ckoures

I should beg for my husband's forgiveness for relapsing Sunday. He's not talking to me, canceled my ticket for our family vacation, threw all my clothes at the guest bedroom door (where I am staying.) I can't even bring myself to apologize because it sounds so disingenuous.

And I am throwing my own pity party. I can't sleep. Can't move. Can't think. I prayed all morning that God would just let me die, so I can stop embarrassing myself and hurting people and, true, I selfishly want to stop hurting as well. The pain is simply overwhelming to me, and I want to stop being ashamed of using this crutch, timing its use to when no one is there, and then getting so damn drunk.

My self loathing is over the top. I'd battled it down for a long time, but started again last week. Little wonder I completed the magic circle and drank.

So, do I beg for forgiveness? How ridiculous. I am so nervous.

Bobby83

Sorry is always a start. Maybe make a plan for how you are going to stay sober and avoid drinking.
Then approach him with the plan. He likely wants to see you are serious about it this time.
I can't speak to your relationship. But I would bet its tough on the other person to pick up the pieces and feel they are working on something alone. So again try to show him you mean business ! Approach him with confidence and conviction that you are gonna stop. Remind him you will need Hus support, but you are gonna give it your all !

JimdiGriz

Hi ckoures. From your original post didnt you say you had 8 months sober ?
What did you do that has angered him so much ? It sounds really really heavy handed to me .
Dont you deserve some compassion ?

sober4myboys

I would apologize for my behavior, especially if I had made a promise.

But forgiveness comes when the other party is wanting to change and showing change. If that doesn't come immediately at least try and understand where he is coming from. I'm sure he is hurt right now.

All you can do is try to change the behavior... wanting to die doesn't fix anything. Good luck in your journey!

just1man

You could beg for forgiveness, but if it sounds disingenuous to you then it most likely sounds the same to him. If you really want to make it up to him, and more importantly, to yourself, then you gotta get and stay sober. Get back up on the horse, climb back on the wagon, whatever you want to call it. The best way to show someone, even yourself, something is through actions, not words. Do whatever you have to do, find help wherever you need to. Admit to your problem and pray for help, pray for strength not death. You are worth more than that. There is all kinds of help out there. Have you tried AA or any other group type help? It's full of people who can relate and people who will accept you every bit as much as the people here at SR do. If that isn't enough there are a lot of other options. We are all fighting the same fight, but no one can do it for you. You have to do it yourself, others can only support you in your efforts.

ckoures

All good advice. Mostly I don't want to apologize, because he has mocked me for eight months (of sobriety) that I would mess up again. Just said it last week. I could feel this snowball growing inside of me. Work stressed me out. He was mad, mad, mad all the time. I was fighting with my daughter. And I messed up. Bravo for me!

ckoures

I can't imagine accepting my apology.

sober4myboys

He is not being supportive... sounds like setting you up for failure... Maybe I wouldn't apologize but say, you knew it was going to happen so what you so mad about.

No, don't say that. Maybe this time say nothing but do everything right. Then there is nothing to criticize, actions speak louder than words.

When he brings up the change he see's then you can talk about it?

just1man

It really doesn't sound like he wants you to succeed, and that is a shame. There are some good threads you should probably read in The Best of SoberRecovery section. Might help you make more sense of things and acquiring information is never a bad idea. Best of luck!

Nuudawn

Mocking and taunting you in sobriety? Okay...this is not sounding good..at all. From what you say, there is something quite unhealthy going on aside from your issue with alcohol. You need to stay sober for you. You need to "grow" for you because you might just need to grow away from this person.

Your issue with alcohol may give him a sense of control...it almost appears he wants control of your sobriety and control of your drinking.

ckoures

Excellent advice. Thank you. I often feel his loathing for me, is only challenged by my loathing for myself. I will apologize, and promise to not relapse. And then he can beat up on me mentally for awhile.

ckoures

Thanks Nuudawn.

ckoures

Thanks all, for responding. What I did wrong - was drink. I waited until he left town (no one to watch) and drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine, passed out, and awoke ashamed, crying, and hanging up on him as he called again and again and again. I did not miss work. I just have avoided the confrontation about what a loser I am. I've heard it too many times. I have hidden now in my bedroom, barely coming out to speak. Last night, he informed my kids I would not be going on vacation with them. I am not too sure I deserve compassion. And yes, I did have eight months sobriety. And every time he was angry, and that can be often, he would mock me, remind me that I am about to mess up again. You'd think I would know better than to allow him that little pleasure.

fantail

It sounds like your relationship has descended into toxicity. I think you need to pull yourself away from this cycle... it sounds like drinking has become a weapon in your house, used against you, used against him. It's hard enough to quit without all of that relationship baggage tied to the process...

Are you in therapy? It sounds like you could use some support to help you extricate your recovery from this emotional violence. I've been in a situation that reminds me of what you describe, and having a third party to talk to is something I really wish I'd had. It's easy to lose your sense of direction when it's just you and the other person going round each other in circles.

sober4myboys

I wouldn't promise him anything... your going through a process and need support not to be torn down and set up to fail.

Apologize and tell him you will try with everything in you.

Sonrisa12

First of all - you are not a loser. You have a problem with alcohol.

Mental abuse is a very hard thing to overcome - and this is what worries me for your recovery. If possible, focus on you - what leads you to drink - why you choose to pick up the bottle. Make it a personal journey about yourself and tune out, if at all possible, the negative influence you are receiving at home. Maybe staying in the guest room is not a bad idea until you can get your head straight and start again. I read something about 8 months and that is amazing - and its something you should be proud of. Try as much as you can to focus on the positive and don't go down the self destructive path of feeling so low you reach again for the bottle.

We are here for you and ready to listen. Please hang in there!!!!

Notmyrealname

It sounds like you had an awful Sunday. I am sorry.

Well you can't change the past, but you can try to learn from it. It sounds like you had several things that were stressing you out at one time and your response was to pick up. Life is a series of challenges, and they never end until they put you in the ground. You need to find some way to a place where your possible responses to stress and pain don't include picking up the bottle, otherwise it's not a question of if you're going to relapse, it's a question of when.

If you were in the wrong, you should apologize. Whether or not your husband was being a jerk by mocking you, and whether or not he accepts your apology, these are collateral to the point of your own love and respect for yourself. Jerks who are wronged deserve apologies as much as the next guy, and much of the value of apology is the simply fact of making the apology. When you leave these bad acts out there, unaddressed, you know the truth, and the shame and guilt will drag you down. But if you do what you can to make amends, then you can close the book on it. You admitted fault, you apologized, you did everything that you could to make things right, and now you can move on.

ckoures

Excellent advice. Thanks notmyrealname. Thank all of you.

alphaomega

CK - Sounds like you are going through an exceptionally difficult time. It also sounds like there are control issues, and frustration on his part and he believe that he can "shame" you into sobriety.

All the shame will do is seek to feed the demon and perpetuate an already very hopeless feeling you have about yourself. Guilt and shame, IMO, are the most useless of all emotions.

You are literally hiding.

Pick your self up, put on some lipstick some of your finery, do your hair, and pull yourself together.

You can do this. We can help. You are so much stronger than you even know...

Blessings.

Nonsensical

It seems improbable you will be able to effectively progress in any other aspect of your life until you are happily sober (not begrudgingly-sober-because-my-husband-said-I-gotta). The latest and greatest apologies and promises are just a distraction. Fix the main event. You can do this.

Best of Luck!