Realizing that I am just as bad as the drinking buds that deserted me
 

I had quite the revelation yesterday. I have spent the last 40 days wallowing (not all the time but some) in self pity about how all my so called friends who were drinking buddies deserted me. I hung with a very small group of the same people every weekend. There were about 4 options that I had for people who I could drink with and feel comfortable. The plan would start early in the week. I'd call one and if they were busy I moved on to the next doing this until I found someone that was free and wanted to hang out. Jeese, if no one was available I would then resort to finding others who were normal drinkers that were drinking and made sure to leave when I knew that I was approaching the point of no return so that I could get home and continue. Don't think I didn't still make an ass out of myself around them occasionally though.

In my first days of sobriety I was told by a long timer that I would need to be prepared that these people would somewhat disappear off the face of the earth. She told me that people that I hung out with that were normal drinkers would still be friends but those who drank like I did would be virtually non existent. This would be due to the fact that they wouldn't want to sit there drinking when I wasn't and also that they would be too unsure of how to deal with sober me.

So for that past 39 days I've boo hooed about the fact that these people that I thought were so close to me walked away from me when I was going through something very tough.

That was until yesterday when I was pondering my own role in those very same relationships. Realistically, I also very much used them so that I would have someone to hang out with and drink with where there was no limit to how many I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I do have feelings for these people. However, it wasn't the love that I had for them that motivated me to call them to see what they were up to. It was that I was looking for a good place to drink where the amount that I drank and my actions wouldn't be questioned. In fact, it would be all but excused and I would be protected from having to feel any embarrassment.

I'm sure that this clarity I feel will also cause me to see other things in a manner that I never saw before.

I'm so happy that I'm here today. This is how life is really supposed to be and it's amazing!

You are blessed with wise oldtimers.

40 days to be restored to sanity in this issue is quite good.

The more you talk to the oldtimers the wiser you will become.

All the best.

Bob R

I deserted a friend when he got sober. I still feel really bad about it.

I figured that if we couldn't drink together, then what COULD we do?? I was, obviously, very invested in my alcohol :(

While your drinking friends may not want to hang out now, you are an inspiration to them, even if they don't know it yet. They could join you in sobriety later, you never know.

Congrats on your sober time.:)

What you say is true Ladyblue. I had a similar insight yesterday when I went to my former Pub for a cheeseburger. Most of my former drinking buddies were there. Yes, I've noticed that the dynamic has changed between us. Take away the drinking and we really don't have much in common. But, what I really noticed was that I do not want to spend MY time around them anymore. My life has changed so much in three months and I'm very conscious of how I spend my time now.

This was the glue that held several of my "closest" relationships together. Those relationships didn't last long once I quit and made that fact known. I did miss the good times with them, but it was all about drinking together, not being together. I accept that our paths have diverged, there is no longer any judgment in this change, it just is.

I have been expecting a visit from my older sister. I thought she was arriving on Monday. I had taken time off next weekend for us to spend time together. I had booked a hotel for an event a couple hours away. She advised me last night that she was not coming but is now going somewhere else with a friend whose drinking rivals hers. I'm quite upset to be dumped because I'm sober. My sister's alcoholism is 13 years up the road from where mine was..and well, it's quite scary. She was coming her to sober up. I was going to be here with her in case something bad happened..just be with her.

At any rate, she chose to continue drinking. That's her choice. Perhaps I may have made the same one had I still been drinking.

Everyone, thanks for all the great posts.

Nuudawn, that really sucks. It sounds though that you've made peace with the fact that she's a big girl and hope that someday she'll see the light.

LadyBlue, that is a great observation. I was the same way. I somehow managed to meet people who drank more, or as much as I did. As long as they were around I was the more "normal" drinker. Funny how that works. Looking back, I wonder how many people were doing the same to me, hanging out with me because I drank more than they did. Yikes! Not that we weren't real friends, but it is different how you choose friends drinking vs. sober.

I think we also tend to be more introspective and withdraw when we quit, so we're not the ones calling making things happen anymore. If our friends were used to us making all the effort, and we stop, then there's not much left. It takes effort on both parts to continue the friendship, and it's harder if one is sober and one isn't.

I love this post. Its a great reflection on yourself and shows you are making progress. I used to many people when I was using, and some I wasnt even aware of. They used me as well, because when it came down to it, all we had in common was the love of alcohol and the fear of loneliness. Im glad you were able to come to the realization you did, and more and more will come as you progress. Its a sign your mental state is clearing up and you are indeed making progress. Congrats!!!

Thank you for posting this! I am only 13 days in and have already lost a few friends. Thanks for helping me get prospective!

Did I tell you guys that you're all awesome?!

HappyT4Support: This board is invaluable in sobriety. I'm so glad that my post helped you. I had another thread do the same for me yesterday. Someone who had long term sobriety was having cravings and it was pointed out to him that he wasn't really craving alcohol, something was missing and he had to find out what that was. I think that the need to drink does dissipate. However, the craving doesn't but it's not because you want to drink, it's because something is wrong and you want to do what always has been done to deal which is to run to the alcohol.

It forced me to say to myself "Ok, what is this REALLY about?".

The insight that you get on here is incredible, useful, and helpful. It's a great feeling too when you post something that helps someone else. The result is positive reinforcement that you've made a great choice and are right where you belong :)

So true Lady and I think that's why it's so hard to quit. It's hard to be honest with yourself. I'm only 6 days in but I can also see myself losing lots of buddies. That's why I'm thinking of going to an AA meeting, to meet some new ones!

I think of this now as my new Facebook. I love it here.

I love AA meetings! I definitely recommend going. Everyone there is kind and understands what you are going through. They are always willing to listen or hang out. I am 13 days sober and it has been my God send!

I love your attitude LadyBlue!

I had a lot of mutual "using" of people too. People come and go in my life. Just how life is. Just like a bus ride. Some times they jump on for awhile and sometimes it's my stop to jump off. The bus is rarely empty though...full of all sorts of interesting people to meet on the trip.

It's fun being happy and positive in spite of it all.

secretary! This is my new facebook too! :D