Fear and Loathing - Pretty Much Everywhere
 

Hey, All,

Just wanted to introduce myself, as I've posted in a few threads but haven't created one yet.

I'm currently just over 7 months sober, and am in the "hate my former self" phase of recovery. I started drinking when I was 18 (late bloomer, I know!), and became an extremely heavy drinker about 11 years ago at age 26. Overall, I've been pretty crappy to a lot of people over the years - dream job, gone; wife, gone; money, well, you know where that went.

Gave up drinking cold-turkey (no drugs / programs), which is a unique struggle in itself.

Right now, I'm with a great girl who's the mother of my incredible daughter. They're my motivation. But, I'm plagued with fear that my past life will come back to haunt me. It's just difficult to speak louder than the demons sometimes. And, like I said, I was pretty crappy to people.

So, I guess I'm looking to know that this isn't an uncommon situation. That the fears and anxieties are normal, and - hopefully - temporary. At least, manageable. Or maybe they're not. In which case, this is going to be a roller-coaster life.

Hi AceyMack

I needed up one of the most public drunks you could think of - I was *that guy* in the neighbourhood....unwashed, stumbling, talking and laughing to myself...mums would herd their kids away from me.

Noone remembers me that way anymore - or if they do, they never mention it.
I've done a lot of rehabilitate my self and my reputation since then.

Try not to let your fear get the best of you...it's who you are now that counts.

D

I agree that there are ups and downs with anxiety. Sometimes I would hear a song playing and I would be back in the drinking days with waves of anxiety. But, it gets better as time goes by and as Dee said, people will recognize the changes they see in you.

Try to remind yourself that person wasn't the real AceyMack. I did so many out-of-character things during my drinking years - if I dwelled on them I'd never have been able to move forward. It's ok to remember that bad things happen when we drink - but only to keep ourselves from ever being tempted again. Try not to rerun all that stuff in your head - it is very damaging and not necessary. That's not you anymore.

Glad you talked about this - it's a problem for many of us. In time, as Dee mentioned - no one will remember the old, drinking you.

Right on, Hevyn! The AceyMack I know is on this site talking about how grateful he is for his family. That other dude? Just a person he had to let go of.

Hey there...you're much further down the sober road than I, but I'm fairly certain that recovery is a process to be worked through and I guess it takes time to get your "sea legs" so to speak. You ever notice that a new job or business takes about 2 years of "learning curve" before you start breathing easier? I'm thinking recovery is a new full time job, so not that I know as I'm not where your at, I'm going to guess that your still early in recovery and that what you are dealing with is...completely normal. Sorry... I don't have any insight on how to deal with it tho..lol.

Instead of holding on to the past, try to live in the moment. Right now. Don't regret yesterday or worry about tomorrow.


Congrats on your sober time! :scoregood

I blame all the bad stuff I did on the booze and use it as a reason to stay sober.

The past is past. Nothing we can do to change it, so why dwell? (Easier said than done, I know.)

Welcome Acey - Im also a little over 7 months sober and have similar feelings and thoughts about my past... It is normal, as far as I can tell, for us to be in this spot as we work toward our first year. I've had a few very intense inner struggles with the ghost of my "past self" coming back to haunt me... I also have some fear, like you, about relapse and loosing it all again. So I guess you could say I relate a great deal!

I'm glad you are here. Sounds like you're on a good path and you expressed gratitude for the blessings you have now so that's great. I also have a great guy and a little one and you're absolutely right - they are such a huge blessing in my life. I would never trade them for a day of drinking and drugging.

Keep coming here and checking in! Thanks for sharing with us.

This place is awesome - thanks everyone for the replies.

Fear & anxiety are very new for me. I was "invincible" in my drinking days, and so the severity of my decisions never clicked. "It's not a big deal" was what kept me making these bad choices. With a clearer head, it's easy to see how many ripples have disrupted innocent bystanders (or worse: people trying to help).

I took a solo camping trip last week to tackle a lot of these thoughts, as they were absolutely crippling. Just me, my dog, and the Rockies. Lemme tell you, clearing the knots in your head can give you one hell of a migrane. For days afterwards, it lasted. And to an extent, it worked. I'd recommend it to anyone struggling with similar issues; not necessarily "camping," but taking the time to really have some serious conversations with yourself.