Twofish

Hi friends in SR! Hope everyone had an enjoyable weekend, full of fun, love and peace of mind. Anyway, new developments going on with the AD's, not sure if its good or bad or in between. As you remember the older one, the one in denial, awful mouth, etc, called me yesterday and told me she has been in a maintenance Methadone program for the past week, she was feeling guilty because I had some reservations about replacing one opiate for another. She was feeling guilty keeping this from me, so that's why she told me. She is on 30mg a day, tons of rules, but she IS feeling sooo much healthier, the craving are all but gone now. This is a good thing, right? I don't feel right about this step but I kept my feelings to myself. I was positive, as positive as i could be and told her i was proud she was able to admit this to herself and the family. If the younger AD finds out, and she will eventually, war will start. She is acting so reserved, so alone, she doesn't talk to me much and is totally against methadone/Subonoxone treatment. She was recommended Subonoxone, but refused after she was detoxed. She did continue the Naltrexene meds, those she feels comfortable with, she's an adult, so I can't treat her as a child anymore. What's my point? I just need my girls back, alive, like before. That, I know will never happen, but is this the right thing for the older AD to do? Heroin just about ripped my heart out, now, Methadone? Give it time I know. Is this gonna happen again? No magic pill will ever rid our family of addiction, this is so sad. I put on such a motherly positive face, so the girls will see I support them, and I do, I just never ever imagined my children would fall for the fake glorious life that Heroin offers. Thanks for listening, I don't expect anyone will respond, I just needed to tell someone I can trust, that won't judge me, what is happening in my life. This is like a disease that has no cure, it has treatment that will give you a normal type of life, but it's always lurking around the corner waiting for a relapse, which I hope will never happen. Take care, TF

Dee74

I have no experience with methadone or subs L but your daughters made a choice - and it sounds like it's an attempt to get better, which is a good thing.

I think you have to step back - however hard it might be - and let her continue on her journey for now.

D

Twofish

I think you're right Dee, you are so wise! What hesitates me is the mother mode I am in. The constant need to help them when they are in pain. I also feel very lonely, they used to need me and now it's like everything I say is wrong, and that dang addictive voice in their minds is so cruel, it wants me to go away. I will leave the girls to their own decisions, however, I will only be a whisper away if my girls need me or want me to help them in any decisions that they need help with. Talk about day and night...remember me back on July 7th, scared, frightened, alone, thank you for being there and helping me thru this, not that's it's over, far from it, but the start of this nightmare has calmed down, what a relief. Sounds like I need to educate myself fully on Methadone, education is a good thing, thanks again Dee and all my friends at SR. TF

digdug

Hi Twofish,

I've been hesitant to respond to either this thread or your other one in the friends and family section but your last couple of posts really resonated with me.

My mom loves me very much. She has done everything in her power to make my life the best it can.

But the honest to god truth is she could never save me. She tried, she failed, she felt guilty, blamed herself, told me she thought she was a bad mother because of how I turned out.

I, like your adult daughters, made my own choices. I couldn't get sober until I was ready. I had to go through my own personal hell and almost die, all with my mom watching, before I could get a handle on my alcoholism. When I was in a coma, my mom had to plan my funeral. No mother should ever have to do that.

But she had no control over me, the outcome, my actions, etc. I am an adult and my sobriety, or lack there of, was completely my responsibility. My mom is a micromanager. Every detail has to be considered and planned. But this is practically impossible when dealing with addiction.

Now I am the one who has to live with the guilt and shame knowing that I put her through her own personal hell. To watch her oldest son wither away and die without be able to do anything about it.

The best thing she ever did to me was detach with love, so that I could work my own recovery. She couldn't save me. I had to save me.

I am sober six months and just found out I need a double hip replacement because of my alcohol abuse. My mom is freaking out again. Trying to find me the best surgeons and researching procedures. I need to keep reminding her that dealing with the consequences of my addiction are still my responsibility. Enabling me in any way is not going to help, even with 6 months sobriety. She is so worried about me. She breaks into tears saying how she almost lost me before and can't go through that pain again. It breaks MY heart that I did this to her.

I truly hope your daughters can turn it around and start taking responsibility for their recoveries. But the sad truth is that the harder you try to protect them, the more you will be unable to. It's the worst paradox in life.

Just keep leaning on the support you have. Go to Al-anon and learn how to take care of yourself. Your daughters will have programs like AA, IOP, etc. waiting for them when they are ready to embrace their own recovery.

The only real responsibility you have right now is to take care of yourself first, and then your son and husband as well.

I wish you the absolute best.

Twofish

Hi Digdug, Thanks for the support and the great advice! I personally have cried a river, no, two rivers of tears over the guilt of being a bad mom or the blame that I didn't recognize the signs. My girls have no idea how bad I feel, I didn't want to pile that onto to them. So you think I should back off then, let the chip fall where they fall? I can do this, it will be hard, but I will try. Thanks again for your advice! I just don't want to love them to death!
TF

digdug

You know in your heart you're not a bad mother. You did the best you could. Sometimes children just don't turn out the way we might have expected.

I was supposed to be the perfect son. Ivy league education, lawyer, three degrees, etc.

And I still turned out as hopeless drunk and junkie. My mom didn't cause that. I am who I am, but not because of her.

All I can really recommend is getting help for yourself. You will never be able to support your daughters in the best way without taking care of yourself first.

The common analogy is the airplane. Put on your oxygen mask first before you put the mask on your kids.

It's heartbreaking that your daughters will fall where they may. Maybe they will get it together, maybe they won't. But you have no control over it. None whatsoever. You can't protect them forever. At some point, they will have to do this on their own. In my humble opinion, better sooner than later.

Please consider Al-anon or Nar-anon. It is the best step you can take to helping your daughters.

digdug

Here's an anecdote as an addendum.

My friend in AA is an alcoholic and an heroin addict. He is only 23. He has tried to get sober many times. He has been in jail. He has been in hospitals. He has OD'd countless times. He has been to rehab multiple times. His mother tried to protect him. She hovered over him to try and keep him clean.

It got to the point where she was scared to answer the phone because she feared getting that call that her son was dead.

She started going to Al-anon, got a sponsor and started working the steps.

My friend finally seems to be getting it this time. He is trying so hard, but not because of anything his mother did or didn't do. He was ready for himself. I see him at meetings every day because he wants to be there, not because his mom dropped him off against his will.

I had the pleasure of meeting his mom a couple of months ago. She is the one of the sweetest women I've ever met. The love she has for her son is incomparable. But she told me that because of Al-anon, she learned that she had to let my friend do this on his own. She never stopped loving him or praying for his recovery. But it ended there. He was not welcome at their house until he was clean. He was no longer bailed out of tough situations. He was on his own. But she never stopped loving him.

He has 5 and a half months sober now. He was invited to go the beach with his family last month for the first time in years. She allows him in her life when he is practicing sobriety.

He is an inspiration to me. So is his mom.

Twofish

H Digdug, I know in my heart you are right, and so are most of the SR family. I have to retrain my brain to let go and not Hoover over my girls. This desire to fix and keep the pain away from my kids is overpowering, it's almost like I'm addicted to my girls. They are so young and there recovery is so new, I feel like they are toddlers crossing the highway unattended, does that make sense? No will have to be a new word, used often, from now on. Is this tough love? I wish this was called gentle love, they went from girls to addicts in such a short time....

Twofish

Hi SR, I miss coming over here all the time, you were my first life line and I will remember and appreciate it forever. The 22 yr old is off heroin and on Methadone, has 3 collection agencies after her, two court dates with many charges, is a full time student and is an intern at the DA drug testing their clients (how odd, huh!) her emotions are all over the place, I haven't heard from her in days and I'm worried, but not overwhelmed, yet. The 19yr old received a coin for her 8 week sobriety date, she has finished her IOP therapy and will begin aftercare therapy on Tuesdays. She smiles more but seems more critical of me, says I worry about money too much, well, she has her own pile of bills that are in collection, she lost her drivers license, hence no job. I am helping her to write letters to the agencies to work out a payment schedule. Shes kinda lazy, says her body hurts and has bad nightmares, but all her drug tests, weekly, have come back negative. Now, the 14 yr old, I found a pot pipe in his room. Humm...staged an intervention, had him smash the pipe, talked a little about drugs, had his sister talk privately to him about the hell she is going thru, took his phone away, and let it go. I'm still thinking if I should of done more. So, in 3 short months, my 3 children have all been trying drugs, 2 with Heroin 1 with pot. Am I a good mom? Judging people would say no way, SR people? Myself? I don't feel good about my parenting skills, but that's water under the bridge, I can't change what had happened. I can only go forward, support my kids with love, not obsessively try to fix them and take care of myself. Any suggestions on today? Am I doing what an addict would appreciate of a mom, any advice, you know I will,listen to. Take care, TF

MythOfSisyphus

I can't put it any better than Digdug does. We all have free will and agency, no can get sober or clean for us, or make us when we're not ready. I hope things work out okay, but all you can do is be supportive and let them make their own way.

longbeachone

Yeah Twofish, I agree with my fellow SR friends. Your children have free will, they chose to pick up and use. Just try to remember not to jump in as the savior with your girls. Making them take total responsibility is one of the few ways you'll get them to see how miserable these drugs have made their lives.

Twofish

I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. I have to detach from the girls some, or I mean a lot. I didn't do anything wrong to take the hit for it. I'm grateful my girls are alive, it will up to them to climb that mountian, to achieve and please, maintain their sobriety. One girl went cold turkey with IOP therapy and aftercare, the other went the Methadone route. Will they ever be back, no, not like I remember them, but I have hope they will be back, sober, happy and loving life. Thanks for a long supportive summer, I couldn't have gotten this far, this quickly without my SR supportive family! TF

Twofish

Hey! Do I ever go away? My ADs are hopefully ending the legal troubles tomorrow from the car incident back in July. Been a long painful summer for this mom and all involved. I didn't cry today, I'm proud of that. I take better care of myself and the worrying has lessened some. Loved ones, don't give up on your addicted people in your life, but educate yourself, don't enable, and have hope. It's never over til it's over. After tomorrow, I'm detaching myself and givin' it up to God to handle. I tried but I can't fix this kind of disease. Your HP has that ability, I don't mean to get into a debate about religion, just that I didn't cause it , can't control it and surly can't cure it. SR has saved my sanity that addiction lives off of. Tanks again! TF