Self reflections - Finding new joy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 134
Self reflections - Finding new joy
Good morning SR Family!
For the past several weeks, I have been stuck in this "funk" and no matter what I did I could not pull myself out of it.
July 3rd and 4th were the worse of them all within these weeks. I went into random bursts of anger, yelling at people that did not deserve it, shutting down, depression and went back into complete isolation. Why? I mean really???? So, was I truely trying to get myself out of that "funk" or was I just "pretending" all over again, like I used to? What really caused me to step into the past pain of torture?
Honestly, I knew that another holiday was on the way and all I used to do on the holiday's was soak up every little excuse I could to get completely wasted.
On the 3rd of 4th of July, I kept watching and hearing families making plans to go out of town, cook out, hang out, and watch fireworks. All I kept thinking was, "...Only if I had that luxury with my own family (mom, dad, sister, etc) ... Only if ... only if ... What if..."
I came to realize that I was only fooling myself.
On the 4th, I was so bad that I did end up calling my sponsor from Celebrate Recovery (CR) and just broke down. Either suck up my pride and make the call or start all over ---Day 1, 2, 3. In reality, if I would have picked the bottle back up, I would not be here now. That drink would have cost me my life. So, long story short, I made the call and she suggested that I try to go back to AA. I am 3 months 15 days sober. Last time I "tried" AA, I walked in and just sat through half a meeting thinking, "these people ... I am nothing like. I do not have any issue whatsoever. They are crazy and I do not want any part of this." This was over 5 years ago. My sponsor from CR said, hey - You know that I have 2 years under my belt and I still attend AA. I still have thoughts and those feelings but they do not control me. I go because it is nice walking into a room full of family with no judgement of your past.
She struck me with the "family" word. Ahhh ... really, family?
I thought about it and going to 1 meeting a week in CR is helping, but in my early stages of Recovery, I know that I need support, I was just afraid to step out and ask for it.
The only person who is going to help me, is me!
I stepped out of my fear and walked back into AA with a new perspective.
I went to AA and this is what I found ... It is family! These people did not know me, yet they accepted me for who I am not for who I used to be.
So now, when my mind goes into the mode of, "why why why ... what if what if what if ... etc", I realize I do have family. I do have support. I do have one's that genuinely care.
Eye-opening.
I am going back to AA before I start my shift tonight.
I have found a new joy in my life; i'm starting to find myself. That is worth living for!
For the past several weeks, I have been stuck in this "funk" and no matter what I did I could not pull myself out of it.
July 3rd and 4th were the worse of them all within these weeks. I went into random bursts of anger, yelling at people that did not deserve it, shutting down, depression and went back into complete isolation. Why? I mean really???? So, was I truely trying to get myself out of that "funk" or was I just "pretending" all over again, like I used to? What really caused me to step into the past pain of torture?
Honestly, I knew that another holiday was on the way and all I used to do on the holiday's was soak up every little excuse I could to get completely wasted.
On the 3rd of 4th of July, I kept watching and hearing families making plans to go out of town, cook out, hang out, and watch fireworks. All I kept thinking was, "...Only if I had that luxury with my own family (mom, dad, sister, etc) ... Only if ... only if ... What if..."
I came to realize that I was only fooling myself.
On the 4th, I was so bad that I did end up calling my sponsor from Celebrate Recovery (CR) and just broke down. Either suck up my pride and make the call or start all over ---Day 1, 2, 3. In reality, if I would have picked the bottle back up, I would not be here now. That drink would have cost me my life. So, long story short, I made the call and she suggested that I try to go back to AA. I am 3 months 15 days sober. Last time I "tried" AA, I walked in and just sat through half a meeting thinking, "these people ... I am nothing like. I do not have any issue whatsoever. They are crazy and I do not want any part of this." This was over 5 years ago. My sponsor from CR said, hey - You know that I have 2 years under my belt and I still attend AA. I still have thoughts and those feelings but they do not control me. I go because it is nice walking into a room full of family with no judgement of your past.
She struck me with the "family" word. Ahhh ... really, family?
I thought about it and going to 1 meeting a week in CR is helping, but in my early stages of Recovery, I know that I need support, I was just afraid to step out and ask for it.
The only person who is going to help me, is me!
I stepped out of my fear and walked back into AA with a new perspective.
I went to AA and this is what I found ... It is family! These people did not know me, yet they accepted me for who I am not for who I used to be.
So now, when my mind goes into the mode of, "why why why ... what if what if what if ... etc", I realize I do have family. I do have support. I do have one's that genuinely care.
Eye-opening.
I am going back to AA before I start my shift tonight.
I have found a new joy in my life; i'm starting to find myself. That is worth living for!
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Glad to hear you found a way endstage ,
Whenever my ego pipes up and says something negative about me getting help i kinda dismiss it as my old drunky brain trying to pull a fast one , i deliberately go out my way to try and keep any assertively drunk brain ego on it knees and humble .
Bestwishes, m
Whenever my ego pipes up and says something negative about me getting help i kinda dismiss it as my old drunky brain trying to pull a fast one , i deliberately go out my way to try and keep any assertively drunk brain ego on it knees and humble .
Bestwishes, m
I'm glad you're finding some peace in your life.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Posts like yours warm my heart because it shows me that it is possible to recover. Like you AA saved my life. I play the odds in recovery. There are many ways to recover but AA has the highest probability of success and seeing I'm betting my life I know where I'm going to put my money
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 134
I want to say, Thank you all! I can not tell you how great I feel.
I walked into my AA meeting today and I felt as if I have been there all along and it really does help that my Sponsor is there too! I was even 'volun-told' by my sponsor to read the "12 Traditions" and the AA / SUPPORT GROUP GUIDELINES.
One thing I told her was to challenge me to step out of my comfort zone and that she did. Without hesitation, that is what I did; stepped out and stepped up.
Thank you SR family for your support. My relationship with God has become stronger than at any point in time than I can remember.
I walked into my AA meeting today and I felt as if I have been there all along and it really does help that my Sponsor is there too! I was even 'volun-told' by my sponsor to read the "12 Traditions" and the AA / SUPPORT GROUP GUIDELINES.
One thing I told her was to challenge me to step out of my comfort zone and that she did. Without hesitation, that is what I did; stepped out and stepped up.
Thank you SR family for your support. My relationship with God has become stronger than at any point in time than I can remember.
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