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Reading Friends & Family Threads: Eye-Opening!

Old 07-04-2013, 04:23 PM
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Smile Reading Friends & Family Threads: Eye-Opening!

Hi Newcomers:

I've been meaning to mention this for a while, and Dee, I hope this is ok to post about (I'm sure you'll set me straight, if not... Lol). I just wanted to mention that it has been enlightening and eye-opening for me to read through some of the stories in the Friends & Family section!

I joined SR back in 2011 and for some reason I didn't pay much attention to this section... well, this time around I have... and some of the stories are absolutely heart rending. I have been brought to tears reading some of the posts. It has helped me so much to read from these different points of view.

I married just a year and a half ago... we'll have two years in November. And so now that I am a wife, and it's not just me... things are different Lol, that's an understatement. But I can't convey enough how much it has helped to read spouses, children, parents, siblings and friends talk about the devastation that their loved ones' alcoholism and drug addiction has had on their lives. It makes me never want to drink again. Such a powerful deterrent.

It just helps so much to see that we do not live in a vacuum, no person is an island, you know... I've let my husband read some of the stories and it's helped him a lot I think to see that what he was experiencing with me wasn't some isolated thing... that others do go through similar things. And that people can and do change, people do get help, and do get sober.

Anyway, I just wanted to send out a big THANK YOU to the universe and to all who come on here and share your stories... they really do help!
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Old 07-04-2013, 04:31 PM
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I also read that forum and have even posted in there. The stories reminds me of the person I DON'T want to be.
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Old 07-04-2013, 04:31 PM
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jennie...

i couldn't agree more! i've been reading there for a few days now... not only to get the other perspective on (my) alcoholism, but because i am the sister of two alcoholics and the daughter of two alcoholics.

i'm a bit too new in my recovery to deal with the FFA aspect right now... i need and want to work my own recovery first... but it is beyond helpful (even through the pain some of those threads ignite in me) to be able to read there.

the contributions of experience, strength and hope (as well as all the ache we share and the humor) on this entire forum is a gift. thanks everyone!
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:13 PM
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I had a very, very hard time reading that forum when I first came here. I had so much shame and guilt that I just couldn't deal with those stories. Now, I am glad that I can see and understand both sides of the issue.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I had a very, very hard time reading that forum when I first came here. I had so much shame and guilt that I just couldn't deal with those stories. Now, I am glad that I can see and understand both sides of the issue.
Anna, I think that's why I didn't read them before!
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:16 PM
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I am the spouse of an alcoholic, so FFA is my primary place here, but I also stop into the Alcoholism section and Newcomers for the perspective they provide.

As you all said, it's helpful to get the view from the other side, once you feel you have enough stability to look aside from your own path a little bit sometimes.

There is much that I will NEVER understand, not being an alcoholic, but as the OP mentioned, it helps to know that my A is not unique, that he is going thru the same struggles, failures and successes as other A's, the same way I see in FFA that I'm not alone in my highs and lows, either.

This site has been absolutely invaluable to me, and I am everlastingly grateful to all who post here.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:18 PM
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The stories are devastating. I read there all the time. It helps keep me focused on my recovery as much as this section does.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:25 PM
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Some people find it helpful - others find it a little too confronting.

D
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:28 PM
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I've avoided the F&F section. Thankfully, I'm not married and I don't have children so I can't really offer any sage advice. However, my father was a serious binge drinker, he would disappear for days on his binge drinking episodes. I knew what was going on starting at three years of age (and that's just what I remember). Needless to say his behavior left an indelible mark on me. Reading those posts would be a little too much for me right now.

Most of all I feel for the children. They have no choice in the matter, and their suffering is incredibly unfair.

I would just remind any of the parents that have an addiction problem or who have spouses with an addiction problem to not be in denial. Your actions are affecting your children. They know what's going on, they are being hurt, even if they are very, very young.

The greatest gift you could give your children is sobriety.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:44 PM
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Thanks so much Jennie. I'm in. Man, this is gonna hurt.
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Old 07-04-2013, 05:47 PM
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I read there for awhile, but I had to stop because it made me feel (the addict/alcoholic) feel hopeless about my own recovery. So may heart breaking stories of relapse etc.

Also, I was very jealous of the people who's families stood with them, took care of them, put up with them, helped them get treatment etc. That wasn't part of my experience and it PO'd me. It shouldn't, really it only meant my family didn't provide me with one more opportunity to abuse their good hearts!

I was really beating myself up with those stories, had to bring my focus back to my present day recovery.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:07 PM
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As with most of us I have an alcoholic family member. Even though I understand I can't stop this I still struggle with "I should be doing something to help my little brother." So sometimes I go over there. Sometimes the posts resonate with me and sometimes I just see through their active alcoholics b.s. One thread in particular got me. The man's wife had died. He found her on the couch. She had children. That so could have been me. I could have done that to my family. That's exactly where they would have found me. Too think I used to pass out on the couch most nights and pray I wouldn't wake up.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:14 PM
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Jen, I'm glad you raised this topic. Yes, each of us has our story with not only own addictions but also our families and friends. Likewise, we each find our own 'season' in which we feel it's important - although decidedly not comfortable - to perhaps read those stories and reflect on our own family / friends dynamic.

For many of us - I include myself here - we are 'in' several camps, as it were. We're not only addicts of one kind or another ourselves, but are the adult children of alcoholics (which means we remember only too well what it was like growing up with an alcoholic parent and often too, various aunts or uncles). We may also be the siblings of an addict (my middle sister was a junkie for most of her adult life, but is 23 years clean now in her early 60s). We may also have our own children who are either well on their way to being addicts or are fully in addiction's grip.

And of course, we have been or still are, friends with other addicts in varying degrees; or - like me - seem to be the one still remaining as a struggling alcoholic, while those few remaining older friends either give up drinking altogether, or have the rare social drink or kind of teeter in the moderating zone. That describes each one of my three remaining old friends.

I too sometimes dip into F and F section, though not very often, for the reasons some describe. I think I have a vague fear - not strong, but it pops up occasionally - that I might suddenly see a story from someone who sounds like one of my daughters....you know, about ME. Yet, a part of me wishes I would see that. But my own adult kids are - as far as I can tell, given we're estranged - just doing the sort of 'la la la' thing about just giving up on me and / or not yet having realised that they have their own significant problems with incipient or active addiction, and therefore fall into both Alanon / ACOA AND active addict situations.

All I know for now is: I can't DO anything about them. I can only work on myself.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:25 PM
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Bemyself, I'm also an ACOA and it's really hard sometimes for me to read about moms and daughters because my mom is dead now. But it's helped me to deal with it too. I'm still grieving her.

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Old 07-04-2013, 07:34 PM
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I am a double winner and have been a member of Al Anon since 2001. I am an alcoholic and a codependent. I tend to identify more with other codependents than other alcoholics.
Maybe it's because in active alcoholism, I was single and drank alone secretly.
I love reading the FF section. It reminds me of where I was with my relationship with an abusive drunk and also as a child growing up with an alcoholic dad and a pill addict mom.
My best friend is an active alcoholic so I still have to practice the Al Anon program on a daily basis.
I sometimes joke that it's not fair I never had my personal enabler/codependent but seriously, I am VERY grateful I never put another person through the grinder like that.
Like I say, I am single and reading those stories is a good reminder why I do not want to date another alcoholic sober or not. It also gives me tools to engage in a healthy romantic relationship if I meet someone.
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Old 07-04-2013, 07:52 PM
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Yes, Jen, I'd read your posts about your Mum. It's very hard - extremely hard, in fact - when your alcoholic parent is dead. Give yourself some time, if you can, luv.

I probably didn't make it clear enough in that last post that my father was the severely alcoholic - and violent - parent; Mum, well, she liked her nightly scotch or two, but was in effect the Wife of the Drunken Husband. Both are long dead - Dad in 1981 at age 62; Mum in 1989 at age 70.

It took me quite some years after both their deaths to apply some of the reflective wisdom we acquire as we get into our own 50s or so. That, combined with some heavy duty journal writing, and reading a lot about the ACOA dynamic. Both online and off.

Try to go easy on yourself about all this. It can take a lot of time, and lots of silence with oneself.....It just sort of evolves, as we age (as long as we stay conscious of it but also keep on living our own lives - I'm thinking of that ever elusive balance thing you were talking about earlier).

You're doing pretty damn well, Jen, from what I can see. All power to you, and just gently keep on truckin'.....Gently.

xx
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Old 07-05-2013, 12:56 AM
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I have a related question, actually!

I read over there too... I've dated a whole bunch of addicts etc, and hope never to ever again, so as reading here reminds me not to drink, reading there reminds me why being selective is the name of the (dating) game.

One thing I keep seeing though is atrocious... like Grade A abusive behavior... being attributed to alcoholism (prob. addiction too but being an alcoholic, those are the ones I read more). And the partner then focusing on the substance as if quitting is going to cure this person from being a terrible jerk. When really, I mean, alcohol can do many things to us that cause us to be bad partners, but there are limits. Some people are drunks, and some people are drunk assholes. Get them sober, they're still assholes.

I am never sure if it would be helpful for me to share when I think I see that? It's been a while since I've been in one of these situations myself so I feel like something of an outsider.

I guess I just hear some of these stories and sometimes I feel like these really awful people are treating their partners like crap and going way too far in terms of blaming it on their alcoholism and/or struggle with sobriety. It reminds me of being a kid and everyone knows who the bully is except the teacher, you know?
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Old 07-05-2013, 02:24 AM
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Originally Posted by fantail View Post
I guess I just hear some of these stories and sometimes I feel like these really awful people are treating their partners like crap and going way too far in terms of blaming it on their alcoholism and/or struggle with sobriety. It reminds me of being a kid and everyone knows who the bully is except the teacher, you know?
I know what you mean. All the horrible behavior explained away by just saying "that's what addicts do" or "addicts are irrational, don't try to understand their behavior." When in reality, all that abusive nonsense has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, it's just people who are assholes and also like to get high. It's hard to imagine the awful people who have loving partners and children and still act like that... If I was in their position, I'd be so grateful, I'd probably treat them like a deity . Instead, I ended up with the withdrawals, the anxiety disorder, AND the abusive partner.
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Old 07-05-2013, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by fantail View Post
Some people are drunks, and some people are drunk assholes. Get them sober, they're still assholes.
Lol, well I'm not sure when it would be appropriate to voice this kind of thing, Fantail. I can tell you that I was called an "*******" a few times by my husband the first time I was sober. He has since said I'm no longer an ******* though... so maybe in time, assholes can and do change? And I guess if you don't see a change, well then head for the hills.
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Old 07-05-2013, 02:57 PM
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There is a reason why the forums are separate

If you read there, you need to think about why people might feel like this - and you need to accept people have a right to feel that way.

I guess what I'm saying is don't take it personally.

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