help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 559
help
i have 21 days sober tomorrow. i'm doing ok - no massive cravings, thought hubby and i were adapting well. it's lovely here, so we went to a pub by the river for lunch. i had blackcurrant and soda, he had a couple of pints.
he's just gone 'for a walk and a pint'. i asked if he wanted some company. he doesn't. i don't have a problem with this, he needs his own space.
so why am i sitting here in tears? i feel like i'm not any fun anymore. he's lost his drinking buddy. so there's no problem with him going to see friends at the local. but he didn't want me to go with him.
so here i am on my own. i pick my daughter up from her dad's in an hour. she's 13. and she's started wetting the bed again. i know this is from the stress she's been under in the last couple of horrendous months of my drinking.
so. my husband would rather be alone, and my daughter is having problems. all because of ******* ME. i'm no good drunk, and i'm no good sober.
i don't know what to do.
he's just gone 'for a walk and a pint'. i asked if he wanted some company. he doesn't. i don't have a problem with this, he needs his own space.
so why am i sitting here in tears? i feel like i'm not any fun anymore. he's lost his drinking buddy. so there's no problem with him going to see friends at the local. but he didn't want me to go with him.
so here i am on my own. i pick my daughter up from her dad's in an hour. she's 13. and she's started wetting the bed again. i know this is from the stress she's been under in the last couple of horrendous months of my drinking.
so. my husband would rather be alone, and my daughter is having problems. all because of ******* ME. i'm no good drunk, and i'm no good sober.
i don't know what to do.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Keep calm , don't panic , take a deep breath , go into survival mode , get through the min , the hour , the day .
When you get to tomorow this will blow over a bit and you will feel better having delt with it all .
Chocolate ice cream always seemed to help me , just to take the edge off .
Bestwishes, m
When you get to tomorow this will blow over a bit and you will feel better having delt with it all .
Chocolate ice cream always seemed to help me , just to take the edge off .
Bestwishes, m
This too shall pass...Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hey ippochick, sorry you're having a rough day of it. A few thoughts although I am not married but have gone through similar in the past with a significant other.
First, remember you are in early recovery and your brain/emotions are all over the place. I am not minimizing what you're feeling but just remember that your brain and emotions have been impaired by alcohol for so long that when they come back online, expect the unexpected. I was highly emotional and sensitive for a good two months. It does level out.
Secondly, I had the same issue with my ex when I quit (the first time) many moons ago. He also felt he had lost his drinking buddy but realized that I had a serious problem while he did not. So he was caught between two worlds and he also was experiencing pain, anger, and resentment. Like, "Why can't she handle her s**t when I can?"
Normal stuff. He has to learn a new lifestyle too. He probably doesn't know when to ask you or when not to. If he should or not...etc. Also, he IS going to have to make other friends to drink with or hang with a the local pub when you can't go. He is testing out his "new life" the same as you are. Just keep communicating with him and remember that in early sobriety everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, feels personal and hurtful.
It's not easy but you will both find your way. The important thing is to keep communication lines open and to let him know how you feel too.
As for your daughter, give that some time too. When you're living around a drinker 24/7, it's like holding your breath all the time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now everyone is decompressing a little and there are bound to be some side effects.
Just give it time. Keep throwing more and more time at it and, one day, it will be better or simply gone.
Whatever you do, don't drink over it. You know in your heart that you're never going to get "better" in that regard so there's no point in causing more trauma to yourself or others. Just hang in there as much as you can.
Big hug to you and please keep posting and let us know how it's going.
First, remember you are in early recovery and your brain/emotions are all over the place. I am not minimizing what you're feeling but just remember that your brain and emotions have been impaired by alcohol for so long that when they come back online, expect the unexpected. I was highly emotional and sensitive for a good two months. It does level out.
Secondly, I had the same issue with my ex when I quit (the first time) many moons ago. He also felt he had lost his drinking buddy but realized that I had a serious problem while he did not. So he was caught between two worlds and he also was experiencing pain, anger, and resentment. Like, "Why can't she handle her s**t when I can?"
Normal stuff. He has to learn a new lifestyle too. He probably doesn't know when to ask you or when not to. If he should or not...etc. Also, he IS going to have to make other friends to drink with or hang with a the local pub when you can't go. He is testing out his "new life" the same as you are. Just keep communicating with him and remember that in early sobriety everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, feels personal and hurtful.
It's not easy but you will both find your way. The important thing is to keep communication lines open and to let him know how you feel too.
As for your daughter, give that some time too. When you're living around a drinker 24/7, it's like holding your breath all the time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now everyone is decompressing a little and there are bound to be some side effects.
Just give it time. Keep throwing more and more time at it and, one day, it will be better or simply gone.
Whatever you do, don't drink over it. You know in your heart that you're never going to get "better" in that regard so there's no point in causing more trauma to yourself or others. Just hang in there as much as you can.
Big hug to you and please keep posting and let us know how it's going.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: East Coast
Posts: 543
Ippo
Just a thought...maybe your husband was drinking on his own to spare you temptation?. If you already did this, then just ignore me, but maybe tell him you still want to be his drinking buddy (ie buddy), just that when he has a pint, you will drink something else (hopefully you can feel comfortable to do so). That way you two can still be buddies together.
Can't offer any experience regarding your daughter, as I was never blessed with children. But my husbands youngest was stressed by his divorce and his ex-wife's drinking. Her behavior progressed from cutting to drugs to overdose. Perhaps your daughter has some other physical reason for wetting the bed? Can you talk to her?
I'm back to day 2, so I probably am way off base, just felt like you needed a hug, some words of encouragement and knowing someone cares and believes you are wonderful sober.
Just a thought...maybe your husband was drinking on his own to spare you temptation?. If you already did this, then just ignore me, but maybe tell him you still want to be his drinking buddy (ie buddy), just that when he has a pint, you will drink something else (hopefully you can feel comfortable to do so). That way you two can still be buddies together.
Can't offer any experience regarding your daughter, as I was never blessed with children. But my husbands youngest was stressed by his divorce and his ex-wife's drinking. Her behavior progressed from cutting to drugs to overdose. Perhaps your daughter has some other physical reason for wetting the bed? Can you talk to her?
I'm back to day 2, so I probably am way off base, just felt like you needed a hug, some words of encouragement and knowing someone cares and believes you are wonderful sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 559
thank you.
they've been through so much with me. i was in-patient for a month after a breakdown last year. i don't work, as i quit my job the day i went into hospital as the stress had been a massive contributory factor. i had ridiculous debts, which hubby sorted into a manageable repayment plan for me.
i just feel selfish that everyone keeps having to rearrange their world around me. i don't feel worthy of it.
in less than a year i've gone from a successful career woman to a broken shell. i'm in therapy and on meds and some days it's better and some days it's awful.
i won't drink. i can't. but i want to crawl away and hide somewhere where everything doesn't hurt so much.
they've been through so much with me. i was in-patient for a month after a breakdown last year. i don't work, as i quit my job the day i went into hospital as the stress had been a massive contributory factor. i had ridiculous debts, which hubby sorted into a manageable repayment plan for me.
i just feel selfish that everyone keeps having to rearrange their world around me. i don't feel worthy of it.
in less than a year i've gone from a successful career woman to a broken shell. i'm in therapy and on meds and some days it's better and some days it's awful.
i won't drink. i can't. but i want to crawl away and hide somewhere where everything doesn't hurt so much.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: East Coast
Posts: 543
Ippo
YOU ARE WORTHY! You are a child of God or the Universe, no less than the birds and the trees and everyone else around you. There are seasons when you are the caretaker and ones when you are the cared for. You are in the latter, for now. And it is ok. You don't have to have a flourishing career to be successful. Make your new life your career and flourish in it, sober!
Hugs and strength.
YOU ARE WORTHY! You are a child of God or the Universe, no less than the birds and the trees and everyone else around you. There are seasons when you are the caretaker and ones when you are the cared for. You are in the latter, for now. And it is ok. You don't have to have a flourishing career to be successful. Make your new life your career and flourish in it, sober!
Hugs and strength.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Originally Posted by ippochick 
thank you.
i just feel selfish that everyone keeps having to rearrange their world around me. i don't feel worthy of it.
in less than a year i've gone from a successful career woman to a broken shell. i'm in therapy and on meds and some days it's better and some days it's awful.
i won't drink. i can't. but i want to crawl away and hide somewhere where everything doesn't hurt so much.
i just feel selfish that everyone keeps having to rearrange their world around me. i don't feel worthy of it.
in less than a year i've gone from a successful career woman to a broken shell. i'm in therapy and on meds and some days it's better and some days it's awful.
i won't drink. i can't. but i want to crawl away and hide somewhere where everything doesn't hurt so much.
I also started speeding way downhill as far as the career, etc. I went from the top of my game to the bottom of the pile. It was a huge blow to my ego. Huge.
But. If that hadn't happened then I probably would not have gotten sober and I probably would still be operating a lot more from ego than from compassion or humility (which seem to be key in recovery I am learning). I still have an ego that's nice and bruised these days but I am learning to operate much more from a place of humility. As one of the smart guys on here says all the time: Alcohol is the great equalizer, makes us all morons.
Sometimes we are extremely hard headed (and drunk) and don't fix things until they implode all around us. But sometimes we take the short road and sometimes we take the long road...what matters is that we keep trying to get there.
There is no situation (NONE) that cannot change. Career included. It can and will come back if that's what you want.
And if you need to be alone, then be alone. Taking some time and space with yourself is never a bad thing. Just don't sink too deeply into your head or go to bad places. If you find yourself there, distraction is key!
Thinking of you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 559
sasha - my daughter had medication prescribed up until 6 months ago due to a hormone imbalance that meant she couldn't control her bladder at night. she's been perfectly fine for the last 6 months.
i don't know whether to suggest counselling to her, or whether we should just try and heal on our own.
i just feel so ****** that i've put her through so much. seems i did turn out like my mother after all.
i don't know whether to suggest counselling to her, or whether we should just try and heal on our own.
i just feel so ****** that i've put her through so much. seems i did turn out like my mother after all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Drinking buddies are a dime a dozen. Any buffoon with a drink in their hand can be a drinking buddy.
If you have to drink alcohol to have fun with your husband then you folks don't know how to have fun. But if you stick with it you'll learn. He'll learn too.
You just have to stick with it - it takes time and effort.
For myself it took about two months and then I realized how great it was to have a sober life. I FELT better. I was happier - and that made me more fun to be around.
If you have to drink alcohol to have fun with your husband then you folks don't know how to have fun. But if you stick with it you'll learn. He'll learn too.
You just have to stick with it - it takes time and effort.
For myself it took about two months and then I realized how great it was to have a sober life. I FELT better. I was happier - and that made me more fun to be around.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 35
IP, your sobriety is the cure for your daughters challenges...it just will take some time and patience. Your husband will learn to balance his lifestyle with your needs, but it will take time and I'm sure their are other emotions at play. In the mean time he may not know how to support you so perhaps calmly explain to him what you want for supports and perhaps that will help him be more effective. I'd stay out of the pubs for lunch as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,994
Hello Ippo,
My heart goes out to you. Don't think of yourself as selfish, you are working really hard, 21 days is a very worthy feat! You are worthy!!
I get you about feeling as though you're a "broken shell". But, you're just re-inventing yourself, in new and healthy ways. Leaving behind stuff that got you into trouble. You don't need it anymore.
I agree with Ptc, keep talking to your husband!
I think one of the things that I'm trying to embrace is that we're supposedly not "fun" anymore without alcohol. It keeps us stuck, but we are looking at reaping the benefits of being our true, authentic selves.
Have a good cry, you need it. Then maybe, have a cuppa or summat! Love the way you say that! (I used to live in Lancs.)
Take it easy, take care.
My heart goes out to you. Don't think of yourself as selfish, you are working really hard, 21 days is a very worthy feat! You are worthy!!
I get you about feeling as though you're a "broken shell". But, you're just re-inventing yourself, in new and healthy ways. Leaving behind stuff that got you into trouble. You don't need it anymore.
I agree with Ptc, keep talking to your husband!
I think one of the things that I'm trying to embrace is that we're supposedly not "fun" anymore without alcohol. It keeps us stuck, but we are looking at reaping the benefits of being our true, authentic selves.
Have a good cry, you need it. Then maybe, have a cuppa or summat! Love the way you say that! (I used to live in Lancs.)
Take it easy, take care.
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Hi ippochick,congratulations on your sober time.
Early recovery is difficult, a roller coaster of emotions,one thing for sure is that you are far better sticking with sobriety.
It will get better,perhaps an appointment with your GP would be a good idea?
Wishing you well.
Early recovery is difficult, a roller coaster of emotions,one thing for sure is that you are far better sticking with sobriety.
It will get better,perhaps an appointment with your GP would be a good idea?
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Originally Posted by ippochick
sasha - my daughter had medication prescribed up until 6 months ago due to a hormone imbalance that meant she couldn't control her bladder at night. she's been perfectly fine for the last 6 months.
i don't know whether to suggest counselling to her, or whether we should just try and heal on our own.
i just feel so ****** that i've put her through so much. seems i did turn out like my mother after all.
i don't know whether to suggest counselling to her, or whether we should just try and heal on our own.
i just feel so ****** that i've put her through so much. seems i did turn out like my mother after all.
Its a hormonal imbalance and it sounds like she needs to go back to her GP, urologist, paediatrician with her mum, who loves her very much, to support her.
Could it just be a UTI infection that needs anti-biotics?
I think you are guilty of thinking the worst.
You are awfulising - relating every bad event or feeling back to you.
As an onlooker sweetheart, I don't think t is all to do with your drinking.
My best to you
xx
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hi Ippo : ) Some days are just harder than others aren't they : ) I hear ya. I too am a sober infant and all the "keepin' it real" gets overwhelming sometimes don't it? I can't add too much to the great support already offered other than to send ya a "cyber hug". I got some disappointing news last night after a hard day. And I couldn't help but think about the instant mood altering glass of wine that used to be at my disposal. I couldn't help but feel wistful for it. It wasn't a huge crave...it was a thought that wafted in and out followed by a resigned shrug of the shoulders "well Dorothy, you're not in Kansas anymore now are ya?". No more yellow brick road fairytale answers.....
We're in the trenches right now Ippo...it's worth it : )
We're in the trenches right now Ippo...it's worth it : )
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 559
welp, i had a good cry. hubby, daughter and i just had ice cream (of course!!) and watched Evan Almighty together.
am now off to bed. you people, this community, is amazing. i look forward to being strong enough to give something back.
am now off to bed. you people, this community, is amazing. i look forward to being strong enough to give something back.
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