What will it take?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London
Posts: 105
What will it take?
I have been so scared and ashamed to post here again, seeing that I have been continuing to drinking after posting more than 2 years ago..I understand that this pride of mine is a big fault and what i desperately need is to ask for help.
It is so strange because i am a very compassionate person and I bleed for other people, animals, the world, but not for me.
I read someone's description on SR about realizing that you are an alcoholic is like grieving for a death of someone you love and i feel just like that. I was in denial state for a long time and now i think in grieving for a couple of years (how sad!) but i dont know how i will give in, give up and start over. I am attractive and i have a good job thank god but I am very shy and introverted which makes it so hard for me to open up and feel like belonging, i guess here is where the alcohol came in as a rescue.
More than giving up the alcohol its the fact that i am now 37, single and so confused and so behind...it is so painful to think of my past and i can't stop worrying about my future which i know is the killer. I just can't seem to just let go and try to believe again.. I know there is a beautiful person trapped inside of my addiction, i know she loves and she can do beautiful things in life but my addictive side just keeps pushing me down, telling me how much of a looser i am, how destroyed i am, how hopeless i am.
its killing me, I wake up sometimes fearing death but sometimes inviting it. This is no way to live.
I have made a call to AA and I have a lady who will go with me to a meeting but again, my pride is getting in the way; why can't i go alone? how weak am i? where is this awful voice coming from?
It is so strange because i am a very compassionate person and I bleed for other people, animals, the world, but not for me.
I read someone's description on SR about realizing that you are an alcoholic is like grieving for a death of someone you love and i feel just like that. I was in denial state for a long time and now i think in grieving for a couple of years (how sad!) but i dont know how i will give in, give up and start over. I am attractive and i have a good job thank god but I am very shy and introverted which makes it so hard for me to open up and feel like belonging, i guess here is where the alcohol came in as a rescue.
More than giving up the alcohol its the fact that i am now 37, single and so confused and so behind...it is so painful to think of my past and i can't stop worrying about my future which i know is the killer. I just can't seem to just let go and try to believe again.. I know there is a beautiful person trapped inside of my addiction, i know she loves and she can do beautiful things in life but my addictive side just keeps pushing me down, telling me how much of a looser i am, how destroyed i am, how hopeless i am.
its killing me, I wake up sometimes fearing death but sometimes inviting it. This is no way to live. I have made a call to AA and I have a lady who will go with me to a meeting but again, my pride is getting in the way; why can't i go alone? how weak am i? where is this awful voice coming from?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 241
Hi laana, Yeah it's weird how we can experience both pride and self-loathing in copious amounts as a result of our illness. Sounds like you could use some help getting started again. You know this site is helpful because you've been here. How about checking out some recovery resources locally? The usual ones come to mind AA, a therapist who has a background working with people with chemical dependency issues. I rely on a therapist and SR. Have you started working on a plan? I find that even just the planning process gets me moving and gives me hope. How about starting over today? Thanks so much for coming back.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: northern virginia
Posts: 535
laana...
welcome back to SR!
you made a good call for help. and you're not weak for wanting a helping hand to get into that first meeting. and you don't ever need to face recovery alone... that's one of the best things about recovery! we don't have to go it alone.
i know that for me, i spent more than enough time alone in my alcoholism... i don't need to do that now. i'm in AA as well (just 40 days sober)... and i'm grateful that those in the fellowship are there for me just as much as i (suprisingly) am for them. (honestly... even old timers thank me for helping them on their sober journeys. could have knocked me over with a feather with that one... but i see now it's truth!)
you are doing a wonderful thing for yourself... don't beat yourself up for seeking help in this. AA folks genuinely want to help... and all of us at SR are here on this journey, too!
sending you thoughts of peace...
welcome back to SR!
you made a good call for help. and you're not weak for wanting a helping hand to get into that first meeting. and you don't ever need to face recovery alone... that's one of the best things about recovery! we don't have to go it alone.
i know that for me, i spent more than enough time alone in my alcoholism... i don't need to do that now. i'm in AA as well (just 40 days sober)... and i'm grateful that those in the fellowship are there for me just as much as i (suprisingly) am for them. (honestly... even old timers thank me for helping them on their sober journeys. could have knocked me over with a feather with that one... but i see now it's truth!)
you are doing a wonderful thing for yourself... don't beat yourself up for seeking help in this. AA folks genuinely want to help... and all of us at SR are here on this journey, too!
sending you thoughts of peace...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Detroit
Posts: 19
You are not alone. I'm a new comer to SR. I'm so glad I found this site. Don't give up. I'm coming upon 90 days sober. If I can do it I'm sure you can. Ill be 42 Sunday and been drinking for 25 years. One day at a time.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by laana 
I have made a call to AA and I have a lady who will go with me to a meeting but again, my pride is getting in the way; why can't i go alone? how weak am i? where is this awful voice coming from?
That's what it took for me. I tried for ten years to do it alone. Getting around others is what brought me some sort of sanity. You are not weak if you are asking for help. You are being smart. Please do not let the critical inner critic voice beat you up such that you talk yourself out of help! Keep listening to the other voice that knows better.ETA: I started SR in 2011 too, and I've come back after a relapse... and the people here are great in welcoming you back... because it takes what it takes, you know? Important part is to never stop trying.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Laana - good to see you again
It's one think to inteelectually admit our alcoholism but it's another thing entirely to accept it, even embrace it as us....
I think it requires a leap of faith - a faith that everything will be ok, and an acknowledgement that, however smart and resourceful and brave we are, we need help with this, and that we're terrified about it.
It's ok to feel that way - we all have
D
It's one think to inteelectually admit our alcoholism but it's another thing entirely to accept it, even embrace it as us....
I think it requires a leap of faith - a faith that everything will be ok, and an acknowledgement that, however smart and resourceful and brave we are, we need help with this, and that we're terrified about it.
It's ok to feel that way - we all have
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I know how you feel. I really do. I felt like there was always something missing.
The past and resentments can be very painful and it was one of the reasons I did not get help for so long. Facing the fact that I was an alcoholic seemed easy compared to dealing with all the stuff inside me.
I felt at times I was just existing, not living. Days and weeks ran into each other with no change and no hope of any. I used to dream that someone or something would come and take me away from it all. I used to cry myself to sleep sometimes or wake in the middle of the night and just start begging for it to stop.
I have learned that the only person that can begin to take me away is me. I had to ask for help and then accept that help. It was a very hard thing to do but I got to a point that I no longer could trust myself to keep what little piece of normal I thought I had left.
I did the same thing. I called and a lady came and got me. I felt a twinge of hope. She took me to a meeting and we talked and I felt another twinge. I thought, Can I really do this? Do I have what it takes? Will I make it this time?
You can do it but it takes work. It takes a LOT of work but it is so worth it. My life is no where near perfect but it is 100% better than it was. I am only three months sober but the people I have met that support me are amazing. My self esteem is slowly growing. I am learning to let go of resentments. I am starting to face my past and my part in it. It is scary and emotional but I am doing it little by little. It takes time. I did not get this way overnight and I am not going to get better overnight.
You only need to reach out and there are many people willing to grab your hand and help. I took a leap of faith. You can too!
The past and resentments can be very painful and it was one of the reasons I did not get help for so long. Facing the fact that I was an alcoholic seemed easy compared to dealing with all the stuff inside me.
I felt at times I was just existing, not living. Days and weeks ran into each other with no change and no hope of any. I used to dream that someone or something would come and take me away from it all. I used to cry myself to sleep sometimes or wake in the middle of the night and just start begging for it to stop.
I have learned that the only person that can begin to take me away is me. I had to ask for help and then accept that help. It was a very hard thing to do but I got to a point that I no longer could trust myself to keep what little piece of normal I thought I had left.
Originally Posted by laana
I have made a call to AA and I have a lady who will go with me to a meeting but again, my pride is getting in the way; why can't i go alone? how weak am i? where is this awful voice coming from?
You can do it but it takes work. It takes a LOT of work but it is so worth it. My life is no where near perfect but it is 100% better than it was. I am only three months sober but the people I have met that support me are amazing. My self esteem is slowly growing. I am learning to let go of resentments. I am starting to face my past and my part in it. It is scary and emotional but I am doing it little by little. It takes time. I did not get this way overnight and I am not going to get better overnight.
You only need to reach out and there are many people willing to grab your hand and help. I took a leap of faith. You can too!
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
We're only glad you're back.
I know the feeling of finding it hard to go back to AA after a relapse. Also know that the fear of walking into the door is the hardest part. When I've had to drag myself back to a meeting after falling off the reactions were smiles, applause and "welcome back!"'s. Getting in that door--whether it's the first time or after slipping--is the hardest part, and by no means a sign of weakness.
I know the feeling of finding it hard to go back to AA after a relapse. Also know that the fear of walking into the door is the hardest part. When I've had to drag myself back to a meeting after falling off the reactions were smiles, applause and "welcome back!"'s. Getting in that door--whether it's the first time or after slipping--is the hardest part, and by no means a sign of weakness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by laana
More than giving up the alcohol its the fact that i am now 37, single and so confused and so behind...it is so painful to think of my past and i can't stop worrying about my future which i know is the killer. I just can't seem to just let go and try to believe again.
Sure you can feel guilty about your past, but you should not feel ashamed. You are not a bad person. In fact, you're smart - you are not going to let this addiction beat you, you are here, posting, and you're on the cusp of making some really positive life changes.
And you can worry about your future - but you don't have to. Why worry about things that haven't happened yet? You can either worry about the future, or not. Chose not to.
What you should try and concentrate on is an immediate end to your drinking. It sounds like you've got a plan - why not allow yourself to be comfortable with it? Don't beat yourself up about going with a friend, the good news is you are going! So cheer up and pat yourself on the back, you are an inspiring story and it will only get better. Have a great weekend and welcome to sobriety!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Although it is hard to understand at this point in your recovery you are helping her as much as she is helping you. One alcoholic helping another is the core of AA. AA hass saved millions it saved me and it can save you
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by laana
I have been so scared and ashamed to post here again, seeing that I have been continuing to drinking after posting more than 2 years ago..I understand that this pride of mine is a big fault and what i desperately need is to ask for help.
It is so strange because i am a very compassionate person and I bleed for other people, animals, the world, but not for me.
I read someone's description on SR about realizing that you are an alcoholic is like grieving for a death of someone you love and i feel just like that. I was in denial state for a long time and now i think in grieving for a couple of years (how sad!) but i dont know how i will give in, give up and start over. I am attractive and i have a good job thank god but I am very shy and introverted which makes it so hard for me to open up and feel like belonging, i guess here is where the alcohol came in as a rescue.
More than giving up the alcohol its the fact that i am now 37, single and so confused and so behind...it is so painful to think of my past and i can't stop worrying about my future which i know is the killer. I just can't seem to just let go and try to believe again.. I know there is a beautiful person trapped inside of my addiction, i know she loves and she can do beautiful things in life but my addictive side just keeps pushing me down, telling me how much of a looser i am, how destroyed i am, how hopeless i am. its killing me, I wake up sometimes fearing death but sometimes inviting it. This is no way to live.
I have made a call to AA and I have a lady who will go with me to a meeting but again, my pride is getting in the way; why can't i go alone? how weak am i? where is this awful voice coming from?
It is so strange because i am a very compassionate person and I bleed for other people, animals, the world, but not for me.
I read someone's description on SR about realizing that you are an alcoholic is like grieving for a death of someone you love and i feel just like that. I was in denial state for a long time and now i think in grieving for a couple of years (how sad!) but i dont know how i will give in, give up and start over. I am attractive and i have a good job thank god but I am very shy and introverted which makes it so hard for me to open up and feel like belonging, i guess here is where the alcohol came in as a rescue.
More than giving up the alcohol its the fact that i am now 37, single and so confused and so behind...it is so painful to think of my past and i can't stop worrying about my future which i know is the killer. I just can't seem to just let go and try to believe again.. I know there is a beautiful person trapped inside of my addiction, i know she loves and she can do beautiful things in life but my addictive side just keeps pushing me down, telling me how much of a looser i am, how destroyed i am, how hopeless i am.
its killing me, I wake up sometimes fearing death but sometimes inviting it. This is no way to live. I have made a call to AA and I have a lady who will go with me to a meeting but again, my pride is getting in the way; why can't i go alone? how weak am i? where is this awful voice coming from?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome back laana.
Never, never feel ashamed or embarrassed with us. We all understand & have been there. I doubt anyone gets it right the first time. The main thing is you haven't given up on the idea of a better life - the one you know lies waiting for you. I was waaay older than 37 when I got sober. You can do this, laana - maybe you're ready this time. Keep on talking to us.
Never, never feel ashamed or embarrassed with us. We all understand & have been there. I doubt anyone gets it right the first time. The main thing is you haven't given up on the idea of a better life - the one you know lies waiting for you. I was waaay older than 37 when I got sober.
You can do this, laana - maybe you're ready this time. Keep on talking to us.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Originally Posted by laana
I read someone's description on SR about realizing that you are an alcoholic is like grieving for a death of someone you love and i feel just like that. I was in denial state for a long time and now i think in grieving for a couple of years (how sad!) but i dont know how i will give in, give up and start over.
I think a lot of us have a really hard time asking for help. And, I also think a lot of us here have a hard time caring for ourselves as much as for others, including our beloved pets
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: London
Posts: 105
Thank you all so much, there is so much wisdom here and of course it's better to be around people who understands your struggles and have overcome them. It's really sad when you withdraw and only really want to hang with your alcohol
I have made an appointment to go to AA and i look forward to it. The last time i went it was quite magical, really welcoming and uplifting, i think i was too far off then though to really open up and take help..i think i went home to drink afterwards.
It takes what it takes, true! Its a journey and you live and you learn and hopefully get stronger. I so desperately want to come out on the other side and join the happily living....I will do my absolute best to admit my powerlessness and ask for help. And keep on reading here and talking to you guys
And @ Anna, i have read "drinking a love story" many times, i can relate to so much from her history and her behaviour and her insights into her alcoholism and how it come about is also similar to my story.
Love to you all!! Hope your weekends are sober and fresh and happy
I have made an appointment to go to AA and i look forward to it. The last time i went it was quite magical, really welcoming and uplifting, i think i was too far off then though to really open up and take help..i think i went home to drink afterwards.
It takes what it takes, true! Its a journey and you live and you learn and hopefully get stronger. I so desperately want to come out on the other side and join the happily living....I will do my absolute best to admit my powerlessness and ask for help. And keep on reading here and talking to you guys
And @ Anna, i have read "drinking a love story" many times, i can relate to so much from her history and her behaviour and her insights into her alcoholism and how it come about is also similar to my story.
Love to you all!! Hope your weekends are sober and fresh and happy
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