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My mum is holding back my sobriety

Old 07-07-2013, 08:51 PM
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My mum is holding back my sobriety

I'm in AA, its all about telephoning people by the sound of it. Anyway I've got a massive problem holding me back. My mum. If I phone someone she's suddenly in the next room 'cleaning'. If she heres something, later that day I'll get a 'what I need to do' message / lecture. Bless her, she wants to help but its NOT going to help as if I try to say 'yeah, that's what you would do mum, but that's not going to help me.' At the moment I'm trying to keep calm and thank her for her advice, but then she'll expect me to do this thing she's suggested. My head is a mess.

I can't tell her I'm in AA and an alkie yet as I'll get the whole 'you're not an alkie, you just drink too much and don't know when to stop' conversation, plus I know she's going to be lying awake at night worrying about me and asking me questions that I don't know the answer to. I know this because we've been her before and that's exactly what happened.

So I can't tell them, living with them is stopping me from contacting people, and I can't move out because I don't have a job. so I'm ******.

I'm 33 years old and I can't live like an adult. It's horrible. I hate her, I blame her for making me feel this way, but its not her that's the problem, it's me. I feel so ******* bad.

Any advice?
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Old 07-07-2013, 09:16 PM
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get a sponsor and start really working those steps!!! they changed my life
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Old 07-08-2013, 12:24 AM
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Sorry you are struggling with this Sicknote. I have had similar problems with my mum even though we live miles apart. Is there any chance you could go for a walk when you want to phone people? What does she think you're doing when you are at meetings? Just think as where you live as a place where you sleep. Unfortunately you can't stop mothers being mums just because you passed 30, believe me. Maybe you could ask someone at AA if there was someone from Al-anon who could speak to her as she is probably having difficulties herself, but then if she is anything like my mother she wouldn't thank you for it. Maybe you could get some volunteer work or something to get you out of the house a bit...
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Old 07-08-2013, 12:50 AM
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AA has nothing to do with calling people. Please get a sponsor and work the steps. This will help dealing with your Mom too.
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Old 07-08-2013, 01:05 AM
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The one thing that really use to bug me about my dad was the lectures he would give me. They weren't like 15 minute ones, they lastest for about an hour.

When he died, it was the one thing about him that I missed the most.

It isn't easy for us moms to watch our kids go thru things like this.
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Old 07-08-2013, 01:09 AM
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Thanks for the feedback guys. Think I had a panic attack.

I'm going to keep going into meetings, and try to find a sponsor. I'm finding it a bit difficult trying to find someone, I'm just going to keep trying different meeting till someone clicks :0)

hypochondriac - I've been saying I'm going to the gym or to see friends. Going for a walk is a good idea! I could say I'm going to the shop for a paper or something. might avoid ai-anon right now, until I'm ready to tell her whats happening, at the moment she just thinks I'm being healthy. Volenteer works a good idea too! I'll look into that.

Thanks again,
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Old 07-08-2013, 01:16 AM
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I understand. My mom lives with me or rather we live together and I have a hard time talking on the phone to my sponsor or anyone else I should happen to call. I try to go outside or go to the kitchen so she cannot hear what I am saying. The last time I went to AA she did not live with me but she lived right next door. She was always mentioning the meetings. I felt like I was getting grilled all the time.

I know she does not understand, she is not an alcoholic but she is still my mother. She is not going to stop caring about me and wanting to help and at times I am sure she feels helpless because she cannot help. I am a parent too. I would want to help my children if I could, at any cost.

I would tell her you are an alcoholic and you are going to AA. Let her know you love her but this is something you have to do for you to stay sober. If she lies awake at night then she does. We cannot control other people's feelings or actions. Trying to do this is were your anger is coming from. You want and expect certain reactions and you are not getting them. Expectations are just premeditated resentments.

I know for me, I worried about what others thought when I was drinking but still drank.

Go to your meetings, call people if you need to and work the program. Do what you need to do and stop worrying about what your mom thinks as you have no control over it anyway.
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Old 07-08-2013, 01:42 AM
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Thank you gracielou!

That put things into perspective for me :0)
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