britgirl

I hope no-one minds but I really need to vent.

The thing is I don't want to drink but I'm still craving each day, (31 days sober) and I'm not seeing any of the benefits of stopping that I hear mentioned.

Honestly I just feel so angry, bitter and resentful about my life situation and if anything it's getting worse instead of better. I'm full of hatred and confusion, obsessing over things people have done to me that I don't seem to be able to get over and obsessing even more about the fact that they are able to be happy and move on, without so much as a glance backwards, whilst I'm really struggling.

I sound so selfish I know, and thats just one more thing to punish myself for. I just can't seem to get even a glimpse of what peace and acceptance may feel like.

I have 31 days but don't think I can keep it up if I continue to feel this way. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

hypochondriac

I have felt like you do Brit, sporadically but especially at the beginning of my sobriety. I felt like I had made all this effort getting sober and nothing had improved. I was pretty furious and resentful. I can say that it does pass, but it will pass quicker if you are not waiting for things to magically get better. There may be other things that you need to do to make it better or it may be you just need more time. One thing that helped me was mindfulness meditation as it helped me focus on the present. I really struggled too so I can feel your frustration but I have been sober 16 months now and things are better than I could have imagined. Do whatever you need to do to stay sober now and worry about the rest of it later x

britgirl

Thanks Hypo, it's good to hear that things got better for you. I think I probably am expecting too much too soon and also comparing my own recovery to that of others which probably isn't that helpful.

I'm so angry most of the time that I can literally feel my face burning up from it!! Never felt this angry before and am scared that this is how I'll be now especially as I'm a single mum to my two girls aged 6 and 2 and it can't be good for them to be around me like this (not that being around me drunk was good for them either)!!

Can you recommend any good books or cd's etc on mindfulness meditation?

Thanks xx

hayley86

Hello... I think what your feeling is perfectly normal. I was definitely angry on and off for the first couple of months and it would come out of no where and often wouldn't even be directed at anyone or anything in particular. I think the main reason for this was that i was no longer numbing feeling angry or upset with alcohol so every emotion i was feeling sober seemed magnified and a really big thing to deal with and i didn't know how to deal with it.

I also found myself obsessing about past situations, events and people and going over every situation that happened in my head time and time again... i think this was probably due to the fact that i wasn't obsessing quite as much over the alcohol on a daily basis so i had just found another thing to obsess over instead another bad habit. I also found it really hard to accept that certain people were able to carry on with their lives whilst i was struggling, but i had to accept that everything didn't revolve around me and my issues.

Give yourself time, you will have these new emotions and feelings and you will learn how to deal with them without having a drink, i have. You will find peace if you stick with it, there is no peace to be found at the bottom of a glass. Even if you cant see the benefits right now your health will be benefiting so much already, keep faith.

Also, exercise is a great way to get rid of anger i find.

I hope you feel better soon, stay strong!

britgirl

Hayley thanks, you're right, feeling emotions in their raw state makes every little thing seem huge and unmanageable.

I've spent the last 20 years or so drinking myself into oblivion as soon as an uncomfortable feeling arose so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I'm struggling with this.

I want everything to be better 'now', which is how I got myself in this mess in the first place.

PATIENCE with self is so hard, aargh!!

hayley86

I know exactly what you mean about wanting everything better "now" and an instant solution, i was the same way too. Patience is another thing my sobriety has taught me so far, be kind to yourself and don't push yourself to get better instantly. Writing things down helps me vent how i feel and also helps me to understand the way i think a bit better too, you could maybe try that?

Best of luck

BlueSkiesAhead

Hello Britgirl,
Thank You for your post, I needed the help myself, logged in and yours was the first post I read. I have had exactly the same kind of day! I have been overwhelmed with anger, and anxiety. I tried to be good to myself, knowing it will pass, but the gut wrenching anxiety and frustration made me physically ill. I have 33 days today, after going for 9 months sober, and I have been doing pretty good, until today. Everyone who has answered is spot on, and I know i have been obsessing about some events in my life. A drink (and then many more) would numb that feeling, but then I would never deal with it. Thanks again for your post, congratulations on 31 days, and know that you are not alone in any of this.

Mountainmanbob

CRAVING TO DRINK?: WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF AN AA MEMBER WHO HAS BEEN SOBER OVER 2 YEARS AND STILL HAS THE CRAVING TO DRINK?

Would you tell them they weren’t working a good program? Weren’t working with enough newcomers? Weren’t going to enough meetings? Weren’t praying enough? Hadn’t surrendered? Weren’t working the program the way the original first 100 pioneers of AA did out of our basic text?

What if I told you that the member I am quoting in this post was non other than our beloved cofounder Dr. Bob? On page 181 of our Big Book Doctor Bob wrote, “Unlike most of our crowd, I did not get over my craving for liquor much during the first two and one-half years of abstinence. It was almost always with me.”


Craving is defined as, “an intense, urgent, or abnormal desire or longing… desire – the feeling that accompanies an unsatisfied state.”


One may come to the conclusion that Dr. Bob’s use of the word craving was meant in the mental sense and not the physical. It probably supports Dr. Silkworth’s opinion in that the Dr. said when a drink is taken it sets off the phenomenon of craving (physical)… meaning, a mental obsession could very well last several years with no physical craving at all. It would seem to be highly unusual to have the mental obsession long after having had the last drink. Although, one will frequently hear it frequently said in meetings that it took a long time for the mental craving (obsession) to leave.


One AA member said, “Every time I read that I wince because it contradicts the Dr. Silworth opinion description of craving v obsession. Dr. Bob did quite a lot as an AA member to stay sober since he was one of the founders and didn’t have a lot of experience to fall back on. I think the problem Dr. Bob experience with the ‘craving’ perhaps could have been he may not have done a thorough inventory. He certainly did a lot of working with others. He gave a guy the 12 Steps in a few hours but the guy went out and drank right after that so evidently it wasn’t enough. Dr. Bob may have been our first two stepper.”


Science tells us that although many alcoholics experience craving, researchers have not yet developed a common, valid definition of the phenomenon. Numerous models of the mechanisms underlying craving have been suggested, however. One of those models—the neuroadaptive model—suggests that the prolonged presence of alcohol induces changes in brain-cell function. In the absence of alcohol, those changes cause an imbalance in brain activity that results in craving. Furthermore, the adaptive changes generate memories of alcohol’s pleasant effects that can be activated when alcohol-related environmental stimuli are encountered, even after prolonged abstinence, thereby leading to relapse.


Similarly, stressful situations may trigger memories of the relief afforded by alcohol, which could also lead to relapse. Neurobiological and brain-imaging studies have identified numerous brain chemicals and brain regions that may be involved in craving. Psychiatric conditions that affect some of these brain regions, such as depression or anxiety, also may influence craving. A better understanding and more reliable assessment of craving may help clinicians tailor treatment to the specific needs of each patient, thereby reducing the risk of relapse.

Bill W wrote, “For Dr. Bob, the insatiable craving for alcohol was evidently a physical phenomenon which bedeviled several of his first years in A.A., a time when only days and nights of carrying the message to other alcoholics could cause him to forget about drinking. Although his craving was hard to withstand, it doubtless did account for some part of the intense incentive that went into forming Akron’s Group Number One.

Bob’s spiritual release did not come easily; it was to be painfully slow. It always entailed the hardest kind of work and the sharpest vigilance.”~ A.A. Comes Of Age, p. 69

It is plain for everybody to see that each sober AA member has been granted a release from this very obstinate and fatal obsession. So in a very complete and literal way, all AA’s have “become entirely ready”
to have God remove the mania for alcohol from their lives. And God has proceeded to do just that.~Bill W circa 1952

Sasha4

Perhaps you need to focus on what you have left behind?

No more hangovers.
No more guilt from the recycling box and the empty bottles.
No feeling like you don't have the energy to get through the day.
No more grumpy mum because you have drunk too much the night before.

I would add for me ;

No more worrying about my liver.
No more checking my eyes are not jaundiced.
Not being housebound by 7pm as I am not fit to drive.
No more worrying if I am slurring my voice on a phone call and the other person can tell.
No more worrying the next morning if I am okay to drive and feeling like crying when a police car passes me.
No more smudged make up in the morning. All taken off at night.
No more waking to my teeth feeling like something died in my mouth!
No more horrific thirsts.

Does this help you a bit?
I hope so!

My best to you
xx

DG0409

I found this thread to be very helpful in understanding and dealing with past issues.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html

Also, you might try posting in one of the gratitude threads. I have found that finding things to be thankful for and taking the time to focus on them really helps.

Climber122

Focus IN, not OUT. What other people are doing, how they treat you, what happens to you - all of this is not in your control and takes away focus on what YOU can control and do to make your day better. Start by not drinking for today, but that's just a start.

Focus on you - realize that you have a deadly disease that will cause your mind to feed on itself and concoct any number of reasons to drink. Self pity, anger (justified or not), depression... all an easy road back to coping the best way we drunks know how before we work sobriety. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Hang in there. It DOES get better, but you have to work at it. And don't dismiss the little miracles - like the fact you are sober today! If you are an alcoholic, 30 days is a miracle! Work on gratitude for the things that ARE working, and don't worry about having a crap day. We all have them - we drunks just usually choose to drink rather than face the crap. Now you are feeling things and it is hard - no doubt. But good for you for feeling them and trying to deal with them. Don't try and change conditions - you can't - change how you cope with them. Just chalk a hard day up to being hard, and reset in the morning. Bad days will pass. "This too shall pass" got me through many a hard day. Thing is, at the end of the day, if you are sober, you win. Period.

It took me quite a while longer than 30 days to really even out emotionally and to start to feel serenity, but I went to AA meetings a lot, and that's what helped get me there. Today, with some years sober I can still easily fall into my old ways of thinking and end up needing to go to a meeting or call a fellow drunk to get my head straight.

Most important thing - we stay sober when we admit the unmanageability of our lives as alcoholics, and seek help from others. We win by admitting we've lost. I hope you will keep reaching out, because we don't do this well alone! Good luck to you!

britgirl

Thank you all for your kind advice and for reminding me that I'm not alone in this, none of us here on SR are unless we choose to be. Sincerely, thank you.

I went to a meeting today where almost all of the shares were from people talking about their anger, their resentments and how they've held on to them in some cases or how they managed to let go of them once they realised the futility of holding on and opened up to their HP.

It was very powerful inspiring stuff and I left the meeting feeling like some of my resentment, my absolute fury at life had been lifted away. I haven't had any miraculous awakening, no great enlightenment but I did get a tiny glimpse of what hope might feel like and for today, after all the previous pain that will do me nicely, I couldn't ask for any more.

Once again thank you all xxx

hypochondriac

This is the one I used:

Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World

And there are also some good talks and meditation sessions here:

Dharma Punx - MP3 Talks

I am in no way Buddhist but I found those talks, especially the recovery ones really useful.

Mindfulness meditation is very trendy at the mo so I am sure there will be a ton of books out there and classes too x

LadyinBC

Hi Britgirl,

I agree with the others, what you are feeling is quite common. Also when we loose our booze/drugs we also go thru a grieving process. I know I definately did and anger/resentment was definately one of them.

These feelings do get better over time, they really do.

britgirl

Thanks hypo, these look interesting, will definitely have a look into them.

LadyinBC- it feels like I'm grieving for my best friend, my life partner, my constant companion and more!! It's crazy what your mind can throw up at you isn't it.

JimdiGriz

hi britgirl- i hope you feel less overwhelmed this evening,and its really good to see so much great advice from everyone. I can only echo all that. Maybe Everything's just come in a rush. Its no wonder you cant deal with it all- i suspect that everything that concerns or upsets you is something that can be rectified, balanced , or solved, but one at a time, like a jigsaw?
You cant chase two rabbits at the same time.
I also read *somewhere,once,cant remember where* that the subconscious mind , and the hence the emotional boiler house, has no conception of time-clear of the fog of alcohol it will plod along, nudging here,prodding there, soliciting some necessary actions, and eventually putting everything back together.
good luck

quitforme79

I didn't stop craving until about 2 months...and I certainly didn't feel peace and acceptance at 31 days. That was my experience. Some people talk of feeling benefits earlier, some later. What I can say is that if it never got better people wouldn't stay sober for long periods. I know I would've given in! The hard work and tough times are SO worth it. You're doing great, just keep moving forward!

LadyinBC

Yup that is EXACTLY how I felt when I quit. My best friend was gone and how was I going to cope with out it. There is a thread here where people wrote goodbye letters to their poison, I will find it and post it here.

It was very theraputic reading them and writing one.

LadyinBC

Here you go!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/..._________.html

britgirl

Thanks BC, I love these letters!!