to 60 day inpt treatment he read the convo on the cell phone looked at me and said it was either meth or heroin her was certain and saddened. He told me things I didn't want to hear, but, it opened my denying eyes to the world of drug addition. Sooo many young adults in Appleton and the surrounding towns have a huge pill addiction, meth is popular, but the kids want the heroin. It's cheap and a really good high, according to this exboyfriend. He did tell me he was clean and sober and that he was sorry for stealing and lying to me. He couldn't control it, atleast he feels guilty. He confirms that everything SR is saying to me is correct. Let the girls fall. They have to ask and want treatment. But, that's what we think hundo means now. Add bruised vein and bad experiences, it's accurate. He said he would talk to the girls, but he can't force them. He said the court may require them. I just know it outta my hands for the moment. Thanks bigsunbrero, don't you miss us cheese heads?

Twofish

Hello anyone out there....it's late ( for me) sleep is a no go. I've been reading and watching tv, doing a little cleaning, I sometimes wish I wasn't so limited, physically, but my back is so messed up from my accident that minimal lifting, bending, pushing becomes painful to the point that I must lay down on the heating pad, did I mention its very hot out still? Oh sure I can/could take a pain pill but I am so angry at those pills, they're responsible kind of for adding to my girls addiction problem. I know what you're saying and thinking in that wise mind of yours, that they chose to steal them, chose to lie about stealing them, chose to put them in their bodies, etc. I never got any enjoyment or peace or high off them. They make me dizzy, constipated and thirsty, they do take the edge off the pain level in my back. Before you say anything but I can't have surgery, the risk of paralysis is 30o/o too great for me to risk paralysis from the shoulder down, been thru months of PT, exercises, vitamins , spiritual healing, you get the point, just to get this far. I remember the back braces, front and back, such thick hard plastic it was so hot. I still have a hard time walking, my one leg doesn't work as well as the right leg does, why am I talking about all this, my problems? Oh yes, I remember, cause I can't sleep. I did pull weeds for hours this morning and got sunburned, my skin is so red, I kinda feel like a teenager who has layed out in the sun too long. That brings me to something I was thinking about today, a warning sign in my girls that something wasn't quite right, they stopped tanning, the kind of tanning that you do in those tanning tubes. They, for years were obsessed with tanning, this always looked healthy on them, they were hard core tanners, but they always covered their faces, why? I'm not sure, maybe so they wouldn't get wrinkles? So many little red flags that I missed. Now full blown addiction, if only I would of asked. They hide it very well from me! Now it's 2:15am and I'm babbling again, whining cause sleep refuses to enter my mind. I think I will go to early church services, that's in about three or four hours. Whatcha think my girls are doing right now, are they worried about me as much as I'm worried about them, do they think about me, do they even have any memories left? Good night or morning SR friends, we are entering day 10 of this nightmare.

Twofish

Darn it I just lost my long post. Anyway, shorter version, sleep finally came and to ask God for thanksgiving to SR for sticking by by side, for guiding me and drying my tears. I can't change nor fix the girls, I realize this now. The fallout of failure, parenting, embarrassment and shame this I will put a smile on my face and not obsess over it again and again and again. I'm healing, baby steps, but it has started. I'm gonna slip/relapse but I will think before contacting the beautiful gifts, that ARE broken, turn to my cyber friends, SR, and local friends whom I will filter out and find the true friends. And breathe. Someday I will hold my girls again, but for now, I need to hold myself. This is day 10.

Twofish

One thing I forgot, the nightmares didn't knock on my sleeping mind, such a surprise and welcomed relief. A first time in a long time. Enjoy this glorious morning, remember the snows gonna fly before we know it!

Twofish

Exhausted. I am tired. Too tired to worry about things I cannot change. I feel my mind and body getting sick, drunk with fatigue, I don't think I can even drive. Sleep please come to me, rest me.

Twofish

I'm getting sick, another issue to worry about. I was doing some gardening, it's getting hot again. I have spiritual comfort and I feel alone. I'm tired, I'm doing too much and need to slow down. No word from the girls...so I assume they are ok.

cbsmith

Your girls are okay, I'm sure. Try to relax your mind and soul. Reach out to an old friend you haven't seen in a while. Hope peace of mind visits you today, dear.
brian

Twofish

If only I had a old friend, but I do have that neighbor. They are boating so when they come back I will. Meanwhile, short bouts of weed pulling or house chores are waiting for me. A nap sounds good too...is it hot where you are? I was just thinking, I've been a mom for 22 years pretty attentive mom and now all 3 of the kids are gone. Strangely quiet, something is missing, I hope nothing is wrong. Whatcha think the girls are doing right now, ya think, they think of me, our family. Not a repeat of this morning, I won't allow my mind to go there.